not feeling good

Hi @Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar @Zoe7 @Shaz51 @NikNik @outlander and others I have forgotten

I think I have hit a bump - I am in a 'depressive downer'

I have stopped my meds since last night, I saw my GP this morning and told him I am going to stop them (I couldn't tell him I have already stopped). He told me to not stop them because it will cause my depression to be a whole lot worse and it may cause me to have a stroke if i don't take my meds.

I started to cry and told him i feel so isolated at work because others leave me out when they talk about stuff. I feel so alone that i end up walking off and dusting an area. I donm't feel included. And one of the persons that does it is my 'so called friend'. my gp said that is terrible which then made me cry even more.

i told him what's the point in going to work if no one talks to me i may as well go home and talk to no one.

he suggested that i do go to work and at least mix with the customers. he wanted to make sure i promised him that i would take the meds.

I did go to work it wasn't that great, i was not in a good mood, very emotional. i did what i had to do with work and just carried on.

i emailed my psych and told him i am stopping my meds. he emailed bakc and said no not a good idea and he would speak with me in my appt on Monday. he suggested i see my GP.

I am seeing my GP tomorrow morning again as he wants to 'keep an eye on me'.

i haven't taken my meds since yesterday, no last night, no morning, and no tonight.

i want to feel normal again, like a normal person. i feel that because of my mental state i am neglected by others at work and it feels terrible, really bad. i feel it is humilating.

from feeling ok to now feeling crap and crying. didn't last long this 'good' feeling.

Hi @BlueBay, Why did you stop taking the medication? Was it having icky side-effects?

Why did you stop taking the medication? @BlueBay, I know why Mr Shaz stops his meds and after a while he has to go back on them again xx

Hi @Phoenix_Rising @Shaz51

I stopped them becasue I just wanted to. I want to feel 'normal' like a normal person. I am sick of taking so much medication. And i want to see how i feel without them.

Yes Mr shaz says the same thing @BlueBay

@BlueBay Ok. I am curious though...I wonder what a "normal" person feels like? One of my favourite expressions is that we shouldn't compare our inside with other people's outside. I know that most people who engage with me would have no idea that I routinely struggle with intense suicidal ideation. At the place where I volunteer each week I am always giggling and fooling around. Those people have no idea that I've been seeing my GP every week for the past six months to help me stay alive.

I totally respect your choice to stop your medication in order to feel like a "normal" person. I'm just not quite clear about how you are going to know whether what you are feeling is what "normal" people feel???

@Phoenix_Rising I understand what you're saying because I hide my feelings and a lot of people don't even know I suffer from depression let alone suicide ideation.

I guess i don't really know what is 'normal'. I see myself as someone who is mentally unstable taking lots of meds and I wanted to stop them to see if I feel better without or if I could be like others who don't take meds.

Yeah, i don't really know. I think i am more frustrated by feeling so alone andn isolated at work that triggered me to stop my meds. maybe it's a cry for 'help' again.

I think deep down I still feel that i am 'seen different' because i have a mental illness.

@BlueBay It super sucks that you feel so alone and isolated at work.

I can understand you wanting to know if you feel better or worse off the medication. I was saying on a post just the other day that for most of my 20 year saga I have been totally medication free. This is because it is well-accepted in the research literature that medication isn't really effective in treating BPD. However, I HAVE found medication useful at times in treating depression. I have just started on a new anti-depressant last week and I am hopeful that it is going to improve the depression. I am perfectly happy taking medication if I see it is having a positive effect, but I have no interest in taking it simply because some sections of society automatically assume that someone with a mental illness "should" be on medication.

It sounds like you are contemplating whether stopping your medication is a "cry for help." That's some impressive self-awareness. I know you are the expert on your life and you will do what is best for you. Take care @BlueBay

Thanks @Phoenix_Rising

I really don't know if it is a 'cry for help' yet again.

@NikNik or any @Former-Member around. What is your opinion on stopping meds?

It is self sabotage? A cry for help? Danger? Health risk?

@BlueBay I hope you don't mind me jumping in here!

You have every right to determine what goes in your body - meds or no meds.

My concern for you is that you are infact going back to 'old' ways and not valuing yourself and your health my stopping meds so suddenly. You have come a long way lately and have found some happiness in your life - and this has been a very long time coming. I am going to be really upfront with you and say what I think - and you may not like it - but I am willing to take that risk having gotten to know you over many, many months now. I do think you are engaging in a form of self-sabotage. Why - because you have spent so many years not being listened to, not being heard and not being valued and respected the way you deserve to be. Your default setting when you are starting to have these negative feelings, or you are feeling like you are not being included/listened to is to fall back into 'old' habits so you can receive attention (from anywhere). This is only a temporary solution though as it doesn't actually make you feel better about yourself by having others 'look after you'. You then start to feel like you are 'failing' again.

You do not believe that you deserve to be happy but you do. This is a very much learned behaviour that is difficult to break out of. It takes strength, courage and time to re-learn how to live without constantly falling back into old thought patterns and ways of behaving but I have seen you begin to do this over the last few weeks and I have faith that you can continue on this path.

Don't be so hard on yourself - you will have 'slips' and periods where you feel you are going backwards again - but there is every indication from you most recent posts that you can rise above these and actually be happy.

I believe you can do this BB ...and I will sit on your shoulder if you need along the way.

Zoe