Just checking in.

Truly didn't and still have picked up on spideys @Teej - brain fry for me too. It's a lot easier to talk about you than me at the moment also haha. We are working well together today 😛

Thank you for noticing and for having an inkling. I fear walking a fine line in talking, but not talking hurts too. I really don't like time sometimes, but you are right, time is needed. I think it was you that mentioned having a feeling I wanted things to happen yesterday one time. I loved that line. It's so true. I have all the patience in the world for others, and none for myself.

Also thank you for the comments on the posting. I am trying, it's hard though.

Have you got anyone around with you today?

That makes heaps of sense @Teej. With the letter and the diagnosis. I have been reading a little about DPD. It's a cluster C? The reason I have been reading is because new words given to me are OCPD traits and avoidant PD traits, also cluster C. I find it can be SO hard not to 'be' my diagnosis, especially when I am often put in situations, or treated, like I am.

That sounds very confusing with the choices being encouraged then revoked 😞 Is it a letter you want to write or one you have to write?

Cross posting too. We really are doing well today 😉

I am home alone with dog @CheerBear. I haven’t made it to watch the boys at footy once this year. I feel so guilty because they’ve been making it in the best players for the first time in seniors. I have isolated and just can’t put on my mask yet. I’ll need to dust it off soon, probably get rid of spider webs, it’s been a while since I’ve put it on.

I did something I never do before and rang my friend to see if I could catch up to get me out of my head and heart. She is busy which is fine. She has been an astonishingly good friend to me. I’m feeling more like me for chatting here so thank you?

Masks are so hard to put on sometimes @Teej. Hard when they are also painted in guilty webs, especially when it comes to those we care about and love. I have felt some mum guilt pain lately. It's yuck.

Is this the friend who bought wine over one night not too long ago? I feel better for chatting with you, thank you. Kind of more like the CB who doesn't feel like a fraud for having a name like CheerBear. I almost asked to change it to NotSoCheerBear recently 😛 Glad I didn't haha.

Yeah it’s a cluster c. I fit some avoidant too @CheerBear. It’s a letter I want to write. For me it’s more about dignity and to a smaller degree integrity more than the outcome. I am surprised at how much it’s affected me.

Can I ask a personal question @CheerBear. Feel free not to answer. Not sure how to word it and I think it’s going to be clumsy. Before your d day was your personality different to now? I was never this intense and struggle so much finding that happy kind of carefree person I think I once was. I say I think because for me I’ve blocked much of my old life out. I struggle to remember much. It’s only been recently that the kids and I shared stories of some of the good times. But no matter I can’t tell you who I used to be or what I was like.

Oh my. Not sure how a question mark got on the end of thank you for chatting 🤔 @CheerBear. Lol with the cheerbear comment. I think it was at that moment I’m grateful that I have a non descriptive forum name 😄. Glad to see cheerbear coming back too.

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope. How are you? What’s going on in your world today?

Oh @CheerBear and yes same friend. Been friends for 33yrs. We have too much dirt on each other to not be friends lol.

It affects you because it matters @Teej, I am guessing. Stuff that matters to me churns and bubbles. It sounds important to you, like maybe you are fighting for you. Big hugs.

To answer your not-at-all clumsy question, yep. Absolutely. And I have only recently accepted that it has. The psychiatrist and my psychologist and I have had conversations about it because I was dx with BPD and found that hellishly traumatic. It was before anyone saw abuse, so they did the "it's in your head thing". Then it was changed to BPD traits which has now been changed to AvPD and OCPD traits, with my psych thinking I meet the criteria for a dx of full OCPD. That's the clinical speak. For me, my personality has just changed. I am much more cynical, bitter, mistrusting, anxious etc than I used to be. I don't care about things that I used to, and care much more about others. I am not sure it will go away, or go away anytime soon. I don't know whether personality is constantly changing though. I think it kind of does. We all change and grow and develop depending on our experiences. Edit here - in saying that, I don't know how much is personality and how much is characteristics. I think that could be a really cool idea for a thread or discussion. If i was using my phone I would probably add a thinking emoji here.

I can't imagine how tricky it could be sometimes to not remember who you used to be or what you were like though.