Malens Babble

So I got to speak to my mental health nurse. They have organised for me to see their psychiatrist on the 21st of April. I have no idea whats going on with the one Im supposed to be seeing ongoing.

I spoke to her about my current depressive situation. That Im not showering, Im not changing cloths, not even to sleep, that im not sleeping much, that Im having trouble taking meds in general and cause I see them as poision and Im having issues eating.

Sadly she was of the opinion that she couldnt tell me not to go to hospital, in fact she made a number of recommendations as to places I could go.

Im not against going to hospital as a rule, Ive been in for a number of reasons plenty of times. Never for depression, which I will say to me feels a bit odd to be hospitalised for. But my objection at the moment is my sister is in hospital, my Mum has just got out of hospital, my Dad is visably exhusted. I want to be at home helping him as much as I can not adding to his burden as another person to visit. Added to which I can only think that they will sedate me, given the psychosis, and Im not keen on spending a week or 2 in an idle state. Ive done that in the past, long enough for me to have had my life time fill.

I support anyone going into hospital, dont get me wrong, Im not anti-hospital.Theres just being there for my Dad too, not him being there for me yet again.

Hi @ClockFace,

I really respect your concern about not wanting to go into hospital partly because you want to be there for your dad - it is really commendable but I do think sometimes, even if it may cause extra pressure for others, it is important to prioritise ourselves. You have spent a lot of time taking care of your family members (which is amazing) but it sounds like maybe it's time for you to have a complete break and allow someone else (such as a hospital) to take care of you now.

From what you have written a lot of your day to day self-care is being impacted by your depressive mood. I might be good for you to get some 24 care just until you get back on your feet a little. It sounds like you are really depleted which is completely understandable with everything you are going through.

Please take care,

FloatingFeather

@FloatingFeather

If Im honest a hospital visit is probably warranted. Im not in a good way.

I have an appointment with my GP today and then I have the angiogram, which I kinda need to do. I plan on talking with my GP about things but doubt Im going to get much of a different outcome.

I imagine that in the next day or 2 I will find myself in ER, especially if my sister comes home soon, Im not sure Im gonna handle that in my current state.

I spoke to Dad about it and he took it better than I expected but it hasnt happened yet so dont know how it will really play out. Best prepare my go bag though.

I took my pain killers this morning and Ive been ok, ive taken my second dose a little while ago. I have my GP but then I have to go to get my angiogram and I really dont know how Im going to manage to actually get my arse from the car to the exam room. All I know is I am going to be in so much pain and Im really not looking forward to it at all. I might take my walking stick and see if that helps a bit. Worst thing is Im not going to be able to take more for several hours after all the walking.

Seriously pain sucks, Ive been in pain more than 1/2 my life. This procedure was supposed to mean no more pain and yet Im in more pain than I was. I really hope if does wear off and the paid actually goes away like they said it would. Really making me think about wether I do this again once the procedure wears off, if it works that is

Based on what you've said it probably is a good idea you go to hospital @ClockFace. Sounds like you could do with some space and time away from the family dynamic whilst also getting some care from professionals.

Glad your dad took it better than you thought he would - I'm sure he just wants to see you get the best care and to feel better.

I went to my GP as planned however I was in lots of pain, lots, so I rang and cancelled my Angiogram, added to which I was pretty sure that my GP was going to have me hospitalised.

Plot twist she didnt. I think its because, while its hard I am remaining compliant.

My GP is kinda new to my case, she started dealing with me at the end of last year and due to my complexity it takes a bit to catch up. She has done really well. I kinda feel bad for her because I go and see her and each time its basically me dumping on her, huge amounts of information and I tend to expect her to just know what happened 3 years ago. Somehow she catches on quickly.

I wouldnt say she is the warmest person but very compentant and listens well.

If different things happen, like I cant take meds etc then I know what to do but she understands my desire not to go to hospital

Well I took my pain meds as directed today, well 3 of them I can have 1 more. I had my first, with my calming medication, combining the two has a weird affect where it makes each other more intense, something at the time I had forgotten. I was a bit drowsy but I came good. Took the second and was ok I drove for a bit but it was hard work. Had my appointment with my GP cancelled my appointment for the cardiorgam and came home. Took my third and that was it, within a couple hours I had to go to bed and in seconds I was asleep for about 3 hours. The annoying thing was I was still in pain.

Im hoping that a lot of this was the taking the two meds together in the morning and that not doing that tomorrow will mean I can last the day. I wont be happy if I have to have a nap every day. This spinal procedure is becoming a real pain in the arse.

@ClockFace @"This spinal procedure is becoming a real pain in the arse. Quite literally!

Yeah staggering the medication more evenly should help. But also a nap every now and then isn't the worst if it makes the rest of the day better. You are making progress Malen. I can see it.

My Dad and I have never had a great relationship. Its not that I dont believe he doesnt love me we are just very different. Dad is very much a MAN in the traditional sense. Growing up he was always doing something. He essentially rebuilt our house growing up himself. Mean while he was heavily involved in the running of our church, there was little time for him and I to bond as it were.

I did really well at school, like I was a nerd and quite ok with it, I got the shit kicked out of me for it but I loved to study. I got into computing in its early years and developed along those lines but given where I lived and Mum and Dads either financial or not wanting to break up the family wouldnt send me to a larger school to persue my acedemics. Most of my final years classes were done over the phone as the school I went to didnt have the resources to teach me the topics I wanted.

I didnt go on to higher education, this kinda screwed the pooch in that aspect. I went and worked in a school for a bit but most of my after school jobs were manual labour. Neither job, the outcome of school etc were satisfactory for Dad. Even when I got a job at a Big 4 bank and several promotions hasnt been enough.

When I was in my early 20's I had a back injury and ended up with 2 buldging discs. I think my Dad saw this as me being even less of a man. I had to move to the city for opportunities to work with this, the support for disabilities wasnt what it is today.

Anyhow with my sister in hospital we began to talk, more than we have ever done before. It was mainly about my sister but eventually we started to talk about more normal stuff, about Mum about what we do there and now about managing my mental health. Dad retired just over a month ago and he is still out doing stuff constantly, but he is inside helping more. But he will come out with me while Im having a smoke or talk while doing stuff inside.

He doesnt always understand and can be pretty dismissive but he is trying to listen, he is trying to understand. Im worried that when my sister does come home that it will end. When she came for a short period of time it did. It was about her, which makes a bit of sense but I missed my Dad and I actually having a relationship with my Dad.

My entire relationship with my Mum has been one of do this for me, do that for me. From the moment I was old enough I was making her coffee for her and she drank lots of coffee. We have visitors, I was the one making coffee. It always made me feel like Mum was trying to push me aside, trying to hide me from her and visitors. I was the mistake child, unplanned but loved as my Mum would say but treated very differently to my sister.

Mum and I have always had a one way relationship. Since her brain injury she has changed, but for me it remains a one way relationship. She wants, I get, well I dont, screw that but its the relationship she wants is that one way relationship.

I used to try, I used to talk to Mum about stuff, run ideas past her etc. Now, I just do, be it good or bad I do and I deal with the outcome. Mum is often the first to rub it in how I made a bad choice.

I would say that the relationship with my Mum is toxic so I tend not to interact. Mentally I dont have the capacity to process and weed out what is ok and what is toxic so I put it all in the toxic basket and just lose out on the positives altogether.