Estranged from family

That should read 10 mins or so later. Sorry.

Hi @Isla. Welcome back. I'm similar in many ways to Change123. My parents were exactly identical to hers too. My decision to 'divorce' my parents eventually came about through my own divorce and not being allowed to take my kids with me when I left my first hubby. My parents very cruelly told me I couldn't take care of myself, much less my kids. Trying to please everyone except you, causes immense grief as you tend to 'lose' your identity in the process. I have a volunteer job which has really given me back my sense of worth. We do recognize MI in our job and frequently have courses which enable us to recognize MI in others. I originally contacted beyond blue as Sane was not available. Through BB I met a guy who helped me work through my depression and also helped me realize my toxic family and my ex and his family had added to my depression. I still enjoy a close personal relationship with this guy, but I recognize my insecurities and accept them. My male sibling (I presume) still lives, but, to me, he is dead. My parents are actually deceased. I am now happier and more contented than I've ever been because I have no obligations towards anyone. I do enjoy a close relationship with my kids. Even if my parents were still alive, I would be extremely hesitant about contacting them. Accepting yourself is the first step towards establishing a relationship with yourself. Being comfortable and happy with yourself also involves hard work. If you want to volunteer in order to gain confidence, have a think about the sort of volunteer work you might enjoy. Either that or see about enrolling in something as a stepping stone for your future. C'link can get you into an employment agency which can also help you with finding a job. However, as Change mentioned, be aware of your limitations re: work and don't overcommit till you're confident. Small steps lead to giant strides.

Thanks for the useful tips they're much appreciated but what's MI?

I've disclosed personal issues to friends in the past only to be sorry I had. Friends (usually) try to be understanding but sometimes it ends up being a 'conversation', explaining myself and why their suggestions won't work. Which is why I thought I would try Sane and hopefully connect to with other people who have similar lived experiences.

Hearing your family stories makes me feel there's an automatic understanding, we really 'get' one another.

I hear you when you mention your family not phoning you for 6 years, for me it's been something like 20 for one sibling and I don't remember when I received a card last.

I guess it's one day at a time and learning to be kind to yourself.

MI = Mental Illness (inc depression) 🙂

Hi, I understand feeling alone. My family have never really been there for me, I was always going the extra mile to stay in touch, and when my daughter died I needed the but had little to give and fell away. In my grief I spoke direct to my sister and was too depressive for her tollerence, so she's ignored me for almost 5yrs now. Mother lies, plays us off in each other, and dad has dementia, so I am limiting contact there, they need help but I don't need the abuse. I have 4brothers, two youngest have paranoid schizophrenia, the other two, well let's just say they're hopeless. I lost the plot when my 13yo died suddenly, in and out of hospital, not one of the came to visit me, or have bothered since. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am on my own now, but also, that really, I always have been - they just tolerated me, not love, like I felt for them. I have to keep myself afloat. If they come looking me up one day, I'm open hut I'm done flogging dead horses.

So, what do we do since nine of us are meant to be alone?

My good forum friend here, @Faith-and-Hope, introduced me to the concept of

'F R I E N D. F A M I L Y'

Now I'm learning that I get a say in who my family is, and invest more into those relationships with mutual positive exchanges.

Yes, I muss my biological family solo much too, but I moved away to escape the snares but 'out of sight out of mind' we have all grown apart.

Even the holy bible says in proverbs:
"Better a friend close by
than a brother far away"
And I don't think that refers just to physical distance - but also emotional distance. If you don't feel close - ya not close. Any relationship needs to be two sided to work.

Of cause making friends takes work, mixing g in common interest groups, getting out of the house, taking an interest in others, interacting... I find about one in 10 people reciprocate in some way, its hard work but persevere.

A lot of people have online friends, Luke this forum. I've been here since March and I'm amazed the difference its made tot self worth / esteem and confidence. Better still, u don't have to but up with abusers so I'm not alone, I'm letting them go because others have given me the strength to.

Part of letting go and not being so hurt by my estranged family is to - forgive them. Imagine them in front of you and say

I forgive you, go in peace and so will I"

Hi Decadian thank you for sharing, I also have chronic pain mainly from my neck so I know what you're going through.

Your distinction between suggestions and advice isinteresting. People can offer advice but it can lead to a repeatedly frustrating explanation of why 'it won't work for you'.

I try to remember to be kind to myself and tell myself things could be worse.

However I really do get the frustration that comes with ongoing pain.

Hi @Isla. I can relate to the frustration of constant advise on 'what worked for me' etc. Everyone is different. I sort of used to 'switch off' when well-meaning people would try to offer advice. I think another way of looking at it, when some 'advises' you that 'it worked for me', perhaps you could try saying, 'congrats, that's great - for you'. However, you are not me and each situation has to be looked differently. This way, if people do get 'huffy' you needn't feel as though you said the wrong thing. I also find often there could be a grain of usefulness in each suggestion/advice given. Take what applies to you and think about whether it could work. I am sorry for your constant pain, I am not going to suggest anything as I am not a Dr/chiropractor. Only you know the best course of action for you.

Thanks for your replies. I'm still getting used to this site, it would be good if there was a reply option below each new person rather than at the end of the thread. I find it tricky to reply to one person and scrolling up and down.