Close to throwing in the towel

@Jlol

I am really sorry that you are feeling this way. I would really encourage you to reach out to a crisis line for support. Although we are here to support our members unfortunately the Forums aren’t a counselling or crisis service so if you do need immediate support please reach out to one of the services below

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

I'm also going to send you an email.

Warmest wishes

Hanami

Hey @Jlol i amm not going to say any of those words to you , but i amm here sitting with you and saying you are not alone my friend

@Shaz51 @Jlol

Shaz is right. You are not alone, No one is meant to be, what seems overwhelming can be bourne if we can be heard and be supported in knowing this one fact. Keep communicating with support lines when needed but also on here. Keep talking we are listening.

Good on you @Former-Member - thank you for sharing this with us.

I used to feel very isolated in my BPD battle. I also used these forums to help me get back on track in my recovery.

I hope you find the forums as rewarding as I have. The forums have allowed me to feel more connected with the people and less lonely in my BPD battle.

Also, a little hint. When responding to others, you can tag them by typing "@" in front of their name. That way, they will receive a notification and can reply to you. e.g. @tyme

Look forward to hearing how things go for you!

Of course you are meant to live @Jlol - everyone is - and I do hear how tough it is for you.

Now and again I have asked people "RUOK" - with varied responses - sometimes people say they are - others have given me their time for a long conversation - and either is okay - I don't ask if I can't listen.

Perhaps the people you have sought out are just not up to what you need - and I admit there have been times when I have not been available for different reasons. So - it's most likely not you - it's just a bad moment.

You have had rotten luck though.

So - I have had two people very close to me end their lives and I wish they had talked about it - maybe I could have helped or maybe I could not have. Still - I wish I had the chance.

You are still here and you are still standing - perhaps towel in hand ready to go. Before you do - I must ask - what is keeping you here until now? There must be something - I do know how deeply life's circumstances are able to send us to the edge - I felt that a long time ago - I get that - I knew there had to be something better though - and there was - there still is.

Whatever it is that is keeping you here today - is important. There is no need to tell me about it - or anyone for that matter. You are welcome to though.

There's not much more to say - I do hear you and know despair - if you look at the people around you who maybe seem to be having a great time - that is the outside - we can never really know what is inside.

You have had to gather your courage together to write your post - that's a good thing

All the best - I hope to hear from you again.

Owlunar

Thank you @tyme . It's been a particularly rough 24 hours. I too feel like I just can't continue on like this as I'm having a bad impact on my son's own mental health. I feel really lost but I'm reading through the forum to try to find my way back. Right now, it is my life line. Thank you for connecting with me, it means alot.

You are welcome. There is a moderator online 24/7. @Former-Member You will never be alone here.

Thank you so much @tyme . I've already discovered some resources from being on here I'm going to follow up on tomorrow. I don't know if I mentioned it here, but, I relapsed into drinking ( sorry if I shouldn't mention that ). I'm going to sit in on an online AA meeting this morning. I rang the Directline yesterday and they gave me a number to call tomorrow. Then I'm going to see my GP to get a referral to Spectrum, it was mentioned here many times in the forum so I googled them. I haven't being getting therapy specific to my BPD, I've been getting therapy for childhood trauma. But, I need to directly address the BPD, I see that now. Any other advice you can share about what has worked for you would be so very welcome. I know I can't do this alone anymore. Thank you for your support. 🙏

Hi Owlunar,

Before you do - I must ask - what is keeping you here until now?

I don't want to die. I just don't want to live with this disease. What's keeping me here is pure cowardice.

The way I see it it's the same as any other disease. Take cancer for example. A person with terminal cancer doesn't want to die. But eventually (without the right help) it will destroy them.

I'm very sorry, but I'm going to be frank here: Why do you and so many others insist there must be some magical, fairy-godmother like force keeping me/us going? You seem to place the problem squarely with me. "If you believe in staying alive for the sake of your pets/family/job/whatever then you do have hope." Mate, I'd like to stay alive for heaps of less important things - the taste of coffee in the morning, a favourite TV show, a funny joke, etc. I see these things, I recognise them. But the thing that's "destroying" me - like cancer - has a mind of its own. It doesn't give a crap about my values or me as a person anymore then any other disease or virus does.

This is probably why I have so many psychologists quit on me. They seem to think that depression is a personality fault - a battle not within your brain but with your own ego or id. They seem to think of mental health as an unruly child that needs to be brought in line. I think that may be the case for some people, but for many others it's not.

For me it's almost a physical problem. I don't "think" depression, I "feel" it. Again, this is where traditional counselling like CBT fails. There are no "negative thoughts" to acknowledge and let go of. The feeling of depression and dread is just there, not attached to anything.

Am I the only one who experiences depression like this?