Malens Babble

I keep getting pressure in my head and neck again, Ive got to see my GP in next day or 2 for more pain medication so Im gonna talk to her about it. The pain in my shoulders and now my biceps is getting worse, Ive got physio on Wednesday morning and Im going to ask for him to concentrate on them, I might bring it up with my GP if I see her first. My legs are pretty achy, Im assuming thats due to the way Im walking, Ive been kinda trying to push it a bit and walk a bit more "normally" as much as I can, I think thats the problem. I wont get time with my physio or GP to discuss them, I think I just have to stop pushing it. My lower back is pretty intensily painful as are my shoulder b!ades but over all its not as painful as what it has been, the pain inbetween the shoulder b!ades and my lower back isnt there nearly as badly and thats making a world of difference, my hips are pretty bad.

I went to bed and got a few hours sleep. I woke up in a lot of pain, I am really stiff. Im finding walking really hard. I went back to bed and woke up a couple hours later in a similar state. I need to go and get some meals today, which I planned to do this morning, well I suppose I still plan to do so. This is going to hurt like hell in my current state. I dont particularly want to go shopping today, its gonna cause so much pain and Im really not looking forward to that.

I went into Coles, by the time I was done I was pretty stuffed and in a fair bit of pain. I got home and unpacked the refriderated stuff but left the rest for later. Ive sat down, Im gonna have a bit of a rest before I do much else. I put away the cold stuff, my legs are extremely sore, Im finding doing things like going shopping more and more painful for me to do and I get so damn tired from doing it. Im gonna try and get into see one of my GP's for more pain killers, they open in about 1/2 an hour, once thats sorted Im gonna go to bed again. I have my appointment with my pain specialist in a w8eek, he will really have to come up with something decent for me not to decide to change pain specialist.

I asked my sister what she had on today and her she wasnt terribly happy, I had forgotten that it was her last day with one of her support people and her GP was back from a month off. She likes both a lot. Shes been on about both for last couple days. I didnt forget on purpose and its not uncommon that I am forgetting things. The pain is really causing me issues not just physically, its causing issues with my mental health and mentally. Concentrating, memory etc are all suffering. I have a procedure on Friday and I have had to remind myself on a number of occassions.

I rang the doctors and I cant get in basically until next week, which means I have a few pain killers to last me a week, so I expect that I will be in ER at some stage in the near future. I was still in a fair bit of pain, I was planning on taking a pain med once I was sure I could get into a doctor. Given that I cant I havent and decided to go lay down. I didnt last long before I became really frustrated, I couldnt get comfortable, my legs are seriously aching. The general pain has settled, I mean Im still in pain but its better. My Shoulders and biceps are really painful, particularly if I move them, kinda like my legs. Ill give it a little time up again and then try laying down again and see if I can get some rest then.

Im gonna lay down again for a bit and see if I can get some rest, but but is really sore. Sitting down for long periods like I am is starting to be an issue. I laid down again, but again I couldnt settle, everything either aches or is in a lot of pain and no matter how I lay something isnt great, but I gave my bum a break. I know Dad has an issue with my laying down but I got out of bed and came down to the kitchen, soon after he came inside and goes back again, like that was an issue as well. Either way I go, going to bed, getting up there is a comment. Just let me be, understand that sleeping is an issue, because pain is an issue.

As I said legs and arms are bad today, real lower back isnt great, its having its moments but for the most part its tolerable. Im pretty worn out though, Ive been up since like 5am and Ive been shopping. I havent been able to go to sleep since then which is uncommon and coming off a few hours sleep. It would be nice if I am moving back to a regular sleeping pattern but the transition is going to suck. It could also be anxiety because I wont have access to my pain meds as easily for a little bit. The fear of pain is pretty intense, I think I combat it pretty well, I keep doing the things I really need to do even if they cause me pain. I keep going shopping for myself, taking myself to appointments etc. I havent stopped. But that was before I wasnt able to get access to pain meds, I dont particularly want to go to ER again, but it might be my only choice in the end. The amount of pain I experience is scary, I mean if the pain is good you are worried about when it will return, its scary. You know your not dying but you do kinda wish you were. The emotions that come along with pain arent awesome either, depression, sad, fear etc. so being afraid of pain I think makes sense and its natural.

I went and had a chat with Mum for a bit, we ended up on old topics which was frustrating. I got up out of the seat at one point as I couldnt sit any longer and my leg just shook, wobbled constantly it took a while for me to get control of it again, probably the worst one Ive had. I really feel like having a sleep but its not that long before I need to be up for the appointment with my councillor. Once Ive had my appointment Ill be going to sleep I would think. As much as Dad gets annoyed with me laying down, I find it very frustrating the whole sleep for a few hours, awake for a few hours. Being like I am now is really hard, Im really tired, I know I need to lay down and that Id sleep but not being able to go to bed for one reason or another.

I keep getting massive pressure in my head and neck, my ears feel like they are going to blow out from the pressure. Its like a balloon being blown up instantly in my head. I went and laid down, Dad came inside as I was going and asked what I was doing and I told him I was laying down and he said goodness grief, he seriously doesnt get it. I laid down and I spasmed heaps, legs went mental as did my arms, back not so much. Im really tired and needed a rest but my body yet again betrayed me. Ive been taking my top off before I go to bed, trying to roll over etc in bed has become really hard and my top would get caught and tighten up and what not. Part way through laying down a moment ago I ended up taking off my pants pretty much for the same reason, all bunched up and twisted. The spasms have really hurt me, my legs and arms are really painful but it has sparked my back as well as my neck and shoulders. To say that Im unhappy is an understatement. The overall pain isnt horrible, I can tolerate the pain Im in, Im not enjoying it but you know. While I spasmed and carried on laying down does help keep the pain more manageable, allowing time to take the pressure off my spine really helps.

Im moving around heaps on my seat, I cant get comfortable. Im really tired, Im fighting falling asleep. The whole concentration thing has really gone out the window today/tonight, I can barely type out a sentance without stopping for a break. It wasnt that long ago that I laid down last but I dont think its gonna be long before I lay back down. I dont seem to be doing well with the tiredness today, it doesnt help that I cant actually dose off.

Im gonna go lay down again shortly, see if I can actually sleep this time, Im well knackered. I dosed on and off but didnt actually sleep. Im now hoping that when I have my night meds they will actually put me to sleep. Im really dopey, I just want to fall asleep, but when I go to bed it doesnt happen. Ive decided to have my night meds early and hopefully that will allow me to go to sleep.

Dad's starting to really tick me off, he winges about everything, he has decided that 22 degrees is the right tempreture for the heater and if my sister isnt around he will change it everytime. If my sisters around he wont touch it. I like it set to 24. Hes just changed it again, Im going to bed in a bit so I dont care that much. He just came down winging about Netflix not working, then its his phone, then its my sister, then its my Mum. He winges about it but doesnt actually address anything. We've told him the Netflix would be the TV so he needs to replace it, but he doesnt want to spend a couple hundred dollars so its not that its something else, he just keeps winging about it. I bought some chips the other day and had opened them today or last night, I went and laid down at some point and my sister had some chips, which is fine I had offered her some this morning. Dad however had gotten into them as well, which I dont really mind, but I had a fair amount left, plenty for me to nibble on for another day or two but now I dont.

He never asks if Im ok or how Im doing, only if I can do stuff. He just asked about someone picking something up while he will be out. There is never anything like, can I do anything for you? Im going to the shops do you need anything etc. I asked him to get some shopping out the car the other day, in the end between my sister and I we did it. I know hes sick, hes in pain, he choses not to take meds for either and if he did the pain meds he would be on are far less than what Im on. But if he took the meds offered he would be so much better off and far less irritated so he might be able to help more but also happier. Its funny he helps Mum and my sister but far less likely to help me.

I went to bed pretty early, I couldnt get any actual sleep during the day but I did when I went to bed after my night meds. I woke up around 2ish I think, I didnt do much for sometime, just watched Netflix. Eventually I made myself something to eat as I hadnt had tea. Then it dawned on me that I had no more cold drinks left so I went into town to get some drinks. My back isnt bad, though walking and driving etc isnt so great. That said Im walking almost like normal which is pleasant. My left shoulder however is really painful. Its 5am, Im going to go back to bed in a minute and see if I can get some more sleep.

I got some more sleep, I woke up and then again went back to sleep again but I woke up this time coughing and spluttering. Overnight I was walking ok, pain wasnt too bad, I actually stayed up longer than I would have because it was so nice. Ive woken up in a fair bit of pain again, which Im not happy about at all. Its not terrible, I just walked up and down the hallway a couple times which caused the pain to get a worse. Its really difficult not knowing how much pain Im going to be in day to day, hour to hour. You cant plan anything, like Im not gonna be in pain between this time and that time so I will do this or that. Pain is there when its there, which is most the time, then when its not if you chose to take advantage of that and do some shopping or something, more than likely pain will come back in a hurry. Working out what to do each day and when to do it is almost impossible, appointments are just forced upon me, they happen wether you're in pain, if the tiredness has hit etc. You have to get food and what not. You cant plan pain which sucks.

I woke up and not long after started to feel pretty wonky, pretty dizzy. I figured I had my night meds early last night and I needed them earlier today, so Ive taken them, that was like an hour or so ago and Im still wonky and dizzy. Im really hoping it wears off soon.

I'm at physio just waiting. I'm gonna get my shoulders looked at and ask about the pressure in my head see what he thinks. Im starting to get really tired, it won't be long after I get home that I'm in bed I think. My back didn't enjoy the drive, had a really sharp pain above my left hip, now I have pain in my right hip. Walkings still ok but getting harder. On the way in I kept trying to think what else I can do while I'm in but now that I'm here I'm just concentrating on getting through this. My back is getting worse as I sit here as is the tiredness.

It was that I would start feeling tired and then end up in bed. Lately it comes on suddenly and really strong. Maybe it was cause I was driving and thats wiped me out but its really hit me hard, I could go to sleep now. I really dont need this in addition to the pain.

I saw my physio and it turns out that I have nerve tension. Ive been given some more excersises to do. He said that the longer Im living with the pain etc the more additional injuries I will incur. I laid down for a bit, I kept tensing up, full body, then my legs would shake. I found it really hard to just lay and relax. Im pretty frustrated, another issue, more excersises and treatment. Im pretty tired of all these medical issues, treatments etc. Its just one thing after another, more limitations, more pain. I knew I had the pain and limitations but now I know its not just a simple fix, its long term treatment.

The pain in my left shoulder seems to be much worse today, I dont know if it is or it the lack of pain in my back is projecting the pain in my shoulder more intensily. I cant just have a day where Im just not in a huge amount of pain, something has to cause me a crap load of pain.

Im really flat, pretty depressed, Im tired of being in pain, Im tired of my pain not being understood by my family, theres always one person who is being an ass about it, currently its Dad. Mum and my sister are being pretty understanding at the moment, though that could change at any moment. I went and laid down again, I think I dozed off for a while in the end, though it was a struggle, but I didnt fall properly asleep and ended up needing to pee. Im going to go to bed early again tonight, Im really tired but I more so I just dont want to be awake.

I spoke to Mum a couple days ago and she got onto the whole pain threshold bullshit, my sister has a high threshold etc. She acknowledges that Im in pain, but its done as this is the worst pain I have experienced. Which is true, but its so condesending. It would be nice if she, well all of them, would accept that I am in the pain that I say, not try to minimise my experience, not try and soften the pain.

I got some sleep over night, I was up for a while at one point. Ive woken up at 5:30am, my back is pretty damn sore, as is my neck. But I feel really not right, my head is swimming. It took a while but it did calm down. I sat and watched Netflix for a while and then went into town. By the time I got home my shoulder was incredibly sore, it felt like it was the size of a medium sized ball. Since the physio got me to move my arm in certain ways etc yesterday my shoulder has been heaps worse. Its been hard to lay down in bed with them for a while, but it was really painful last night.

Im incredibly irritable today, everything is just getting on top of me. Tomorrow I have another cystoscopy, I just got a call from the hospital to go through all the BS about it. They have to go through the whole psychotic symptoms stuff in depth, its a little invasive, but I understand that they need to go through it. There is a fair amount to go through, past history etc. The procedure doesnt bother me, its just that I have to have another one, its the 8th for the year and I dont feel like I have gotten anywhere with any of them, just backwards really. There is so much pain, so much. My back causes amazing pain, I dont know how to describe it, its not like anything Ive ever experienced. Now I have this pain in my shoulders, for the most part it hurts a heap, just a constant throb, like something has a really tight grip on my shoulder. Randomly, as in I cant work out the triggers, there is intense pain in my shoulders when I do certain movements. The pain is momentarily crippling, my whole arm just drops everything, I cant force my way to deal with the pain and push through to continue, it just stops working. Thats because its a nerve issue and it I think the transmission cant get through at all. There seems to be a number of nerve issues, the whole back thing is primarily nerve based. Thats why I cant just fight my way through the pain, there is muscular pain I know that but the nerve pain isnt something you can just over come. The nerve issues in my spine cause issues with my legs so I walk with a limp or shuffle. As a result my legs tend to be really sore most the time too. There is so much more going on, mental health etc. Today its just irritating the shit out of me, I just want it to stop. I just want to stop being in pain, finding new sources of pain, being sick, having issues sleeping, issues eating, having medical checks, procedures etc.

Im gonna laydown again in a moment, for the past few days Ive not been able to sleep when I lay down during the day. Im not sure why, but it really sucks cause Im not really sleeping at night. Im really tired, almost always exhusted again. I laid down but I couldnt sleep again, I cant seem to switch off, I cant settle, its really frustrating, particularly today, Im tired but I also dont feel right and a bit of sleep would help with that I think. Im considering taking some of one of my night meds to help settle me down, calm my mind. Even if it doesnt help me sleep, just bringing some peace to my mind would be nice.

Dad just sat and talked with me for a bit, well he keeps going. He talked about my pain for a bit, whats going on etc. with treatment. Im not really feeling like it today, I dont want to be rude but I just want quiet, most the time he doesnt know what he is on about, particular with my pain stuff and its not really genuine.

Pain is pretty tolerable today, I went to Coles and was in pretty much in agony by the time I was done but it subsided reasonable quickly. Im still in pain generally but just not as intensily. I remembered about the technique to reduce the pain in my shoulder which has helped heaps, like a massive amount. It was pretty bad this morning so reducing the pain was great.

I laid down for a while and actually got some sleep, when I woke up the pack of chips I bought today had been half eaten. I had opened them and had a few but Dad has eaten heaps. Ticks me off, you buy something like chips and leave it for a bit and while your not around he eats a heap. Im still pretty tired, laying down/sleeping may occur again pretty soon. Pain is getting a bit worse, woke up pretty stiff and sore. My left bicep is really sore, which is weird that was the case as my shoulder isnt too bad now. Im finding it hard to stay awake, Ive been pretty exhusted for past couple days, there is a lot going on for me and I think its all caught up with me. Ill pretty much have tea and go to bed.

I had my tea, I didnt eat much as usual but I feel a bit crap now. Im really ready for some sleep now. Pain is still tolerable but getting worse. I have my cystoscopy tomorrow, I have to be there at 12 pm tomorrow. I should be home around 5/6pm. Another procedure 8 in 8 months.

Ive had some sleep, Ive been up and down a bit. Ive woken at 2:30am in a fair bit of pain. I dont think Ill be up for a long time, Im still very tired. My legs ache quite a lot, I think cause Ive gone from the shuffling weird walk I had for so long to a more "normal" walk my muscles are finding that hard.

My sister just had a dig about not being woken up at night when she falls asleep at the table, when I/Dad goes to bed. It was over her medication, she obviously hasnt taken it and is blaming me. For ages both Dad and I did our best to wake her up when we went to bed and leading up to going to bed, we would spend hours, Dad would stay up trying to get her to go to bed. After a really long time of her getting really grumpy about it and just not waking up both Dad and I gave up. I think absolutly fairly, she doesnt normally fall asleep just randomly, its every night she goes to sleep at the table, she puts her head down and goes to sleep. I get so annoyed with this attitude, that someone else has to be responsible for her, I have to managed her medication, fine but her actually taking them that is up to her. Her sleeping at the table is so common, its a choice, take your medication and go to bed, but no we will carry on at the table every night.

Im quite sick of being blamed for other people not dealing with their own responcibilities. Mum cant manage to take her medications in the morning, my sister now cant do it at night, it really cant be that damn hard and in both instances its got to do with sleep. I have a horrible sleep pattern, couple hours sleep, couple hours awake, all over the place but I manage to take both my lots of medications. Added to which, Ive made it clear that I cant support people anymore, I cant be relied upon. Between my sleep and the pain dealing with myself is enough. While she is being more understanding of late, this isnt something my sister isnt appreciating just how much my pain affects me mentally.

My hips are pretty sore today, its like they are disjointed, like Im a damn puppet. My lumbar is pretty sore, particularly when walking. My thorasic is sore but tolerable. My shoulders arent pleasant today, Ive done my technique for the shoulder pain but thats had help. Thats probably where the thorasic pain is coming from.

I have my cystoscopy today, I got to be there in about 4 hours. The procedure itself doesnt bother me at all, Im a bit nervous about the results, I think I will be every time I have the procedure. Im actually a bit more relaxed about the procedure this time as its under general rather than local as it has been in the past so it wont be quite as painful as my last experience. At least it being general, I wont be in pain for a while, Ill have a short break.

I just posted a normal post on the SANE forum, Im struggling a fair bit. Its one thing after another, I mean Im dealing with so many conditions and now they are causing new conditions to arise. My physio, who works 3 days a week at the internation spine centre as well said the longer Im in the kind of pain Im in with my back the more likely it is that new issues will arise, which is just awesome. The nerve tension thing is probably a result of the spasms I was having, if someone had listened to me and done something about that then maybe I wouldnt be dealing with this now. But its another thing to add to the list of issues to manage. Which is all I seem to do, manage issues, manage conditions. Im really tired of having to monitor pretty much everything I do. Planning out the day and week when I can do different activities like shopping etc. but having to be prepared to put off doing things because the pain is too bad at the time. Having to justify to family members why I am or arent doing things. Trying to manage life with sleep issues, be it sleeping for a bit and awake for a bit, to a small amount of sleep at night or periods of time without sleep. Appointments dont stop or change time because you havent slept. Family dont really care that your sleep deprived along with being in incredible pain they dont want to deal with you being a jerk, which is kinda fair enough.

I could go on but Im a bit sick of that at the moment. Dad brought me down to have my procedure. Not long after we got going he said something along the lines of me not seeming very happy lately. I said it was the pain which is predominantly true, thats what's got me really struggling lately. I mean the impact on my life is pretty massive. All the other shit at home doesn't help but it's the pain and the whole having to deal with everything it just gets a bit much to cope with.

I've gone through the whole admitting process at the hospital so I'm just waiting for my name to be called. I could seriously go a smoke at the moment.

Procedure is all done and Im clear again. If Im clear 3 or 4 more times (approx 2 years) then I'll move to annual procedures, doesnt sound major but its big. My back is pretty damn sore and I'm having some spasms in my right leg. My shoulder is a bit average and I feel a bit average, just a bit shit. By the time I got home anything on me that can hurt was agonisingly painful. It didnt take me long before I was in my room taking break through pain medication and some OTC pain meds, an hour later things had calmed down a fair bit, Im still pretty sore but heaps better than I was. Im really tired but of course I cant sleep. I dont think it will be long before I take my night meds and bail on the day.

I dont know why but Dad has spent this evening winging about Mum and my sister to me. He did a bit on the way home from hospital as well. Its nothing new really either, its the same shit as well. Like nothing new, just the same shit with a twist. Mums got another brilliant idea for storing shit thats in the lounge, I think its more for finding somewhere for all Mums crap in my work area. Really just at the moment, tonight, probably most days, I dont care anymore. Most the time Im in so much pain that all I am focused on is how I can reduce the pain. I cant focus on much else at the moment, its really hard not to, its in itself is pretty overwhelming. It really sits front and centre in your mind, as much as you try to distract yourself, shift focus, concentrate on other things, pain, like serious, intense pain will always override everything else.

I get that I live with others and they all have their own things. Dad chewed my ear off for a good 1/2 an hour after I got out of bed, after we got home. Now my sister has come down and just making a heap of noise. I really just want to sit and watch a bit of Netflix before bed, having a procedure is a big day and really wears you out. Add to the pain that it has flared up, Im well and truely knackered.

I lost everything I wrote yesterday when I tried to post it, which is pretty annoying. Yesterday wasnt a great day, I really struggled to bounce back from the procedure well at all. I kept getting dizzy and wonky and I the pressure in my head thing was really bad last night, I had a couple of sleeps to deal with this alone. I spent most the day wanting to hide from everyone.

I got up a couple times last night, I got at one point and kept falling asleep at the table, my sister kept telling me to go to bed. I kept putting it off, after this smoke, this drink etc. I couldnt get the real reason out for some reason. I was in a fair bit of pain, mainly my shoulders and laying down kept making it worse, I just needed to sit up and have a break from the pain. I needed to give my shoulders and back a rest and the only way to do that was to sit up.

I went into town and came home and basially as I got out the car I was hit by the dizzy and wonky feeling. I got inside and did a coule things and sat down as I did I got hit but slight pressure in the head, both of which I still have. Im probably going to go lay down again and sleep it off. Ive got my GP on Tuesday so Im trying to hold out until then rather than go to ER. My back isnt gerat, primarily in the middle, like just between the bottom of my shoulder blades, in the centre, it feels like Im being stabbed. My shoulders are ok, the left one hurts randomly, it aches a bit into my bicep to my elbow.

I laid down for a couple of hours and got some sleep, I woke up and I wasnt dizzy anymore, the pressure has gone too, at least for now. My back pain was there but not too bad, I wouldnt be keen on doing a huge amount of anything upright. That would definately cause the pain to ramp up quickly. Spasms have been pretty intense, I woke up to my arm contracting from shoulder all the way down, it was really painful. Ive had a few spasms in my neck since I got out of bed (20 min). The longer Im awake the worse my back is getting, which isnt great. The left hand side of my mouth is really sore this morning, Ill be pretty happy when I can get into the dentist and get that looked at. Im not as flat as I was yesterday, yesterday I was like metal beaten microns thick. Today Im maybe a mm thick but still flat, Im really tired and Ive just gotten up again. Id be keen to go back to bed in the not to distant future.

I dont know why but recently Dad has taken to blowing raspberries at me, particularly as he walks into the room. I dont know why but it seems kinda rude, its a bit childish, like I dunno, a bit deeming. He's 67 years old and Im 43 it just, I dunno, its weird. I dont think I like it. Just say hello or something, make a normal greeting, worse still if thats all you get, a rashberry, just dont say or do anything, interupting for the sake of a rashberry is just weird and annoying.

In the past fortnight I have added nerve tension, teeth issues, pressure in my head and dizzy/wonky feeling in my head to the list of things wrong with me. I mean I have to have the conditions diagnosed properly and then of course start treatment of them. The nerve tension, I dunno if its properly diagnosed, can a physiotherapist make the diagnosis? I have treatment for it, though I do wonder if I actually need surgery on the left side, its really bad. Ill be talking to my GP on Tuesday about as much of this as I can.

I dont know if you can truely appreciate the struggle Im having with this. I have had set back after set back with my back, increasing pain, phenominal pain. It started with my sisters situation, then my back started, then my mental health started, then my back got worse and worse. Now there is nerve tension, pressure in my head, dizzyness and wonky feeling in my head. Then small things, like my teeth, opiod induced constipation, ER visits, sleep issues, eating issues, etc. It is one thing after another and often not minor things. This has been going on for like a year, I mean the mental health has been around for over a decade but the rest is around a year long, thats a huge amount to happen in a year.

I laid down for a while, I just spasmed, mainly my shoulders. Im really tired, really really tired, but the spasming stopped any chance of sleeping. I decided to take one of my night meds that should reduce the spasms enough and make me drowsy enough to sleep. Im in a fair bit of pain but not enough for me to take extra pain meds just yet, but it is getting close, the spasms really aggrivated things. I keep feeling really bloated, Im having pretty regular BM's but I think the same thing as last time is happening where Im not moving everything and Im getting backed up again so Im going to move to stronger laxatives to see if that helps, basically do what they got me to do last time just before I actually get properly constipated.

Im down in the dining room, which is where my tablet is set up. I have a seperate tablet playing Media. Dads cooking tea and my sister was talking to me about stuff and she keeps saying things to herself. It is so damn noisy, I can manage the media tablet but the cooking and carry on is so loud, banging and crashing, its rather overwhelming tonight.

Im waiting for the medication to kick in, it wont be long now before I go to bed and hopefully get some sleep. Im only taking the one med from my night meds at the moment so its not so quick to work, but once it does I should sleep for a while.

I got a couple hours sleep and woke up feeling really ill, really sick, so I got out of bed. I have a pretty horrible taste in my mouth and I feel really out of it. I feel incredibly spacy, like there are multiple of me existing at the same time, just slightly out of phase of one another and Im trying to make sense of all of them at once. I really dont feel very well and Im in a fair bit of pain, Im gonna have another smoke and go back to bed, hopefully I will feel better when I wake up. I woke up feeling out of it still, just not able to work out my left from my right at all. I had said something about a maccas run before I went to bed and my sister was on about it when I woke up, we did talk about it and I said that she would have to drive, there is no way I could at the moment, I can barely work out how to walk a straight line. I do, weirdly, feel like nuggets and Im out of iced coffee, Im not sure how I feel about moving that quickly though.

Im in a fair bit of pain, my shoulders arent great, my arms are really sore, my left arm is kinda cold and distant. My back hurts quite a lot as does my legs and feet. My sister and I went to macca and got something to eat, which settled my stomach. I could have chosen something healthier but I had a craving and I dont eat maccas much. My mind is still all haphazard and out of it, Im exhusted, I am gonna have to sleep soon

I had some more sleep, Ive woken up in more pain than before, my left shoulder is really bad as is my back. Im not comfortable at all. But I dont feel nearly as messed up mentally as I did, just tired, I feel really worn out. Ill be up for a little while and then go back to bed. I feel bloated and gross again.

I cant convey just how sick of dealing with medical issues I am. My sister asked if I was concerned about how I felt mentally earlier, I wasnt right, I was really having issues. I said no, then I clarified and said that I cant be bothered being concerned anymore. Seriously, I have so many issues, so many conditions that Im not interested in anything new. Something like that has to be slept on before I get overly concerned or do anything about it. I really dont need anymore issues.

A couple more hours sleep, I feel a fair bit more myself but still a bit not right, Ive slept on and off for close to 12 hours, I wouldnt be suprised if I end up back asleep soon enough though. Im still in pain and discomfort all about the place, the bloating is annoying. Ive got councilling today, I might talk about last night where there felt like hundreds of versions of me all existing at once and I was trying to process them all, I dont know what that was about but it could be a mental health thing, its about the only thing I can think it would be.

I just went into town like I normally do in the morning and again Ive gotten home and Ive started to feel dizzy/wonky again, I am 1/2 tempted to get my sister to take me to hospital this time, see how I feel in a little while. Ive got the pressure in my head thing again, I havent got a tempreture but Im really feeling the warmth. I dont really know how to put it, how to describe it but I really dont feel right, there's all the pain and discomfort but my head doesnt seem to want to process shit, pressure, dizzy, wonky, I dunno my brain is like a scooter engine has been put inside a V8.

I went and laid down again and woke up feeling a fair bit better, I still feel a bit of pressure in my head. My left arm is pretty average, the elbow is pretty sore. My stomach is still fairly crap, I finally went to the loo, its helped but not a huge amount. My teeth hurt a lot but I have a dentist appointment at 2pm so hopefully they will be able to fix me up. At least there will be one thing that can be fixed reasonably quickly. The dizzyness is hitting me hard at the moment, I can function I wouldnt say overly well but I function. Its really an unpleasant feeling, its not as bad sitting as it is standing/walking.

Ive got my councillor in a little bit, Im really not right mentally, its pretty frustrating, I just cant seem to get my mind into gear, its like everything has come crashing down around me. As if everything has all got too much, too overwhelming. I feel like Im reaching out to grab hold of something, anything and there isnt anything to there, its just empty space. All the medical issues are getting too much, constantly dealing with issue after issue has worn me out.

I had my dentist appointment, ended up with the start of a root canal. The local has worn off, I did expect some pain, but so far its been ok. I laid down for a while though I didnt sleep, my back is pretty sore. I dont really feel the best, I got a cough which was making things a bit tough to fall asleep. My stomach is hating me, has for days. When I got home from the dentist my Dad decided to have another winge about shit to me, I really didnt feel like listening to it but there I was, for like an hour. Soon after I woke up my sister got home, she had gone out while I was in bed, she seems like she is in an awesome mood so the next couple hours awake should be fun.

I think Ill have an early night again tonight, Ive got my GP tomorrow, so I really hope she has some great ideas, same with the pain specialist. Ive taken some of my sedating night meds and pain killers. The back pain is getting pretty bad as is my left shoulder.

I went to bed for a couple hours, I struggled to fall asleep but eventually I did. I was in bed for 2 hours. I woke up in quite a lot of pain, just everywhere. I dont feel sedated but Im out of it completely, the only thing I seem to be registering is the pain. My mouth hurts less but Im still getting sharp pains when I bite down. The pressure in my head isnt intense but its there with some force. Ive been sitting up for a while, about an hour. Im starting to feel really tired, my stomach is cycling through feeling rat shit and pretty average. My back and shoulders are in pain, more that Im dealing with well at the moment. I still feel really out of it, really lost.

I went to bed pretty early, I woke up a couple of times, each time I was pretty well out of it still. The last time I woke up my shoulder was incredibly painful, it was a weird feeling, I was spacy as they come and dealing with a huge amount of pain at the same time, it was odd.

Ive woken up this morning feeling reasonably ok. Im gonna go into town shortly and do a couple of jobs while Im feeling ok. I was in a fair bit of pain by the time I got home, I walked into Coles reasonably ok it didnt take long for me to be really struggling. By the time I got home my back was really painful, as was my left arm, Im finding it really painful to use. When I got home, I walked in and a few minutes later it was 20 damn questions from my sister as to what I was doing today. In the end I just said what do you want, she needs the car I drive, she hasnt asked if she can borrow it, just made it known that she will be using it around the time when I need it for my doctors appointment.

I laid down again but didnt settle, I just shifted from one position to another and got no where. When I woke up I had a message saying I could have an earlier appointment with my pain specialist so I sent a message back accepting but Im not if I answered in time, Im hoping I have. I got a call from him as I was writing this. Essentially Im on my own, he will see me in 6 months and he will probably try a nuropathy again but for now I stay on my pain medication they have me on which normally isn't enough to manage my pain and try to lose weight, how I do that when I cant move much I dont know. So he basically made it shit loads worse and then essentially bailed. Ive been feeling like I've been reaching out for something to steady me, some support that I can actually count on and I've just been getting empty space, this just confirmed that.

My GP organised a full spine MRI, I dont think they have ever done that before. The idea being that they are looking for anything anywhere that might cause or influence my pain. Also whis will help direct my GP to decide if I get sent to another pain specialist or a surgeon. The idea is that she is going to try and get me into a specialist spine centre that is multi disciplinary. I want somewhere that is going to look at both my spine and my muscles and its likely that this place will be the place for that. The shity thing is, its like Im starting again, but from a worse position, this last year hasnt just been a waste its made things so much worse. I have so much further to fight, just to get back to the pain I was in.

I spoke to my GP about my shoulder and what the physio had said, she examined me again (she checked me weeks ago) and she thinks that my nerve is impinged so Im off to have an ultrasound for that. Of course she got me to do some movements and stuff with my arm so that hurts like hell now. I just emailed my physio to check if I should continue with the excersises or if we should modify anything.

I laid down and had a sleep, typically they are 2-3 hours long but I slept for over 4 hours and would have continued if Dad hadnt come in for my sisters medication. Im still pretty dopey but Ill go back to bed shortly. My shoulder hurts a heap, as does my back and my neck. Im basically going to have some tea and go back to bed.

I went back to sleep for a few hours, again quite a while in comparrison to normal. I woke up in quite a bit of pain in my shoulder, its really painful. My back is pretty sore as well, laying down for as long I have is aggrivating things.

I have been going down and spending around an hour or so with Mum daily, we just talk about what ever. Yesterday, we got onto the topic of my Dad ringing my Mums sister and talking about Mum with her. Amongst other things Mum was annoyed that Dad was telling her sister what Mum was and wasnt doing and then her sister would have a go at her when they talked etc. There would be no discussion, no consideration of circumstances etc. She was pretty angry and mad about the situation. I pointed out that the same situation is happening and has in the past with her and my sister, with me. That she listened to my sister, made a decision based on that and enforced it without listening to me and my point of view. She didnt like that being pointed out but didnt argue.

I wish I could remember what it was, it sorta flowed on from the above but I also pointed out that stuff like this, the manipulation etc, is part of the reason why I feel like I have nothing and no one to hold onto when I reach out. I feel like Mum and my sister discuss my medical situations and decide between them how they will view and act regarding them, without engaging me. They do this based on their own limited information, no understanding of what I am feeling, they dont even trust me enough to believe that I am in the level of pain I say I am in. They determine their approach and impose it without any regard for my feelings and its not altered even with new information.

I went back to sleep and got a bit more sleep but I kept waking up because I moved my arm in some fashion that caused heap of pain, so much so that the pain would wake me up but I would wake up hearing myself singing out in pain. I dont think I was really loud, I didnt wake anyone up, but it was there when I woke up.

Ive had a pretty busy morning/mid afternoon, its 2:30pm and I have just had a chance to sit down and write. Im gonna write a bit and then go lay down for a while. I spoke to my financial councillor this morning, Ill be filling for bankruptcy in the next fortnight roughly. I spoke to my parents this morning and let them both know, I have assured them that I will be able to repay them what I owe them regardless of this. Im not telling my sister that I am filling for bankruptcy. I am just waiting on confirmation from my team manager that it will not affect my role.

I tried to get in touch regarding trying to get an appointment with the psychiatrist I want to see and again no answer on the phone so I have emailed them quite a direct email. I sent a msg to change my appointment tomorrow as well, its with a support person, Im hoping that she can help me apply for NDIS.

Mum and I spoke about my sister a bit, we talked a bit about Mum protecting herself more, I think she is allowing herself to be taken advantage of by my sister. I explained to my Mum that I dont trust my sister, particularly in relation to my health. She has been much nicer to me of late, appearing to be understanding etc regarding my pain etc. but at the same time she is winging to Mum about stuff that I am or am not doing, she complained about the way Im keeping the car Im driving, like I am able to just empty and vacuum it. But at the same time she is asking if I need help etc because Im clearly in pain. Its just dishonest, deceitful stuff. Its sowing devision. My sister has this thing that we are in some sort of competition for who is the worst off between her and I. She is also in competition for my Mums attention but anyhow, she has this concept that I have all this luck that things go so much better for me, I have access to different programs etc via work and utilise them where I can. I was to pay to help her, she refused to do her bit and I refuse to pay her out of my own pocket but Mum and I think she refused in some way to make things hard for me, like Mum and Dad would force me to pay anyhow. I dont understand what my sister is playing at, she blamed Mum for her attempt, said all these horrible things about her and now is her best friend again, there is something going on there and Mum is going to get hurt. She cant stand Dad again at the moment. She acts one way with me and talks about me to my Mum another. She is saying people owe her money with no evidence, just demanding it. Dad has asked for statements to prove what is owed but she refuses to provide them. She will have too soon or she will miss out there too because it will need to be included in my bankruptcy.

Mum said that my sister had told her how much she appreciated what she had done for her. My sister hasnt said or shown any appreciation to me, or Dad, for everything we did while she was in hospital. I said to Mum that I feel she doesnt appreciate me, the opposite she has an issue with me because I pulled back and stopped being her carer basically when she got home. I had no choice, there was a lot of reasons but if I had pursued that further, if I had tried to continue supporting her and dealing with my mental health issues and health issues, I would not be here and she cant seem to understand that. She is only capable or willing to look at herself, her situation, what she wants, what she needs, etc. She cant seem to see or appreciate my conditions, that my mental health issues are serious and are not being managed, that her situation was making it almost impossible for me to function and that my mental life was almost consumed by thoughts of suicide. She got home and got supports, she had support for her SI, I didnt, Ive been effectivly left to my own devices and she does not recognise this at all.

She talks so much, just crap, hot air, she is discussing the ins and outs of the something at the moment that she may or may not sell and why she would keep it or sell it etc. If it were just that all she had that would be one thing but she has rooms of crap, just sell it. Now she is on about cancelling an OT and ins and outs of that. So much is broken down and examined to every detail and still no decision is made. Just do something, seriously make a decision and do it, stop talking about shit for the sake of hearing your own damn voice. She is now having a conversation with Dad that we have had a number of times and still nothing has been done. Ill sit with Mum and we will talk for an hour or 2 and its a conversation generally worth being involved in. Dad just winges now, the same stuff, he doesnt do anything about it, he doesnt address anything, he just winges. My sister seems more interested in hearing her own voice than an actual conversation. So often she is talking about something that no one listening cares about and she doesnt stop. She is giving some water bottles she collected to be given to the homeless, I dont know how many times Ive heard about it. She spent a heap of Dads money on extra shopping and shopped at a different and often more expensive store for them. So it was not like it was financially an expense for her to get them and now she is making this song and dance about giving them to the homeless. If it were me, it would be unlikely that I would have said a word, I would have just done it, though I wouldnt have got all the bottles in the first place. Everything is broadcast, just dont, quiet.

I laid down for a bit, it was the first chance I had, had all day to do so, my shoulder was pretty damn sore. By the time Ive got out of bed my shoulder seems worse, I spasmed quite a bit when I laid down, which has become common when I am laying down during the day as I am not sleeping I spasm instead. The spasms are hitting my shoulders a lot which is obviously aggrivating them, particularly my left one. In the end I got out of bed because I was getting really agitated.

The shoulder pain is really weird, I cant say that if I do this or that it will trigger the pain or the different kinds of pain. Its not just like a stabbing pain in a certain spot, most the time I have a dull pain in my shoulder and often in my bicep. Then there just an intense pain in my shoulder, it like a great deal of pressure being applied to the top and front of my shoulder. Then there is what can only be described as an electric hammer pounding into my shoulder, the electricity can race down my arm to my hand, it can mean that my arm loses all strength and just drops briefly. I can get intense pain in my elbow, right in the bone like a spike is being hammered into it. I get slight numbness in my little finger and the one next to it. Overall my whole arm just aches and hurts most the time.

Im finding the development of my shoulder pain really hard to deal with. Ive had some improvement with my back pain, Im still in a lot of pain, if I try to do anything much the pain is immense. However it is a fair bit better than it has been. As thats happened the intensity of the pain in my shoulder has increased and now I am waking up hearing myself crying out in pain from my shoulder. Its a different pain, its not constant like my back pain was, but Im dealing with another very powerful source of pain. At least with this they can do a scan and make a diagnosis and determine treatment and its all relatively proven and straight forward. I wouldnt be suprised if it does end up requiring surgery, which will suck with the recovery but at least it can be fixed, unlike my back situation at the moment. The sucky thing with my shoulder is there isnt a pain management option, its nerve pain, its infrequent, I also take quite high levels of pain medications already so giving me more would be a concern.

Im kinda dizzy/wonky again, Ive got a kinda pain in my head as well. Ive been in a fair amount of regular pain in my shoulder today, pretty much since the middle of the night. Ive taken my sedatives and some extra pain medication so hopefully Ill got to sleep soon and the pain medication will limit the pain I am in for a while so Ill get a break.

My thorasic is in a great deal of pain, its less obvious as it doesnt affect my walking but it can be incredibly painful. I imagine that the flare up there is being caused by the shoulder situation. The thorasic pain does make sitting at my tablets really difficult and painful, I really dont enjoy sitting up when this is happening. This is where I get kinda, really, annoyed and frustrated with my family, Ive been in a great deal of pain for years, it has got worse recently but the pain has been around for a really long time. The big difference is that it affected my ability to walk, I was visually in a lot of pain, so all the sudden I was actually in pain, according to them.

I started feeling pretty down about my medical situation and was going to go to bed, I had been thinking about my debt with my sister. We are all waiting on her to give Dad statements to prove what I owe, and they owe as well. She has in my view refused to do this, so I went and spoke to Mum and gave her the option to talk to my sister again but if she doesnt do so in the next day or two, I am going to step in, give her 24 hours and the she cant make claim to me owing her anything as I need it settled for my bankruptcy. While I was in with Mum my sister interupted us, just walked in and took over, I asked Mum to bring that up with my sister as well, because thats just rude and disrespectful. Again, Mum will have an opportunity to resolve but if it happens again Ill be saying something myself. We spoke for some time on a range of topics but by the time we had finished I felt a lot better. One of the things we did talk about is that I am having trouble staying asleep at night still, but Im not able to sleep during the day. I lay down and my mind races, I think about treatment for my back etc. my shoulder. My finances. All the things that are stressing me out currently and Im not able to fall asleep. My future treatment for my shoulder in my mind is pretty straight forward, its either physio or surgery. My back however has many more potential options and outcomes. Will there be surgery, more procedures etc. Will they be able to reduce my pain, at least back to the level I was in prior to all this carry on. Am I stuck forever in pain on high dose pain meds that dont actually manage my pain. There is a lot that I am wondering with my back. My health in general. At night I have my sedative which overrides the whole mind going flat stick thing.

The uncertainity Im facing with my back issues is daunting. For so many years I was told there was nothing could be done for my back and I just had to deal with it. Then I get told there was a really good chance of being pain free, a lot of assurances that this is the direction we would be going only to be made so much worse. Now we are starting all over again, from a worse position. Am I going to be told again that there is nothing that can be done and Im going to be in the worse level of pain forever, am I going to be able to find a way to return to work, am I going to have surgery and will it work or cause me pain. The list goes on. Overall, how screwed am I. The way my life is going to go hinges on how things go over the next little while, my life could change for the better or stay or worsen.

I cant beleive how long I just slept, it must have been close to 7.5hrs straight. I did take extra sedatives last night as it was a bad night. I was still really tired when I woke up and in a bit of pain. I went into town and by the time I got back both my shoulders were really painful, the left being far worse and my back was also really sore. I was struggling to stay awake on the way home as well. Now Im home Im going to go back to bed and going to see if I can get some more sleep. Ive taken some pain medications to try and give my shoulders a break.

The pain medication hasnt done anything, but I did get some more sleep. I have an appointment in 30min, if it wasnt for that I would still be asleep. My shoulders hurt alot, to the point typing is a bit difficult. Pretty much anything I do aggrivates them and causes pain. Im really tired, I will probably go and see Mum after my meeting and then go back to bed.

I feel like I am failing to manage all the things I am dealing with. My medical situations are causing me so much difficulty, Im in so much pain all the time. My back causes so much pain and makes daily activities so difficult. Now I have these issues with my shoulders, again more pain, pretty much anything I do is painful, you use your arms and therefore your shoulders all the time. I dont just have difficulty sleeping from my back now but also from my shoulders. There isnt really any part of my body now not affected by serious pain, mostly severe and chronic. Almost every regular activity I would need to do is affected and increased pain is a result of doing them. My entire life is a balancing act, doing as much as I can while minimising the pain incurred or a calculation if I do this or that can I manage the amount of pain that will be incurred. I often have to make decisions as to if I can afford the pain that will be incurred by different actions, will I do my washing today? Can I afford the pain it will cost along with everything else I have to do for the day? Even if I get everything right, I might sleep wrong, I might pick something up wrong, I might sit in the car wrong, have to drive to far, the list goes on, all of which adds up to major back pain or even a significant flare up. Just using my arms causes pain in my shoulders, sleeping wrong means a really bad day and/or a really bad sleep. There isnt a huge amount I can do at the moment to minimise the pain in my shoulders, there isnt things to avoid etc, I mean the obvious do lift things that are heavy, but there isnt anything like dont move my arms like this or that. My neck hurts like someone has tried to snap it most the time, be it from my back or my shoulders. Im on medication for chronic migranes and headaches, hell even my legs have issues, they hurt most the time but one of my medications cause pitting oedema so I take medication for that as well. Now I have this pressure thing in my head and dizzyness. There really isnt a part of my body unaffected by pain or discomfort

My mental situation is a wreck, the more pain Im in the worse my hallucinations are. My depression is really bad, its probably as bad as its been ever, SI is horrible, its a daily struggle. Anxiety is high, I dont know how things will progress, what the outcome will be. Im finding talking about what is going on mentally harder, I feel like I am shutting down to protect myself.

Financially, well Im going bankrupt so that pretty much explains that. Trying to come up with the money for appointments, procedures and scans is hard. I have normal bills, I smoke etc, but I have no social life, I dont go out, I dont well anything other than medical crap. I looked at my finances and worked out I cant afford my medical expenses and moving out. Im trapt at home with my parents and sister.

I spent a lot of today in bed, Im in a lot of pain today. Im going to go back to bed in a minute and rest if not sleep. The pain is difficult to deal with today, it is most days, but I dont want to today, I want a break. But not only is my back aggrivated so are both my shoulders, so its just not a fantastic day. I laid down for a while but didnt really rest at all.

When I got up my sister soon after decided to go out. I asked where she was going, its good to have an indication as to how long she will be gone, all I got was "Out". If the roles are reversed I get shit if I dont tell her. She is asking what Im doing when Im walking around the house, what I getting when I go out etc. all of which will soon stop. The more annoying thing is then my Dad comes in and asks where my sisters gone, what shes doing blah blah. 1/2 the time he then goes on about why is she out again etc. It is something thats going to be really annoying now that my sister and I are sharing a car again, she goes out so many times, leaving me without a car. Its not for appointments, she is just in and out of town, for some reason she cant just go in once or twice a day.

Being in chronic and severe pain everyday and night is really taxing and I feel completely depleted. I did before my shoulders became such a massive issue. They have been problematic for months but in the past couple of weeks the left has become a major issue and now the right is following quickly behind it. Along with all the other "minor" issues like the pressure in my head, the dizzyness/wonkyness, headaches/migranes, leg pain etc. its way too much for me to handle. I went to the doctor the other day and wasnt able to get through all the issues needing to be discussed in a long consult. I have fortnightly appointments made for the next 6 months but I am actually thinking of adding more appointments for weekly appointments. But I feel like that is ridiculous. Im so tired of being in pain, so worn out waking up constantly through the night and in the morning in pain, spending my life in pain, being limited and restricted by pain. I cant even move my left arm without running the risk of massive, debilitating pain. Most the time I have trouble walking at all, let alone far enough to do grocery shopping etc. I sleep like shit most of the time, the only reason I sleep at all is my night meds have a sedative affect. Got 1/2 the time I cant go to the toilet without laxative assistance because of the medication Im on for the pain Im in. My day exists of watching media streaming, writing on here, a trip into town, laying down, appointments, procedures and a chat with Mum. It is a pretty crappy existance, I miss going to work, I even miss my chores. This pressure in my head thing is really getting to me, it can again, be so dibilitating, it stops me in my tracks.

I do try my best to not take all of this out on my family, I try to avoid having a poor attitude, projecting my anger and bitterness, being mad at everyone, just being a horrible person to be around. Im pretty quiet, I dont like to talk much, more so than normal. I am probably more direct than before and I take less shit, though I do try to avoid arguments more, I dont handle them well, I dont handle the emotion.