not feeling good

I’ll have my beautiful 3 children and Ayla to be with. And that’s more important snd special to me. --- that the way to go @BlueBay, you have a beautiful family and focus yourself on them and little Ayla

hope you feel better soon , I have reflux too with a hiatus hernia

Hi @Shaz51@Owlunar@Razzle@Former-Member@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope

this is whst we did today. We put some sleepers down in between the rocks so you can walk easier. Got a bit more to do but hubby will do rest either tomorrow or Monday.

That looks brilliant @BlueBay It is so nice to get things done in the garden and feel proud of your achievements

@BlueBay The sleepers and rocks look awesome together, you must be very pleased with your work.

I haven’t had much time on the forum these last few days. I had my last session with my councillor yesterday before we have a 6 week break.

I have had a bit of a break through, although I didn’t know it until he pointed it out. My husband had a session first and when it was almost over he told the councilor about something I did a little over a week ago.

Turns out what I did was pretty significant, something the councillor didn’t think I was ready to do but was waiting for the right time to suggest it - but I had instinctively done it myself.

The house that the worst abuse happened in is only a block away from my mums house - I pass it almost every day that I go to her house. I never look at it, but my husband was driving and I was beside him in passenger seat and when we went past something caught my eye, something was different about the house and I turned and looked at it (it was a Xmas decoration). Out of no where I asked hubby if he wanted to see the unit that the abuse happened at. He said yes so we went down a lane at the back of the house where you can see the unit and I described what it looked like inside. Then we drove around town and I showed him all the other places, the toilet block, the water tower, the horse stables. I didn’t go into any of them, just described what they were like.

My councillor said I had basically done exposure therapy to myself (something I’ve kind of heard of but never really understood), well, I’ve done it to myself which is a HUGE step forward. Not only that, but usually exposure therapy is done slowly, small bits at a time, but I had done it in a whole big chunk, all at once.

My councillor told me that I am a lot different to most people he deals with, my reactions to things are a complete surprise to him. He said that sometimes he anticipates what path I’m going to take in a session, and then I lead him down a totally different direction than what he would have expected. He said I’m very unique, and I surprise him often, I don’t quite fit the mould so to speak so he’s kept on his toes.

I left the session feeling like I wanted to cry, but not sure why. I think it was because he was really proud of me, I don’t feel like anyone feels like that about me, particularly myself.

I hope your mum doesn’t disappoint you come Xmas. My mum is staying with us this Xmas eve and then we will all go to the family celebrations the next day. She is really struggling to be home on her own, and I don’t want her to wake up alone Xmas day.

It will be so nice for you to have your children and granddaughter with you Xmas day, they really are the most important people to be with.

I hope you don’t wake up too sore tomorrow after your work in the garden today, it really looks beautiful.❤️❤️

Wow @Razzle you have done some amazing work on your own. I’m so proud of you. Thst would have to be very difficult to do.

Sounds like you have a fantastic psych who is very caring. Six week break is always hard. I’ve got a six week as well. Don’t know how I’ll go. We can be here fir each other.

Yeah reg Christmas and my parents. I’m trying not to think about it but we’ll see what happens. ❤️

How do you feel now after showing hubby the places? Glad thst your mum will be with you and nit alone.

Hope your ankle is improving.

Tiday ive got to do grocery shopping.

Oh yesterday I decided to take some photos of Ayla snd me. Selfies. I took the most funniest shots of Ayla posing and screwing her nose. Yo then laughing and seeing her little teeth. I took about 10 really funny shots that I’m thinking I may print them and do a collage for Christmas abd give to my daughter.

She really is my darling angel. She came at a perfect time for me. To help me heal. (Teary)

hope you have a nice day tiday.

My backs ok. It’s my stomach that’s causing issues. Reflux. I think hubby will be sore today. He did most of the garden.

Better go and have breakfast.

Chst later @Razzle ❤️❤️

Glad you’re not too sore this morning @BlueBay, I’m usually a “soak in an epsom bath the next day” kind of person when I’ve tackled our yard. Not that I’ve been out there in months. I’d had an argument a month or so ago about the garden with my husband so I’ve pretty much had to let it go, besides, now I can’t do anything out there even if I wanted to. The yard is very depressing now, the thistles have taken over, grass is very long and the fairy grass has started to seed, they will be blowing everywhere soon. We’ve had so much rain here since Thursday, almost 5inches so my husband is pulling some thistles out this morning while they are easy to pull up, I guess that’s something. Once the sun comes out everything will grow madly and this place will look like a jungle. It makes me sad to see it all go to ruin when it took me so long to get it looking nice.

After I had shown my husband those places, I actually felt like I had done the wrong thing. He didn’t really say much about it afterward, in fact I felt like he avoided me for almost a week which just made me feel bad, like I’d done something wrong. It seems that the more I open up and let him in the more I seem to push him away. He’s a deep thinker and it takes a few days for him to process things in his mind - but that doesn’t help me any. When I reach out it’s because I need him right then and there, not a week later. I tend to just shut down and think that there’s no point in sharing that part of me with him because it tends to just bite me in the ar$e and make me feel bad.

At least my councilor feels like I’ve done the right thing. The next step is to actually go inside - not that I can go into the unit because people live there and it would just be straight out weird. I’m not ready for that step yet anyway - looking from a distance and being in those places are two very different things.

The ankle is getting very frustrating at the moment, the swelling is very hard to control, and I think it is causing some nerve damage in my toes. Everything just takes so long to do when your leg is in a cast - I just want it off and to get back to normal - clearly I’m not a very

patient person 😏😏

Ive never had reflux, had a little heart burn with my last 2 pregnancies but it doesn’t sound anything like what you’re going through, hope you find some relief soon. Take care ❤️❤️

Hi @Razzle

I really feel for you - getting over something like a broken bone takes time and the lack of freedom and consequent occupational boredom (or whatever) can be draining.

And with the overgrown garden - I have that too - I find it difficult to do much gardening and mine looks as if it has been overtaken by triffids - that is a mythological intelligent plant species that took over the world in a novel called The Day of the Triffids - everything is so out of control and right now you can't do anything much about it either - your healing foot takes time

You could mentioned the swelling of your foot to your doctor and maybe they can ease the cast a bit - probably the lack of mobility in your leg is allowing fluid to build up there - and oh darn - this is going on for another 2 weeks and then you have to build you leg up again - it really was an unfortunate things to end your bush walk - I would feel a bit down about all of that too

And your husband - it must feel so lonely to have him shut you out like that - I hear you - it seems that he would rather live in the bliss of ignorance than look at a chore he would rather not do - how bleak is that! - at least he could have looked at it and thought about it with you and wondered how long with rain would last

I was just thinking - with that cast it must be hard to have a bath or shower when one leg is oout of commission and the cast has to stay dry -

I would be really itchy between the shoulder blades right now if this was me - thinking of you Raz

Dec

Your garden looks absolutely fantastic @BlueBay

That looks like a lot of work - but worth it

I really like the idea of you putting an album of photos of Ayla together for your daughter - that sounds wonderful - and yes - you dreamed about a baby girl before anyone knew a baby would be coming and here she is - old enough now to be part of Christmas and the beach and everything else that goes on in her life -

This time of life is so full on - and the time passes quickly - and it will never come again with Ayla though there will be others - this is the first time with a grandchild with you and it is wonderful to have photos like that to remember - for you and your daughter

Love the garden

Dec

@Owlunar Shower time is a huge production 😩. I have to bag and tape my leg so it doesn’t get wet. I bought a rectangle bin that I use upside down and sit on in the shower. The worst part is hopping over the little lip of the door way. Then it’s getting out, getting dry and getting dressed - all in a pretty confined space. I’m really not patient enough to do this - not that I have much choice 😏😏

Itching hasn’t been too bad, I have a knitting needle when I get desperate, the swelling is more of a problem. When there is no swelling there is quite a bit of room inside the cast, it just tends to blow up too quick and in places where I can’t easily elevate it, only about 2 weeks to go - and counting.

I remember watching the Movie of the triffids when I was a kid - freaked me out for years lol. I don’t know anymore what to do about the garden, I don’t think I’ll ever see eye to eye with my husband, and it’s just too exhausting arguing about the same shit all the time. I think I’ll just have to find somewhere away from home that can be my sanctuary - my garden is not that for me anymore. It just makes me sad thinking about it.

I hope you have been having a lovely weekend ❤️❤️

Hi again @Razzle

I seem to have spent a lot of time on-line this weekend and people have been supportive - the last few weeks have been difficult - my daughter had an operation and my cat had to be put to sleep and there were some other things so it was great and is great today to have so much support from my forum-family

Having a shower with all that happening must be an exercise in patience - and at this time of year with the humidity it is harder to get by with a lick and a promise

I had a knee arthroscopy last year - I am used to crutches so they were not a problem but because I am getting a bit older and live alone I got to spend the night in hospital and going to the toilet was a real exercise in trying not to laugh when I was really battling and I would have cried had I not been laughing. The nurses wanted to escort me to and from the loo which was okay I guess but I am a big girl now and would rather do this alone and at least I think the whole thing was funny -

I wonder though if I had gone straight home after the operation as people often do now days - I gave up the crutches at home - I get it that you need them and that can be a bother - I hear you and yep - I know - but the crutches in a small space is really weird

Two weeks to go Raz - I bet it feels as if it has been forever

Dec