Just checking in.

Hugs @Teej and @Sans911

Come join me under my invisibility cloak @CheerBear. No one will see us under there. 👥(closest emoji I could find to invisibility)

Flipped out a bit tonight with something. When all were asleep I called somewhere. They tried to brainstorm how to deal with it tomorrow but I know how to do it, I'm not sure I want to which is why I called. In a way I wanted someone to step in I think. Not many times that's come out of my mouth (fingers).

I'm sorry you're feeling :pile_of_poo:ty teej. Wondering if it's something or everything but also thinking you'd talk if you wanted and talking is hard without words left.

Your invisibility cloak and your emoji made me smile sans ❤

My words could very easily pour with stuff tonight that sensible head wouldn't want me to be saying, so I'll head off. ❤ to you both.

I told my psych that I was struggling to get and do what I need and needed someone to step in and help. I've never done that before. We spoke about options for a break and it got too hard for me to think about so he asked if I'd like to be 'affectionately sectioned' so I didn't have to think anymore. He's given me a couple of hours to decide what I want in a referral or he'll call it. It feels like this has escalated really quickly but maybe it's been there for a bit.

I feel so weird. Default wants to go to how much of a giant backwards step this is and how it will take forever to get over and I'll never get back to where I was and how selfish this is of me. But there's another part that's telling me that working with this not against it, recognising I'm not OK but wanting to be OK, putting my hand up and asking for help etc is good and is actually a step forward. There's part of me that's feeling relieved. I'm tired.

I'm trying so hard to tell myself what I'd tell others which I'm sure I believe deep inside. It's that I'm not a bad mum, I'm not crazy, I can and will be OK especially if I accept some help, I'm doing the right thing in noticing this and in asking for help, my kids don't need to understand. I'm tired and I've been through stuff and I need a break like any other human person would. And it sucks that it's this time of the year. It sucks so, so badly. If I could I schedule this in for a better time I would but I can't.

I hate the wonky of recovery. It really sucks. But maybe this is backwards progress, maybe 🙁

That's where I'm at and where I'll be if I'm hit and miss for a bit here.

Thank you lots @Gazza75 for listening and for your kind reply ❤

If it was anyone else I'd take what psych said as a threat and I'd be fighting big time and proper fired up now. But we've been working together for a long time and I really think he's one of few who genuinely have my best interests at heart. I don't think he would be doing this unless it was right. It is pressure but in giving me a choice he's trying to let me have some control and in giving a time frame he's going to stop the ridiculous "should I, shouldn't I, what should I do" that can bubble away driving me nuts.

I'm at a place where this is OK I think which is incredibly out of character for me. I've gotten myself into huge pickles fighting this in the past and it feels like I'm not fighting it now and I know my limits and accept them and that's a good thing I think. Either that or I really am absolutely mad and completely delusional in thinking I'm OK right now when I'm not (half laugh half serious there).

I've tried time out at home for a while and it's helped to an extent. I need a reset I think.

Weird feels. Weird words coming out of me today :face_with_rolling_eyes: