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GEtting back to who I am

MDTSenior Contributor

GEtting back to who I am

Many of you have been following my journey on the forums over these years.

I want to say thanks.

I also want to try to post more reflective things here. This is why I have called this thread "getting back to who I am". It needs to become a reflective exercise. I think it'll be good. It'll be an outlet, one where I can create again. Like I used to.

I am finding that I need that creativity too. So here is the best chance to do so.

Wanted to post this video too - I came across it a while ago. By a while I mean years. I found it when I was in a spot of bother in my life. Listening to it now I have realised that no matter what happens, you'll find that there are things on the journey that throw you about and you wind up somewhere that's different to what you expected but at its base, at its root, it is still the same thing you wanted initially. It's just that it looks different

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNl916LJSY8

The video is great. Like this little girl, who has the postcode of her destination... I once had a postcard of a destination and now I have arrived at the station. What I expected is very different. But it's still, at the basic level, the same. Maybe that is all that matters in the end.

I'm over tormeting myself with hypothetical situations that "may" happen. Even situations that have no proof or evidence of having any chance of occuring. IT could just be that I have had to adapt to seeing horrible things at work on a daily basis. It can screw with me. Fortunately they have a vicarious trauma course that I was signed on to and that will be taking place next week.

Somehow all the ducks are in a row and it feels weird. I guess I grew used to not having my ducks in a row?

I'm more accepting of things. Largely because I've put in the effort to make things work for me. I guess now, I'm benefitting from it and it's weird. At times I just have moments where I think it all doesn't make sense and/or something bad will happen. I continually need to remind myself that even IF something bad happened/happens then it's not as bad as soome of the horrible things I see happen all over the world. The best response to this is gratitude.

But also to find stories of everyday heroism. Stories that remind me of the willpower of people to go on despite adverse circumstances.

I have tried to write to myself as if I were my own therapist (an exercise I call self therapy haha) but sometimes I just get lost in my things. I haven't seen my psych for a while because I find that I'm a different person now. Not a bad thing, but a challenge that represents itself I guess. Therapy has helped, but I think now I may just need to visit my p doc every three months and do some psychoanalysis.

What is it normal people do these days anyway?

Love is hard too, but it feels worthwhile despite its hardness.

183 replies

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In response to: GEtting back to who I am

MDTSenior Contributor

Re: GEtting back to who I am

Hey forumites

Just gonna share some stuff here

Woke up rank. Got a good breakfast in. So that was positive. But about 90mins into my day I was hit with an overwhelming sense of dread. About everything really, but specifically my job and my relationship.

I feel like I am holding on to things from the past in my relationship atm. Things like times were we argued about things. Times I stuffed up. I'm holding on to these because I was hurt by things she has said or done. Sometimes I feel like she expects me to be macho or something. Even though she said she didn't want that.

Its also true that I over analyse even the smallest things. The tiny things. I don't look at the big picture. The big picture is that it's okay. All these things are normal. I mean normal for me. I am naturally like this.

I think what's adding fuel to the fire inside me is my over analysis and focus on small things. The lingering self doubt, despite having proved things.

I think I closed myself off in the past - emotionally speaking. Because I didn't actually pay attention to my own true self. I started to do that last year. And I feel I strayed so far from it.

Now I feel like I am a different person from whom I was back then. And I don't like it

This ofc adds pressure to myself to "get back to myself". I can't do this by pressuring myself ofc.

I don't like being in this state atm
I dunno whether to vent oit my anger or to cry.

Its like i have constructed a whole persona to use externally but my internal world is chaotic.

Its this state of unknown that is really throwing me

In response to: Re: GEtting back to who I am

MDTSenior Contributor

Re: GEtting back to who I am

So I took a break

One things clear


I get LOST in my own thought world.

I must stop. Must.

But I can only stop by NOT bullying myself into it. By just accepting whatver it is I feel in the moment and know that it is temporary.

I flicked on X and Y , album by Coldplay. One of their old ones.

There's line from it I really like

"Every step you take could be your biggest mistake. It could bend or ot could break. But that's the risk you take"

I think this is an admission of how much we can't control.

To whom am I comparing myself? That is the question.

It shouod only be me. Previous versions of myself.

Now, time to get back on up and keep going in the direction I am going.

To not convince myself that just because there is an absence of a problem, doesn't mean there is one hidden around the corner. There is no latent problem. There is only my perception, for better or worse of a problem...

So tonight when I see my partner I'll tell her what's on my heart about my own health. She will support it. And that is clear. I can't beat myself up about how I took a small comment the wrong way. How I interpret things is the issue. How I read subtext into it.

This is all part of getting back to who I am.

@StanD @TAB @Shaz51 @Meowmy @outlander @Appleblossom

In response to: Re: GEtting back to who I am

MDTSenior Contributor

Re: GEtting back to who I am

@Owlunar@Jacques @Bill16

In response to: Re: GEtting back to who I am

TABSenior Contributor

Re: GEtting back to who I am

.stuff happens @MDT most relationships esp these days are learning experiences.

some more distractions perhaps Hams re thinking. plus if it anit getting you anywhere .. its not thinking , it Worrying. Serves no purpose, unless you are an Enemy of Hams ...

In response to: Re: GEtting back to who I am

MeowmySenior Contributor

Re: GEtting back to who I am

@MDT hey hams, have a good weekend. You will succeed.

In response to: Re: GEtting back to who I am

MDTSenior Contributor

Re: GEtting back to who I am

Good point - @TAB

If it's not thinking then it's worrying. Particularly if yes it's not leading to anything.

In response to: Re: GEtting back to who I am

MDTSenior Contributor

Re: GEtting back to who I am

evening forumites

Headed off to church tonight for the first time in say 10 years.... See what guidance and counsel is offered there. Never hurts to try and seek out that sort of advice I think



I am currently trying to navigate the possibility of doing a masters course at uni again. I'm headed back to my old uni. I really liked the quality of the course. So i applied to a masters program and got into it with government support. Whetehr I can manourve my classes around remains to be seen. But it is worth a shot I think. Maybe it'll be really easy to do, maybe it'll be too hard, maybe it'll be right in the middle. Who knows? Only one way to find out methinks.



On tops of that I am also learning how to be a better partner, not because i am a bad one, but because i want to be. Beacuse I want to strive to improve in this area, again not because there is anything wrong with my current approach, but just because i am so uniquely human and can only learn how to do things. My partner and I are happy with where it is at, but there are always challenges. I guess this is what it is to be in love - to want to navigate the storms of life together and see the other person successful.



I think I have moved past what I call the "Careerist" narrative - by this i mean the belief that the best thing I can do for myself is have a career. I think this is one type of success. I think it's healthy to want to do better, and healthy to have a good job you enjoy. But I think it is unhealthy to obsess over it like it was the most important thing you could contribute to the world. A far better thing to strive for is self improvement. But at times I need to accept that this takes time to implement and it really isn't up to anyone else in my life to tell me what that is - It is solely up to me .

@TAB @Appleblossom @Owlunar @outlander @Bill16 @Jacques @Meowmy
@StanD

In response to: Re: GEtting back to who I am

TABSenior Contributor

Re: GEtting back to who I am

sometimes things are okay as they are ? @MDT do whatever works for you

In response to: Re: GEtting back to who I am

MeowmySenior Contributor

Re: GEtting back to who I am

@MDT hey hams, thanks for sharing your life. Very grateful to be part of your friendship circle. You are doing great. Hope you continue to do well.

In response to: Re: GEtting back to who I am

MDTSenior Contributor

Re: GEtting back to who I am

yeah true TABs @TAB
I think they are okay
Maybe even more okay?

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