How do you find yourself?

Hi @Wolfies,

I can relate to you as I used to have very similar problems. I am still very shy and a bit awkward.... and I'm 46. I think a lot of people can relate to having trouble finding true friends.

I have been very hurt by 3 different close female friends in the past. Two of these friendships ended completely with no hope of re-connecting. The other friendship survived, but we rarely see each other- mainly due to geographic distance.

Something I noticed in what you've written..... you say "The people I attract to me are narcissistic and egotistical". Unfortunately it might be you who is actually attracted to these type of people - albeit subconsciously.

I was the same, too, only I didn't realise it until I had counselling. I was attracted to emotionally distant people who could never give me what I wanted.... but on a deep level it actually felt comfortable to me to be around these people, as they reminded me of how I was treated when I was growing up with my own family.

If you feel awkward and have trouble expressing yourself.... then being around someone egotistical may initially feel like a break form having to think about yourself and what you are going to say - hence the attraction. But as these friendships develop, you realise how emotionally unfulfilling they really are.

I think you are absolutely on the right path in saying that you want to accept yourself. A great goal to have!

@Wolfies, why do you think you hated yourself while you were growing up? Was there something specific that bothered you?

I think having counselling would really help you. Can you see a free counsellor at your Uni?

Finding out who you truly are can be a life-long process.... it's not something you need to cling to and become despondent over. A lot of people reach mid-life only to discover that they have no idea who they are... they have only ever done what society dictated and followed the herd.

But you will not be like that, because you are already asking questions of yourself. If you can just accept and be comfortable with not knowing all the answers right now, then I think you will be able to enjoy each day as it comes.

I had the problem of being attracted to strong dominant personalitites and then feeling oppressed by them. It was unconscious for most of my life, and I balance it more by varying the circumstances where I have more .. or less influence.

I dont have a fixed sense of soul or self. There are aspects that are less amenable to change but I dont think it is necessary to worry about it.

At uni the concept of "subjectivities" plural actually made a lot of sense to me ..

also the importance of "agency" ... so verbs rule ... being a doer .. a seeker ...more than any label

give yourself more leg-rope.

cheers Apple

Hi @Sahara thanks for writing.

I'd say, you're right. About me attracting Narcissitic and 'chatter-box' types, it's because I'm reluctant in sharing anything about myself due to insecurity. Either they seek me, or I seek them. It's my fault, really. I notice when it comes to people conversing with one another there's this nice balance of divulging information to one another. One person will say something about their experience, whilst the other will go on about theres.

In a situation with me and socializing, however... it sadly more or less goes like this: Person chats on, and on about their lives... I prompt them further by asking more questions. This can go on for hours, it turns into an interview-esque kind of thing, which could border on a psychologist-like relationship. Me being the confidante. In the rare instance of me becoming comfortable with the person, I'd go ahead and divulge a little about myself... attempting to reach the balance I had mentioned earlier. This doesn't work, it seems to stop the flow of the conversation and we both fall silent. It then dawns on me "Hang on a second... this isn't right." This more or less isn't the relationship I signed up for.

I think the problem lays in me, personally. I don't see myself as interesting, and I don't see the point in talking about myself. I suppose it's because growing up, I wasn't tempered to social interaction. I was always alone for that reason. I suppose being around people who are egotistical/ overtly confident, in some crazy way mirrors my need to have that kind of trait. The trait to speak up, and not be afraid... albeit their sense of being is a facade most of the time.

I hated myself growing up, because... I don't know. Just, I have trouble grasping the world like everyone else. Everyone assumes my aloofness and withdrawn nature is due to being snobbish, which isn't the case at all. I just see others, and I notice people are better at socializing whilst I fall behind. I hate myself because I always felt inadequate and I feel as if I never could and can measure up in that way. I want to be better than I am. I do get counselling already, two times a month.

Thanks Sahara. I've been going through a lot of rapid changes ever since I hit my early 20s. Finding myself increasingly unhappy periodically, I am trying to find the reasons why... and it's like I need to look deep within myself to find that answer... as cheesy as that sounds. I believe I've destroyed myself many times in the pursuit of doing so, and it's being painful. How did I destroy myself? Questioned my sense of being many times, and attempted to adjust myself. I would lose traces of what I was formerly. I think back, to when I was 16 years old and I feel as if that person was never me. The person I am today is just so different, it scares me.

Thanks for your words, they bring comfort to me somewhat.

@Appleblossom

Good to hear I'm not alone in this. I suppose it's not so unconcious anymore seeing as we're both aware of it now.

Having a soul/self which isn't fixed is a good concept to bring up... I think that may be the same with me too (or everyone). I've been told some things are fixed, whilst others... not so. The issue with identity at the moment with me is trying to find those things within me which are fixed. That's why I'm so lost.

I think I can grasp what you mean. What you do defines you? As opposed to what you think, feel, and say. Action defines us. I thought about that often, worrying that I need to leave more behind in this world to define myself. Do you agree with this? Perhaps I need to do 'more' as opposed to just thinking.

@utopia

I have considered joining groups, and am in the process of meeting like-minded people.

Yeah, when it comes to accepting yourself. I suppose it's all about accepting your faults and all. I want to reach that stage of attempting to not destroy those parts of myself I loathe so much. I want to accept myself the bad parts and all.

I don't think I've met my people yet. I have went through life so far, at the age of 22 and I've yet to find my people. It feels lonely, but yeah... Umm, I guess what interests me is drawing. My college degree is Art-based. I have thought about joining art groups, but I am reluctant to do so as in the past I've come across jealous people/ competitive people. Bad experience, more or less. Wasn't good for my growth. I have been in college for a good three years, and I've yet to find my people still.

I have thought about that @utopia

Sadly, I'm not based in Melbourne. I wish I was. I've been thinking about getting an internship for the longest time... well, if that includes getting mentored by someone with far more technical skill and capability (correct me if I'm wrong). I would like a mentor.

I looked at the site and I like it so far. Unfortunantly, it's only based in Melbourne by the looks of things. I've heard Melbourne is very rich in art culture compared to the state I live in. One of my internet friends live there and tells me about it. I've thought about moving there purely for the purpose of filling my environment more with novelty. I've heard getting out, and aborbing more things brings an inner richness to our lives.

Haha, thank-you. It's not really much of a talent. I don't beleive so. It's just a way, personally for me to express myself. All my frustration is bottled up in what I draw, and people notice it when they look at my drawings. I suppose I'm a really messed up person.

I think the idea of joining a group is a good idea. I do need to find people like myself. The problem, I guess is where to start? How do you know what kind of people are your people if you don't know who you are yourself?

Hit & Miss

Trial & Error

is my experience of finding my people .. Hi @Wolfies

I am a Melbourne person and particularly appreciate our general arts culture ... and different artforms

Yes competitiveness and jealousy seems part & parcel of it .. but then I balance it with finding better team workers .. and keep a dialogue about the importance of team building in those places that need it.