Winter solstice

Thanks Dim.

I am not sure what to say. Seems we cant change our families, but accepting.... idk ... Freezing is a legit response, and only you know the right way to move from freeze mode. I am often in that mode, I guess, my way is quietly doing mundane activities that dont take a lot of mind power, and issues are not critical. I call it stunned bunny mode... these days.... for a long time I was not even aware of my trauma responses. I was just me, but eventually, I guess there is material online and we learn ... if nothing else, it can normalise and situate our feelings in circumstances and process, rather than being too much about identity.

I find Tim Fletcher youtube good sometimes.... but sometimes I cant bare to hear more about it, so I listen in dribs and drabs, and then have a big break.

I had 2 difficult things this week re family @Dimity but at least a decision made. Not one I wanted to make, but best sometimes to make one, than to remain in freeze. Yet we stills have our feelings of love and attachment and helplessness, or a sense of duty .... family!

Today I had a National Survivors session and am getting a palm tree taken down. I didnt want to do that either, but neighbourly relations and the tiny size of my block meant it was time. I no longer believe Mr Bunnings tags on his plants telling me something is only going to be 2-3 metres high. Nup! Wrong! Never mind. The guys who are doing the job are decent.

I'm sorry to hear you had difficult decisions re family and lost your palm tree @Appleblossom .

Mm stunned bunny mode. Or deer in the headlights. I haven't yet found a way to emerge. I need to be aware first (probably dissociate). Psychologist suggested tapping. Hadn't heard of Tim Fletcher... I'll set aside some time to look at a video.

Enjoy your Sunday, I know you have commitments - they seem empowering.

A church conductor once jeered at me that ... I was deer caught in the headlights....about 15 years ago. Things went bad in that church for me although they did fabulous music. @Dimity their souls were not in the right place. I left it about 10 years ago. I did not quite know why he said that, but with trauma information coming out it made sense, so I do reflect, that I probably lived in that mode for a lot of my life, doing what was necessary but a little startled. Now I am doing less, and paying more attention to my feelings. Until recently I always had to sweep feelings aside, and just keep functioning.

Today I played a condensed Chopin Nocturne from my book of Voluntaries, and got through the service alright. It is less demanding or exciting than doing a full mass each week. but I have been at this church for 5 years. Its local. I am starting to feel like I am accepted, and belong a bit here and there.

The afternoon was the faith based MH group, but in a different local church so I feel I am able to somehow weave together my social interacting with autheniticity, and a whole self approach, not keeping a purely professional mask on. I dont mean to do all church, but I guess I needed the sense of depth and reverence for the sacred, with what I have been through. I tried lots of secular stuff... bumpy roads ... but doing alright with u3a.

My feelings are all over the place, a lot of the time, as so much has gone on with my son recently, but I have to keep keeping on. Structure and commitment help anchor me. I became very isolated after mother and 2nd brother died and I left that big city church. I need to be a little active in community. Socialising has been, and still is a rocky ride ... Day by Day...

Are you still doing some social stuff?

It's important having those links with two local churches I think @Appleblossom ... community connection and feeling like you belong is something I'd like to have. Perhaps the commitment of churchgoers is something you all share, beyond daily grind and fluff.

My only face to face interaction is fortnightly. I dropped out from one group when the discomfort got too much and am not sure how long I'll last in the other. I've enquired elsewhere re social support but am very nervous. So far I've avoided groups organising bus excursions and dining out. And I haven't ventured to the local church I was interested in but continue to see posts from the pastor. I'm very lonely.

I've been reliving old trauma through old diaries and letters I'm slowly working through and discarding. A process I feel necessary but I've come to grief when attempting it before.

I've also being emotionally torn by an upsurge in family dramas, against the backdrop of longterm problems. The heartache and pain are visceral. "No worst, there is none" Gerard Manly Hopkins said.

I think I've largely shut down, and get by from day to day. Yes, we keep on keeping on.

Hi @Dimity , it sounds like you are carrying a lot of pain and heartache right now. Given everything you're working through with the old diaries, family issues, and loneliness, it makes sense that you're feeling shut down and focused on getting through one day at a time.

I know you have been longing for more connection, but I also notice the connections you are building here on the forum. The care, understanding, and thoughtful conversations you share with others are meaningful, and you are very much a valued part of this community.

For now, be gentle with yourself. Sometimes "keeping on keeping on" is more than enough.

https://www.bartleby.com/lit-hub/poems/13-pied-beauty/

Maybe I am ...original, spare, strange;

or fickle, my hands are definitely... freckled ...lol

@Dimity

Socialising is hard work, and it seems to be a fulltime job at the moment. Learning to vary my approaches. Researching. Using humour, assertiveness. and just my truth and being relaxed, no stress... trying to find the balance.

Your efforts seem to be paying dividends @Appleblossom . . I'm glad you're finding your people and reconnecting with family.

Pied beauty is a very special poem I associate with my late mother.

Today I tried to look into walkin mh clinics. Very difficult to locate information and providers and some information seemed out of date and misleading.

I don't do many meals out. If I have to pay, and eat more when I am trying to manage my weight, I want good company. One church does Occasional Sunday Lunch Out every month. Mostly I avoid it, but spontaneously went as the preacher asked me. I've also known being in a crowded room, but feeling alone far too much. It's taken 5 years in that church. I go gently and diligently.

I am sensing your wariness is due to experience. Hearing you about the shifting terrain in mental health in person "spaces". I don't know any around me. I hear Tassie and Qld do better than Victoria. I don't know any one else I can talk about good music and poetry with. You actually know and care about both. Thanks for being you.

Interesting that you are looking into walk-in MH clinics, @Dimity . That's not good that the information is not readily accessible or accurate 😥

I appreciate your interests and insights too @Appleblossom .

My grandmother was told she was almost a local when she'd lived in that country town more than 20 years. It takes time. I've identified 2 local meetup & knit groups and reached out but have felt diffident about turning up for. With 1 group I'm nervous of encountering someone who warned me off a local church for the heinous crime of not wearing a wedding ring hence having a suspicious lifestyle. My dentist has also criticised me for the absence of rings.

@NatureLover yes the nearest walkin mh clinics are a long way away and perusing their information suggests they're aimed at very limited demographics not the general public. One may be no longer operational. You have to click through several times to try to drill down to locations and hours. Very offputting.