@Dimity you actually remembered the plane crash just before we went into the Catholic home. Thank you.
I was very socially naieve in many ways too, for a long long time. Wallflower and used a lot.
Being triggered can happen from so many things, when talking about this difficult deep stuff. But never talking about it is no good either. I sense your intellect, and care and general respect. Mostly I have been really glad to know you, as I feel we have many similarities in personality. In interests and academic style and spiritual seeking. Also in exposure to CSA early. More so, than others online or in real life. Sometimes, I feel needy, and watch for your tags, you are special to me.
What fields did you study and work in?
It sounds as if your family were higher in their Expressed Negative Emotion than my nuclear family, but my extended family were not so great. I hope you can keep your housing secure.
6 kids is a lot in our generation. We had 5, (one never really returned from care or used our name), and one never went into care.
My memories of my grandmother are better too, though all mother's 8 siblings complained a lot about my grandparents when I was an adult. I guess we treasure the moments we believe are genuine and real, in a very flawed world.
I respect your experiences of hospitalisation and ECT.
I have only seen it from the outside, but from a position of genuine care, as a kid with parents, as a young adult with siblings, and as a mum. I would prefer they took me, but it hasnt worked out that way, yet. I tried a few times to be hospitalised when I was unwell, at various times throughout my life.
I am weirdly polite and compliant, though losing the politeness, and self control over my utterances. I said "s**t" at church today at morning coffee, when a lady told me who she was. lol SHe had been complimenting my organ playing and then I learned she was daughter of a church member so I knew she was the AMEB music examiner. So I guess she was being nice, but she was also being genuine. I made booboos, but plow on well enough for a church service. I played Bist Du Bei Mir as voluntary. I was so high in self doubt early in the morning, I was not sure whether I should resign from the organ role.
I am not a good comedian but trying to expand myself, for both possible writing, relationships and socialising, and just learning to laugh more. The comedy workshop was free and enpointe, by a great arts organisation for people with mental health issues. So I signed up. I was mostly stunned bunny yesterday at the workshop. Brain not doing much, but the facilitator was experienced and sensitive.
At morning coffee, today, I was able to laugh and interact, banter and converse and make the 2 people i was with, genuinely laugh. Both are middle aged males and coming around for music sessions, one in voice, one on guitar.
A win at church, after 5 years, I am treated mostly with respect though there have been interpersonal hurdles there dont worry. but people are trying to make me feel valued. At the church, the other organist saw me as a threat at first. I idiotically told her I was on NDIS, and she was mean but I fought to stay and learned to crack jokes rather than being so serious, and somehow turned the hardcore old guard round. Cos it is easier to share responsibilities, than shoulder them all. Today, I also expressed my vulnerability there, but briefly, it was respected and we moved on. So owning my whole self.
However later in the day I had to relate with the badly behaved psychiatrist. I couldnt manage it discreetly, so my pain dribbled out. Not sure, if its going to mean I will need to leave that group. I am highly labile, from laughing to very tortured and suicidal a couple hours later. I guess I expressed my negative emotion. I am trying not to flip out.
I wish the badly behaved shrink didnt get under my skin so much.
It would be lovely if it could also turn around in the recorder group. Not presuming or sure though.
That was my day.
Hope you and @NatureLover are alright.
