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Acedia

Kyle1Senior Contributor08 May 2023, 7:14 am AEST

Acedia

When I first looked at the etymology of 'depression' I thought: gardening. As a self sufficient food grower, it makes sense: you press the seed down (into darkness), let it break free from there... Some rain. Some sun. Await the harvest...

As I consider the word today, I think Abiram, and Korah, and honeycomb geology - where the earth itself is undermined with hollows and caverns that ultimately become sink holes...

It feels like I could be a seed pressed down into one of those. A witless seed inside a sink hole.

And the cleverness in me says: "Great...then I shall have deep roots!"

But this space, yet, is a bottomless pit.

And the cleverness in me says:

"Great...then I shall be a wing-ed seed, and fly from here!"

But in this space there is, yet, no wind.

"Then I shall go on plummeting 'til I reach the mantle of the earth, and in the molten fires will I burn"

And the cleverness in me says:

"Great...then I shall become the phoenix at last!"

But in this space there is, yet, time. It is a boa constrictor. Wrapping a fawn that ate the seed that lives and dies in darkness.

55 replies

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In response to: Acedia

Kyle1Senior Contributor13 May 2023, 10:21 am AEST

Re: Acedia

maybe that's something @Historylover you'd like to look forward to...? Plan a weekend or so to the Huon Valley.

In response to: Re: Acedia

HistoryloverSenior Contributor13 May 2023, 10:39 am AEST

Re: Acedia

That would be lovely, @Kyle1, but to be honest, I just can't do things on my own anymore. It just makes me more attuned to my situation.

I hope your book keeps you well occupied over the weekend. It sounds like something you should be able to focus on!

In response to: Acedia

creative_writerSenior Contributor13 May 2023, 11:09 am AEST

Re: Acedia

@Kyle1, I hope you enjoy the book of Rumi poetry. I am making really slow progress, intrusive thoughts are making too much background noise. Then I suppose healing f***ing hurts.

I haven't got much planned, will have lunch a bit later and might watch a bit of tv with that. I believe I also have an Arabic reading class. Do you have plans for today?

In response to: Re: Acedia

Kyle1Senior Contributor13 May 2023, 11:14 am AEST

Re: Acedia

yes, healing can hurt @creative_writer

Sometimes it's as if our first shock of air is the wound, and life ever after the painful recovery...

I haven't much planned outside of laundry. There are school uniforms to hang on the line. Oh, and I've planned to day dream, and imagineer the hours away. And where that will lead this afternoon, I don't yet know.

In response to: Re: Acedia

creative_writerSenior Contributor13 May 2023, 12:06 pm AEST

Re: Acedia

@Kyle1, my brain is incredibly strange. I had my meds adjusted and started feeling more stable, but then my brain sort of started processing things. Like I haven't de-stabilised to the point of SI and SH at least, nor do I have urges, but processing is still hard work

I hope laundry goes okay and daydreaming leads you to a faraway blissful land. I reckon you should take it as it comes if you don't have much you have to get done

In response to: Re: Acedia

Kyle1Senior Contributor13 May 2023, 12:16 pm AEST

Re: Acedia

a friend of mine @creative_writer said this to me the other day. I've heard the meaning expressed in different ways before, but I really like this one:

"You can catch the wave, but you've got to take yourself to the beach!"

In response to: Re: Acedia

creative_writerSenior Contributor13 May 2023, 12:34 pm AEST

Re: Acedia

@Kyle1, do you ever feel that different versions of yourself argue with each other? I feel like different versions of me go into conflict with each other pretty regularly. I could probably write a story about it

In response to: Re: Acedia

Kyle1Senior Contributor13 May 2023, 12:52 pm AEST

Re: Acedia

yes @creative_writer Sort of...

For me, I'm not sure I can go so far as to describe them as different versions of myself, though. For I recognise I have differing thoughts that can put me at loggerheads with myself. And I recognise that I can have different moods, and feelings that can do the same... But myself, I think, is not splintered enough to qualify as different versions. Even in times of feeling utterly lost, and out of touch with myself, 'me' is still there...somewhere.

Does that make sense?

I suppose what I'm describing is simply different facettes of the same self. Much like a gemstone has this facet and that one, but they all reveal the same jewel.

Is that how it is for you?

In response to: Re: Acedia

creative_writerSenior Contributor13 May 2023, 3:03 pm AEST

Re: Acedia

@Kyle1, there is this young hurt child in me who blames herself for all the pain, she wants love but doesn't accept it at the same time because she feels like there is something wrong with her. Then there is this adult in me who is more nurturing and tries to comfort the child, but the child won't accept that love or validation, the adult tells the child it's not her fault that she has been hurt so many times, that it is not her fault that she struggles with MH and that she deserves to feel loved and cared for. The adult and child struggle to reconcile their differences

In response to: Re: Acedia

Kyle1Senior Contributor13 May 2023, 3:22 pm AEST

Re: Acedia

I see @creative_writer

...

I went through that kind of exploration with my counsellor last week... She asked, how will/do I resolve that kind of blame game with myself?

I figured, after great deliberation, that there is no resolving it. There is only now, and now is forever an opportunity to not have it repeat...

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