Close to throwing in the towel

When I feel like that I find it really helpful to call Lifeline or SANE or Beyond Blue. Other things that help me are to go for a long walk. Exercise is really good at lifting your mood. If it's a persistent thing (and it sounds like it is for you - it has been for me in the past too) - then you really need to start seeing a psychiatrist. I see mine fortnightly when I feel like that. Keeping busy in meaningful activity helps me. I started volunteering at my local neighbourhood centre. I needed help just as much as the people I was helping there. It really helped me feel better and useful.

Having a spiritual faith helps too. I'm a Buddhist though I grew up a Catholic.

Hang in there. Thinking of you. x

Hey @Jlol I hear you, it's a cruel situation but you said it, you have to try and find joy in the little things. I'm wondering if you have ever called a peer service, where people who have a lived experience can talk about it with you?

Peer care warm line

Alt2Su

Sitting with you. You are certainly not alone 💝

@Jlol wrote

Why do you and so many others insist there must be some magical, fairy-godmother like force keeping me/us going? You seem to place the problem squarely with me.

I don't know about other people - I am sure there is no magical, fairy-godmother like force about to reach down out of the ether and rescue you. I asked you what's kept you here so far and I also told you I don't ask questions unless I can deal with the answer.

So yes - the answer does land squarely on you. And you answered that it is cowardice and that's honest - I admire honesty - so when I say that's great - I mean it.

And a cup of coffee - favourite TV shows - jokes and chats with friends - all of these things - keep me going from day to day too - every day of my life I have severe pain and yet - this isn't as bad as my past - and I am glad for each day - whatever it brings - it's not always easy either.

I would like to hazard a guess that just about everyone on these forums lives in a dark time - or has been through it. I can think of few things worse than burying a child - and I have - for some time before he died and afterward, I had SI and know how terrible that mind-set it - I think I value myself too much to injure myself - and the journey has been worth it.

I can't speak for you - perhaps your story is darker than anyone else's - there is no way of comparing depression or chronic pain - the story is different for everyone alive - we have our journey - our story - and we live it until we die and it ceases. We do influence other people though and I figure if I have helped someone else along the way then it has been worthwhile.

So I am not suggesting you look for the sunshine and keep out of the shadows - enjoy your pets and live a fake life. Not at all - you have to find your way for yourself - and it is hard. I was lucky - I found a good psychologist - but he didn't rescue me - he made me work really hard to find myself in the shambles my life had become. I made a lot of changes - they were my choices.

I do care though. Ask yourself who would care if you ended your life? Whose life would you change. What about your friends you share jokes with and chat? Would you ask them what they thought?

I really care about you - it's all up to you though - all of this will pass - sometimes we have to sit in the rain and wait - and sometimes wait longer - even longer. It is a good time to learn about ourselves. I did.

I truly wish you the best - I really do.

Owlunar

Thanks for the reply Owlunar,

I guess there is something different about me. Right now I am at a cafe, drinking a nice warm cup of coffee on a bright, clear Saturday morning with the sunlight warming my skin. But I don't feel anything but dread and sadness. And I really don't know why. It's just there.

Nothing particularly bad has happened in my past. I would guess I'm a lot luckier than a lot of the people on this forum. My parents are great, I grew up with plenty of friends in a country town where it was great to be a kid. I did get bullied a hell of a lot at school and am now in an emotionally abusive relationship, but that's it.

I just don't know what it is - I just don't feel anything other than dread, fear and sadness and a I can't put my finger on why.

To answer your questions:

Ask yourself who would care if you ended your life?

Just my parents I guess.

What about your friends you share jokes with and chat?

I don't really have friends anymore. A combination of being in my late 30s where my school friends have either moved away, are busy raising kids or have drifted apart. Plus, being in a controlling relationship doesn't help (get in trouble if I attempt to see certain friends).

Would you ask them what they thought?

No definitely not. Have before and it's been disastrous.

Hi again @Jlol

I can't possibly know how you feel - everyone is unique after all -

I do know dread, fear and unbearable sadness - in my case I knew what caused this - it was the troubled life and suicidal death of my son - when I went from day to day wondering what the hell I was supposed to do and after the event - the terrible grief parents feel with the triple whammy. I am sure you don't want to do this to your parents.

I do hear you - and I feel for you. You seem to not know what's causing you to feel this way - and you say that being in a controlling relationship wouldn't help - I would say that is very likely to be a huge part of it.

So - what can you do? You have sought help and it hasn't been useful for you - and you deserve that help - you really do.

And - you need to get out of that relationship - you would quite probably need help to do that - do you know why you stay? - I understand it's pretty tough stuff to break up - having done this myself twice - it can be scary and devastating - you must ask yourself - "Do I go or do I stay?" - being an adult in your thirties means you are entitled to autonomy in certain areas - e.g. your friends - having a partner boss you about must be corrosive - still - you know your situation and reasons better than I do.

So - I am honest - I don't know what else to say - I can admit your situation is above my paygrade. I have experienced dread, fear and terrible sadness - I know the path out is only through - there are no easy answers - and I haven't given you one yet - only the tough ones.

You really need to seek help and maybe you need to share this with your parents - you know them - I don't - but as the parent of a suicidal child - he was only 16 - I wish he had talked about it - I already knew what was happening - he couldn't open up though.

You have though - you must have expected something when you first wrote here - and I haven't given you any shiny answers - no guardian angel - no rescue - just hard work and hard yards and more going back for help. This has already failed you - I get it - how do you make people listen? I'm not even telling you where to go for help - or a number to ring. I am just glad you reached out and I am not at all sorry I replied.

Don't shortchange your parents - they can be more resilient than you might imagine - and believe me - if you think telling them will be a bother to them - having you die senselessly is far worse.

From what you say your depression is not reactive depression - more likely something inside you - though I would be reacting to a controlling partner that's for sure.

All I am sure of it that it won't be easy - I was glad to read your answer today - I went away to think about it for a long time - it's worthy of deep thought - also - it's not a waste of my time either - your posts are something that keeps me writing in this forum - I only want to help - sometimes that means challenging someone - my challenge to you is to keep looking for help - you are truly worthwhile - however you feel about yourself

Cya

Owlunar

Thinking you are different and your situation can not be solved is the recipe for suicide. Feeling like there is no way out is the key issue that is a huge red flag for me.

I have felt like that twice. Once because of the situation I was in and once because I had severe chronic insomnia and thought there was no solution. One led to a suicide attempt, the other I was able to get help through sheer desperation and perseverance.

You need to identify what you don't like about life. What is making you feel this way. It may not be obvious but there will be a cause. It may be a medical one. I was once having a bad reaction to a medication I was on. It caused me anxiety and agitation. It was completely separate to any triggers and would last for days. It took a long time to figure it out and various mental health and medical experts didn't pick up on it. I had to work it out myself. Check the side effects for all your medications. Also any other medical possibilities I.e. Could you have a hormonal imbalance? Or a nutritional deficiency?

If you can't figure it out, start changing things. See what helps and what doesn't. Sometimes doing things we think are making the situation worse will actually help. For example, I was in a bad place. I couldn't get a job and then once I did, I couldn't cope due to insomnia and anxiety. I kept going got help with the insomnia and eventually the anxiety subsided. Working then pulled me out of my feeling of worthlessness and help me join society again. I never would have thought that was what I needed.

Make a list of things that are associated with times of particular difficulties. It might help and it won't hurt either way.