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not feeling good

BlueBaySenior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 9:06 pm AEDT

not feeling good

At the moment i am not feeling good. i feel like my body is in 'run away mode'. i feel my body is running on a high, my head is so mixed up. i have to go to bed and try to sleep, but don't know if i can.

my hormones are everywhere at the moment; my mood is sky high negative. i can't deal with this anymre. all of a sudden i am not feeling good. i think it is anxiety.

i don't know why i feel like this; i just want to cry but can't becsue everyone is home. i am going to bed. i don't know what is going on. actually maybe it is anxiety because i felt like passing out today.

I went to my GP to have my mirena IUD taken out as I had had enough. But he couldn't find the string, so he sent me for a ultrasound. Had that and the guy said i had two fibroids and a cyst on my ovary. but he couldn't find the string either, so had to have an xray to find the metal piece. they didn't tell me anything. but while waiting i was so anxious i almost passed out.

so now i have to wait for tomorrow when my GP will call me at work and let me know what will happen now. hopefully he can take the mirena out. i don't know.

my body is reacting to my anxiety - i feel so shaky, i need to stop. no point telling anyone at home becasue (a) they won't believe me and (b) they prob wouldn't care.

sorry, i had to tell someone. i feel so alone 😞

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In response to: not feeling good

BlueBaySenior Contributor16 Mar 2018, 9:20 pm AEDT

Re: not feeling good

Right now I'm so frustrated
Can't do anything
Why can't I just go away for s while
I want to run fast
Need to hide
I want to be rescued
I want to be saved
And loved and hugged

In response to: not feeling good

BlueBaySenior Contributor17 Mar 2018, 7:42 am AEDT

Re: not feeling good

Hi @Zoe7 and everyone else
I'm up having a cup of tea. Listening to the birds outside in the trees. My back is aching. It's nice and quiet everyone else still asleep
I'm going to call my doctor this morning to see if I can see him today. If not I will have to wait until Thursday.
Feeling very destructive in the sense of self sabotage with my meds. Zoe you know what I mean.
I'm just coping hour by hour even less. I'm hoping to get into hospital admission soon. I'm on waiting list. But it could be weeks before I get in.
I better go and do a load of washing.
I'll be bavk later

In response to: not feeling good

BlueBaySenior Contributor17 Mar 2018, 10:04 am AEDT

Re: not feeling good

I phoned my gp to see if I could see him and guess what he said no. I was snd am so pissed off. Angry and hate him fir saying no. He told me to ring the CAT team. I drove to the supermarket parked and called the CAT team. I had a nice gut in the phone. I told him I hate everyone including my doctor for what he said snd that I couldn't see him today. Told him I have some meds at home I could take. Told him about suicide thoughts and Sh for revenge. We spoke for a while. I cried for a while. He listened. He said I could take one med to calm down snd to call back later today if need to.
Now we're going to visit MIL in nursing home. I so hate visiting. But have to. I could easily stay home. Where I want to be today.

In response to: Re: not feeling good

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor17 Mar 2018, 10:09 am AEDT

Re: not feeling good

Listening @BlueBay .....

Glad the CAT guy was lovely.

Can you take some knitting to do when you visit MIL so it’s not just about her ..... and you get to do something for yourself as well ?

In response to: not feeling good

BlueBaySenior Contributor17 Mar 2018, 10:23 am AEDT

Re: not feeling good

Hi @Faith-and-Hope
Good idea but we've left already. I'm crocheting a peppermint bsby blanket for my boss. She is pregnant and due in august. And I'm also going to knit some booties and beanie. Something for me to do.
The CAT team guy suggested I do one small thing today not overwhelm myself and take small steps.
I told him I'm sabotaging myself with not taking my meds. It makes me crazy and more suicidal. I wish I could have seen my doctor today.
Are you ok? I know you've been struggling a bit. Sorry I haven't been able to chat to anyone lately.

In response to: Re: not feeling good

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor17 Mar 2018, 10:41 am AEDT

Re: not feeling good

Yeah, I’m doing okay @BlueBay .....

Guess that needs to be your first priority then, re the meds. It is self-sabotaging, as @Zoe7 has said, and that is probably your inner child being petulant and crying out for attention ..... giving herself the excuse to throw wobblies, when what she is really looking for is love and comforting attention.

When that is happening, maybe work n deals with yourself ..... like, okay, I will find attention for myself, but take my meds first, because that is going to be the first thing I am asked ..... and I can’t get angry with my doctor for refusing to see me if I haven’t taken my meds and it’s making me aggressive with si ..... I have to be responsible for that part .....

💙

In response to: not feeling good

BlueBaySenior Contributor17 Mar 2018, 10:58 am AEDT

Re: not feeling good

You're so right @Faith-and-Hope.
I'm in nursing home and MIL is in communal lounge room with 20 others. She won't go back to her room so we are stuck in this room. I'm so over visiting. I know I may sound terrible daughter in law but it is truly horrible.
I can't stand being in this room with all these people.

In response to: not feeling good

BlueBaySenior Contributor17 Mar 2018, 11:17 am AEDT

Re: not feeling good

Right now I wish I wasn't here.
Self sabotage screaming fir help fir attention and support
I do understand what you're saying @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7
Sabotage is my friend.

In response to: not feeling good

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor17 Mar 2018, 11:22 am AEDT

Re: not feeling good

I know it’s sucky @BlueBay ......

Now is a good time to let your mind wander ..... to thinking about what is for lunch, and dinner prep ..... and what to do for the afternoon to keep you out of mischief ......

Think about the blanket you are knitting and other craft plans. Can you see outside at all, to gardens and trees ?

Is there any music playing ? Sing a favourite song to yourself in your mind .....

And you have hugs incoming from me ......

In response to: Re: not feeling good

Zoe7Senior Contributor17 Mar 2018, 11:24 am AEDT

Re: not feeling good

Self-sabotage is not your friend @BlueBay and that inner child that is screaming out for help is not going to receive it in this way. The adult you needs to be a comfort for that child not a destructive influence. The adult you needs to show that inner child that despite everything you have grown up and survived what she endured. The adult you needs to hold that child close and comfort her - self-destructive behaviour will only further hurt the inner child. The adult you needs to be strong and find the courage to carry the pain and hurt for that inner child so she can continue to move forward.

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