Just checking in.

I'm big venting here as today is a very not good day. It feels like too much hit at once yesterday. I called my family support worker this morning who was helpful which I super badly needed her to be. She's coming over tomorrow. I feel like I need to do something but I know there's probably nothing I can do. Maybe if I'm at least trying to do something it will help and maybe she can help me work out what I can try and do. She said that it was okay to not be okay, but it never feels okay. It feels so worrying because if I'm not okay who is there? There's no-one.

My shaky yesterday came from red flags that might mean chemo hasn't done anything, then an appointment to meet palliative people and talk about the logistics of dying. It was big and hard. I feel stuck, completely powerless against something that's destroying someone I love and hurting everyone I love. I can't fix this and I can't do anything to make it better.

Then I copped an NDIS thump. I'm scared they won't get it (me) again and so scared of losing the support that helps me stay upright. The process I have coming falls over and just after school holidays which are usually not exactly the easiest times as it is. I shouldn't have taken a phone call from them yesterday given I was already pretty sensitive. It completely fried me as everything to do with the NDIS does. I don't trust anyone from the NDIS. I trust nothing about them or about that system. I don't know what is real with them and what is rubbish and what to believe and what not to believe.

I do think I could use respite and I've been thinking that for a while. There is no-one that can help with that now though, especially not with everything that's going on for my people. There's not a thing I can do about needing that break except hold on and believe that eventually it will all pass.

On top of all of that I feel like by now I should be able to do this stuff better and like I should be well over getting to this point. It's now almost three years since it all went bang. I said I needed "just a week, maybe two" when it first happened, and here I still am. I know I wouldn't say that anyone else 'should be over it' or 'should be/do' anything, so I get extra angry at myself for being hard on myself and it becomes a nasty cycle on days like today. I'm hoping a fresh start tomorrow might help. I've said that to myself a bazillion times before and sometimes it happens.

Teej thank you for thinking problem solving. There's some in there that maybe I can think of trying. I appreciate that you get it though. Im sorry you were hit with what you were yesterday. You have lots and big happening. I hope the legal stuff works out. Maggie thanks for your care also. I really feel it and really enjoy coffee with you, and that care goes from me to you too. sans911 and faith-and-hope thanks for your thoughts (and the licorice cushions) in a thread over ⬆️.

School pick up now and very much time to pull myself together again. I've done nothing with my day but melt. I'll try not to hate on myself for that.

@CheerBear 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🦄🦄🦄🦄

Just wanted to say thank you to those who sat with me in my puddle of sad. I was so, sooooo sad yesterday. Maggie your post felt so nice to read and I felt a lot less alone for it. Bottom of the heart kind of thank you for that ❤

My Big and I shared a special moment last night over something little that turned into something big for both of us. We sat in a puddle together in the kind of embrace that soothes grieving hearts, which we both seemed to have last night. Teej I think your suggestions helped me feel less scared to be a puddle with them last night. I've woken today feeling fragile but less melted. I have a couple of well timed appointments today which I'm expecting will help some more.

With anniversary time just around the corner I spent time thinking about it all this morning. I thought of this space a lot and how much it means to have found here when I had lost so much. I'll be forever thankful for what I have gained from being here and for those who make here what it is.

I hope there is some good in the day for everyone ❤

Just checking in @Teej to say I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of ❤ Looking forward to 'seeing' you whenever that might be.

Also a hi to @TheVorticon. I'm working on a character crochet thing from something we both enjoy. Looking forward to sharing it with you one day (if I ever finish it 😏). I hope things are OK with you. Here and caring if you'd like to share how you're going. Understand if you might not though.

I love that picture @Faith-and-Hope. Like really love that ❤

Melty days might be necessary but they're not great if melty goes too far and there's no-one else to step up or in. That's always the worry for me.

I hope things are OK for you and there are some peaceful moments in all of the busy.