How do you find yourself?

Dear Wolfies,

Thanks for your post.Never forget that you are you, and you are different from every other person on the planet. You have a unique mind and spirit, and it is inevitable that some day you will meet someone who resonates with you. Many people have shared their stories with you. They are all different too.

Somewhere deep down inside there is a You which will continue to grow and mature as you go through life. I have watched this happen with my children, who are all in their twenties. Two of them have needed help - my oldest son sought counselling when he was at university, and my second son has been seeing a psychologist for two years. This is no big deal. It is only sensible to seek help and advice when you need it, whether from a counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist. In my family we respect the fact that we are all different individuals with different needs. Sometimes one of us goes through tough times, but we acknowledge this and know that the tough times will pass, and there is an exciting future ahead. There is an exciting future for you too, so hang in there and believe in yourself!

Ellu

Yes, 'finding yourself' is a very interesting topic. If you come up with any tactics to live with the experience please share as I never really did get any final understanding of what occurred with myself.

I think Erik Erikson argues that an extended identity crisis can be a sign of genius, so maybe that is a plus side to your experience?

Others say that modern identity crises are extended because we have more to find out about ourselves in the context of careers. e.g. we have more freedom to pursue multiple careers and thus have more things to consider.

I've always thought that identity crises may be extended because we're pressured to develop more social relationships at a younger age and marry early. This pressure may give us little room to find ourselves. That's my personal theory anyways.

Do you feel any pressure from outside to succeed in a career?

Personally, part of my stress about finding myself came from me trying to construct my identity. I always wanted to be something and part of that I think was my way of trying not to be me. And this never felt right because my constructed identity always felt artificial. So part of my healing was to let go of this and let my identity form by itself.

It's good to hear you're finding a bit of peace too.

@whitedog

Haven't come up with any yet, as far as I know I'm just 'winging' it.

Oh, my identity crisis is definitely rooted in careers. Yes. I always felt as if, growing up I was encouraged to 'achieve', and all this nonsense. Looking back on it, I absolutely hate it that this was instilled in me by my parents. As if achieving, and climbing the career ladder was the only way to obtain happiness. No, it ticks me off completely. I don't like it when my parents gloat about my achievements, or how intelligent I am and all of that nonsense to other people. It makes me feel angry because I feel as if it's devaluing me as a human being. That for me, is only JUST one part of me. I don't believe it to define me as a person. The terrible thing is that parents are never proud of you, for say example... showing compassion or mercy. It's always this career-driven bullshit. It angers me. No matter how many times I explain myself to my parents, they just don't get it. They assume success, and having a great job amounts to happiness. It frustrates me because it feels as if I'm stuck in a trap of sorts. Whenever I feel as if I'm free from these constraints of 'career climbing', I never truly am. Being raised with this ideology I can't escape it. I get down in the dumps, thinking I haven't done enough with my life. Thinking I'm a failure. Ego is a messy things, and at times... is needs to buggar off. I was raised with ego floating around all the time. As if achievement was of absolute importance. It isn't. No matter how I achieve, or far up the ladder I climb, the less I feel I've accomplished. You get to the point where achievements and career define you as a person... it destroys you because that's what your existence is based on I believe. The need to achieve constantly.

Such things automatically make me assume that I am a bad person because of this. For me, what made me struggle with identity moreso was that I hated myself growing up. I wasn't loud, and gregarious like other kids... or social. I wanted to be the complete opposite of whom I was. An awkward, and social misit. I began pretending to be other people in public, hoping it would change me for good. It never did. More or less it made me more miserable because I knew I was attracting the wrong people, and I knew it was betraying that part of myself.

I need to do the same thing. Just stop hiding, and let my identity form by itself. It will be hard, and painful. But you cannot make a diamond without pressure. I can only hope.

@Wolfies

That's a good way to look at it, as a diamond in the rough.

This 'career climbing' attitude seems to really annoy you. It seems like a really demanding attitude that requires us all to run around in circles and prove ourselves to it. I agree with you. There is more to life than just pursuing a career. What would you like to have instead of this career climbing?

HI @Wolfies, @whitedog, @Former-Member, @Ellu, @Former-Member,

I read something really inspiring the other day - a quote;

Identity is a cage waiting for a bird. - Franz Kafka

I feel exactly the same way.... identity is just something we construct, it's arbitrary; it could be anything.

We try to make sense of the world by placing labels on ourselves "I am this" or "I am that" but it doesn't seem to work.... because it's all related to social conditioning and comparisons to other people.

However, I think when we start to question our identity, it's such a good thing... it really does help us grow. For me, it's just being able to sit with uncertainty and be more comfortable with not knowing anything.

This is a great conversation.

I dont just think that we should be active. @Wolfies I also believe in the importance of silence and meditation and I am a listener and a music teacher.

I agree with your attitudes about art and ego. I have seen it a lot in the musical sphere and also try and find a middle way of encouraging my students without too much ego. I might not be the pushiest teacher on the block but I am happy with that.

I think Erikson is good in that it gets us back to basics of survival and social awareness in a complex world.