Need help with a complex situation with depression

I like to think that my influence over my kids will have been enough to keep them emotionally secure ... along with WH's input before he underwent the sort of personality, values, and behavioural changes that come along with the altered thinking state of an e.d. ....

I hadn't realised until more recent comments he has begun to make about his father, and the feedback from someone else who I won't mention just yet, just how emotionally abandoned by their father WH and his brothers were, and bullied by him .... there has been no CSA that I am aware of, and it's pretty clear how much that is a precursor to mi from these forums, but learning more about e.d.'s it seems that almost all the boxes are ticked re precursors .....

MIL professed to come from the area of Greece that she was raised in following the political murd#r of her father, rather than the reaction she was born. I learned later that both she and FIL were from regions where the people were known as fierce warriors .... hence an inheritance of emotional austerity on both sides of the family, and no doubt the reward mentality comes from that background too .... you won honour and attention through achievement, and without achievement you went unrecognised. Emotional intelligence had no real value .... boy .... I would have been left out on a mountainside from a young age .... lol .... !!

I thank God that my mum was around for as long as she was, even though she could only pay us visits, owing to her fragile health, but she would come and stay for a few weeks at a time, and even her memory and talk of her has been a counter-weight in terms of my kids I think, along with WH work absence for so long. It means I have been the foundational parent for them, despite MIL's influence. I think kids often read intent better than we give them credit for, and make allowances for short-falls.

Your circumstances are what gave you very strong empath qualities @Former-Member .... and in my book at least, that's a real gift. I am so great fun for that gift in myself, along with my highly visual processing ability. I am sure that makes me strange to some, but then they are strange to me as well .... lol ....

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Oops, sorry @Former-Member .... crossed over emails with you .... hope you can just put aside my last one if its too much for you at the moment ....

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@Faith-and-Hope

For all the support of late.

I didn't get to work out photoshop but I did get to use the app to do what I wanted. I have been very emotional, very confused and very lost since Christmas. The last 10 days I've been on a kniife's edge with wanting to SH and called out for help. Today was lifeline which wasn't that helpful but I feel calmer just now

Much of this is trying to work out how to be carer and a mum and deal with my own stuff. Tomorrow I see a doctor to get a script for new antidepressants but I'm not holding my breath. I think the ones I was on will probably be better but I'm being open-minded. Changing has been at the request of the psychiatrist. I suspect they'll numb me a bit but not enough to be worthwhile losing what I gained on my old meds.I agreed to while I'm not studying. I think it's time I come out of hiding on here and rejoined the lived experience side again but wanted to thank you so much for your support here when I needed it a lot.

Thanks again 🤗💜

P.S. .... love the image .... ❤️💕💐💜

You okay @Former-Member ?

Yeah @Faith-and-Hope. I had a bad dream, woke up and checked forum but then didn't really feel like posting anything. Thank you so much for tag teaming me in SATM earlier, greatly appreciated. I was trying to stay awake but crashed. Seems like you've had a nice rest day today 💜🤗

By the way I forgot to mention that I love that you've discovered my addiction of iPad jigsaws. It truly is the only thing that I can do by myself to calm down as my brain loves then and gets absorbed with them. It's only after about 4plus hours that they begin to lose distraction. One day when I went to respite and was bad I did them for 10. Hours straight. @Faith-and-Hope