Just checking in.

@CheerBear

I'm feeling a bit funky. I'm really stretched with my little and big people and am struggling to find a way to do what I need and what I really, really want for myself in between it all. I feel sad and very frustrated trying to work it out. I'm extra frustrated because I know how important it is to look after me, but how do I do that when there is no-one else to step in? Being able to say no, taking time out, putting yourself first etc. - maybe that works better if you're completely on your own, but how does that work when you have people who need you? I have so much great in my life and I'm blessed to have what I do. Maybe it should be enough but it isn't enough for me. I feel guilty. I want more from my life than being 'mum'. I need to be back doing the things that give me meaning outside of my little bubble world. I desperately want to be able to do more with my life but am scared that I'll let something important slip if I do.

It always comes back to being so close to making it through my studies and into a bigger world. I was so, so close 😔 It was my ticket out and and I've struggled for years with the devastation that losing it caused (as I've often talked about here). I'm now taking a step back on track and it feels awesome, but I also feel stuck and frozen staring up at huge walls that stand in my way. I've worked really hard for a long time to break down the walls that my head has created, but the 'life' walls haven't changed. They're still there in all of their big-ness and I can't fix or change them (despite constantly trying to 😏).

Every time I've tried to step out in the past it seems life has gone up a notch and tried to show me why I shouldn't bother. As I'm getting closer (really close now) to starting at my new work adventure, that's exactly what's happening. I've reached a fork in the road and maybe a significant turning point in my journey, but with that the walls seem to be suffocating and closing in, like they're laughing at me telling me to stop trying and to stay in my box.

@Teej, @outlander, @Zoe7, @Faith-and-Hope - I wanted to say I just needed some time out (which is partly true) and that I'm fine (which is also partly true), but there's a bit more to it than that. I have a few obvious things that are playing into some not-so-totally-OK, but they aren't it. It's that stuff above that's driving it I think.

I'm stressed and tired but hopeful and excited too. It's wonky, but maybe wonky is OK until I find my groove with this new stuff? Maybe once I've made it through this week and have seen that the little world I live in will not completely crumble and crash down because I'm stepping out of it, I'll feel better. (How's that for psyching myself up? 😉😑).

Thank you for caring and for listening to spidey senses and reading long vents if you have. It helps to have stopped this morning and to have given myself time to really identify and share what's going on. To others what I am trying to do might not seem like a big deal, but there's lots inside and outside that makes it a big deal to me. I know that there are people here who can see and truly understand how things that may seem simple aren't always so easy, and I really appreciate that.

❤