@StanD I loved your conversation to @hanami about trees and managing stuff online. Social politics is always hard, on here and irl. I think I had to practice on here before I managed it in real life. Your conversation makes me feel very normal. Not sure if it is do with some similar attachment issues from childhood and personality styles.
Tbh, I see early small amount of psychedelic use as a protective factor for me. It probably opened up neural pathways in my brain that enabled me to appreciate and see awe, that may never have occurred due to all the trauma I had also experienced. So now that it is being used experimentally I find it quite interesting. BUT it is not a fix all solution without other supports and therapy in place. My last 'trip' was in Athens overlooking the Parthenium over 40 years ago! In a funny way ... for me ... awe ... spiritulity and religion ... and biochemistry is all a big mix. In a way I feel lucky for having many of my experiences... eg girl in chem lab at school ... offered me my first ..so always have been a bit science based and experimental ... Loved Kubla Khan from Year 11 lit too.
https://www.litcharts.com/poetry/samuel-coleridge/kubla-khan#:~:text=“Kubla%20Khan”%20can%20be%20read,to%20realize%20that%20creative%20potential.
Anyway that was my mindset with it all ...
Before, I started standing my ground on here ... all I did before was WORK, PEOPLE PLEASE, and WITHDRAW when conflict or hostility emerged.
The situation last night ... corrected ... when I did a quick no BS ... 'you got it wrong about my eyesight'... but no flare up ... and another... mini adjustment about it being personal choice when it was right to "stretch oneself" ... she had said ... other things ... and I was a little agitated during the playing ... we played music for 2 hours straight ... then had tea.
In the conversation ... we four had intelligent discussion both personal and general ... we are all highly educated older professionals ... so if we are gonna be able to work together... there has to be space for authenticity. I am pretty used to playing 2nd fiddle ... but also opened up in a no nonsense way that surprised her ... and she adjusted her manner of interacting with me to a bit more respect.
I vented about the situation with my counsellor on Monday ... and I think that, and mentioning it to you, helped me free up and relate in "present moment" with the group, without bringing all my trauma, but also bringing my strength ... with a little trauma ... everyone has some, to be honest and human.
My church situation was a bit tricky for first 2 years. Its just starting to get better. I had to push back against ... stigma ... etc. I felt very disturbed about it all behind the scenes (including very suicidal). Somehow I have a weird attribute that keeps me ... at it ... the LIFE thing ... tho I do feel detached also ... and am ready to go ... when it is my time. Taking active steps to end it ... is another matter ...
I do hope something works out for you in real life. I sense a beautiful soul in you.
