Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor28 Mar 2023, 7:22 am AEDT

Malens Babble

I think Im starting to get a handle on the forum a bit more and figure that I could start my own thread for my babble rather than filling up the feed and others posts not get their appropriate time on the notice board.

Ill still post some stuff normal but most Ill post here.

562 replies

31 - 40 of 562

1...3 4 5...57

In response to: Malens Babble

ClockFaceSenior Contributor02 Apr 2023, 2:44 pm AEST

Advocating for anxiety

Im so sick of advocating for myself, like in public it sucks, I shouldnt have to justify the things I cant do. I am in my early 40's and have had a Disability Permit for a decade. The number of people who have glared at me for using a disability park, Ive had a few approach and verbally abuse me.

My family is a different level, every aspect of my physical and mental disabiliities is challenged constantly. I have to be careful of my back, so lifting things is not a good idea, even light items repeatedly. I dont walk much, walking for any real distance hurts. I dont do well in crowds and driving with large numbers of cars, multi-lane especially. I can handle 2 lanes but more than that I really struggle. So I compenstate, I go shopping early in the morning, I avoid going into the city unless for medical reasons. Yelling, fights, discord, confrontations all bad, I am just waiting for it to be directed at me. I will stand up for others but I dont like it, I tend to shake like crazy in all these circumstances, especially if directed to me and I get involved. I will get my grump on and stand up for myself (and others) its just not a pleasant experience. I like cops shows, Facebook watch has them almost continually on my feed and Judge Judy but there are times where I cant watch them because they are too argumentity and I get anxious.

There is a lot of other things that I get anxious over but they are the main ones.

My main one is to grit my teeth and just push through, shaking, heart pounding etc. Just deal with it.

Often the above turns into a panic attack and then there is nothing I can do. I dont know how to deal with them. I just let them run their course and then stop what ever was happening. Panic attacks are common at bed time (tactile haullucinations happen in bed)

I then have to advocate for my few ways to manage my anxiety. I mean first and foremost I avoid the things that cause anxiety. If I get anxious, music is my go to in most cases. Loud and obnoxious is generally they way, I use it to drown out the screaming in my head but also to drown out the anxiety. I sleep with music as it quitens my mind but it helps reduce the anxiety I get going to bed (tactile hallucinations happen in bed).

Smoking, not neccessarily a positive one but I smoke more when Im anxious.

I do wish that I could cry, I think that would make me feel better when anxious. Like at the moment Dad has brought Mum home and they are in her area for some time. I know they are fighting, Mum wants Dad to buy something off Buy Swap Sell and Dad doesnt want it or wants to go get it. So fight. This means Dad will come down mad or mad and having to go buy something he doesnt want.

Ringing SANE or similar is another way for me to deal with anxiety.

Writing on the forums is also a big one

Medication is a big one, I have an allowance of 2 a day but I will be discussing other options with the new psychiatrist.

All of these ways gets comments, gets road blocks. Even ringing SANE, I have to find somewhere private, that I can smoke which is on the back porch, but a) its often cold b) Dad still comes up and you have to tell him to bugger off

Anxiety sucks, like many I get far more than my fair share. I have some methods to deal with it, Ive heard of others but they dont work for me or they just seem to be to 'feminim' for me to do. Im not against feministic things its just, I dunno, its something my sister could do but if someone saw me doing it I would be ashamed and embarrased. I suppose Im somewhat ashamed of my anxiety or mental health in general. Its not accepted in my family and society doesnt either. My family doesnt respect anything that I suffer from that may impact my ability to do stuff for them.

In response to: Advocating for anxiety

ClockFaceSenior Contributor02 Apr 2023, 5:43 pm AEST

My Dad's a bit of a tool but he tries

My Dad and I dont see eye to eye on much, he irritates me no end and his mind, oh his mind, it doesnt really follow any kind of logic but he keeps trying.

I had surgery, I dont know about 10 or 11 days ago. My recovery time was supposed to be 48 hours, its now looking that I lucked out and got the 6 week version (it sometimes happens apparently). So Dad has picked up my chores, which I am slowly picking back up again. He makes sure Im ok, has taken me to appointments and generally helped me through this.

Mentally he doesnt get it, but he is helping me financially while Im off on unpaid leave.

My Mum doesnt participate in the house at all but was recently in hospital, he would go and see her, take her what she needed, spend time with her etc. They are seperated under main roof. She berreats him continually, cant say a positive word to him, just wants him to do stuff for her, buy stuff, build stuff etc. While she was in hospital he was to clean her room, including washing her bedding and remaking her bed and defrosting her freezer.

Her area is all set up for her, its the main room of the house with a large ensuite. She has a small fridge and freezer, a little kitchenette.

Dad takes all her food down for her, anything she wants. He cleans out her fridge cause she lets her food rot. He brings her dishes back. Pretty much anything she desires

He has picked up where I have dropped off with my sister, he goes down to see her every couple days, taking everything she has requested for that trip and that can be a long list that can be quite complicated to put together often needing quite some time on facetime

I cant vacuum and I cant do too much washing so Dad does that. He is looking after the kitchen too while I cant. Toilet and bathroom, he deals with as well. Ask my sister/Mum neither Dad or I do a good enough job of any of it, that said we had professional cleaners come through at one point and that wasnt good enough so you know. Added to which you're not doing it so what right do you have to say shit.

He says and does a lot of stupid shit, as much as he can he is outside doing something, no one is ever really sure what. But boy does he try, he really tries.

In response to: My Dad's a bit of a tool but he tries

ClockFaceSenior Contributor02 Apr 2023, 8:56 pm AEST

Expletives are 'bad' words the filters dont like

Im about to **Expletive** explode. My life is shit in every aspect and in every manner how the **EXPLETIVE** are breathing excersises supposed to help. I mean I need real answers. How do I actually support my sister without completely loosing it myself. Now that I have lost it, how do I get it back?

What do I do about money? Its cost me heaps to be sick! I owe my sister and Dad heaps for helping her and being sick as a result. How do I fund that? That doesnt take into account the money ive borrowed in the past, again primarily cause Im sick? That I am dealing with a Financial Councillor but he seems to be out of ideas. How do I keep affording my medication and therapy. How do I now afford a psychiatrist on top of it all.

How do I get to have a life worth living if all my money, time and resources are spent of being, minimising and treating being sick?

Breathing excerses dont cut it. Talking to people doest cut it. All it does is distract you for a moment from the shit storm that is your life. That doesnt even touch on the other life you lead the one where there is screaming in your head, people spying on you, people out to get you, different worlds and this one isnt real or the people in it. Where are the answers, I dont want another platitude I want an answer.

I do not mean this as an attack on anyone here, or anyone in general but tonight Im at my witts end (again not a suicide reference)

In response to: **Expletives** are 'bad' words the filters dont like

tymeModerator02 Apr 2023, 9:14 pm AEST

Re: Expletives are 'bad' words the filters dont like

Sorry to hear @ClockFace . I'm hearing you. I really am.

In response to: Re: **Expletives** are 'bad' words the filters dont like

ClockFaceSenior Contributor03 Apr 2023, 4:15 am AEST

I cant call Rural and Remote

Last night was a particularly bad night, my anxiety was off the charts. I rang Beyond Blue and they wanted me to call the rural and remote triage team. I couldnt bring myself to do it. My Dad has said that its no good getting my sister home for me to end up in hospital. I have been caring for my sister for a few months now because there hasnt been anyone else to do it. My Dad would visit but thats different to caring for her.

Ive pulled back on what Im doing with my sister but still involved. My Mum has been in hospital for a while for what turns out to be over use of pain medication.

Im just recovering from a psychotic break, I feel like that it wouldnt take much for me to have another one, like another one is right around the corner.

I feel gross but showering is an issue, Im showering if I have an appointent, like I got to do a medical test but not always. If its been a day or so then I wont. Normally Im managing to shower once maybe twice a week. Im finding eating hard, like I manage to eat lunch and tea, lunch I force myself but put off as much as I can. Tea I have to eat for my medication but again Im putting off as late as I can. Im not sleeping well, Im generally getting 4 hours sleep but got 6 hours tonight. If things permit I might take a nap but its unlikely.

I feel like if I can hold out to speak to SANE ill be ok. I have my GP on Tuesday. Im trying to get into a psychiatrist. Im getting a new psychologist.

Im scared to call rural and remote incase they say hospital. I cant go to hospital, its not an option

In response to: I cant call Rural and Remote

ClockFaceSenior Contributor03 Apr 2023, 1:36 pm AEST

Re: I cant call Rural and Remote

Im not doing well today, everyone seems to want more than I can give. Dad wants me to go back to work. My sister wants me to be a **Expletive** delievery service, despite my pain, Mum wants me to comfort her for her bad decisions, Ive made enough of my own continually.

I have nothing, Ive lost everything. I once had a business. I lived out of home, so independance. A nice car, not new but nice. I had friends (granted there was conditions), I had a social life (again with conditions), I was being promoted at work, just into the role I had been seeking for years.

I had a brief psychotic episode and I lost my business, I got brought back home, my car got old and died, my friends left, no social life and I was demoted into a less stressful role. I know have Bipolar 2 with Psychotic Features, my back has increasingly gotten worse, I now have the ejoyment of bladder cancer, Anxiety through the roof, Depression thats just getting worse, Im being investigate for heart diesease, I hardly sleep and a host of other medical issues, now needing 27 different medications a day to continue.

I am unable to work at the moment cause Im having psychotic issues, resulting in a psychotic episode. Im worried about having another or more so I am reliant completely on my Dad for my financial needs, but somehow I will have to repay him. My spinal procedure recovery isnt going to plan, what was to be a 48hr recovery is looking to be a 6 week recovery. I cant get into the new Urologist until the 22nd May. Im still waiting for my appointment for the Psychiatrist, its not until after that that I can sort out a Psychologist. Its gonna take a month to get the results for the heart disease test. I have no car, Im driving my Mums. I live with them, I have a room with enough space for my bed, cupboards and draws. Im writing this on my tablet (a good one from better days) and watching TV on an average tablet at the kitchen table. I sleep with a CPAP. Im wildly over weight, despite efforts to drop weight, I have more boils and acne than 3 oily teenages combined.

Before all this I was financially screwed, now I dont have a way out of this hole. I will most likely, almost positively have to apply for bankruptcy. Which will really tick my Dad off. Medically, Im just getting worse, one thing gets treated 3 arise. Im 43 and this is not where I expected my life to be.

This doesnt take into account my sisters, Mums and Fathers situations, all of which I am somehow supposed to just deal with, in some circumstances Im supposed to help manage or be care giver for.

Im not after a life of sunshine and roses but something that has something worth living for in it, something of beauty, I want some, even a little bit of joy.

I will say as Ive said before, Im not suicidal. I just no longer want to live this life of pain, sickness, blandness and lacking any joy.

In response to: Re: I cant call Rural and Remote

ClockFaceSenior Contributor03 Apr 2023, 1:44 pm AEST

Re: I cant call Rural and Remote should have been named something else

I think I own more in medication and medical devices than I own of anything else. Not to mention that once I start paying for a psychiatrist as well, I will spend more on all things medical than all other bills combined.

In response to: Re: I cant call Rural and Remote should have been named something else

ClockFaceSenior Contributor03 Apr 2023, 3:45 pm AEST

PAIN

Ive got an appointment with a GP at my clinic, fortunately they keep some emergency appointments and know me well enough to let me in on them. I have to hold out for 2 hours for the appointment and however long to actually get the meds and depending on what meds they let me have Ill have to wait to get home, which will suck.

I was on something nice and strong for a while. Then we reduced it, at my request, to something less strong. Then I ran out over the weekend, I was going to try and hold out until my appointment with my normal GP tomorrow afternoon, but I cant, I am in so much pain. Its not an intense knives or daggers. I have a pain like a flaming sword rammed up just above my butt crack (sorry) and like a horse, a big horse has booted me in my lower back. It is kinda intense I suppose, its just there constantly and thats me doing essentially nothing. Try walking for more than a few minutes. Feeding the dogs without pain killers is hellish.

Im depressed so I know thats making things worse but I really need some help, some decent help for my pain. No one can seem to do much about my mental health but I really hope something can be done about my pain.

In response to: PAIN

hanamiSenior Contributor03 Apr 2023, 3:51 pm AEST

Re: PAIN

I really hope the time passes quickly @ClockFace and you can get some painkillers to help you.

Warmest wishes

Hanami

In response to: PAIN

Gillie1Senior Contributor03 Apr 2023, 5:09 pm AEST

Re: PAIN

@ClockFace It really sucks how much pain can influence your mood and how much your mood can influence your experience of pain. Hopefully you can find something to help you manage on either front soon.

Take care

31 - 40 of 562

1...3 4 5...57