New Thread - Hams 2.0

I am now endeavouring to rid myself of all the toxic thoughts I have had around my relationship and around my life and around work.

For some time I have been struggling with toxic ideas in my mind about my partner. She has consistently been here for me. Particularly when I'm sick. Like right now. If it takes a bout of tonsilitis to realise this then so be it.

The toxically masculine has been at play in my mind and heart for too long. I've achieved. For that I am content to say come what may. No more bs. No more fear. I want to live free and love free. So I chose to do so now.

There have been many negative influences

Those negative influences have come from family and are follows:

Being spoken down to from either parent in my formative years

Being told I wasn't good enough to get into medicine when i was at school

Being told I wasn't good enough to go to a particular university

BEing told that I should've kept my old job in government in Feb 2022

Being told that I should not leave my current job back in Oct/Nov 2022

That I needed their approval for my life choices

That because they love me, I must do whatever it is that they say

Overbearing mother and father

Dissolution with feelings about what my dad was doing on a gay app (which i confronted him about last year)



Talking about these things has helped me see a bit more light.

I now see myself as an individual. Complete in my own way. Capable of making the choices that I want to make.

These things I have listed above contributed to a sense of insecurity and lower self worth where I was constantly questioning my relationship. Constantly questioning her intentions.

This realisation has lifted itself from me and I feel a bit better. Atm I have a bad case of tonsilitis but i'm also quite lethargic too. The penicilin is doing its job at least.

A lot has changed around me for the past several months. For the good and some is just a huge challenge.

Maybe I am aging too. Getting closer to 30 and all that.

Today I applied to uni again - masters course - have to send off another for another course elsewhere. Was happy that I did it.

As for work - well the expected change won't be until September. So I have time to decide if I can continue.

Tomorrow I am also nervous as my partner was saying there were things on her mind and heart - and my worst case scenario mind jumped straight to a conclusion and told me that she was going to dump me. Why that comes up? insecurity. Like I just indicated, which was possibly fostered around those experiences from childhood.

Anyway. I'm quite tired.

thanks @Owlunar
good to see you around
but i do hope your shoulder is okay too

the power of telling others to bugger off hey?

@Owlunar

haha