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Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor28 Mar 2023, 7:22 am AEDT

Malens Babble

I think Im starting to get a handle on the forum a bit more and figure that I could start my own thread for my babble rather than filling up the feed and others posts not get their appropriate time on the notice board.

Ill still post some stuff normal but most Ill post here.

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In response to: Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor31 July 2023, 3:59 am AEST

Re: It continues

Heres the list of what Im dealing with

Sacroiliac joint dysfuntion

Lumbar joint dysfunction

3 bulging discs

Scheuermann's Disease

Facet Joint Disease

Osteoarthritis

Multiple tight nerves

Migranes

Bladder Cancer

GORD

Hypertension

Asthma

Sleep Apnea

Restless legs

Bipolar 2 with psychotic features

Depression

General Anxiety Disorder

OCD

Complex PTSD

The first 6 conditions cause chronic pain, the sixth adds to the pain. The first one was treated with a procedure where nerve branches were burnt away, doing this revealed the second condition. We did a similar procedure on that however so far it hasnt exactly worked, though the tight nerves might be getting in the way of working out if it worked. I have another month to see if it works, it can take weeks for the procedure to work, if there is nothing by then, then they will redo the procedure. If they can sort out the treatment of the Lumbar joint dysfunction, then this should treat the sacroiliac joint dysfunction. Treatment of the lumbar joint dysfunction has to be repeated every 6-9 months. This means when the treatment wears off, I tell my specialist, who books another procedure. So there is a gap between the pain returning and the repeat procedure, meaning there is going to be a period of time where I am back in a bucket load of pain.

The bulging discs dont cause a huge issue in comparison to the joint dysfunctions, the same with schueuermans disease and facet joint disease. They all or some of them might become more prominate if the treatment of the joint dysfunction works but for now there is no issue.

The tight nerves are new, they are causing a lot of pain, I think its causing the pain when walking etc. Im seeing a physiotherapyist weekly and doing exercises to try and treat this. Im going to see a message therapyist in a couple days, doctor thought that this might might give me a break from time to time.

I was getting migranes reasonably often however I started a preventative medication which has helped stop them from happening as often, actually since it started working I havent had a single migrane, which I hope remains the same. A migrane would send me into the darkest, quietest room I could find. It would cause any light to be blinding and sound was deafening, both would cause incredibly sharp pains within my brain along with constant pounding pain.

Bladder cancer is more or less an inconvienience. It doesnt cause me any discomfort, it only affects my life when I have to have procedures related to it. Every 6 months I have a procedure to check if I have a new tumor. The scope would go up the hole to your bladder you didnt want to have anything going up. Until recently this has been done while I was awake but going forward Ill be put under for it. If a tumor is found then another procedure is done to remove it. This is the process while the tumor grade is as it is, if it gets worse etc then there are other procedures, possibly bladder removal etc.

GORD sucks, I take medication for it but it only minimises it not actually treats it completely. Generally speaking the medication manages things but often enough I get reflux so badly that the medication isnt enough. It can be really uncomfortable, I tend to drink iced coffee to calm it down but that doesnt always work. Im on the maximum medication for this so I have to live with what Ive got.

Im on medication for Hypertension, the medication has my blood pressure under contol but without it, it was very high.

I have asthma but no longer is it severe, its a lot better than when I was younger. Every now and then it flares up and it needs to be treated differently than normal. But its rare.

The area of sleep is a difficult one for me I struggle to maintain a regular sleep pattern, I have to deal with insomnia, over sleeping and irratic sleeping. I have restless legs which I take medication for, it helps but still doesnt stop me kicking and carrying on. Its better than it was before the medication, before hand I could move my mattress off the bed. I also have sleep apnea, I use a CPAP machine. Ive been on the machine for around 20 years. Dad has it as well, he has been on his machine for even longer. Im used to the machine, its a little annoying, the tube is frustrating as is the mask at times but without the CPAP I feel horrible and eventually it would mean Id die.

I seem to be fortunate that the medication I am on stabalise my mood quite well, so I am not subject to the up and down swings associated with bipolar 2, that said I tend to be on the down swing predominately which, while not uncommon, sucks. On the other hand my psychotic symptoms are more influential on my life. From hallucinations to derealisation and a heap of psychotic experiences inbetween Im rarely short of issues to deal with. If Im fortunate I do go short periods without any experiences.

Depression is probably the more impactful mental health concern I have, my feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, that I dont matter. As I said I have sleep issues, Im tired all the time, with very low energy. With regular suicidal ideation. It makes my days very difficult, it makes them quite miserable.

My anxiety is a bitch to deal with, not being able to deal with large numbers of people or cars. Feelings of overwhelming guilt with no cause, like Im going to get in trouble. Randomly being overcome by nervousness, racing heart etc. Every now and then I get severe pain in the middle of my chest.

OCD used to be a big issue, taking up hours of my day. I was treated with ERP and got a great deal of relief, so much so that I have little daily impact from it.

Complex PTSD is new and Ive not had any treatment yet. I do not totally understand the issue as yet or how it affects me. I know it does, I know that it impacts my decision making, I know that it affects my preferences like not wanting males to treat me etc.

Outside my physical and mental conditions my life is is very complex. My family life is less than ideal. I dont feel that I am well treated, that Im pretty well abused by my family. My sister has my Mum wrapped around her little finger, and manipulates her and what is going on as often as possible. There is a heap that has gone on with my sister, in relation to I dunno, I cant work it out. Financially, Im in a really bad way. Im not working, Im on SCI but I will eventually return to work. Everyone in the family is sick which makes things hard

Ive had a number of hours sleep, its now 2am. I feel pretty odd, I cant tell you exactly how I feel. Im still pretty tired, Ill go back to bed shortly. I had planned that I would go into shops when I woke up but Im not up for it at all. About all I want to do at the moment is go back to sleep. I stayed up a bit, well a lot longer and felt better. I ended up going to get iced coffee. Im going to go back to bed in a minute though.

I had a few hours sleep, I dont think Ill be up for a long time, Im pretty tired, my back is really bad, Im not sure what else to do other than to go to bed. Walking is less of a challenge and more of chore. I put it off as much as possible

I woke up feeling really sick, like I want to throw up. Like normal Im tired and really sore, my right shoulder is really sore. My lower lumbar on the right side feels like there is a really sharp stabbing. I have message therapy tonight, I really hoping it helps, I know its only temporary but a short relief is better than no relief.

Im really stuggling with the pain today, like being in pain. There is constant pain, pain that doesnt let up, that I somewhat am used to, its like Ive grown accustom to that pain, though it varies in intesity which makes getting used to it fully impossible. What causes me difficulty pain wise is that there is sources of pain that flares up randomly. Every day there is, what feels like, new pain. It certainly is new pain from the respect that it wasnt present earlier, like I went to bed and it wasnt there and when I woke up it was there. Thats probably the hardest pain to deal with, never knowing where the pain is going to come from. Its fresh pain, its like a new pain. There is never time to rest and recover from the fresh pain, let alone from the constant pain.

Being exceptionally tired doesnt help. It makes pain worse, just being tired, but it reduces your ability to deal with the pain itself. My sleep pattern is non-existant, I sleep for a couple hours and Im awake for a couple hours, after my night medication I tend to sleep for a few hours, its the most sleep I get in one hit than I get at any other time. At times Im up for more than a couple hours, particularly if I have appointments. But I dont get a solid 8 hours at any time, not even a solid 4 or 6 hours. So, I am pretty well exhusted at all times, Im forever really tired, which amoungst other things, makes dealing with my pain incredibly hard.

I went back to sleep, Im having a hard time with being tired today. I have spent quite a bit of time asleep but even when Im up after all this sleep Im ready to go back to bed. Its about all thats on my mind today. Ive got the message therapist in a little while, so Ive just had a shower, Im completely stuffed now and in so much pain, Im shaking again, I have to stay up for the therapist, but it is only half an hour, Ill probably go to bed when I get home or soon after.

I think my depression has gotten worse, which is why I want to sleep so much at the moment. The realisation that I cant afford to move out has hit hard, my medical costs are really high, that is the known medical costs, given my history I would expect them to increase. Had I had normal medical costs then I would be able to manage to move out, but there again, I would likely not be in the position I am now. I am somewhat resentful of my medical situation and the costs involved, so much of my money goes towards medical costs, just to maintain the status quo and the status quo isnt that fantastic. I look for ways to improve my medical situation, new treatments, different treatments but this cost money of course. Im not expecting a cure to my conditions, I dont see that happening but if I can improve my situation then I will. I have a lot going medically and I would imagine that there is plenty of cross over between medications etc which would cause different symptoms. So looking for the right combination is always a goal. That's where the new Psychiatrist comes in. But it all comes at a cost and from what I see it's my freedom. Moving out isn't an option now and while I'm feeling trapt at home now, I have to work my way through that and work out what my best course of action is now.

I went and had the message thing, I lasted 15 minutes, the smell, seriously the smell. They must have been burning like 100 different scented candles at once in a pretty small location. I dont think they know how to open a window. Im not sure one has ever been opened. After 15 minutes I was about to throw up and had to leave, I just paid and left. It took about 30 minutes for me to calm down. Just on the smell I wouldnt be doing it again but it didnt help, Im in more pain now than I was before, I know I didnt give it the full session but if it made it worse in the first 15minutes then I dont hold much hope for another 15 minutes.

I think the whole thing of boundries is going to have to be pushed, particularly when it comes to my sister. My sister pretty much does what she wants, she listens in on conversations through doors, tries to find my SANE posts, takes over the house with her stuff, projects in the kitchen, you name it. Mum is a close second to my sister but she doesnt leave her room and I can more or less ignore her and leave. Dad is pretty easy going and lets me be me for the most part. They have all done stuff which I consider abusive, Ive written about this before. Somehow Im going to have to deal with these things, Im gonna have to work with my psych team to learn to cope with.

I laid down a little while after I got home from the message, I still wasnt feeling well, laying down didnt help the situation, I coughed up a heap of acid not long ago. I havent eaten much today so Im going to try eating soon and see if it settles things down. Im in a huge amount of pain, I cant straighen up with any comfort, my shoulders and neck are really painful, even drinking is painful, it hurts to move them. I was a bit dubious about seeing a message therapist and I wish I had listened to that.

One of the boundries my sister is really going to have to abide by is her attitude towards my medical conditions. She isnt going to change her attitude but she needs to keep it to herself. I dont understand why she has the attitude she has, there is no facts based evidence to support her attitude and its simply impossible for me to be diagnosed with all these conditions, by medical professionals and suffer the consequences of the conditions without there being pain, mental difficulties and other physical issues. There is going to be issues with treatments, medication isnt always going to sit well nor is the mixture of medication, like today, physical treatments may cause issues. Sometime a flare up happens and that derails a day, it could happen at any point during the day which could interfer with my day or the day of others and its not lazyness. My sister is chronically ill, deals with chronic pain and sufffers from mental health conditions, while I dont like comparisons, the chronic pain she has isnt the same as what I deal with, just on pain relief alone I can tell that. However, she has enough experience with all issues to have an appreciation for my conditions. Given this her attitude confuses me even more, you would think she would be my biggest support, as I her but she provides the most opposition to my conditions out of everyone.

I went to bed, Im not sure what time but I got a solid few hours sleep. Ive woken up still in a great deal of pain but also I feel pretty lousy, different to last night but not 100%. I dont think Ill be up for long before I head back to bed. Im pretty tired, Im just waiting for me to be more tired than Im in pain. I wouldnt mind going into town but I m not up for it at all. I feel too crap just at the moment. I have the tax accountant this afternoon, so I am helping to feel better before then. Im going to be dealing with the pain, its probably going to be worse by the time I get there, its a reasonably long drive which I expect will aggrivate my back.

In response to: Re: It continues

ClockFaceSenior Contributor01 Aug 2023, 12:21 am AEST

Re: It continues

I keep getting a bad pinching sensation at the base of my lumbar, particularly when I bend forward. Im not looking forward to how I will wind up after the drive to my accountant, more so what Ill be like when I get home. Im hoping for a decent tax return this year, I need as much money as I can get hold of given my financial situation. Im reasonably keen to go to bed but Im having something to eat first. Ive had something to eat and wow do I feel tired now. Its hit me like a Mack truck.

I only slept a bit over an hour or so. Ive woken up even stiffer and in more pain than I was. Im really struggling with it all at the moment, its a bit much, being in pain all the time, being so stiff, being so limited. Just this trip to see my accountant is such a huge concern, its a reasonably lengthy trip to his place, far longer than I have driven so far and the distance I have driven is challenging. I anticipate that I am going to be in a fair amount of pain by the time I get to him, just as I am I feel so self concious, in even more pain, more debilitated Im going to feel even more self concious. By the time I get home, I expect to be in a lot of pain, thankfully I have extra pain relief that I can take. Though, I have my doubts it will be enough to overcome the pain in full.

I went into town, I went to the servo and got my normal but decided to get some more Poweraid. I went to woolies but they didnt have what I wanted so I went to Coles, where I got it last time. I was somewhat invested by this point. I went to pay and the lady who served me remembered me and asked about how I was walking, I explained about my back in brief. There goes the self concious thing, I hate having to explain why Im disabled, why Im walking they way Im walking. I driving home in agony, I had my morning meds pretty much when I got home and Im going to bed in a minute. I want some pain killers but my supply is limited so Im going to try and lay down first.

I laid down for a while, Im still sore but better than what I was. My hips are pretty bad, the rest of my back isnt too bad. Im really tired, I could quite easily go back to sleep, if it werent for my tax appointment and my stomach is pretty quezy

The feeling of self conciousness is one that bugs me a fair bit. At home its not so bad, I know Im being judged, I know that if look like Im walking differently, if the limp is different etc, then its noted and most likely brought up in conversation. While I know all that, I dont care, I dont feel like I have to actually prove anything to them, I dont really care what they think. Its different with people outside of home. Generally speaking my disability is invisable so about the only thing I get a weird feeling about is my disability permit, it doesnt appear that Im disabled at all, while I am in pain and I have a permit, I feel judged for using a diabled park.

In public and with people who know me, when my disability is visable as it is now, I become really self concious, as I say for much of the time my disability is invisble, so while Im in pain etc, Im not having difficulty walking. Then out of the blue I am stuggling to move, walking is a real difficulty and my disability has become visable. So there is an element of judgement that I have to deal with, people not understanding a dynamic disability. So you're very self concious, you're mindful of how you're walking, your limp, even how much you carry, while carring isnt too much of an issue for me most the time, people have an expectation that it would. Then there is the daunting task of having to explain whats going on when asked. From people you know to aquantencies. What to say, how much to tell them, what they need to know, how much you're willing to disclose. Today was a prime example, the cashier at Coles has served me on a number of occassions and is chatty and wanted to know why I was walking so odd, so I simply told her I had had a number of back procedures and they hadnt worked terribly well so far. I then get the unsolicited advise on dealing with back issues, people mean well, but Im not going to benefit from some generic sore back advise. If this or that worked for Great Aunt Ernie its unlikely its going to work for me if Im having procedures. I have my accountant today, Im pretty nervous, feeling very self concious. He hasnt seen me like this, few have seen me this bad. What he will say about my movement, the questions he will ask, the advise he will feel obligated to provide. The self concious feeling is not easy to deal with, you're in pain, you're struggling and you are so mindful of how you are presenting yourself.

Ive got to leave for my tax appointment shortly, Im incredibly tired. Im hoping that it is a quick appointment, he normally has a chat with me but Im keen for him to avoid this and just do the tax and be done with it.

I just got back from the accountant, $3k return which Im really happy with. Will be a good buffer for my income for a few months. The accountant let me know that I earnt more than $15k less last year than they year before. I will give it to my Dad and instead of borrowing money from him, Ill take money from the $3k. If I have to pay for another procedure this will cover that as well. Im absolutly exhusted after that and in a lot of pain, walking is really difficult. Im having a drink and a smoke and heading for bed.

Im so sick of my sister starting a conversation halfway through, its like she has had a thought, talked about something in her head for a bit and then decided to include you in her thought process. Then she gets annoyed that you dont know what she is on about.

I laid down for about an hour, I spent the first good part of it just being itchy. I didnt sleep, I laid there and rested the rest of the time. I dont really feel that well, I have an upset stomach. Im still pretty damn sore, my hips really hurt. Im going to sit up a little while, maybe have a shower and/or do my excersises. A shower sounds nice but I dont feel like being wet/drying off after it.

I have my councillor tomorrow, I had forgotten about it, Im pretty glad I have it Im really keen to have a chat to someone, its been a big week, with the realisation I cant leave home and my issues dealing with the pain.

As you would know the pain returned in a significant way recently, it happened after I saw the councillor last. This time it was after a perior of time where the pain was minimal, atleast a hell of a lot better, so again, things were looking up and I wound up in more pain. This time Im finding it really hard to deal with. I am a lot more restricted this time, like walking is a real issue and Im very limited on range. Im having really bad spasms or I was. Im on really high dose pain medication, as well as going through a fair bit of breakthrough pain relief. Im also going to a physio now, they have diagnosed multiple tight nerves. So this time I am in the most pain Ive been in, Im as stiff as Ive been, Ive got the worst spasms Ive had and Im having the most difficulty Ive had with walking. Dealing with all this is really hard, Im struggling with it. So having someone to talk to about it will be good.

Again she is unbelievable, I would rarely ask my sister if I can have some of what she has bought, like lollies etc. But everytime I buy something shes got to have some of it. I got some m&ms and I got are those for sharing, can I have some blah blah. She doesnt wait to have them offered and if you say no she keeps going until you just let her have some.

The problem with sitting at the kitchen table, with my sister across from me, is that she will have periods of time where she just talks. I just want to have Netflix or something going, it calms me, but she just talks and talks and most the time its just crap that no one is that interested in. She is currently on about her suicide prevention support person, her time with him is about up, so she has bought him a gift. You would think just something nice, small, but no she has got him a heap of stuff for his beard including a really good groomer. It must have cost a bit. Now its what Dad is doing tomorrow and the weather. Just shut up.

Ive been hit by another wave of just total exhustion, I think Ill be going back to bed to lay down again, I dont know if I will sleep as I didnt before but I need to rest at least. I laid down and fell asleep but I was only in bed for an hour total though I feel a fair bit better, I also went to the loo which made my stomach feel better. I might have something to eat shortly and see how I go. I havent gone and seen Mum today, normally I would when I have a shower, if not Id go down and see her but I dont know that I can be bothered. Its not that I cant be bothered with Mum, its partially the walk is a bit much, especially if she is asleep or decides that she doesnt really feel like talking to me, which is pretty common. The other part is Im not feeling overly talkative, I just want quiet, at most Netflix. If I feel up for a shower then Ill go down obviously and Ill say hello. I might have one Im really achy and it might help.

I went and had a shower, got out and had a chat to Mum, I told her about the loss in income and her response was that I need to go back to work. I can hardly move, Im in wild pain all over and yes lets go back to work. Not to mention what my heads like at the moment and that I am needing to lay down and often sleep every few hours. I think I just got over telling her that I was going to talk to the councillor about dealing with my pain. She then went on about me needing to lose weight, there is a possability that the procedure didnt work because not all the nerves were burnt, if I didnt weigh so much it would be easier for the specialist.

I want to go back to work, Im really keen for it but in my current state I couldnt do it. Im in too much pain, I need to have too many breaks and too much time needing to lay down/sleep. There is a good chance Ill need another procedure so Id need time off for that and my recovery. That doesnt take into account my mental state, I spend a fair amount of time wanting to or thinking about killing myself. My psychotic experiences are pretty common and not controlled. Atleast some of this needs to be addessed before I can start going back to work. I need to be able to atleast be managing my pain, so that its not a primary focus in my life. I also need to be in the process of dealing with the psychotic experiences, it would be good if they were being managed, so Im not having them regularly.

The pain today is immense, I really dont know how to manage it, how to deal with it, I just want to go to bed and ignore it. Ive taken my night meds, extra pain meds and some meds to relax me. I had tea, not a huge amount, but it was pretty forced, I feel pretty nauseas, I have for the past few days but I figured I best eat something. I think the nausea is coming from the pain, the amount of pain relief Im on you would think Id be dealing with the pain well, but no. Seriously, I would hate to feel what the pain would be like without the pain medications.

In response to: Re: It continues

ClockFaceSenior Contributor01 Aug 2023, 11:38 pm AEST

Re: It continues

I got a few hours sleep, though it wasnt very good quality, it was very light sleep and I woke often. The amount of pain Im in just made it really hard to settle and stay that way.

Im going to go into town in a bit, I need iced coffee and smokes, mainly I want iced coffee to settle my stupid stomach. Im tired but not tired enough to sleep. Im in pain but probably in less pain than I should be as Ive taken pain killers not that long ago. I went in, where I normally get the iced coffee was out so I had to go to the next town over, its not much further but it adds to the drive. By the time I got back I was pretty damn sore, my hips are hating me and Im really tired. Im going to have a drink and go back to bed, if for no other reason than to give my back a break.

I laid down but only managed an hour, I was really hoping for more. Im having less spasms but my right leg has started to shake uncontrollably at different times. Im really tired, I keep dozing off, I dont think it will be long before I go back to bed. I think Im actully falling asleep briefly.

Im having a hard time writing at the moment, Im really tired more than normal, Im sleeping more and even when Im awake Im finding it hard not to be tired.

I had my councillor today, it was a reasonable talk, but that was it. They are making changes to their service, changes that might see me stop using their service all toghether. I actually nearly slept through my appointment, my sister remembered I had the appointment and got Dad to wake me up. I had missed the first call but answered the second.

I went and got some of my medication, not all of them, it cost $250 and thats after I have reached my safety limit. I know I need all this stuff, I know my medication is important but the cost of it really weighs on me. Despite the incoming tax return money is on my mind in a big way at the moment. The amount I get income wise is quite limited and minimal, my expenses are higher and I dont want to be using money from the return if I can I afford it and I feel like I cant afford it. I have potential procedures coming up that I need to account for. Everyone wants my money for something, generally medical and its getting very tiresome.

I dont think Im going to go have a shower or go down and talk to Mum today, Im too tired and too depressed, I dont really want to talk to anyone. The pain, the sleeping, the money all of it is really getting to me today. I have done basically nothing today other than to sleep. I went into town earlier today, the chemist and had my councilling session, but that was it, the rest of the day was spent pretty much sleeping. While Im awake now, Ive just had my night meds so I expect ill be asleep again soon. Im suprised that my sister hasnt commented on the amount of time Ive spent in bed lately. While Ive been in bed a lot for the most part the sleep hasnt been ideal, its very light, I wake when I move which I do alot. I tend to lay down because its less painful on my back, laying down I tend to just doze off. Im not taking extra pain relief for bed tonight, Im going to see how I go, given how much sleep Ive had I can afford it. I dont think Ill be eating tonight, maybe Ill wake up during the night and have something but at the moment the idea of eating isnt appealing at all. My stomach hasnt been able to settle for a while, like for a number of weeks I have had quite bad reflux, a great deal of acid. Ive been using antacids along with my normal medication and iced coffee. Ive been eating kinda bland when I do eat, Ive been forcing myself most nights to have something, but tonight Im not going to.

In response to: Re: It continues

OwlunarSenior Contributor02 Aug 2023, 11:14 pm AEST

Re: It continues

Hi @ClockFace

I read some but not all of what you write - I am hoping that keeping your on-line journal helps - it's one of the reasons this forum is a good thing - a good place - to write your thoughts.

And why not - some people keep diaries - I guess your sister would find anything you wrote though.

Actually - I think about you quite often - your life is not easy and your family life seems to be a difficult situation - and hard to get out of. I don't know what to suggest though something needs to work out for you.

I am pretty sure a lot of your health issues are made worse by the constant friction and stress you experience. I don't know if you can get respite of some sort - ask one of your doctors - explain how tense you are and how you can't relax at home or get any real rest without a guilt trip from someone.

I'm sorry - I wish I could help - my own siblings are too toxic for me to interact with - luckily, they live nowhere near me and seem to have no desire for my company either. I am living independently with chronic pain - I have a pretty good idea about your facet joint issues at least - it's tough.

I can't imagine how things could get easier for you - still - I am letting you know I care.

Owlunar

In response to: Re: It continues

ClockFaceSenior Contributor03 Aug 2023, 1:24 am AEST

Re: It continues

My sister looks pretty down, Im not sure whats wrong. Normally, Id ask if she was ok, Id enquire if she needs to talk etc. I dont have that in me today, Im just, Im dealing with too much myself, I have too much on my mind. I think thats part of the reason Im so tired, Im so overwhelmed by all the stuff I have to deal with and it feels like all the stuff Im dealing with has intensified recently. Like one of the monsters in an 80's cartoon where it was about to be beaten and then grew in size and got bigger and tougher.

Ill get back to that in a sec. I laid down for a bit and when I woke up my sister had redone her side of the table and in doing so Ive lost some room, my screens are much closer. There isnt any reason in having a fight, she will have a justification for it and I just cant be bothered.

It like I have these huge blobby walls on all sides of me, think sponge bob square pants but massive, muscle/fat body, sponge bob on steroids. Just giant walls that are seeminly impenetrable. Walls of pain, tiredness, depression, finance. Im stuck in the middle of them and the walls seem to move in closer and closer. They lean over me menisingly, blocking out all light. I feel like I am so overwhelmed that I am being forced into a ball, that Im unable to move in any direction.

Ive been sleeping a lot more over the last day or so. Just writing the above took over 12 hours. Even when Im awake Im tired, so tired that I cant do much. I really need a hair cut and I have been putting it off because of the spasms but now Im so tired I dont know that I could manage a hair cut, its hard enough with the pain, being uncomfortable sitting etc. now being overly tired it makes it incredibly hard.

The overwhelming need to sleep all the time is getting incredibly frustrating. By the time I have woken up and got my bearings, unless there is something major to be done I am ready to sleep soon after getting my bearings. The passenger floor had some paper bags etc so I just cleaned that up, seriously the pain, there wasnt much to be put into the bin so putting it into the garbage bag wasnt a big deal but walking out to the bin and back has really messed me up.

My sister just said that she doesnt feel well, that she doesnt feel right. I really find it hard to feel any sympathy for her, there is the whole lack of anything from her for my situation. But its more so that she has had a chest infection for a while and still hasnt slept regularly, I think she has gone to bed once in the past few days and that was only for a few hours. I told her to go to bed and she said she might have to. She cant expect to feel well, get better etc. if she doesnt go to bed an get some actual sleep, if she doesnt look after herself. If she isnt going to do the basic things to look after herself, why should I have any symathy for her being sick?

I have one more thing I want to achieve at the moment and thats having a hair cut. Im not exactly up for it at the moment, I think Id struggle to drive in to town let alone have the hair cut. Im going to have a sleep and maybe Ill be up for it when I get up in a while.

I slept for quite a while, longer than expected, later than will allow me to go get a hair cut. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to have one tomorrow. If it werent for my alarm going off I would probably still be asleep. I think Im going to have a shower shortly

I wrote a complaint about the changes to the SANE guided services, I got a phone call a moment ago, Ive been allowed to have 10 sessions now. Its still not what we agreed but a lot better than what I would have had. They handled the complaint well, as I said the way they dealt with the implimentation of the change they didnt, not at all.

My sister has started asking what Im doing more and more. Normally, she wants to know the ins and outs of where Im going and what Im doing. It drives me nuts, she just needs to know how long Im going out for. Now, often when Im getting asked when I get up from the table she is asking what I am doing. I cant even go to the loo without her asking what Im doing. Its really frustrating, Im old enough that I can wander the house without having my actions questioned.

I had a shower and a chat to Mum, Ive wound up in a hell of a lot of pain, Im not sure whats made it so much worse but walking is even more painful than normal, sitting hurts pretty bad, Im going to have to go lay down soon, regardless if Im tired or not.

Mum and I talked about my sister a fair bit, Mum is finally starting to get pretty mad about the situation but feels like she is being held to ransom, in that if she doesnt do what my sister wants/says my sister will attempt again. My sister wants to borrow another $200 from my Mum but is also claiming Mum owes my sister more money. Mum said she isnt a bank, she is also sure that my sister is chosing to borrow from her because she thinks Mum will forget. I think its because my sister can pull the wool over my Mums eyes easier and berate her until she gives in and doesnt end up paying it back, where Dad keeps a record. My sister keeps buying stuff, just stuff, things to organise her diamond art and just stuff. I dont know much about her financial situation but if she is borrowing from Mum they cant be good, if they are that bad, stop buying crap.

She is out heaps, which does my head in that she asks me to get stuff from the shops for her when I go in, if she has been in or going in get what you need yourself. As I said to Mum, I do my own shopping, I get my own everything, I dont ask anyone to get anything for me, even the chemist I deal with myself. I do my own washing, I look after me. I do that so no one, particularly Dad has any extra things to do, he doesnt need to pick up my food, drinks, medication etc. He doesnt need to do my washing, for the most part Dad doesnt have to do anything for me, at least nothing extra for me because I am in pain. I might be in a lot of pain at the end of it and need to rest but I can deal with that. It doesnt however, leave me with the capacity to do extra stuff for others, particularly my sister, who asks just about every time. I dont understand why my sister cant do her own laundry, Dad does it for her, he is really sick, he has cancer and his blood pressure is incredibly high and she cant even do her laundry, let alone clean up after herself. She uses the kitchen as a shed and leaved soil and shit all over the bench and just leaves it. Plants are just left all over the place, drying racks are just full of her stuff, she does some washing and leaves it there for days and longer. Just feeding the dogs, its not a huge thing, but it would take a huge load off my Dad if she were to feed them for her. I had a couple of days where the pain was better and I took on the kitchen again, the moment I had some confidence I started to help and if there was something I could do now I would help. The best I can do is make sure Im not adding to what Dad has to do. Mum and Dad need to address things, get her doing stuff at least her own stuff as a start. Thing is if they address her shit, Im likely to end up in the firing line as well.

Ive been up for a while, a few hours, but more so I cant get comfortable, it doesnt matter how I sit I cant dull the pain at all, I just keep moving about. Walking is incredibly painful and Im even slower than normal. So, Im going to go to bed, Im not overly tired, the pain is pushing that aside but I need to take the pressure off my back.

I managed about 30 minutes laying down and just got frustrated as hell. I couldnt settle, the pain just won out everytime I got into a different position. Ill have some tea in a while and my night medication, including pain killers, hopefully that will be enough to put me over the edge and allow me to sleep. I just hope its not a start of me not sleeping again, of the pain winning over sleep.

Im using my arms more and more to help get myself around, just getting into bed is a challenge, Im literally crawling into my bed, changing positions means that I have to get on my arms to turn myself, sometimes onto all fours. I cant just roll over, my back doesnt allow it, it just hurts way too much. This is part of the reason Im in bed as much as I am is everytime I want to change position I wake up to do it. I dont get much choice, if I try like I normally would the pain wakes me up anyhow.

The pain at the base of my lumbar, just above my bum is intense, there doesnt seem to be anything I can do to minimise it. Ive taken my extra pain killer hopefully it will give some relief. Im so sick of having to take pain medication, having to monitor and manage pain with laying down and resting, if its not dealing with pain Im dealing with the mental health stuff. Im so over, like I dont know that I have the strength to continue trying to manage pain, mental health and dealing with the financial needs of both. I have to have breaks from physical activity pretty regularly which is fine but I have to fill that time a distraction or Im dealing with my mental health issues. Even if I do everything right I often end up in more pain than I can deal with along with that my mental health can flare up

In response to: Re: It continues

ClockFaceSenior Contributor03 Aug 2023, 1:36 am AEST

Re: It continues

@Owlunar

Thanks, its nice to know someone cares. Its hard when no one in your life seems to care, no matter how much pain you're in, how sick you are etc. that no one gives a crap. So having you say you care made me smile, it brightened my evening

In response to: Re: It continues

ClockFaceSenior Contributor04 Aug 2023, 12:21 am AEST

Re: It continues

I took my night meds and without warning I was falling asleep at the table regularly, my sister woke me up and told me to go to bed, which she has done in the past. I find that pretty entertaining given she falls asleep at the table more often than anyone. I think I try and stay awake because Im finally not in that much pain. Though I think I will go to bed soon, Im pretty tired. My sister has gone into town, I asked her to get me smokes and iced coffee, she was really not happy that I was asking her to pick something up for me. The attitude I get when I do ask her to get something fo me is pretty amazing, its really rare, Im just about out of smokes but probably not ideal to drive. Typically I would take care of myself but at the moment I really cant.

I slept for a while but I was up for a while and kept doing the dozing on and off thing at the table so sleep wise it wasnt great last night. Pain wise Im ok, well ok for me, I think the idea of getting my hair cut today is probable. I might have a sleep first then go have the hair cut then.

Another night where my sister didnt even bother trying to go to bed. I dont know how she does it, stay up for days at a time or why. It makes no sense to me. She does sleep at the table for a few hours at a time but I cant think thats very restoritive, I dont understand why she does that either, sleep at the table, just go to bed.

The pain is increasing and Im getting pretty tired, so Ill be having a sleep soon. Ill go for my hair cut after that, well thats the plan anyhow.

Some people say about all the pain meds indicating how good it would be but if only they knew. They suck, like hard core suck balls. If you weren't in pain maybe it would be different but being on them for an extended period of time, dealing with managing bowel movements or lack there of. How sick they make you feel, how flat, how bland they make you all while not actually resolving the pain fully. Maybe if it had no pain to fight you would feel a bit more trippy but when you have pain they are no fun. They are a tool and thats all.

I just got home from my hair cut, that was one of the least ideal things Ive had to do lately. I had some extra pain killers before I left to try and minimise the pain, I knew having a hair cut wouldnt be fun. Having to sit still for that long was pretty hard, I only spasmed a couple of times, not major ones. I had to put my head back so that she can do my beard, that really hurt, that was really unpleasent. Im basically having a smoke and going to bed for a while.

I went to bed for a bit, I couldnt get comfortable and even when I did lay still for a bit Id have spasms, I havent had ones like that in bed for a while, having the hair cut seems to have triggered them again which Im not so happy about. Im going to have a shower in a minute to see if that will help calm me down.

It didnt really calm things down, Im not sure about spasms though. I had a chat with Mum, she was on about me paying for damn hair cuts, cause she can do it she thinks she should and I can save money. She knows one cut, the cut I had since Ive had since Ive been a kid. She said given my finance issues at the moment that would be better. I would be in so much more pain if I got Mum to do it, it would have taken so much longer, she just moves my head about. Added to that, its $40 every 2 months, its not a huge amount of money. Mum did give me $100 cash, a real shock, she asked for my bank details, I asked her to transfer the $100 rather than cash. I asked why she was giving it to me and she shrugged her shoulders. I think she might have realised how hard things are for me.

Im really tired, I had some more pain meds a little while ago, I suspect that would be the cause of how tired I am. I havent slept since this morning which would be part of it too. I got a little sleep, took a bit to get to sleep but a did after a little while. Im still really sore, so stiff, its still really hard to move but I feel a bit more with it. Ive got physio in the morning so that will help out a bit. I also organised a doctors appointment for tomorrow to get more pain meds. Actually it hasnt taken long for me to feel worn out again, I could go back to sleep etc, Im doing the dozing off thing again.

My sister went out this morning, I have no idea where but she has been gone for hours. She keeps going out, I get that she has appointments but she is gone for hours longer than her appointments. She then comes home with all this stuff she had to have, stuff she has wanted to ages, it was on special etc. she is borrowing money from Mum now. Ive raised the concern that she is borrowing money from Mum with basically no intention to repay it because she cant afford to. She is on DSP so her income is really low. She has taken money from Mum already and now taken another $2k from her. But my sister keeps spending money without holding back from what I can see. Somehow she can afford all this stuff she is buying and there the amount she is borrowing doesnt keep up with that. Both Mum and I agree she has more money than she say, be it money for the house she is supposed to be getting or for something else. She has a new car and from what I can see she is trying to get as much money from Mum and Dad (and me) to set up a new life.

The pain killer has worn off, I got some relief for a while, I might have another lot soon. Im in a huge amount of pain today and Im not coping. Walking is really hard today, really really hard. My sister has been out most of the day she gets home and says about the dogs water, I was having a smoke at the time so I decided to finish that and then Dad decided to empty the dishwasheer, which means I cant get out. My sister comes back and has a go, I had a go right back. Im not here waiting for her command, the dogs arent going die of dehydration in a matter of minutes. I know she will winge to Mum about it. Ill explain to Mum if she actually brings it up. I am getting very close to talking to Mum and Dad and telling them that I will be telling my sister to just not talk to me anymore, just leave me alone. Im having enough issues as it is, Im having enough problems with pain that I dont need her attitude as well, I cant deal with it anymore. Im 43, shes not my Mum, shes not my Dad, shes not my wife, shes just my sister and I dont need her trying to command me as to what to do. I dont need her reporting to Mum about every little thing. More than anything I dont need her constant attitude. I was going to say that I know she has her own shit going on, but I wonder how much shit she actually does have going on. Like she is quite happy to point fingers at me and indicate that Im full of crap, that Im not as bad as I say, which would suggest to me that she would be willing to do the same. I mean its not something I would have really thought of myself, I wouldnt have thought to lie about my illnesses, pain etc, I wouldnt be able to keep up with it. But my sister thinks thats something I would do meaning its something she would do.

I went and laid down again, I didnt sleep, being able to actually fall asleep is pretty well impossible. Im just in too much pain to actually sleep, getting comfortable is nearly impossible, even with the extra pain killers. Im finding sitting more and more uncomfortable, I just dont know where to put myself at all.

Im not putting up with my sisters shit anymore, like nothing, Im not going to start a fight or anything but Im just gonna shut her down at every turn. I dont need her commentary, I dont need her telling me what to do, how to do it, questioning what and why Im doing etc. Im done with it all, she can go and winge to Mum as much as she wants. I dont need thinly veiled attacks that she then says is just her helping or giving advise. She can jam it all up her butt hole. I dont do much, I have a heap of conditions that amazingly I know quite a bit about and how to best manage them for me, I dont need her telling me what I should and shouldnt do for my conditions that she has never dealt with before. I dont need her telling me how its not as bad as I say, it doesnt affect me like I say etc. If I got a bit of support, if I felt like she was actually on my side even a little bit and that she actually did care then maybe I would be open to advise etc. But she is more interested in proving that she is worse off that I am, Im sure thats whats going on, that she wants everyone to think she is the sickest person in the family. I dont care if im the sickest, healthiest, in between, who cares, I have conditions that need treatment and cause limitations, a lot of limitations at the moment. I dont particularly want to spend the amount of money I do on medical stuff, Mum and I were talking about that today, she got a fair suprise when she found out how much I spend. I dont do that for the enjoyment of it thats for sure. I can think of so many other things Id rather spend over $1000 a month on. So to sit and say its not that bad, to question the validity of my conditions and my ability to do things you have no idea, like none.

Im getting kinda sick of sitting watching Netflix, I dont do much normally, at least for a long time because of the pain Ive been in. But Id do bits and pieces, I had my chores and work. Now I have nothing but Netflix and writing. I go into town most days, I have appointments etc, but I dont get out. Im stuck at home, with little to do, other than to suffer in pain, to fight my conditions. My life seems consumed by medical conditions, I am just going from one appointment to another, one procedure to the next. In between its some excersises, lots of medications and heaps of waiting.

In response to: Re: It continues

OwlunarSenior Contributor04 Aug 2023, 11:27 pm AEST

Re: It continues

I am glad I could help get a smile on your face @ClockFace -

I am pretty sure other members do too - perhaps they don't know what to say - I am not finding it easy either - but hey - it's not about me - it's about you.

Really and truly - I can't see a way out for you - I have a sister who is a control-freak - we have that in common I am sure - it's toxic - your sister and mine are toxic.

I am independent of my family of origin - actually - many have died off now - which is normal - still I doubt I will ever make it up with my sister - there's too much water under the bridge.

But your sister - she sounds rude and inconsiderate - a real attention seeker - one could ask how much is caused by her MI or is she just manipulative?

I tagged you into my thread - I have chronic pain too - so we have that in common - also I have had facet joint injections - I totally understand that.

And true - we cannot compare ourselves to other people - though your sister seems to think she is worse off - she's not - there's no way of telling the story of our pain or other negative experiences - other people have different backgrounds and experience everything uniquely.

Thinking of you always

Owlunar

In response to: Re: It continues

ClockFaceSenior Contributor05 Aug 2023, 4:12 am AEST

Re: It continues

My sister just went a bit nuts because Dad put the loaf of bread bought yesterday in the freezer, I agree with her, but the way she carried on you woud think Dad had put sugar in the gas tank of her car. With everything I deal with, the pain Im in, bread being frozen just doesnt seem to rate. I dont understand why such an overreaction to the situation.

I took my night meds a while ago, they are certainly kicking in, Im well and truely ready for bed. I ended up having trouble actually going to bed. The idea of walking and getting into bed put me off going there. I eventually did go to bed and I got a little sleep, Ive got physio this morning then Im going to have a nap. Im not getting a huge amount of sleep again lately. Im in a lot of pain again today, Ive got a huge amount of pain in my left hip, its going down my left leg and up my left side of back. One of the dogs has pooped in the kitchen, normally I wouldnt think twice about cleaning it up, I meanI wouldnt have been overly happy but it would be done. But I cant do it this time, the strain on my back, the pain it would cause to do it would make it way to impossible for me to do it.

I had my physio appointment, there has been some improvement in the range of motion. He is not expecting that there will be any pain reductionfor 4-8 weeks even with improvements in range of motion etc.

I slept for a while when I got home from physio, I managed 2 or so. Since getting up I keep dozing off, I did this this morning as well. When I get home this afternoon, Ill go back to bed. I dont feel overly tired but I must feel tired givien Im dozing off.

Pain has seemed to calmed down since having physio, even my neck and shoulders dont seem so bad and he didnt touch them. Its nice to have a bit of a break but I do expect that it will wear off after a while. I really just want to get the GP out the way and finish the day, Im pretty over it, I just want to be able to sleep, without having to be awaken for an appointment or something.

Shockingly Mum didnt transfer the money she said about, but that said she did try to give me cash. The money would/is going to be really helpful but its more so the offer being made, the recognition that I need help and it would be nice of her to help given the circumstances. She also said she was going to speak to my sister about money etc. but I dont think that happened either.

I got home from the doctor, he fixed up the lump and I got a script for pain medication. Im really very tired now. I sat down and my sister started on about this thing she was trying to do, I think it was an extension of the present she has bought for her support person. She told me all about it and her options and then the famous question, "thoughts?" I dont know what she wants from me, I really dont. She asks me knowing full well I have no thoughts or opinion, if I had any I would have expressed them. She does this shit, the "thoughts?" question and it sparks hostility basically every damn time. Just because she is doing yet another project and its important to her doesnt mean it means a thing to me, tonight it means pretty much nothing to me, Im not being rude, its just Im tired, in pain etc. but really its a project you're doing for you're support person, there is no bearing on me, no value, also I think its a waste of your money and you shouldnt be doing it. But in general I dont have any thoughts, stop pressuring me to have thoughts about something I dont have any about or am interested in having.

I laid down and got a couple hours sleep, I would still be asleep if it werent for needing to pee. When I came down I grabbed my drink from the fridge and my sister asked me if I could get the dogs in, I was so stiff and was having such difficulty that I said I couldnt, Id just be making it to my seat. Which Im glad I did because the dogs were a pain to get in. But they would have been barking well before I came down so she should have got off her arse before hand and dealt with it. I went to bed feeling pretty loose, pretty ok, I was in pain but not that bad. Ive woken really not good, Im in a lot of pain this morning, I feel like my whole body has just tightened, almost compressed. Moving, any moving really hurts, I really dont know whats happened.

I was going to have words with my sister when I woke up, just before I went to lay down she decided to carry on about the toilet again. But given the amount of pain etc I am in, I dont know I could properly control myself when talking to her. Before she went into hospital there was a huge thing with my sister carrying on that there was pee being left on the toilet seat, shit stains etc. I was the one blamed for this, despite denying, confirming that the seat was spotless everytime, it was constant, no matter what I said or did she didnt stop saying there was an issue. For the whole time she was in hospital there was not an issue, even when she came home for a while there wasnt an issue. Randomly one day she said something and I shut it down straight away. She decided to say something again today, at the time I was too tired to do anything, I wish I had but it wouldnt have gone well at the time. As I say I dont think now is the time either, Im trying to maintain myself and I think there is a good chance that Id go off the rails and say something I dont mean. If she brings it up again I doubt Ill be holding myself back.

The amount of pain Im in is incredible today, the only thing I can put it down to is the physio today. I just walked to my room and back and I was nearly in tears by the time I got back. Ive had some more pain killers, Im hoping that calms things soon. I had my night meds at the same time as the pain meds so hopefully it wont be long before Im ready for bed. Im tempted just to go to bed as I am, Im finding sitting really painful, its hurting my hips a heap and my lower back. Its amazing how much pain walking causes my thorasic, I get the lumbar pain but every now and then when its really bad the pain hits the thorasic as well. I might try later tonight/tomorrow morning but I have no appitite tonight, the pain is just overwhelming everything. I cant concentrate because of the pain, I was going to enter the appointment times for the next block of GP appointments, I got the clinic to book 12 fortnightly appointments for me this time, much easier, but I cant focus. Im pretty well stuck on going to bed.

The local wore off a while ago, the pain isnt so bad, every now and then I get a sharp pain but its not overly painful, I did expect more discomfort than Im in, so thats a good thing.

In response to: Re: It continues

ClockFaceSenior Contributor07 Aug 2023, 12:34 am AEST

Re: It continues

I ended up in ER last night, they gave me some meds which did help in the end. Im in a lot less pain than what I was. I got a few hours sleep, I could do with some more. Im going to go into town to do a few things and then go back to bed for a bit longer. I have really sharp pain inbetween my hip and spine on my right side.

I just drove into town, that wasnt fun. I was going to go to the shops as well but I got to the servo and that was as far as I managed. I was on the way home and I got a call, I had my phone on my seat so I couldnt see who rang but I was almost 100% sure it was my sister. I got home and she was home and I said that I assumed it was her who called and she said yes. I asked what she wanted and she said she wanted to know where I was. I asked why. She mumbled something back. She had gone out before me but every day not long after I wake up I go into town and get my needs for the day, every single day. So it would be very safe to assume thats what I would be doing. Besides that, why the hell do I need to report my where abouts to her, if I was going to be gone for a long time I would let someone know, I always do but its a really rare occurance. If I was going back to hospital I would let someone know. The fun thing is she doesnt tell people where she is going, most the time she will tell people she is going out, but we have no idea where or for how long. She thinks she doesnt need to let people know because of her age but she expects it of others.

I went and laid down again, I got a few hours sleep but I woke up to pain again. Not as serious as last night but its still pretty unpleasant, Im not in a fair bit of pain. I hate this, I hate waking up to pain every time I open my eyes. The pain is just getting worse the longer Im up, its not like yesterday, its more intense in defined regions, primarily my lumber back, not suprising as this is where dysfunctions facet joints primarily are. Im finding easier to move, walking is still difficult but much easier than yesterday and getting in and out of bed is so much easier. I dont have much energy today, it was a late night. Ive had some sleep but its not been consistant. A couple hours here, a couple there. But I think its more so the medication last night, its just wiping me out. That said, I havent slept well, well worse than normal, for a few nights sothat will have me pretty worn out.

My sister has decided to sleep at the table yet again. She has the split system going and a big blow heater going, its boiling hot. We've turned off the split system off which will be an issue when she wakes, especially given Im going to bed again. There really isnt any need for every damn heater to be going. It really ticks me off, Dad and I have t-shirts on cause we're both hot and she is putting on more heaters and increasing tempretures. Theres no regard for how the rest of us feel.

I got up from yet another damn nap and my sister was asleep, she woke up and I got a heap of questions fired at me, my favourite of course being what are you having for tea. Who cares what Im going to have for tea, Ill eat something at some point, I almost always do, if I dont its ok, Im a big boy I can make that decision. Dad and I were talking and she walked in and just started talking to him, she does it all the time, it ticks me off. She has no consideration that other people are engaged in activities while she isnt around, that others might be having conversations etc. Again its the attitude that she is the only one that matters.

Ive just realised that my shoulder pain has gone pretty much as well, they were incredibly painful last night, almost to the point that I couldnt use them.

I started having audible hallucinations yesterday afternoon/night, I think it was due to the amount of pain I was in. They werent horrible, just music/old school radio, its not like disturbing, its not pleasant, it just is, but it is a warning that things arent going well, that I need to be wary of further upcoming psychiatric experiences.

I got up and had a shower, had a chat with Mum. My sister had gone out by the time I got out, again. By the time I got down to Mum my head was swimming, spinning and really hard to focus. Its not as bad sitting down. Im not sure what the go is, I havent missed medication, Im not even due for medication yet.

Im having my medication early tonight, Im hoping that it will stop this weird feeling in my head, its really getting pretty hard to deal with. Im not sure its a medication issue or a back issue, as in nerve issues going to my head, I was having pins and needles in the back of my head last night so it might be something along those lines, but I dont want to jump to conclusions. Im gonna wait for the medications to kick in and go to bed, Im not even sure that Im gonna last that long

I didnt last long at all, like 10/15 minutes, I got a couple hours sleep. My head has cleared up a bit, though I have the side affects of the night meds happening which means Im fairly drowsy etc. I think Im going to be having something to eat and going back to bed. Im not hungry, more so I feel like I should eat. I dont eat often or much so I kinda figure that I should have atleast my tea, have something worth while. I often have a donut in the morning, so a donut and a single serving meal, well most of it, thats it for the day. A lot less than what I used to eat.

Seriously she can talk, the amount of crap she goes on with, the questions asked. Everything is so intiquite, its so detailed. Like a 1 sentence scenario is a full on conversation. She questions everything, she has to "understand" everything. Last night I took myself to hospital, its not the first time Ive done it. My sister asked if I wanted her to take me, I said no. She didnt understand how I could take myself blah blah. I can drive myself to the shops, I can look after myself at home etc. but she all the sudden has an issue with me driving myself to hospital, because she didnt understand.

Ive been up for a little while, Im getting really tired again, I just had tea, once that settles Ill go back to bed. Pain is getting worse, I have a lot of pain in my left shoulder b!ade.

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