My rambling page

@ClockFace That it will in time. I haven't been keeping up with things on here as much as I'd like to, while it's a great way to express and share my journey I've started to stand up for myself in the real world too. That is much harder than just venting on here and my anxiety is here now my support worker has gone home for the day but it's the first time in a while I've actually felt like myself around her. So that's a win a big one.

It has meant making some tough decisions about my family and who I let into my space but I think it will be worthwhile. Your situation is so much more complex with multiple layers of reliance on each other. One thing I've taken from reading your journey is how much suicide attempts impact the family. It's something I knew but didn't fully grasp I guess. That is one reason I'm stepping back. They can't be there in the way I need, and while I'm still suicidal and really distressed most often I don't have the energy to fake being ok so I don't distress them. I can't deal with their reactions to me either. There are a lot of emotions on many levels but what was happening before was a no-win situation for everyone.

Hopefully time and space will heal but at the moment I need to look after me and let them be them.

Can I ask, @Gillie1 how are you doing that?

It's something I am struggling with, personally. I know a number of things to do, but my motivation is non existent...

How do you get past that yourself?

How I'm doing that? Creating space with my family? It's got to the point where there are no other healthy options. I don't have any resources left to put on a happy voice and pretend anymore. It's just realistic that we can't be what any of us need us to be to not hurt each other.

It's not ideal and if I didn't care about them I would have disappeared years ago. Just like they would have turned their back on me years ago if they didn't care.

That doesn't mean we can be in a functional and healthy relationship where we are now.

Apart from that I need to trust my gut at the moment and have people around that I am building trust with over time. People that are proving themselves and that I can start to let down some of the barriers with. That feeling of safety with people is so important and much more complex than people think.

Hey @Gillie1 I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with ongoing thoughts of suicide. It sounds like you are putting boundaries in place and looking after yourself, which is a really good thing. I have sent you a check in email, if you could look out for that. I also wanted to send you the link for the peer care warmline as that might be something that can support you through these moments. Of course, if you find yourself in crisis please reach out to lifeline or 000.

We're sitting with you, please take care.

Hi @Paperdaisy, I'm aware I need to be more careful around my language I apologise. I do use crisis services when needed. Ideation is part of my normal reality and I'm quite frank with my workers (not family) but I can be too frank sometimes. It comes and goes at varying intensities. It has been worse lately but I have my strategies and am safe.

Thank you for checking in.

No need to apologise @Gillie1 I hear you. Thank you for letting me know you're safe. Sounds like you have been dealing with it for a long time and have your strategies but please keep reaching out for support. The SANE drop in is also available to you, should you feel you need it. Please take care

Thanks @Paperdaisy.

@Gillie1 No, I mean more so the drive? The motivation factor? How do you do that?

Quote for the day?

"Art is to console those who are broken by life"

Van gogh

I've just really really had enough. I've reached my crapometer limit. I don't know.

When I stopped internalizing my anger and put it where it belonged I could act again. I could make choices make my voice heard assertively.

I think it helps that I've been through times like this before to differing degrees too. You sort of get used to picking yourself up and trying again.

Thats about it really.