My rambling page

In the past I felt anger as a motivating force toward change, and goals. Then again, maybe it was mere frustration...

I don't really feel anger these days, though. I may have reason to, but I just don't...

Women are often trained out of really feeling anger or putting it where it belonged.

Sometimes it's about our own sense of self worth.

Sometimes you just aren't ready yet. But I know what you mean. I am quick to find excuses for others but being super critical of myself.

I'm actually having a pretty good day today so far and most of yesterday was alright as well. I'm still anxious about interacting with people but I am not letting it stop me from getting stuff done. I was really feeling weird early this morning wondering if it was alright to feel alright. Not just is it safe to feel safe but am I allowed to feel OK is that weird?

I've got some paperwork done and am dipping my toe into an assignment. I have exercise and cooking to do today so today is going to be a productive day.

Sounds good, @Gillie1

And I can really appreciate what you described: being suspect of actually feeling OK for a change!

But if you consider what you've been through, it's understandable, too.

I mentioned to my counsellor the other day how I'm finding it impossible to trust my own values.

Apparently, it happens...

So: not weird. But weird. 🙂

All the best.

I've once again got to the place of feeling unsafe in the world.

Not really knowing whats going on and who's doing what. What is real and what is not. What is safe and what is not. Who is safe and who is not.

I would love to say that I can deal with it, that I have learnt to cope with it. But not knowing is really distressing. Not knowing how I am allowed to feel, because I'm not sure what is happening and who would tell me the truth anyway.

People think they have a right to invade my privacy and if I have nothing to hide why would it upset me? It upsets me because it tells me who they think I am and that effects how I feel about myself and creates a capital T Trauma response even though I wish it didn't.

It effects me because I feel like anything and everything can be taken the wrong way at any moment and that terrifies me. It effects me because people cross my boundaries regularly, boundaries that are pretty standard for everyone and then get critical of me for noticing, blaming me for their boundary crossing.

It upsets me because I don't have any privacy anymore. It upsets me because it confuses and distorts my reality. It upsets me because I have no control over who does what where when to me anytime anywhere. It upsets me because the basic premise was wrong from the beginning.

Most of all it upsets me because it triggers a trauma response in me that I then have to manage and still appear functional or be labelled and have that used as justification to continue and they still have it wrong.

Even behaving functionally is used as a justification for keeping on going because people don't get that that is how Trauma works. It hits in waves and is worse when around triggering events and this past year has been one giant trigger after another so I'm up and down like a yoyo.

I'm using my words tonight not the jar of mustard pickles. I'm just exhausted and have nowhere to go. I'm physically safe in my house but when I'm not feeling safe in any other way it really screws me up.

What's worse is that this time could be real and may not be but I will never know and my emotional reaction is still the same anyway. I only trust one person and that isn't even me because the cognitive distortion of not knowing means I don't even trust my own perception anymore.

Who's 'they' @Gillie1 ?

Pretty much everyone in my life to different degrees at different times. Tonight I joined different dots and don't know if they are accurate and I'll never know. I've gotten the most toxic people out of my life for now but still don't know if I'm safe. I don't know if it will ever stop or if it did could I even know now I'm so stuffed up.

Today I had a good shift with my support worker but the last 20 mins of the drive back I was thinking I'm stuck in the car with someone and I didn't know if they would do or say something inappropriate to test me. And I had to manage that anxiety and appear normal. I thought my phone was tapped again today when I got home and I started my assignment and that got me thinking about my online lecture and I knew I wouldn't feel safe there either.

And I know this is all classic paranoia crap except it isn't not for me and I know that sounds like paranoia too.

I ended up trying to talk to the crisis line with slurred speech like I was on drugs or something or had a stroke but hadn't done either. The funny thing is I discovered I can still type when like that so it's not classic dissociation. It was like someone had stolen my voice. I got my voice back but I had missed the crisis team call by that point.

And had been able to express myself enough to get out of that space.

Sounds like you could do with a good dinner and rest!

Yes it's exhausting, I'm exhausting, People are exhausting, Dogs aren't I wish I believe in reincarnation sometimes. I would come back as a dog I think, I like dogs they are simple, and uncomplicated, maybe I just need a dog again.

Thankyou for responding @Kyle1 . Have a good night