Just checking in.

@CheerBear I am glad @Teej posted your Worry Room post here. The premise of your most that you cannot be enough for everyone could not be further from the truth. It presently feels overwhelming for you with everything you are faced with and that is quite understandable. What is to come for you over the nexts weeks/months would be difficult for anyone to deal with. You not only have to put on a brave face for you parents but also for your kids - that is a hard thing to do Hon. You can only do what you can CB but I fully appreciate that you feel like you need to do more. Make every hour/day you can with your family one that you can remember but also look after yourself in the process. It will be a little easier when the kids are back at school to find that time for yourself but along with that alone time will undoubtedly come thinking time - and that is what often leads to us falling apart. Being busy and distracted has its own benefits but can also lead us to burning out - finding that balance is crucial (but often difficult to attain).

You are an amazing mum. amazing daughter and an amazing friend on here - all of which it probably doesn't feel so when you have so much to deal with presently. I am here to let you know that whilst we cannot walk in your shoes right now we can walk right beside you and give you as much support as you need. We are here to hold you up when you cannot do that for yourself and to encourage you when things seem to be getting too hard. You are a much loved, respected and admired member here and you have us in your corner when you need. You are enough and I am grateful to know you

Thanks @Zoe7 So much of what you wrote makes sense and I could connect with. I battle with so much stuff on a daily basis that is different to everyone else. I’ve spent a lifetime hiding it, running from it and in denial of so much. I’ve also been petrified to let anyone in to the level of chaos my brain has.

The book I’m reading is bringing it all front and centre and I am so scared that I don’t have what it takes to change.

As I write this I have tears streaming down my face and I feel very alone. My outside world is very small just now just because everyone is busy with important life stuff and that is life. My friend has to fly out as a family member passed away. My son just let me know he can’t come today and I was counting on him to help ground me (he didn’t know that) but he just does by his presence. His reasons are totally valid.

Well there is a tearful rave. So sorry to dump it here.

Dump away @Teej More than happy to listen and sit here with you this afternoon (or any time I can Hon). We have shared so much over the years and your presence has always been a comfort to me - having those around that get how hard it is and how much the seemingly small things like your son not coming this afternoon helps. It makes it so much harder when things you rely on or expect do not eventuate - it can be crushing and hard to come back from ...but we do come back from it all Teej - you are a testament to that over a long time here. It is hard to believe in yourself though - I get that - so I will continue to hold onto that belief for you.

What else can you do this afternoon to ground you? I have Toby and the footy at the moment which is just what I need - happy to sit with you if that is what you need too.

Thanks @Zoe7 . I have my dog curled up next to me. I think that now that the tears have flowed I might be a bit better. I’m going to make a cuppa and try to tackle my day.....again. I just went boom but am ok for now. In the old days that boom would have been much more catastrophic. I guess that’s a win. Take care and rest up this arvo. And thank you again 💜🤗😘

You are right @Teej - in the past that boom would have been so much worse so that is indeed huge progress. Relax with dog and a cuppa and jump back on if you need to Hon

I don’t know whether this helps any or all of you @Teej @CheerBear @Zoe7 and anyone else around .... but I hope so.

I like things to be organised. I don’t need super-clean, but nicely clean and nicely tidy is my comfort level. I like to do things well, and get the boxes ticked, but I am also conscious that you can make the daily tick-box list too long to be achievable, aside from tipping a few things over to the next day, which I am also good with if they are flexible things (no real deadline).

I didn’t know when I was getting married that I was stepping on board a rollercoaster, and quite apart from life circumstances that have kept tipping my rollercoaster over and spreading it’s contents near and far, I was also marrying into a family who were conditional in terms of providing support, and happily pitching my ideas and ideals willy-nilly off the rollercoaster as we went, interfering often when I thought I might reach a goal and moving it just beyond my reach, or compromising it in some other way.

Add to that the fact that life is trial-and-error anyway, and we are not perfect enough to be able to see around corners and adjust our ideas according to the unforeseen circumstances that tend to hide there .... and to keep from curling up into a tight ball and blocking everything out, I had to learn to bend enough not to break, but be planted enough not to be swept entirely away by everything and everyone around me.

And my mr. was my rock. A lot of the coping ability I did develop was as a result of him questioning what I was trying to achieve, and making me face the reality of what I could actually achieve.

Where is all this leading ? I learned to keep a bubble of time and space around me, and work within that ..... I took a look at myself and recognised that I am an organiser with a fix-it brain .... so I organise and fix within my bubble, and leave a trail of that behind me .....

My achievements don’t always survive the next cyclone to blow down the door (my beautiful garden-sanctuary in the west is all but gone), and I cry about the sad things, but I have had the joy of things like my garden, and some photos, and I intend to draw and paint from these, and carry pieces of it forward with me.

I can panic sometimes when I look beyond the surface of my bubble and what is beyond it feels frighteningly big, but there is authenticity in that too ..... in being afraid and wondering how you will cope, in admitting that things are scary.

Ticking random boxes across the chaotic circumstances is a way of grounding them, persistently, progressively, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Just nudge your bubble over the next tick box, and remember to stop and rest when you are at a limit.

I think you are all amazing people and I am so glad to know you, to be here with you.

It has certainly been a long and hard road for you @Faith-and-Hope and that is yet another reason why I have so much admiration for you. You see the good in everything and everyone and that shines through in all you interactions especially here.

I agree that we often need to live in a bubble with just what we can deal with in the moment and try to tick off boxes as we can. This has been something that I have had to learn more recently and has infact come about through my illness - and the support I have had here. One of the downsides of my job is that we are presented with more and more work that needs to be done along with that job - that was all encompassing for me for so long and left little time to do anything else in life. The upside of being at this new school is that it is not only encouraged but expected that we have a better balance in terms of work-life priorities. I know this term will certainy test that balance again but I hope I can leave some of the things that can wait for another day and not have to burn the candle at both ends as I have had to do previously.

So what you have said makes complete sense and is infact what I am aiming to achieve - do what I can when I can and it has to be enough in the moment.

So much of what you have written also leaves me with very sad feelings for you but it also helps me as you have endured a lot, left some of your own dreams behind and yet you still have such a positive attitude and hope in your heart. Your family are so lucky to have you Hon and I have no doubt that in the future your baby dragons will benefit from everything you have given up and given to them along the way - just as you learnt so much from your own mum I am sure you kids are doing the same with you. If the legacy you leave on this planet is your kindness, dignity, grace and compassion then you have done all you can

They are lovely words @Zoe7 ..... I suspect many of us are here because we struggle to stay true to our care for others as well as meeting our commitments in a web of mental health challenges, and be able to take care of ourselves too as a part of the mix.

If what I have learned can help anybody else, it adds value to what I have battled with and endured. I am hearing similar stories in different forms all over the forums .... sometimes the mental health challenges are within, sometimes they are within another whom we love and cherish .... the pooled experiences provide opportunity for further growth, learning, courage, compassion ..... these are very important things.

I also suspect you are right with all that @Faith-and-Hope and we see it everyday from so many here. It is a continual struggle to get up and about each day for so many but most of us do it regardless of what we are dealing with - and that needs to be seen as a huge positive. It also takes people like you though to recognise those things when the hope in one wanes - and you do that so well. If that is because of your own experiences then there certainly have been some massive positives to come out of what you have endured - and we are all better here because of that

I see your sharing the same way @Teej. We can fee like we are the only ones with super-feels for others ..... or I have to get all goals or none of them count .... or whatever the driving force or see-saw is in our lives, and hearing that others are in a similar boat and are paddling their hearts out too can really help.

I got stung again while I was away @Zoe7 . Another hairdressing disaster. I wrote about it on Carers just now, but it has taken over a week to bring myself to do that, but it shows that vulnerability can catch you out sometimes, and trying to trust people can backfire, but that is only your issue if you’re not taking it on with integrity. In this case it was all about their integrity, or rather lack of, and to be honest I would rather that this had happened to me than someone else

struggling more than I am in this moment. I am struggling with the shock of it, and some tears, but it’s not that big in the wider scheme of things, and maybe by next week I will be able to start to laugh a bit about it. Maybe these things happen to help give us some perspective ..... I don’t know ..... and then maybe it’s all about that hairdresser and what the consequences of behaving that way turn out to be for them.

@CheerBear ..... wishing you strong, stable wind beneath your wings to cover as many bases as you can across the coming week. Big hugs and lots of hoping that things come together for you as easily as they can.