Estranged from family

Hi @Isla

I understand what you are saying - I truly do - I wondered for a moment if I had written your post in my sleep because it is so much like my own situation

btw - you are not alone - there are others here who are estranged - we understand

How do you - or we - deal with this - I don't know. I like to be sensitive - I can see and feel things that my Toxic Sister - referred to here as TS - could never see or know or feel and I would so much rather be me

And it is a terrible and lonely feeling not just to be left out - but ostracised for something you most likely have no idea about -

I see a therapist who is helping me out here - and I am beginning to see that I never caused what happened - there was more than one toxic person and one toxic situation and thinking what happened to places where there was an atomic event one can only know that terrible damage takes place

How do deal with this? I really don't know - but my thought is that we can only build ourselves up and learn to find our own celebrations - and this is so hard

And really - do you want to be around people who treat you so badly?

We are your new Forum Family and we already care about you

Welcome to the Website - the people here understand -

Decadian

Hi @Isla,

it sounds like this disconnect from your family is a long standing thing, is that right? It is hard with families, we are born into them but that doesnt necessarily mean that we fit into them.

For many people their families are actualy their friends - they are 'families of choice' which can be much healthier than other relationships which just dont work

I say this as i am not sure if there is a way to not be triggered but perhaps others have other ideas?

So on that note

Welcome to the Sane Forums! regular members become very close sharing both personal stories and pain, as well as joyful ones and general chatter about coffee or their day. Perhaps by coming on here you can start creating (or expand) your your family of choice by including some of us

there are many threads that target these different areas such as The Beer Garden Friday Feast Sunday funday and Feeling Isolated i hope that you find the foums welcoming 🙂

family is an interesting thing some are very close some are extremely seperate, most are parentally centered, I see my family very sporadically. As for being excluded like you mentioned that does seem very odd, is there a significant distance issue? Of course if there is no extenuating circumstances then it seems like are very cold blooded action on their part, not getting upset is not going to be easy these are people that should have your back and they have turned away it does happen that the upset does fade somewhat but that comes with a lot of distrust, cynicism, and pain, try talking to whichever you are or we're closest too try to find out what the reason is

Hi @Isla

I have been estranged from my parents and siblings (except for one) for quite a few years now. After telling them that i was sexually abused as a child.

I can relate to your story so much, and like @Decadian we understand what it's like to not have family close by to share our journey, the ups and downs.

I am also a very sensitive person with BPD and depressoin and struggle so much.

But i know that i have a 'cyber family' right here on this forum. They have picked me up when i am fallen down, felt so not worth living. We are all here for you. xxoo

Hi @Isla

I'm in the same situation but I was the one that initiated it. My father was an alcoholic and abusive, my mother just enabled him and when ever I would go crying to her the response was " but he is your father" and so would my grandparents. They screwed up my life so much, I only started to really live and start to deal with myself once I took that toxicity out of my life. I made this decision because not only was my whole family enablers and abusive but I tried to have a talk with my mother when she phoned and really tried to tell her my feelings. She wouldnt listen or even let me finish just started yelling and screaming so I hung up and decided they need to be out of my life!

I get triggered about families etc but its not because I want THIS family back I know now that I'm greiving for the family I NEVER HAD! The feeling of being loved and wanted within a family and all those good things but I will never go back to this family as it would just do my head in completely and they are not worth that - I know now I deserved so much more.

Do what makes you feel happy, they might not like it but its your life and your happiness. On thing my partner said that made me think when I was older and still being physically abused by my father - " ok they say he is your father BUT YOU ARE HIS DAUGHTER WHATS HIS EXCUSE! This is entirely true I spent my whole life trying to make them happy never accomplished it and then I realised by the way they treated me, they had no respect for my feelings so why should I care what they think of me and thats been a bit liberating as I dont feel so guilty. I know you havent made the choice with your sisters but its similar in the way tht my family has not even tried to phone me for the last 6 years so if I do think about it does hurt but again only because I expect them to be like a " normal supporting family" which they are not.

To do with work there is a recent thread somehere here of what coping strategies I do for work but basically here is some:

1. Dont tell them about the MI - you cant trust all employers I know I'm a HR Manager - there is discrimmination
2. if stressed play relaxing music in my office to calm me down like pink floyd or john butler etc
3. go for a walk at lunch to work off stress
4. if I have a melt down I will go to the loo and get it out of my system and do breathing excercises
5. Just focus on work - use it as a distraction from my own stresses
6. Alwasy vent and post on here, this has been a great venting outlet for me

by the way moderators just wanted to say that it made me change the phrase "contct me" just wondering why that is a bad phrase? should be an "a" after cont.act wont let me have it there?

Thanks

Hi @Change123

I had to initiate and isolate from my family too - other people enabled my mother's co-dependency and "she could not be upset" - it's a long story but yes - I was better off without them - I still am

We are not encouraged to share anything private about ourselves here - which protects everyone - so we don't use names and we refer to family members with code - eg dd - ss - daughter, sister

And we do not exchange personal info - eg e-addies or any similar info - so we would probably get red ighted with c'tact if it was the whole word

People share very sensitive info here - and so we are all kept safe by the anonymity of this forum

It's great to have you here @Change123

Dec

Hi @Change123 to answer your question - certain key words are automatically flagged/blocked. If it doesn't allow you to post, you can assume this is a blocked word/phrase. In this instance, I think the reason would be around protecting anonymity of members, ensuring they do not post personal contact details that might give away their identity etc. Hope that makes sense.