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I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 4:47 pm AEDT

I'm back

Hi @NikNik @pip @Decadian@utopia@Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@Shaz51@Former-Member @CherryBomb @Silenus moderators and friends

I knew i wouldn't last!! I need you all. who was i kidding. Hubby and I went camping for 4 days and we argued so much about how to put the tent up, which post to use, wrong post, right post, etc etc etc

I couldn't read my book that i bought because he kept talking to me. At the end i gave up. We did walk around the perimeter of the caravan park which took 1/2 hour (huge park). I managed to swim which that gave me some peace and quiet for a little while.

We just snapped at each other most of the time. And when we didn't snap we sat and hardly spoke. he is the type of guy that doesn't say much but i noticed even in the car driving up (3.5 hours) he wouldn't start a conversation. So i just looked up facebook and read the paper, or fell asleep.

The weather was beautiful (25-30 every day). But i realised that i need space to myself. We are home now and he is washing the car, I have just put a load of washing on. the kids survived without us and actually not even keen to see us 😞

My mental state is not that great. The CAT team rang me on saturday to make sure i was okay and asked about my sleeping. The psych i saw gave me some sleeping tablet but i am still adjusting and don't like the drowsiness it causes the next day. I did call them again on sunday afternoon but they had to transfer me to the place that i went to and i sadi no don't worry as hubby was coming back to me anytime and i couldn't speak while he was there.

I have an appt tomorrow to see the CAT team psych again, i also have an appt to see my own psych in the afternoon. it will be interesting to see what he has to say abut me seeing the CAT tem psych.

I knew i wouldn't last being off here, i just needed to tell someone about my weekend. And as for intimacy and sex - well there is none. And it's prob my fault because i told him last time in hospital back in July that i wasn't interested. which is still true but i am sure he would like to.

I feel like a failure for not being able to stay away from this forum, i always have good intentions, set myself a goal but never go through with it. that's where i see myself as a huge failure.

anyway, just thought i would say hi to everyone and that i have missed you all even though it's not even a week. how patethic is that.

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In response to: I'm back

utopiaSenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 6:24 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay. I'm glad you had the two psych appointments today. Your psych actually listened to you better today. That's brilliant. The CAT psych - what did he/she say? How did you feel with them? Comfortable?
I think you should stay with this CAT group for a while - utilise their free services while you can. Psych nurses can be great to talk matters through with. And then - they may be able to recommend a psychologist who bulk bills only. They would have a list of suitable psychologists and what field they specialise in.
Up your kids board. You are a family - & whenthe parents sstruggle financially - the working kids need to contribute more.
Christmas will be another tough one for my son and I again this year. 3rd Christmas in a row on WorkCover. 80% of a 3 day income - I struggle to pay the mortgage and the bills. I buy for my mum, my sister and my son. My brother and his wife and their kids & my Aunties and Uncles etc get nothing. I just can't afford it. But they don't mind. They'd rather my company and ro know my boy and Iare well - than any ppresent.
So be kind to yourself. Take the pressure off the financial side this year.

In response to: Re: I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 7:32 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hi @Appleblossom @Change123 @utopia

Thanks for your replies. OMG i stuffed up things today - all because of my damn anger and inpulsiveness.

I emailede my old therapist and told him that i want to cancel my appt with him this coming thursday. i also told him that i was angry at his comments to me on the phone earlier.

he replied back and said fine, and that i wasn't thinking properly and not being in my 'wise mind'. he then wished me well in my journey and thanked me for having him as my therapist.

I then felt so bad for cancelling my session and ending it like this so i called him and left a message. he called bafck just a few minutes ago and said yes i can go to the appt, he hadn't booked anyone else yet.

i feel like a real stupid idiot for my actions. i have been upset and still am. i was also thinking just before that maybe i should call the CAT team tomorrow morning where i went to see the psych and ask if they know of any psychologists who bulk bill.

i am so mentally exhausted i can't even think straight.

As for Christmas - well i don't know yet what we are doiong. i am crying because i can't think that far at the moemnt. but i do know that it's not far away. but i do know that kids will get very little this year. they do understand. as long as we are altogether, that's the main thing.

@utopia i do like this CAT team psych, he is very caring, calm and i must say a gorgeous looking guy!!!! LOL

And it is free, something I need at the moment. But i did find it a bit strange, the psych has a mental health clinician (nurse) in the room as well. And i noticed the nurse kept looking at me (he was prob watching my body language) which wasn't good, pinching my skin, looking down no eye contact at all, sobbing.

Tonight I feel nothing, after all the emotion from this morning to this afternoon - i have had it.

In response to: I'm back

utopiaSenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 8:00 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay. They normally do have a psych nurse go into the appointment with you and the CAT psych. Yes, they mark everything down. But even your psych does the same. He just might do it after you leave. It's all part of the assessment. Body language, tone of voice, body tics or other signs of anxiety. It's not a negative. It's all about diagnosis & working out what's the best treatment from this point forward. All perfectly normal.
I'm glad you still have your psychologist appointment for this week.
Don't dwell on what happened before. He was still happy to see you. Just focus on now.
This is just a hickup in your therapy and good health. It won't last forever - although it may feel like that.
You will soon have your positive moments back.

In response to: Re: I'm back

AppleblossomSenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 8:21 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay Glad you have your appointment back. It will give you something to discuss and work on with him. Impulsiveness, therapy, cost, wise mind; they are all part of coming to understand ourselves. In understanding ourselves we are more likely to make the best decisions.

@utopia gives great advice, tho I dont how long the CAT team will be around. For me they have never been around for longer than a fortnight.

Maybe you can think of a theme to celebrate how far your family has come together .. and look back at past christmases .. and see how little they were and how they have grown ... and pressies grown .. and yes you said it .. its most important to be all together .. dont stress too much .. keep it simple. As mums saometimes its hard to see how big they actually are .. now .. after all the years of pouring time and love into them.

Take care

In response to: I'm back

utopiaSenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 8:45 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@Appleblossom. The CAT group I worked with had a number of long term clients - mainly BPD clients & some clients on regular depot injections.
Others generally would be with us for 2 to 6 weeks before passing on to their gp and private psychologist.
Unfortunately, there just isn't enough money for better and longer support. We desperately need the Government's to spend more money in this area.
I'm sorry you only had such a tiny period of support through CAT. What or where did you go after that? Your own psycholigist and/or psychiatrist.

In response to: I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 8:46 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

I'm sorry everyone I'm feeling like I want to do something to myself to end it all. It's just too hard to keep going.

In response to: I'm back

utopiaSenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 8:56 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay. Call LifeLine or your CAT now. Talk it through with them.
I'll be here for you.

In response to: Re: I'm back

AppleblossomSenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 8:56 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay Inhale and exhale .. find something in your environment to bring you back to now ..

rise and fall ...

Maybe in a few days you will feel able to do a quick shop and deal with christmas shopping like you deal with work.

it usually feels like a cloud approaching for me too, but we can get through.

Thanks for giving me the broader picture about CAT teams @utopia. Yes just to doctor.

In response to: I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 9:46 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

No theres no point. I need a hug. I need to be loved not rejected
I hate myself my behaviour my life. I'm so screwed up @utopia.
I don't know what to do anymore.

In response to: I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 9:47 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

I don't know if I can get through this anymore @Appleblossom.

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