Just checking in.

Totally get that feeling that when things go 'bang' you think you just need a couple of weeks @CheerBear and much like you that stretched to a couple of years. I have litlle or no idea of what happened in 2017 - basically slept through the whole year and I still find it hard to understand or believe how sick I was. The me now is getting back to the me before post bang but there is still a long way to go to get to a place where I can say I will be okay. Work is a double edged sword right now - I am still loving being back but some days I don't think I can face it - and that is mostly the tiredness coming through again. I am really hoping that I will not fall back into old thoughts - I have felt those creeping in the last couple of weeks. I think, for the most part, I am holding it together at work. Yesterday morning was really tough to get through - all I wanted to do was sleep and I could barely keep my eyes open but I got through the day and managed to get Toby to the vet before I came home and fell asleep. I do feel a bit more awake this morning but I am body weary and will probably sleep again pretty soon - that is also a clear indication that I am not quite right!

I understand your gardening dilemma CB - those associations with our negative exeriences can be quite pronounced. It is sometimes good to expose ourselves to the cause of those associations to help us get through them. Even though it is really tough for you it may also be therapeautic to get back into the veggie garden - a further letting go of some of those difficult thoughts maybe. You will only know if you try and knwoing that there is an inspection due soon may be just the motivation you need to push through. Very much hearing you though on why you haven't been able to get into that part of the garden

@Teej Thinking of you also Hon and hoping the time with your bro is not as difficult as it has been previously

Morning @CheerBear , @Zoe7 , @Faith-and-Hope and anyone else reading.

it was so good to read your post about yesterday @CheerBear . There is so much to celebrate there.

@Zoe7 You are doing well to hang in there. I am getting how hard it is right now trying to keep your head above water. I think it would be the same kind of feeling as having a new born. At first the adrenaline and love and support and newness is awesome, then at some point sleep deprivation and fatigue set in and it’s a slog to push through.

Youve both managed to put me through my paces of humanness this week 😘😳. I have experienced lots of emotions I don’t usually feel reading your posts. It’s all a good thing even though I didn’t like some of the emotions. Jealousy was one that doesn’t often enter my system but I think it kind of did in that I felt I was being left behind. I was so thrilled for the good news posts but scared too that maybe I won’t be able to write them. I think @Zoe7 reading about how hard it is to maintain it all scared me and gave me a reality check. I’m writing this because it’s been part of my learning. Please please don’t ever stop writing the posts because of this. I need to read it all.

You are really both so inspiring (with how you deal with the good and the bad) and I am so grateful for the opportunity to follow your day to day lives and feel a part of it.

I am going through lots of sorting out in my head stuff. I’ve had some really great support from the sane helpline in the past few weeks helping me to know myself better, and try to work out what support I need and how to try to get it.

I get the gardening thing too @CheerBear that would be the kind of thing I’d do too. I hope to can get on top of it and maybe change a few little things as the new beginning of CB new adventures creating a fulfilling and rewarding life.

@Teej I think that jealous feeling is quite natural when you see others doing what you want to do but haven't quite got there yourself yet - it is not a bad thing though - see it as a desire to want to do more and motivation to try to get there. None of those things come easy and you have been one of the people that have been through a hell of a lot with me over the last couple of years - so we both know how hard it has been. Do not underestimate either the influence you have had on me getting to where I am - your support and that of others has been invaluable - so in a way I am seeing my progress as everyone's here because you have all had a hand in me getting where I am.

Life is a bit tougher for me presently and I love you compaing it to a new born and the phases you go through. I am certainly so much more tired now and it is getting more and more difficult to get through the work day - some of that is the repetition and boredom of doing the same things with the same people but I am still constantly getting thanks from people at work for doing what I am doing and that keeps me going. It is so nice to have such a supportive group of people around me - both at work and here on the forum - those warm fuzzies from everyone are really helping me to feel a lot better about myself despite the very real exhaustion I am feeling. I will bounce back Hon - I believe that - it is just a slump for now and as @Faith-and-Hope has said - likely a backwash of a lot of emotions with a lot of things happening alongside me working. Those things may have pulled me right down in the past but I am getting through them alongside working and that is progress.

You have come so very far yourself @Teej and despite you being hit by some big buses lately you continue to keep going - and seek and receive support - I am truly inspired by you (and have been more a long time) - it takes one amazing person to tackle what you do and yet still get up each day and want more for yourself. Don't stop being you because you is pretty terrific

Thank you @CheerBear , @Zoe7 for being you and your beautiful responses.

@CheerBear I can imagine the mixed feelings you have around study and your sibling. It would seem very unfair. I know you’ll get to throw that graduation hat in the air one day. Keep believing because I believe you can (just not now...this month 😜😘).

I agree with @Teej here @CheerBear You too will get there one day but just not at this point in your life. You have done so much in the last couple of months - and dealt with so much - yet you continue to shine - one day you will get there and it will seem even more of a reward for you with everything you have been through. Believe in yourself Hon as we believe in you

@Teej To me you are amazing too Hon - and if I need to remind you of that periodically then that is what I will do

Just sticking my two-bob’s worth in here lovelies ..... I know I have stepped into study, but it is and will remain under the shadow of our hidden family crisis ..... until that break-through moment that may actually never come. At times, if I let those feelings escape for a little while from where I have them caged, I am looking in the window to where others have diagnosis, treatment, understanding, support, validation, more stable future prospects, etc .....

Just sayin’ .

@Faith-and-Hope It is important though that you recognise that you stepping back into study is also helping your family. Your kids are proud of you and you are showing them the way through what is an incredibly difficult situation you are all living within - that is something pretty huge Hon. They can see not only your care for them but your determination to continue moving forward - both of which must ineviatbly be helping them to move forward also. It is true that there may never be a diagnosis for Mr. but you continue to hope and believe that there is a better path forward - and every day you are living that with being sucha shining example to your kids that there is that way forward despite what is going on in everyone's lives. Keep doing what you are doing and continue to have faith and belief that it can and will get better

I think your questioning of the current situation is entirely natural @CheerBear There is a lot of that going on in my world too. Despite things going okay - especially with work - I am very tired and not coping very well with life. Work seems to be harder to get to and get through at the moment. I don't feel like it will all come crashing down but the thought has definitely been there. I can see the signs but I see that as a good thing as I can head them off at the pass - as much as I can anyway - to try to prevent that crash happening.

With knowing how we react to certain things comes the experience to know how to deal with them - at least to recognise things are not quite right and begin to put things in place to avoid them or deal with them when they come.

Part of having such a long history of negative experiences is the inevitable questioning of if positive things will last because we certainly are not used to them. It is very natural that you will be questioning whether you are in a turning point in your life and if you can trust where you are presently at. It is so much harder for those of us with an abusive and negative history to feel like this will not last and those feelings that the inevitable crash will come are very prominent in our thinking - history becomes our enemy here and sadly those negative feelings often rule our thinking. So you are not being negative right now in thinking that things will not last - you are going on your own lived experience. What is different is that you are questioning these things while you are having positive experiences and that may infact help you deal with any negative things that come your way.

I believe you have a strength now tht has grown through the years and that has been shown over the past few months with everything you have had to deal with and get through. Much of what you have had to deal with have been really Big things nd yet you have done that with a really positive outlook. I personally think you have come to a turning point in your life. That does not mean that the world is filled with sunshine and rainbows and will continue to be like that forever - that is not how life works - but you certainly are in a place that you can deal with most things with perspective and insight.

Whatever happens in the future CB you have the tools to deal with it and the support in place to help you along the way. We of course are here with you also and will continue to encourage you, care for you and support you. We don't know what the future will hold Hon but we can work every day to be a better version of ourselves - and that you are doing everyday. I have faith that you will continue to improve in all aspects of your life and hope that the future will present you will much more positivity and light