GEtting back to who I am

hey @Meowmy @StanD @fluffylight

I decided to take some proactive steps

1) I will contact my EAP program and speak to them again. They were super helpful last time

2) It is time for a new psych. My old psych nearly dozed off last time i saw him. It was absurd.

3) I have made a list of symptoms i can raise with my new psych on day 1. I'm not interested in sitting there and talking about who i am, my journey, my family etc etc. All that crap. I did that too many times and it's laughable now. Plus, i'd probably benefit maybe haha from doing that instead of being stuck in a rut everytime i visit my old psych.

4) I made a list of things that were bugging me (some of them are relationship based). So now they no longer exist in theory but are now in a place to look at and work on. If being in a relationship means anything, it means being honest.

5) My diary entries in the evening are waffle. This annoys me. But I am glad I have recognised it. IT has been a good process tbh, but i can refine it

6) I spoke to mum about a few things today too which helped me externalise them


I will do some weights here after i clock off from my work shift. I will watch a show while I do.

Wow @MDT

I am learning a thing or two to take for my own self care and how to be gentle with myself.. Thank you for sharing this.

What show do you plan to watch? 😊

fluffylight x

I watched the drum @fluffylight

Not bad. Current affairs. Gotta go bed.

See ya


Thanks @Meowmy
You're a cool cay

Bugger. Sorry to hear that @Meowmy
Keep the faith. Thinking of you

Have had a bit of a rough start to my morning before I've even properly woken up


A friend of mine from uni is over in aus atm. I caught up with him last week. Was good to see him, but I felt like it wasn't really sincere. What do I mean by this ?

Well I found that the conversation we had kept moving about. I felt he was a bit all over the place. Talking about masters, talking about work talking about education. The next day I sent him a message saying that we should hang out again and that I'd like to introduce him to my partner. I heard nothing for almost a week. I saw that he had seen the message.

I asked him earlier this week about how nz was. How was the trip and he said yeah it was good sent me a photo of the football match he was at.

I told him I had a free day today and he said he probably can't catch up. Because he is seeing a movie at 2pm.

Well I mean there is the whole morning we could hang out. But in the end, I have realised I kinda didn't wanna read his message.

Maybe I'm overanalysing it. Maybe I'm totally fine. This business of second guessing myself needs to stop at some point.

Rather than get angry at myself and fed up, I'd rather choose to use my language skills and articulate the issue.

the issue is simple - I have grown up a lot in the last number of years. This has come about because of my job but also because of past traumas. I am not trying to make it sound like what I dealt with in the past was so bad, but I have realised that it was hard to see my sister go through all of that. Anyway, I am now going well in life and it's really all because of my efforts. Believing in myself and my ability. I have come through a lot in those years. Even just remembering how I used to post here and what I used to say. How I expressed myself.

I think moving out has helped a great deal. also being in my relationship too. Signs that I've grown and moved on.

the repressed version of myself is no longer

I have channelled A LOT

Anyway. Today I have been to gp to get a new psych. will shop about. Don't wanna get stuck in therapy culture/cult. I just want strategies and support mechanisms in place. Then I'll head to coffee shop to write and work on uni application which looks like it may work I hope but just at another institution.

Just having first coffee of the day

I feel that there is a deep change within my psyche. It's like I have gotten rid of all the last vestiges of my previous self and have found myself again. Or at the very least, I have come closer to myself.

I think I have set a course for betterment by making conscious decisions that both improve my lifestyle and my life outlook.

Yesterday I was able to do the trauma course and found it very very useful. As a result, I no longer feel the need to serve an ego that I constructed maybe 10 years ago. I mean I was 19 then. About to hit my 20s. I am now about to hit my 30s.

I recall writing a piece in high school PDHPE class called "The type of man I want to become" . I wish for the life of me that I kept it. I think maybe it is lying around the house but I recall some key themes from it.

One key theme was being in a relationship and not wanting to push past my partners boundaries. I haven't done that at all - in fact I've been adamant about it. If I love her, then why would I want to push past her boundaries. Why would I want to harm her? I want what is good for her.

I imagine at that stage in my life I wrote something about god. Well put it this way, I'm asking questions of God. And I have every right to. I was told not to when I grew up in the church environment. But now, after reading more about humanity - we are made (if that claim is true) in his image and part of this includes questioning. An old school friend used to joke that I was doubting thomas.... like the apostle... well all jokes aside its true. I do doubt I think. And I think this is healthy. I'm not interested lying.

I think somewhere on the road to where I am now I got lost in my own musings and thoughts. It's a bit like a play on a stage - we see the play on the stage but have no idea abaout the backstage drama. I guess I was trying to take a seat in the audience of my own stage show (my life) and also get an ear in on the backstage drama. It's like I was trying to have 3 things at once when, at best, I can get 2. So I can no longer be a passive observer of my own story because I am on the stage. That is my life. And tbh, the stage production of my life is way more interesting, way more learned.

I think I visit the past quite a lot - trying to understand parts of it. Like a history professor pulling out old things from the past and finding that no one really cares. Or at least, the people who do care are few and far between and have a vested interest in their own career.

I suppose what I mean by that is that I no longer feel the need to impress people with where I studied, what I studied, how i studied. In the end, everyone is doing much less the same thing.

Much of the anger and repression I have had in the past has been coming from good intentions (wanting to challenge and push myself, wanting to do the right thing, wanting to be free).. It is in the pursuit of these things that I have got lost.



anyway, I've mused enough for no - i make no apology of course. But sometimes one needs to act to learn, not just to consume. I think I need to consume more however.


See you all around

@Appleblossom @TAB @StanD @Owlunar @Shaz51 @Meowmy and others following by