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On the outside looking in

KurraSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 5:08 pm AEDT

On the outside looking in

This sounds weird because it is. Having spent the last month adapting to longer hours and a much heavier workload I found it necessary to look after me before attending to the needs of others.

This has not been a result of my being unwell but my way of remaining well. However it seems to have backfired on me, particularly in relation to my attempts to re-engage with the forum. I'm clearly blowing this situation completely out of proportion however it has been troubling me since Friday night. I wasn't going to say anything but since my feelings of disquiet have continued unabated it's obviously important to give these feelings a voice.

This afternoon I've finally caught up with all the posts but found myself not bothering to reply to any because it seemed that there wasn't much point.

I realise that these are feelings only and not reality but it seems as if I don't particularly belong here. Perhaps I never have because I am no longer experiencing active episodes. At this time you could say that I've recovered. Whether this will become a permanent state of affairs or not only time will tell. I was even thinking that I'm being punished because I am well.

Yes this is really stupid thinking but it doesn't make it any less real.

16 replies

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In response to: On the outside looking in

AppleblossomSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 8:50 pm AEDT

Re: On the outside looking in

Dear @Kurra I would, and I am sure many others would miss you.

I am used to be on the outside looking in and moving in from the edges and rarely feel centre, or comfortable being centre, and so then feel better skating around the edges again, but still being part .. of something bigger than me.

You have given a great deal of sage advice, earthy humor, and shared personal pain. I felt connected by our interest in music and down to earth sides. They are 2 aspects that are not always in the same person, so that you were like that really helped me , instead of feeling split apart.

I cant reply to every post, but it does matter that the posts are heard, and that somebody responds. but not necessarily every one as a personal obligation.

I am glad that you are happy with your hours and work challenges.

Chhers Apple

In response to: On the outside looking in

KurraSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 9:02 pm AEDT

Re: On the outside looking in

Thank you @Appleblossom. It does make a difference to know that I've been heard. I've been blessed that I have been able to continue working because it really does make a difference to how I view my value -the value that comes from others and from myself. In one way or another each and every one of us needs to be needed.
I'm pleased you're starting to improve. It's a slow process more often than not but I always get very suspicious if changes happen too quickly.
Do take care and again thanks for your response. Hugzzz 💕 🎶

In response to: On the outside looking in

Unknown userMember07 Nov 2016, 9:12 pm AEDT

Re: On the outside looking in

Hi @Kurra

I would miss you if you weren't on the forums anymore. You are the life of the party.

Sorry that you feel that you don't belong on here, I often still feel that too.

I wasn't going to comment on anything on the forum today, because I am having such a terrible day, but I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate your input on the forums and hope that you will continue to be involved.

Sorry, I'm just not feeling myself at all today/tonight, but will chat another day when I'm feeling a bit better. Last week I had a break from the forums for a few days or so.

Glad you are enjoying your new job, you sound super busy.

Hugs to you, Kurra. xoxoxo

Hi @Appleblossom I still often feel like an outsider on here, but I just hop in there and comment anyway. Some days I can't, it depends if I have the energy to or not. xoxo

In response to: Re: On the outside looking in

AppleblossomSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 9:16 pm AEDT

Re: On the outside looking in

Work definitely has many advantages than just being paid.

Its often a huge part of identity.

Because I left the "structured" workplace 30 years ago I have had to be creative and think outside the box about my work.

Also when being in community, I find it a shifting feeling. The forums get busy and people find themselves posting in different roles. I enjoy watching all that, without necessarily participating.

Maybe it feels natural as I had the orphanage experience, but when I was actually in them. I barely said "boo".

In response to: On the outside looking in

KurraSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 9:19 pm AEDT

Re: On the outside looking in

I am super busy @Former-Member but that is one of the main things that helps me atay well. If I'm busy I don't have nearly as much time to think too much about me.

I've even managed to indulge in some self care which is almost unheard of for me. In the last fortnight I have had a pedicure and a manicure for the first time ever. I actually now have fingernails that look decent! 🎶💕

In response to: Re: On the outside looking in

QueenieSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 9:24 pm AEDT

Re: On the outside looking in

@Kurra I would definitely miss you if you weren't around on the forums anymore.

I often feel like I am on the outside looking in, but from a different perspective. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, even here. I feel like I am too unwell to be able to properly relate to others. I know in RL, that is certainly the case it seems, as I have few friends in reality.

Please know that I for one always respect the advice and insight you have into lived experience when replying to posts.

In response to: On the outside looking in

KurraSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 9:28 pm AEDT

Re: On the outside looking in

I agree with you @Appleblossom about the advantages of work being more than a monetary one. My work is not my identity except when I'm working professionally with music. Music is my all. My other work though provides me with social interaction which is important for me. Without this I could easily cease to mix with the wider community. This is why I have always forced myself to remain involved with volunteering too. I eventually realised that nothing would change until I decided that it had to be Let it Begin with Me. 🎶💕

In response to: Re: On the outside looking in

Unknown userMember07 Nov 2016, 9:37 pm AEDT

Re: On the outside looking in

@Kurra, just wanted to say I appreciate you being around. quite a few times you've made me feel better when I've been down.
I hang out on the periphery here, and if I'm not logged in, I don't read the posts. I wouldn't be able to keep up if I tried. And I feel I miss an awful lot of what other people say - interpreting what they say I mean.
I think it's good if the forums take a back seat, we're always going to be here when you have enough time and energy to join in.

In response to: On the outside looking in

KurraSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 9:44 pm AEDT

Re: On the outside looking in

I'm sure you're aware @Queenie that there are times when our heads tell us a whole lot of codswallop. Mine certainly has been busy in this way over the last few days.

There's a big difference between friends and acquaintances Queenie. Most people have few friends - those salt of the earth people who will drop everything to be by your side through thick and thin.
Then of course there are those fair weather friends who will be there during the good times and who will take heaps but give little to the ?friendship?
And those who are acquaintances - the ones who are friendly enough to chat with but who really don't care about you the real person.

Treasure those who really are friends. The others well. . . .. 💕🎶

In response to: Re: On the outside looking in

QueenieSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 9:47 pm AEDT

Re: On the outside looking in

How right you are @Kurra!

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