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I have spent the last 20 years of my life fighting to stay alive. I feel well for a couple of months, then I crash into a deep depression. I normally end up in hospital for a while, before having another period of being OK. I will then repeat the cycle, over and over again. I have had enough, I can't go on like this any longer. I now homeschool my daughter and I can't let her down. Her whole life I have failed her and my son. They have had to watch me go through the cycle of ups and downs. It has been so hard for them. Now my daughter needs me to be there for her and I believed I could. I thought that if I was determined and focused on staying well, that I could do it. The problem is that I can feel myself going down very rapidly and I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I can't seem to be able to get hold of it. I am feeling so alone, like I am the only person in the world. I know that sounds so selfish but I just feel so empty. What can I do? I'm so scared
have been thinking of you all morning , hope you are ok
In response to: Im scared
Angel80Senior Contributor
Re: Im scared
What a couple of days. I took myself to ED, waited 6 hours without anyone even asking me if I was OK. Finally saw someone, there were only high dependency beds available so I went there. It was horrible! Tried to stick it out as best as I could. Then last night they came in my room and woke me. they said that there was an urgent situation and they needed my bed so I was to be transferred to another hospital an hour away. I refused and said that I would rather go home. So at 11 pm they got me to call mum to come and get me. Then they threw everything in my bag, took me outside (still in my pyjamas) and told me to sit on a seat in the carpark, in the dark, and alone to wait for mum to arrive. I was shocked! All they cared about waste urgent patient....not me. On top of that they gave me the wrong persons medication to take home. So I am at mums now but have got a bed ready for me at the place I wanted to go. They care about you there, and will do anything to help you out. So for the next few weeks that is where I will be. The good news is that it is a private hospital so I can take my phone with my and still talk to you guys. You have all been my rock over the last couple of weeks and I wouldn't be here without you. I would love to continue our chats. Wish me luck tomorrow. 😇
In response to: Re: Im scared
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: Im scared
Wow @Angel80 .... that's terrible .... obviously the staff there are worn down to the point of having lost all compassion and care about what they doing ... that's really sad .... and so hard on you !! I am really shocked for you !!
So glad you can take your phone to the new place, and we look forward to hearing more about how you're getting on ....
Well done you, taking up the self-care and support-care you need .... WTG @Angel80 .... ❤️🤗
In response to: Im scared
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Im scared
@Angel80. I'm so sorry and sickened by your treatment - unfortunately though I'm not surprised. It's an awful way to treat a human being - let alone someone in crisis. I'm glad you are heading to the private clinic now. Yes you will be treated with dignity there and get the support and treatment you need. You have been amazingly strong to get through these last days. Now is time for you to be looked after. I'm thinking of you.
In response to: Re: Im scared
ShimmerSenior Contributor
Re: Im scared
Hi @Angel80
I'm also shocked to hear about your experience in hospital over the last couple of days.
It's great that you have organised to now go to the private hospital where you feel cared for
Good luck tomorrow!
In response to: Re: Im scared
MadroosterContributor
Re: Im scared
Hi @Angel80 - How was your night last night? Have you settled into your new surroundings and are they treating you well?
Really sorry to hear how you were treated in the ER - there are no excuses. I have to say though, that when I have taken my daughter to the ER where we live, they have never been anything except magnificent.
Hope you're able to get some sleep and allow yourself time to indulge yourself - you are so worth it!
In response to: Im scared
Angel80Senior Contributor
Re: Im scared
Well here I am, in hospital again. But this time it's in the private hospital that I normally go to. Everyone knows me here, they listen to me and treat me with respect. It's a big change from where I was a week ago. Thanks once again for everyone's support over the last couple of weeks. You helped to get me through, and now I'm receiving the treatment that I need. I saw my psychiatrist and he wants me to have ECT again. I have had it a lot, the last time was in June. It works really well, I get better quickly and there is normally a huge improvement. I don't like having it though, that's the problem. But when I think about it I know that it's the best option for me. So I start on Friday. I had the blood test, ECG, chest X-ray etc today so I'm ready to go. It means that I may be in here a bit longer than planned but I can't stay like this any longer. Even in here I'm crying heaps, wanting to make a run for it, not sleeping and having racing thoughts. I feel terrible. Hopefully that will have changed in a couple of weeks. If you guys don't mind, I would love to keep in touch. I've found that your messages give me hope and keep me grounded no matter how bad I feel. I really look forward to them. Take care everyone and thank you. 😇
In response to: Re: Im scared
Shaz51Senior Contributor
Re: Im scared
Hello @Angel80 xx
sending you tender hugs
we are here for you my friend
In response to: Im scared
KurraSenior Contributor
Re: Im scared
It's good to hear that you've transferred to the private hospital you like. Get better soon. Thinking of you 💕🎶
In response to: Im scared
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Im scared
@Angel80. This forum is for you to use - as you neex. Whether that be feedback or advice, a chance to vent, or simply connecting with new friends who understand. I'm so pleased you are now in a safe hospital where you will get the treatment that works for you. Tears can be a good release. Getting emotional issues up and out of your system & releasing pent up energy. It won't be long before you start to feel the benefits of your ECT. You may also find a huge benefit in participating in group therapy sessions and talking to other patients and nursing staff. I know this was beneficial for my jjourney towards recovery. Wishing you all the best. We won't leave you.
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