Malens Babble

So my sister regularly has a decision she is trying to make and asks my opinion/thoughts. Generally speaking I have no idea or Im just not at all invested. For example this morning it was should she take stuff to return to Officeworks today or wait until she has been somewhere else (I dont know how to spell the name of the place) and decide from there. She asks me "thoughts?" Like I care, I have no thoughts, it is completely up to her what she does and I honestly have more important things on my mind that if she should return something today or another day. Wow the vital decisions that need to be made.

This isnt an once off either, I get this at least once a day maybe once every two days and its always about pointless, unimportant things that I just have no interest in or is it that important for me to even consider. If it was just left at me not having a idea I would be frustrated because, well stop asking me stupid questions seeking my input. But it offends her if I dont, and I never do, have an opinion for her. There is always a comment to be made when I say that I have no idea. I hate this comment of "thoughts", she knows that I generally do not have any about pretty much anything.

If she was asking something like, Im looking at buying a car, which she did recently, whats your thoughts. That I would give my thoughts on, that I would let her know my opinions. But day to day life questions, I have enough of my own to ponder, I dont need to consider the benality of her life as well. I dont know if thats wrong but seriously I get hung up on my own stuff, I have plenty of minor crap to consider or make a snap decision and live with it and I really dont need to be considering her crap and she doesnt seem to understand that, that people have lives that dont revolve around her and every thought, feeling, decision etc she may have. For the most part Im just not interested, I just want to be left alone.

Another example, she has a person that takes her out twice a week for a few hours, she has an appointment today 1/2hr after they finish. Turns out they cant organise themselves and she couldnt get home in time to get to her appointment, which means, suprise suprise, I have to pick her up as she is getting dropped off straight at the doctors. That means another hour Im out in the car today, this on the provision the doctors running on time and my sister and her run on time, which they wont. So Ill likely sit waiting at the shops waiting for my sister to come over and we can go home. Again, because she couldnt get home on time, its seriously not hard. What it also means is my plan to have a nap are out the window. I was really looking forward to a nap today, yesterday was a big day, a lot of driving, picked up a dog, sitting in an uncomfortable chair it was big and wore me out. Today I have been into the doctors and it was a lot of information (Ill get into later) so Im seriously exhusted and really need a nap. But of course my pain is not as bad as I say, I should just carry on with life like there isnt a problem, therefore naps are just a sign of layziness therefore she can ignore what I need with full justification in her mind. Not to mention, as it would seem, she really just doesnt care anyhow, her mind is firmly centred on herself.

As predicted I waited at the shops for 1/2hr, so not to bad. But things went to shit when she asked for a Coke, that meant driving in after school traffic in town, as opposed to driving around town and missing it all. Then sitting in a queue for atleast 20 min if not longer. This with me in a whole heap of pain, as yesterday really screwed me over so I said no, we're just going home. Now amazingly it was at this time my Mum sent my sister a msg asking how her appointment went to which my sister replied that it went well, pissed off that I cant have a coke. Within minutes I had my Dad shouting at me on speaker, but I couldnt hear him. My sister was telling me to ignore it andhang up, which I did cause I couldnt hear him. After a few minutes of it doesnt matter, my sister finally admits what she did. A bit of back and forth and she said she didnt expect it to be an issue. I got a bit grumpy with this and said every time you make a comment like this theres an issue. Which is true, my sister says that she didnt get her way in passing to Mum and bam, the worlds on fire and everyone is dragged in. I got home, explained to Dad why I hung up and confirmed no Coke. He told me that I had lost the car, I was to take the keys to Mum, she was taking the car off me. I asked my sister to fix it, its her screw up, if she had shut her mouth and been ok with not getting a freaking Coke. She said just to ignore it.

Why does everything have to become this massive issue, especially if my sister doesnt get her way even over the most tiniest of thing. Why is it that I am in pain isnt enough to not want to sit in a very long and slow Maccas line, let alone the anxiety of all the traffic and missing out on the school traffic itself. Why is her getting a Coke so much more vital than me having some relief. I had put off taking extra pain meds until after I had picked her up because it pushes me into drowsy territory. Why is it that with everything I have done for her over the past months, all the Cokes, Banana Bread and Hash Browns, all the Cokes Ive take her to get, all the shops we've gone to blah blah blah, why is it that none of that matters in the face of me saying no on the off occassion. Apparently, yes is the only answer to give when my sister asks for something. I have no choice in the matter, I must obey the favourite child, well only one they way Mum treats things. I and my needs, like being in pain, just dont register.

All the sudden Mum is trying to be involved with my sisters situation and asking hows shes going with things, appointments etc. For MONTHS nothing, it was all on me and to an extent Dad. Now its not so intense, now she has a support team, Mums swooping in and trying to be Mum like. Though completely ignoring me and my needs. I mean my sister isnt the only one going through a hard time at the moment but I mustnt matter or Mum (and Dad) can only deal with one child having any kinda difficulty. The only thing I can really assume by the way both are treating me is that they have given up on me, that they have done all that they are willing to do, sacrificed what they are willing to, invested as much as they are willing to with me and now they are just going to concentrate on my sister. She has had a much harder life, been through more trauma, had more surgeries and of course shes their little girl so is just makes sense to concentrate on her, focus the efforts on the child that matters, as for me I got to work it out on my own. I mean Dad is doing some stuff, Im being allowed to use a car, though that might be at an end I dont really know. Though if Mum does decide that she is going to punish me by taking "her" car from me, my sisters meds will be going down to her and she can pick her up when running late and go get a God Damn Coke for her. I say "her' car because Dad pays all the expenses other than fuel, which I primarily pay, so how it is "her" car I will never understand. Besides she doesnt even drive it, even when she says shes going to she gets someone else to take her. If I take her in the car she has to winge that its not clean enough. My sister trashed it, bought a new car and left it in a huge mess.

Dad and I just had a talk, a lot of it was over the whole Coke thing. I said to him that if Mum has an issue with me then she should come to me, she wont because she knows that I wont put up with her shit. But as I said to Dad Im not gonna take shit from Mum via a third party. Dad was pretty shitty with me it seemed, basically saying that I should have known better than to not do what my sister was asking. He wasnt happy that he had Mum ringing going mental at him over it. He said he would have thought someone had died the way Mum was acting. I think I calmed him down but I made it clear that I wasnt going to make decisions based on the potential reaction that Mum might have when my sister tells on me. The fact that my sister is dobbing on me, particularly over small thing like getting a Coke should tell you so much.

Dad doesnt have much faith in the Family Therapy -1 which I can understand. He just sees that this is going to cause huge fights at home, which I think is a definate thing. My sister after the first session said very clearly that she thought it was going to be more about her, how you get it being about you when its FAMILY therapy is beyond me. Anyhow Dad said about this in the last session, which horrified my sister and of course is not what she meant, she said exactly that but yeah we were supposed interpret that differently. With a bit of prompting the therapist was able to understand what she meant, I still dont get it. As far as Im concerned she said it wasnt enough about her and thats what she meant. Dad then didnt say much through the session because he didnt want to take away the focus being on my sister. She did get a bit of focus but so did I, I played things down somewhat for the same reason. I really didnt want to be involved because of the way my sister is acting, which is the same way my Dads feeling I think. If she wants it to be more about her and she wants to make a fuss, the only time she was bubbly and happy is when the spotlight was on her. Again though, if you bring this up she will shut down and there will be no point to the sessions, or they will end up focused on me.

I really dont understand how we cant be mature about things, how we cant work together for the combined good, why people feel the need to back stab. Why my sister feels the need to winge to everyone who will listen about my Mum then turn around to my Mum and winge about my Dad and I and all the time treat everyone like they are her favourite. You know just treat each family member based on how mad she is with another. Its like a game, its like she is playing around with peoples emotions and stuff. Dads struggling, like bad and my sister is showing absolutly no compassion or understanding, she has been this way with me for the past little while, but now we are friends again. I have, in the past couple weeks lost a lot of trust for her. Stuff that has gone on with her medication, that has been "explained" days after the fact. Or she forgot to give me the stuff she didnt give to the hospital after telling me and everyone else that she had done the right thing and handed it in to the hospital. Then a week later handing more into her doctor. I mean its good that shes handing it in but they way she is going about things makes me not trust her. Then the whole thing with how she is interacting with my Mum and telling the "bad" things Dad and I are doing, with a twist, normally not complete or a bit added for a little spice that really makes me not trust her. Which is why I speak to her so little now, like Im not an arsehole but I dont have deep and meaningfuls nor do I talk with much emotion, its thought out and stated clearly, rather than getting caught up in the emotion of it and saying something I didnt really mean, or worded poorly. Unlike my sister who can "explain" what she meant after the fact what Dad and I say is set in stone as is her/Mums interpretation

From the way Dad talks and I suppose what I have witnessed Mum is cruel to Dad. When they are alone she regularly "talks" to him, which really consists of her telling him how horrible he is, all the things he has done wrong through the course of their marriage, how he has disappointed her etc. It sounds pretty brutal by the way Dad desribes it and she did this to him today when he took her to the doctors, he was obviously ticked off by the time he got home. She critisies everything he does or doesnt do, hes outside doing projects she bought for him to do too much, not inside enough. Didnt ask before laying the slate, though Mum had given him instructions on how and where to lay it. Thats something that gets to me, she instructs him what to do, all the time, he does something on his own, there is an issue. He gets no say in how things are going to look etc he just the one to do it. Like they are going to paint the house, she has decided on the paint colors, without him. I dont know how they will paint the house, the house is full of crap, you cant get to the walls. They are seperated under main roof, Dad basically provides for her still, he gets her meals etc. She contributes nothing to the overall house. She barely leaves her room, she did essentially nothing while my sister was in hospital. Yet she treats my Dad so disrespectfully, with no compassion, no affection even for the marriage they did have. She has such high expectations of him, but none of herself and no one can have any of her. She was doing similar to me, so I essentially exited the situation.

A bit of a different topic I am borrowing Mums car at the moment, but Dad doesnt like me driving his and Im certain, though I agree Im probably too big, that my sister wouldnt let me drive her car. Thing is there is a real issue from my family for me driving their cars, no one likes it and I dont understand why. Ive never been in a wreck, about 15 years ago I lost my license for speeding but it was when they changed the speed limits on some roads from 60km to 50km and I kept getting caught doing 60 in the new 50km zones. So I dont think it was like speeding speeding it was different. I havent had a ticket for a thing since then. Maybe they just see me as generally irresponsible, though I can look after their daughter during a number of suicide attempts.

My pain is really bad today, yesterday has really aggrivated it. Ive had to have 2 lots of break through medication to cope. Im gonna go and lay down for a bit and see how I go. I have to have my lithium levels tested tomorrow, which means I have to take my Lithium 8-12hrs before the test. So I need to take it around 1am this morning as it wont be until 11am for me to get tested as I have a video conferance at 10. It is ok, given I wake up around that time anyhow, today i just do it on purpose. The pain is causing me to lose my appitite so I will hopefully, feel more up to eating around 1am.

I woke up early this morning, my back is still sore as hell. I got to be up at 8 to pick Dad up from the mechanic as his car is getting serviced today. Its 5:30 now so I could get a little more sleep, but I dot think the pain would allow me to. Also my mind is going pretty flat out. The one thing that waking up early has in its favour is I get some time to myself.

Ive been thinking about yesterday's post and I think I undersold, or didnt want to believe how little trust I have when it comes to my sister. I dont mean that I dont love her, I love her heaps and I know if I was in trouble she would be there. But when it comes to interfamily dynamics no, she tells a story that serves her purpose. Like her narrative is always a little askew to ensure that the person she is seen better or one of us is seen worse. You cant ever be sure that the story she is telling is factual in its retelling, if her emotion about what happened hasnt overly influenced her retelling. I think thats what is happening, not that she is deliberately lying but emotionally she is altering the story, her emotional response gets intertwined with the factual story and a new variation becomes her fact. For instance I had a go at her regarding her medication stash, I raised my voice, I really didnt however yell and scream and carry on but it does sound like thats the story being told. Again a mixture of fact and emotion. On the flip side the story about the stash, a week later there is a story about how it wasnt a stash but left overs from when she didnt take her night sedatives because it got too late. It makes sense but it was well after the fact that she came up with this and it would have been days worth. She also complained about not having her meds because she couldnt sleep, that was a go at me for not giving her, her meds on time. Her story doesnt add up, so I am less inclined to believe her story. Added to that her Doc told me it was a stash, so sister told her it was a stash, story changed after this

She has a thing about her meds, until recently it was a dose by dose provision. Then, even though we had a stock pile and some extras hidden that werent taken to the hospital with the rest, they approved her to have a days provision. Which Im fine with, it means I dont have to worry about what time I get up in the morning, if I can sleep in. I dont believe the stash story and the story about taking the meds to the hospital and her forgetting about the ones she put aside. I got them in the end but it didnt build any trust for me. When she got approved a days provision she started asking if she could keep the remainder of the Webster pack 3 days worth, then 2 days. I arked on the 2nd request and it was verbal gymnastics for a minute about how she didnt mean it, or it was ok or something, it didnt make sense. But its common that she will ask for more than she has been approved for, it drives me nuts. Stop pushing, you know what the medical team is allowing so dont bug me about it. I think Ive said it before, I dont want to be doing this at all, it was dumped on me so I have no choice but to deal with it. It isnt a difficult task, but sister makes it one. When it comes to her and her medication, I do not trust her, if she can accumuate a lot of them she will and if she does it quietly there is a good chance she will make another attempt

Thats something that I struggle with, everyone in the family seems to struggle with taking accountability of our words and actions. I mean on occassion I might not say exactly what I meant. Recently I said that my sisters honesty regarding her meds didnt matter. What I was trying to say was that it didnt matter unless she actually stopped acccumulating medication. We had the stash, the hostpital ones and putting in a prescription for pain meds. As far as I know thats all. I care if she honestly commits suicide, so no I dont care if she is being honest, I care if she stops.

My Dad is good at back flipping on what he says and the same for my Mum. My sister is great at it, she basically argues and twists things until people believe it, in particular my Mum. Mum becomes a tool for my sister, Mum goes to Dad with the twisted story, Dad comes to me with a modified story, less information, or just comes out with commands. When Mum or Dad say to me commands, they arent open to hearing my side, actually in general I dont get to say my side or say my piece. My Mum, Dad and sister are pretty much always going to outrank me and what they say will be believed before me.

I am not often believed, unless it works in favor of another person. I am the most distrusted person in our family, though I think with Dad it is usually that its easier to not believe me and believe my sister /mother. Dad generally works that way, he wont fight for me or believe me over my sister/Mum, its easier to have a go at me, to tell me off etc, to take my sisters/Mums side than to stand up to my sister/Mum and say Im in the right. It really hurts because more often than not I have Dads back, I defend him to Mum and sister but he cant stand up to them for me and say that I am right or even listen to my side of the story. I have the least reason to lie, to be decietful in way. I tell it how it is, I dont mince words as a rule. I have essentially nothing, so I have nothinging to lose, so why would I lie.

A major side affect of my medication is dry mouth, like seriously bad dry mouth. Combined with poor dental hygine, I struggle to brush my teeth because of my depression, my teeth are literally falling apart. I just had a big chunk come out when biting my nails, another bad habit I have. My dentist has essentially said that unless I am gonna start brushing my teeth, with the special tooth paste they prescribe that she wasnt gonna work on my teeth anymore unless I was in pain.

The pain is getting worse today already, I ache everywhere. Ive taken some extra pain relief this morning, hoping it tides me over until my appointments are done and Ive been to the chemist. I recon Ill be done around 12ish after which I am planning on a nap. Im really tired, I dont feel like I had a very good sleep. Ive got an infection under my arm which I think is part of the problem.

I was suggested journaling to help with my MH some time ago and at the time I kinda laughed at them. I had sorta tried it before but it felt so empty, what was the point writing to no one, into the infinite cosmos. However, what I am doing here is essentially journaling on a digital platform where people can read it or not without knowing who I am. It gives more 'meaning' to the journaling, it doesnt feel so empty, it feels like Im talking to someone, not the great nothing. More importantly it helps, it helps me to get my thoughts and feelings down to be absolutly honest, not talking through filters trying to avoid hurting the feelings of those I am talking about. Having the opportunity to actually express myself fully. You know no one sits there and says your wrong, you cant talk like that, your sister/Mum/Dad will be so mad or the words twisted. If the words were ever twisted by my family members its in writing and cant just be changed, so their is evidence of what I said.

My appointment at 10 was cancelled which means I can go get my blood done earlier and go to chemist. All that means I can go have a nap earlier than planned. Which I am very happy about cause I'm well stuffed.

My shoulders have been an issue for a while now, really painful to do some stuff, though I can't tell you it's doing this or that they just seem to randomly hurt alot. Pressure and twist is about as much as I cant put down. They now ache all the time as well. I've been putting off talking to the doc about them just because there is so much else to deal with that seems more important. The next appointment is full but the one after should have some time to talk about them.

It does sound like Dads still looking for a car for me, which I'm surprised by. I figure with my sister having bought a car he was just going to rely on Mums car to get me around but when we dropped his car at the mechanic he asked it they were aware of any reliable cars for sale. Sadly they didn't but it's kinda good to know that he's still on the hunt for one for me.

For all his failings financially I would be stuffed without Dad. It's all a loan which is getting bigger and bigger which sucks but it means I can live. I do appreciate Dads help in this regard. But combined with my long standing debts Im swamped by debt and completely trapt living with my parents and sister (who is planning to move out). Financially I am well over my head and no one seems to know what to do or has any kinda answers.

Well that was a hectic few hours. I went in to have my blood test, where I normally go was chockas so I went to another one near by, I dont like it I prefer my normal one but I was gonna be waiting an hour and a half there. Anyhow Im about to walk in and I get a call from my Pain Specialist/Surgeon, they had a cancellation for this Friday, it was mine if I could pay. I am a day away from pay day so I did my blood test and raced home to talk to Dad. He was ok paying and Ill repay once I get paid. So I rang them back and they said no cant do it, says your on Warfarin. Im not on Warfarin so there was a number of calls trying to sort that out. Get it sorted out so ring the office again and organise payment. Woo Hoo instead of August its this Friday, hope for some actual relief. Then it was off to the Pharmacy to get medication, that was a bit of a challenge but we got there, then back into the clinic to retrieve my Bluetooth Head Set that I dropped while there this morning.

By the time I had done all that and got home my back was on fire, it is so painful and Im getting spasms in my lower back. Im exhusted. Im gonna lay down shortly. Ive had some pain killers and some anti-spasm meds. That will likely knock me out shortly.

Sadly it didnt, it was more of a rest that a nap. Dad needed me to take him to get his car, then we fixed up the glass house, which really hurt. I got my sister to feed the dogs again, which she wasnt happy about but I dont care. 2 of them are hers, none of them are mine and Im in a lot of pain so I cant see why she cant deal with them for me when Im in this much pain. I did take some more breakthrough pain killers and I think Ill lay down again in a moment.

Dad is in a better mood today, at least with me which is nice. He still grumpy about stuff, he just not directing it at me. He has an appointment with his pastor today. Ive said to him that Im glad hes speaking to someone but a psychologist would be better. He said it didnt matter who he saw none of them had an answer to the problem. I tried explaining that its not about solving the problem, its about changing him, changing him so that he reacts to the situation differently. Anyhow, I dont know he got it, or wanted to get it but he is seeing his pastor tonight and they are breaking soul ties, its this concept in the church he attends, and ones I used to as well. Where you have ties with partners that are spiritual that you need to break when you break up with someone. So he is doing that with Mum in mind obviously. Mum instigated the whole thing and Dad has to wrap it up as it were.

Its my sisters birthday tomorrow, so I transferred her $100. Thats all she wanted and thats about all the energy I could muster for it. Im not good with gift giving, I have no idea what people want. Anyhow she says to me, you just bought my scarf, yes $100 for a scarf. She wanted something nice for her birthday because your supposed to get something nice on your birthday. Keep in mind she just bought herself a new car and countless other things, shes spending like a crazy person. But I cant get over $100 for a scarf, I mean the mark up must be insane it would cost less than $10 bucks to make, but she needs something nice for her birthday. I on the other hand was so sick of the shit that I cancelled my own birthday, I literally did nothing and stil havent had presents, I dont think we've done presents from Christmas, she has to organise it all, but she does have a lovely new $100 scarf for her birthday. Im sorry thats irresponsible, Im told Im bad with money but Ive never and would never spend $100 on some fabric.

I just got up from laying down. I was in lots of pain and couldnt get comfortable, I came down and was just sitting and my sister asks "Whats wrong with you?" to which I reply "Im just in pain". I didnt really growl it out or anything it was just a statement of fact. She replies "Join the club" and then goes on about membership and water bottles. Im in so much pain that I am not only taking 4-5 x the pain medication you are on a bad day, I manage her meds so I know, which are rare. I have a procedure in 2 days and I havent been able to eat for a couple days cause the pain so bad I have no appitite. So while you may be in pain, I think the "club" is very different. Im not trying to say my pain is worse or better, I suppose I am, but I dont apprecitate having my pain dismissed like that, like its really nothing to warrant any extra concern or appreciation of the level of pain Im in. Im taking all this pain medication and I still cant eat, just imagine how I would be without the pain meds I am on. This is a different level of pain. Im not denying she has been/is in pain, she has experienced some serious pain, which is why she should know so much damn better, if I treated her pain like that she would be winging about it within minutes.

Dad seems like he is still in a good mood, though I dont know if he is going overboard and trying to make it seem he is in a better mood than he actually is. He was happy with the result from the car, he was led to believe by his old mecanic that this would be a huge one and very expensive. As he has stopped working he is using the same as me and all he got was a cap needed to be replaced so it wasnt much, which made him happy. Saving money always makes him happy.

Im in a fair bit of pain today, Ive already had a extra dose of pain meds, litterally woke up on and off all night from pain and thats how I woke this morning, well mid-morning. I was in pain and yeah, extra pain meds with my my normal meds. I started reducing the med that stops my hands shaking last night, already feel very agitated and hands feel like they are shaking more. Im really not sure how this one will go. When I was with the Psychiatrist she had indicated she would increase these but apparently they can make your depression worse. You know what else makes your depression worse, your hands shaking so much you cant use them. They are increasing another medication, which they hope will stop the shaking but overall make life better for me. I reduce another medication tonight, this one Im a bit suprised by, this is the only one that I thought was making a difference, though I had to eat after it and that meant Id be in bed early and I couldnt drive yada yada yada so it will help with that kinda stuff once Im off it but yeah, I thought it helped but now coming off it, which Im in two minds about, so will have to see how that turns out.

Currently Dad has been laying slate tiles down out the front, he ended up with chemical burns from the lime but worrked a way to finish it yesterday. He had to use the first bay of the carport, more so how you access it, so we had the two others, one half full but we managed. Now everything is gone, but there is a pile of cement mixture that is still drying so bay 1 is not accessable. Guess who is parking out side the property, there is a little spot where cars can park and thats where I have been put. Not a big deal, but it is a bit of a walk and you know Im the one in bucket loads of paid so you would think that I would get a park. Heres the thing, the carport they built not so long ago has 3 bays, in a family normally of 4 cars, one for each member. Can you guess whos car doesnt have a bay? Im positive it will be mine, despite Mum not really using hers, it will need the bay to protect itself for when they sell it. So I guess I will be parking my car, when I get it, outside the yard permanatly.

Ended up laying down for a few hours. Most of it was itching and sqwirming and carrying on trying to get comfortable which is about the norm lately. Pain makes it hard to settle, though I have been taking an old medication sorta off books to help me sleep when I go to bed. Not really the best thing to do but I need to actually sleep and it seems to work. I have been on this medication before with the combination of medication Im currently on so I know its safe. Hopefully once I have my procedure and the pain is gone Ill have a chance at things without so much medication.

Not long after I woke up my sister got home and her puppy wasnt down with the rest, I said I figured it was with Mum. Next thing Im abruptly being told to check and at least ring Mum, why my sister couldnt I have no idea. He was with Mum and I said someone would be down to get him soon. My sister goes to that end of the house to get changed, but doesnt get HER dog. Thats after me saying how much pain Im in at the moment because my sister looked at me and asked what was wrong. So obviously it was notible that something was wrong enough for her to actually ask and instead of tying to minimise things for me, she just skips on past the room with HER dog and doesnt bother to let it out, rather make me make the walk, go down the steps and get HER dog.

The thing with the dogs really ticks me off. We have 4 dogs, 3 Golden Retrievers and 1 Groodle. The Groodle and one of the Golden Retrievers are my sisters. Mum wanted the other two, Dad tries, but I dont buy it, to pass the other two as family dogs. Mum wanted them, they were for Mum, she was going to do everything with them, they will help her get out of her funk (she has/had severe depression), there was every reason under the sun that Mum had to have those dogs, I WAS AGAINST THEM. Now we have all these dogs, Im left to make sure they have water and I have to damn well feed them. None of them are mine and I am doing more to look after them than their owners and Dad enforces it.

I had a break from feeding them when things went poorly after the last procedure but Dad then got the chemicle burns and had to stop, my sister, rather than being nice said she couldnt feed the dogs and left it to me. Again 2 of them are HERS, none of them are mine. I aggrivated my back recently and I kinda pushed the dog feeding onto my sister the last 2 days, she isnt happy about it but I dont have a chance of doing it at the moment, its a 5 minute job that takes me about 15-20min cause I have to have a rest part way through or 2 but event with that I dont know that I will be able to do it. Its gonna be a task for her again tonight, I just cant do it and I really dont feel obligated to push through it for animals that arent mine, the only reason I would, would to stop them going without being fed. She will be feeding them tomorrow night after the procedure, I would think a night of two after that as well as it will take some time for the pain to stop. The procedure looks to be 6 injections into the facet joints in my lumbar spine, so even if it reduces/elimenates the spinal pain, the pain from the procedure will be around for a bit. Ive had a similar procedure before, a very long time ago and it was one of the most painful things Ive been through. Im hoping that they sedate me at least a little but I havent heard anything about that happening, so I am somewhat nervous.

The pain keeps making me really nauseas, it was just eating that it was interfering with but now drinking too. Im finding drinking my iced coffee gives me a really upset stomach. Added to that today I keep getting incredibly hot, its freezing cold, 1/2 the day Im in an Oodie the other half Im in a t-shirt. Regardless of what Im wearing I am still nauseas and itchy as hell. I am really glad that I have my procedure tomorrow, I might actually get some relief.

They dont understand the pain Im in, they just dont. My sister needed a couple pain killers yesterday, which I gave to her, 2 for the day and she was up and about the place, seemed reasonably happy and productive. Yesterday I took 10, miserable in pain, did basically nothing. Its like they dont believe it, turns out my sister doesnt. I asked her to feed the dogs for me because I was in a lot more pain than normal. Well that got down to Mum which she gave shit to Dad about. I go in and get 4 months, 2ltrs of iced coffee and a pack of smokes pretty much every morning sometimes I get a few more drinks. Well that was enough to bitch why I cant, at the end of the day, do the dogs. Its a completely different activity its a bit of walking and I can carry that weight. But standing, bending over, putting pressure into a roll of dog food to cut it etc. thats all very different and I find harder. But of course my sister knows better and winged that she had to do it. Dad did it tonight, which is totally unfair because he had his scabs torn off today so he was in even more pain today than normal. She just had a dig about "I sleep 1/2 the day" a lot of days I dont get the opportunity to have a nap. I had one today which was like 3 hours but most days I dont get a chance. Besides that Im on a lot of pain killers so I need to sleep as a result, it tires me out. I go to sleep early and get up late but I also wake up a number of times for an hour or so which means I dont really sleep all that well so things sorta even out, even swing over to the more sleep side though but again medication and pain.

My sister has this thing of having an issue with me about something, often petty, and goes to Mum to complain about it, who then goes to Dad and has a go at him who then has a go at me. Over the last little while they have been frequent and Dad has been grumpy and that has fallen over to me. Tonight was the dog food thing and that led to a conversation between Dad and I and he was telling me about whats going on etc. I got the shits up, I felt completely unloved by my Mum and my sister. Mum cant tell her to pull her head in, she cant stand up for me, no she winges to Dad who has a go at me. I got the whole not doing anything thing today, you know, pain, sick, etc but I should be doing more. Not one, Dad or Mum cant tell anyone that Im in pain and to leave me alone, Im doing my best. My sister cant lay off, its like this I dunno, a control or something thing to get her way or have me in trouble or something. I dunno, I dont understand. Most the time if I have an issue with her, Ill direct it to her, but if I dont direct it to her I tend to drop it, I dont run to Mum and Dad about it. We are in our early 40's so telling on each other shouldnt be a thing, we seriously should be old enough to talk through our issues between each other not go to Mum and Dad to get our way.

I really got angry and Mum came down so I went outside and cooled off. I dont feel loved at all, all I did for my sister and family over the past 6 months is like I did nothing. The debt I went in to be there for my sister and to have her winge about the money I borrowed from her to see her and be there for her. For everyone to have such a hard time with me needing to take a huge step back due to my pain, to winge about everything I do. For them to treat me like I am here to just serve them. Dad gets me pretty wild, because he takes Mum's grump at him on me. The other day it was about getting my sister a Coke while near town. I said no, going straight home. Dad was shitty because I should have known he would get in shit for it. The fact that it was the right thing to do or at least not a wrong thing to do has nothing to do with it, he got in shit, which was the issue therefore he had a crack at me. He could have stood up for me, he could have had my back but he didnt and from what I see never does. So I dont really feel like any of them love me, its like a have to love, they have to love me because Im son/brother but the reality is its just a verbal love not an emotional love if that makes sense. Its just they dont act like they love me or maybe they act like they love my sister more. My sister occassionally buys gifts for me, well for people in my family, which is nice but being treated well and like I matter would make me feel so much better than a gift.

My sister doesnt like not being the centre of attention. She craves attention, which might be part of the telling on me thing. But tonight it really hit me how much she craves it. Mum is talking, concentrating and formming sentences is hard for Mum but my sister is off "quietly" talking to the dog in the background. Then she is talking to Dad while he is involved in a conversation with Mum and me and so on. It was just continous rudeness when it comes to talking over and lets say around people.

Then there are the comments, just rude and out of line. Having digs at peoples inability to remember stuff is a big one, yet she has had to get a diary thing to note stuff for her own life cause she keeps forgetting things, that she was there fore. I keep getting shit for not remembering the names of her support workers, Ive never met them, shes been with them a few weeks and I have my own to remember, in fact I have my own serious medical issues to remember the ins and outs of, so I may not keep up with every detail of hers but I get shit for it. Again a diary to remember whats going on, what they are doing, what they expect her to do..

Ill revisit this in the near future. It was my sisters birthday today so my Mum came down for tea and cake, she couldnt be bothered saying Happy Birthday to me face to face, it was on FB. Anyhow, I didnt eat as was to nauseas but they all had Carls Jnr and cake. But it meant that I couldnt write, even when they were finished I had Dad next to me and he would have been more than intrigued to read what I had written. By the time they had gone I was losing the mental capacity to remember what was said.

I have my procedure tomorrow so I doubt it will be a long post, though it could be, will depend on how things go meds wise etc.

Before I sign off, my Dad is an idiot he wanted his cup which was beside me and up a bit, so he put his hands on my shoulders, quite nicely and I thought he was being nice, but no, then he leaned on me and reached for his cup. Of all people, me, I am without words.

So its come much earlier than expected but today is the day that I have my procedure and POTENTIALLY be out of pain. To be hoest if I was back in the amount of pain I started this journey in Id be pretty happy. I set my alarm for 6, I have to be there at 9 but we have an hour drive and I have to get ready and pack up my CPAP etc. I need to make a quick trip into town for drinks etc for when I get home and tomorrow as I dont know what I will be like and might not be up for driving. I went to bed at 11pm due to the shit that happened last night. I woke ap at 1:30am and then at 4:30am. When I woke up at 4:30am I decided to give up on the sleeping thing. Both times I woke up was cause I desperately needed to pee, like about to wet my bed desperate, which is kinda unusual. I will probably nod off while waiting for my procedure.

Im in a fair bit of pain still, its rather frustrating because while excited Im not looking forward to all the walking etc to get to the theater. Ive been where Im going a few times so I know the process and there is a fair bit of standing and walking involved.

Last night, I mentioned about things being said, my sister said a heap of stuff about me to my Mum, which she then had a go at Dad about who then had a go at me, well in this case he spoke to me. One of the things that came out was me going to the servo to pick up my drinks and smokes, thats not the issue its that I wouldnt go pick up a parcel from the post office for her when I did that. Firstly I walk into the servo grab my stuff and go, its a couple minutes. The parcel would mean waiting in line for 5-10min or more. One I can manage the other I cant. Also, what am I going to do, rely on some one who winged a lot about feeding HER dogs for me because I was in pain. I might get a day for her doing it before she bitched about that too.

The list of things I was not living up to, mostly surrounding my pain, was extensive and to say Im a little hurt is an understatement. As I said to Dad last night I have gone into a lot of debt trying to help and look after my sister in hospital. I am trying to find a way to pay her back for the money I borrowed from her to come down and see/look after her. I wasnt borrowing money to spend on myself, it was for her, it was for my living expenses when my pay ran out from looking after HER. And the same for the money I borrowed from Dad, I was on extended unpaid leave I was looking after my sister and it caused my mental health significantly so I had to go on leave, but still I was putting my sister first and looking after her, it wasnt until my back issues that I stopped, simply cause I couldnt and she was on her way home about the same time.

The fact that neither my Mum or Dad stepped in in my defence hurt. I said yesterday I felt unloved and maybe its just really hurt. I dont know that I would provide the same level of support to my sister, or any of them, in the future. I think that they can all get bent. If at the end of it I am gonna be left holding the bag and repeatedly kicked while Im down then Im gonna protect myself a lot more. I certainly wouldnt put myself in a financial hole for them, knowing I would be repaying it for a long time after and told how crap I am for borrowing the money to do it. Especially if I wasnt gonna get any help with it later or in my case having one have goes about the money I borrowed. Here's the thing that is annoying me with that at the moment, she (sister) needs to tell me how much I owe her and provide proof and Ill submit a grant application for the money. But we are weeks out from her being released and she still hasnt done it.

So Ive just got home from the procedure, feel really wiped out, I came to and they very soon after gave me some really strong pain relief which I didnt expect and it along with the sedation has really knocked me about. I have a raging headache which I figured was lack of sleep but prob that combined with caffine and nicotine withdrawals. When I came too I was having pretty bad spasms, they have settled now but it was really painful and irritating. This is probably the worst Ive felt after a procedure. The anathesiologist (how ever you spell it) didnt fill me with confidence, she was disjointed and lost most of the time, given what she was about to do some confidence and flow to what she was doing. I like my pain management specialist/surgeon, I have confidence in him, he is also an anathesiologist so if crazy lady went off the rails he was there.

I dont know if the procedure worked, Im sore but I think its from the injections, Ive also had quite a bit of pain killers so thats mudding the waters that tell me if and where Im in pain. If I hazard a guess Id say its worked though I have pain in the shoulders still. It will all depend on how I feel tomorrow morning. Im going to have my medication, which should indicate if the pain is still there as getting it aggrivates my back, then Im having my tea and going to bed. Im well stuffed and just want to sleep at the moment.

On the topic of medication, my sister is allowed one day's worth of her meds, pretty much every second day she was coming up with reasons for more than her allowance. She was doing it when it was me giving her each dose. Anyhow this morning it was giving her her meds in advance because I was going to feel like shit tonight. I still got to get and organise my own but getting hers is litterally picking up a tray, she pops a days worth and I put it away, its really not a big deal and in worse case Dad can do it. But again we have to discuss how she can justify having more than her team have agreed to and told me this is how much you supply. I dont particularly care if she had a couple extra doses but she needs to learn to accept what her team is saying as much as be protected from suicide. If she constantly wants more ownership beyond what has been agreed to, there might be an issue.

I talk about Mum's room a bit and it made me think I should explain the layout of where I live.

We live on 3 acres in a nice enough and quiet enough region. We face a 100km road with a dirt road to the side where we come in. We have neighbours on each side but they are all generally quiet and you dont know they are here. The exception to that are the dogs that love to bark at the back, our dogs love to join in so it can be pretty noisy and frustrating at times. I dont suppose anyone does but I hate the sound of a dog bark, I love dogs but only if they are quiet.

Outside we have a heap of sheds, like 7 or 8. Most are filled with Mums crap. Mum loves buy, swap, sell and went through a period of a few years of buying just about everything she could. Dad would spend most every weekend picking stuff up, often with me in tow. Despite my back issues Mum and Dad basically made me to help pull down sheds, cubby houses and a whole heap of other crap that was basically never used. During the week, my sister went around collecting stuff, though I think she got as much stuff for herself as she did for Mum but whole heartedly denies it. Over the course of a few years we managed to fill all the sheds, build a couple and fill them and fill the house. I mean fill, there are areas you can only just get through.

I hate this, Im not a fan of mess, though my room has gone to trash with all the carry on with my sister etc. Generally I am a minimalist, I dont see the point in things your not actually going to use because its pretty or what ever. I have things I need, most of my excess is stuff my sister has bought for Christmas and Birthdays and while lovely they never get used, its not that I dont like them, they just dont fit a purpose for me so they are I dunno. I got a bunch of comic books and books about comics. Its kinda cool but Ive never read them. I have one grafic novel, which I got when I travelled to Sydney years ago. Its the grafic novel the movie V for Vendetta is based on. I love that movie, Ive watched it countless times and really wanted the grafic novel it was based on. But I think thats the only grafic/novel that I have ever owned, I never got into them as a kid, we didnt live where they would be sold and we probably wouldnt have been able to afford them. So, I dont know where the idea of buying me a bunch of comics, on random characters and then a book, I think a complete guide to something would be a good thing. I have a feeling they were on buy, swap, sell and not an idea of hers but and idea she kinda claimed. Then you have to act happy with the gift, you cant sit there and go why? Now I have a heap of comic stuff that I will never use, but must treasure, to find room for and I cant get rid of it because that will hurt her feelings. So I have a bit of excess, which is permanent excess due to how I got it. But they have excess they could get rid of but collect for some reason.

I hate the mess and clutter, I feel so trapt in, I mean Im trapt here by my finances etc but its like its on top of you, its this trash monster that no one uses yet no one gets rid of. I dont see the point, I mean there is money there, but Im not financially invested so I dont care about that, Mum and Dad do ofcourse. I get Mum is slower now, age and sickness, but she has concentrated months on her bedroom and still isnt finished. Screw your room, fix the mess in the house you've created or release control to Dad to decide prices and sell all the crap. She goes on about a garage sale, we live quite a distance from any major or minor town for that matter so I dont see how a garage sale is going to work. You can only manage a few items on buy, swap, sell at any one time. Honestly, I dont want to be trying to sell a few things everyday, constantly being interupted by messages and have to check with Mum if its ok, can we accept that price etc. Especially when she can sleep for days at a time.

We have a couple paddock type areas where our goat and sheep live. They are best friends and Dad is a big softie for goat. There is a large area which is out backyard. Thats the dogs area. Off this is the rear drive way and the chicken, I should say rooster area, as Mum got a heap of roosters for some reason. We had some chickens but they were lost to foxes. There is also a 40ft shipping container stacked full that hasnt been opened in at least 5 years.

Thats the outside. Inside is a really big house, its a standard house thats been built on to though. So you have the main house, which is the original house, it has 2/3 bedrooms, one of them is quite small and would suit an office more than a bedrooom Dad ended up with that room. I got the next room up, and my sister of course, no questions asked got the original main bedroom. I should clear up that Dad started off in Mums room but was kicked out before they got seperated. The built on area is basically Mums, though I have an area for my home office (I work from home). There is a second lounge, a quite large study area. You drop down a couple steps and you have Mums room. There is a little area out the front for shoes etc and there used to be a entry to the 2 bedroom granny flat. Then you have Mums room which is HUGE and a massive ensuite. Mum essentially lives in here. In the ensuite is enough room for a small fridge and freeze, a pantry and microwave. Then she has a private yard. She uses this entry to enter and exit the house, Dad parks the car out the front gate so she doesnt have to walk ALL the way to the 3 port garage out the front, 3 ports 4 cars, guess who misses out. We have a decent size front yard but that is going to be converted into a circle driveway.

So in comparrison to a lot of others, I get, we live in a huge house on a large property. Its a bit cold, but its an ok house, needs some patching up and a repaint but its not good enough for Mum. I dont know what would be or what her solution is where she has what she has here but she bangs on about it a fair bit. I think she wants to build again a sorta purpose built house, I dont know where her dreams come from, but from what I can tell they cant afford that, she has spent most of it, and Dad has retired, he doesnt want the stress of building another house. She is on about moving to Melbourne to be closer to one of her friend, take me away from my job and only friend in the process, but apparently thats ok. She cant even walk to the carport, how the hell is she going to move to Melbourne.

Unbelievably last night, less than a couple hours after getting home from my spinal procedure, my sister says to me that I have to take all my stuff off the table so she can change the table cloth. She has been on about doing this for some time and has had opportunity to do it but was tired so didnt. Now granted my stuff isnt heavy but there would be a a lot of trips to the island bench, which isnt far away. But it all adds up and I would have to slightly bend forward each time with typically aggrivates my back.

I said no immediately, I was having my tea and going to bed. I was pretty well off my face, tired as they come. I just had been knocked out for the procedure, given a high dose of pain killers and Im still on my other pain killers. Not to mention the amazing headache I had and the pain in the back I have.

She even went as far as to complain to the parents about it, Dad told me and he wasnt doing anything. I said to Dad that I just had a procedure leave me alone (directed to my sister type thing).

I went to bed early and got up a couple hours later just as Dad was getting organised to go to bed. He has been looking for a car for me, not actively I dont think, but he has been looking for ages. Now he is looking looking, I think Mum has a grumps on about using her car now that its not a shared thing with my sister. Anyhow Dad actually asked what kinda of car I want, I said that I wasnt fussed, I mean he is paying for it, its kinda what I get I figure. I did say that if we went Commodore route Id only want a 3ltr not a bigger engine but ideal would be a 2.4ltr that I can physically get in, my size will be a limiting factor with smaller cars. But he actually asked what I wanted, I ws stunned, I really didnt expect that.

Ive woken up a few times mainly for the amount of pain Im in. I woke up at 6am in heaps of pain, I think its mainly to do withthe actual procedure though not the pain it is aiming at treating. I just need to sit for a bit and then Ill probably go and lay down again. It amazed me, I got up around 3 and went out for a smoke, came inside and sat down and promptly dozed. My sister woke me up a couple times crankier each time. She sleeps at the damn table regularly so I dont know what she is on about.

Does the stuff they give you to put you to sleep build up in your system because Im feeling worse after each time. Procedures arent long, like 45-1hr each but Ive had a few of them now, I think this one was my fifth for the year and now if this has worked, which I think it has, there will be another one later this year. That one will be for a long term solution to my pain. But I dare say it will be after August, given that was my original date for this procedure.

The pain is increasing pretty rapidly, Im shaking and having spasms all of which isnt fun. The shaking and spasms are making typing a bit more challenging. My shoulders are really painful. Dads cleaninig up as we have visitors this afternoon, I cant help, I mean Id be of no help. My sister tidied up over night (she didnt sleep again) but chose not to touch anything of mine or remotely connected to me. The fact that I am in extroinary pain really doesnt influence her petty, childish games. It somewhat amazes me that she feels the need to play these games, you know the sibling rivalry stuff even though I dont play them, shes in on her own and shes won already. Mum and Dad both have little time for me, to an extent due to all the time they spend on her. It wasnt until I went down to Mum that she asked how I went yesterday, even when I told her how sore etc it did elicit much of a response. Dad was ok, he has asked how I am a few times and atleast seems to give a shit. My sister has asked when I got home, this morning it was all about me clearing the table again. Which Ive done most of now, just the tablets to go, it hurt like shit, like Im in heaps of pain now, which I knew I would be. My sister has done her stuff, except she hasnt, there is a heap of her crap left, which I wont be doing, doing my stuff is enough.

We have people coming around 11ish, so I am hoping I wont have to move my tablets until then, if I do Ill move my main one back and move it at 11 and then I will probably go back to bed. I dont want to see anyone really, Im not feeling the flashest which is what I said when I was asked if I had an issue if they come, but of course I wasnt listened to, though this time neither was my sister who is going out with her peer support worker on a special outing. Its not that I have a problem with the people coming, I am the womans favourite so I shouldnt have an issue, but they are loud, like really loud and pretty full on and I just dont have that in me today.

I have it in me as much as I have listening to my sisters BS about how Dad does things. He put something on the chair next to her and that was apparently a very big issue. Then he came back in with some tree bits on his shoulder and again an issue. There doesnt really seem to be much Dad can do without it being an issue, except when Dad is paying for something or doing something (correctly) for Dad. I feel for Dad, he does a lot for everyone, he isnt perfect, I mean he is a bit of an idiot at times, especially if he is grumpy, but he does do a lot and he pays for a lot. I mean at the moment he is cleaning the kitchen. My sister could actually help but shes taking her time to get ready, I mean its 9:30 and she isnt getting picked up until 11:30. Ive done what I can, I cant do more than what I have to do.

My sister goes on about how much she does around the house but neither Dad or I can see it. I mean she does some of the shopping but for the most part she isnt supposed to, Dad does it so he can keep the budget. If you leave it to my sister the cost goes up astronomically. She said about doing most the cleaning of the kitchen overnight, but heres Dad cleaning everything. She goes on about doing so much but Dad and I are doing basically the same amount as when she was in hospital, added to which I never see her actually doing anything other than playing around with her coloring in books etc. This I do so much is BS, Mum buys it but Dad and I know the truth, but around here the truth doesnt matter, Mums perception is what matters, well not to me but in general. I dont do perception thing, I mean we all act on our perception but I dont make false perceptions for others to act on. I am typically a pretty honest and upfront person, I say what I mean, I act in line with what I say, I dont hide things, I dont deliberately manipulate situations to favour anyone, including myself. I have opted not to say things generally in protection of someone else. Though, I dont feel the need to tell people all my bits and bobs there is stuff I keep to myself, including from my family. I am 43 so its only fair.

Ive been getting pressure in my head, just randomly, like my head is a baloon being blown up. Its not a great feeling, comes right up from the base of my spine. Its just gone 10am and Im starting to get pretty tired. I want to stay up until 11 so I sleep through most of the visitors stay. But I dare say Ill be in bed before that. Dad is walking past me over and over, everytime knocking my chair, not his fault but not helping. I have a small gap behind me where I sit, my sister is on the other side with a much larger area behind her. Given how big I am it seems pretty dumb and just serves to make me feel even bigger again as Dad cant get past me. On purpose or not they do a fair bit that emphasises how big I am. As Ive said previously Mum is a horder and her side of the house is pretty full of stuff. Like there is walk ways around the place so you can get to my desk (you cant at the moment) and to her room. But the walkways are wide enough for them to walk through ok, for me there are spots that are real challenges, then you have people ask you to take stuff down to Mum so your trying to squeeze through now with a handfuls of stuff. So I get that they probably not thinking about it and as they have said its hard for them, but I have 30+kg on anyone I live with, its a lot more difficult for me. But they do so much like that. I use my Mums shower because my shower chair only fits in her shower. Mum uses the side of the chair as a shelf, so everytime I go to have a shower I have to move stuff of my chair, because Mum has enough room but I dont.

It took a while but I cleaned off my side of the table, my sister left with a heap on there. I went back to bed for about 2 hours and now down in Mums room. Im kinda hiding, they know Im here I just cant deal with them. Im just in too much pain and feel too crap to deal with much at the moment, not just them. I doubt Ill be out of bed long, Im still pretty worn out.

The lounge is a mess, like its like a bomb went off after a hurricane. Its been like it for, have to be near on a year and its all my sisters. Keeping in mind, my sister has the old master bedroom before the previous owners built on, so she has, compared to Dad and my rooms a massive room. She also has draws in the kitchen and the back room is full of her stuff. She is supposed to be cleaning her shit up but she has been off doing everything she can to avoid it and apparently she told Mum (who told Dad) that she just doesnt want to do it. I dont use the lounge that much, but Dad does and the fire is in there and Dad wants to use that. But because of my sister he cant, if we have people over and we want to have support personal over there is a fit because of her mess. You know I havent be overly keen on having support people come over because I would be embarrased so I have so far avoided it.

I havent spoken much about things mentally of late, its all been focused on my physical health. Mentally, I have been a bit all over the place. Depression is still strong, though the SI has reduced since getting the earlier spot for my procedure. All the sudden there was some hope that was attainable and things didnt look so dark. My anxiety has reduced a bit, I feel calmer than I have for a while though I am shaking more, that would be due to reducing the medication that stops the shaking. Im still finding that change hard to swollow. I havent had any psychotic episodes in a while, which has been nice. Eventhough Im still in pain I have a bit of a mud map towards some relief, its not 100% clear at the moment but if my suspision turns out to be right and this has actually caused relief and the pain is from the procedure then its off for another proceedure and repeating that every so often but Ill take that over pain killers day and night that dont actually allow you to live.

Im finding the depression to be really difficult, it makes it really hard to express properly that Im happy/excited by positives things like the whole change in the back circumstances. Im really irritable, like really really irritable, it takes so much to hold that it. Especially with my sister who keeps doing things that make me pretty wild. I mean, she had a shit fit over being asked to feed her dogs at the moment while Im a bit incompacitated. Then she goes and buys liver and chicken etc to feed them along with their normal food. Tonight she was instructing Dad to feed one of her dogs 1/2 a banana. Then it was individual biscuits for her puppy and the rest. 2 dogs get one type of food, her 2 get 2 different types of food. She wont do all this messing around but she will instruct others too. Just the way she talks, she can be so rude and dismissive of people, it shits me no end. Im generally an old grump at the moment, I really just want people to Fk off and leave me alone especially my family at the moment and Im stuck in the house with them. God she just keeps interupting and talking over Dad, just wait a minute.

Nothing is making me happy really at the moment, even the whole pain reduction thing, its a relief but not so much making me happy. Maybe because the last procedure looked quite promising and then went to shit. There isnt much that I, well anything, I am looking forward too. Everything seems like such an effort and so tiresome.

She keeps making comments about Dad leaving the door open to the hallway when hes doing it for a minute. This is because she and him got into it over the heater. Just be a grown up and accept that the little heater in the kitchen will not heat the entire house. Shut the door and it works better. She keeps talking in general. Like she cant just sit there and shut up, she has to be saying something, Im typing, obviously busy and in thought and she is yacking at me like what she has to say is important and its not, its just bullshit, irrelavant dribble but she wants someone to listen to her. Me on the other hand, I can go hours without saying anything. Most days I talk purely out of social norms, ie waking up saying how are you? Not saying I need my meds, when you dont need your meds yet, just something to get my attention. I really would think my demeanour would suggest that you should leave me alone, Im not interested. It sounds mean and horrible but its what Im thinking, its what I think a lot. But she just keeps flapping her damn gums like shes the centre of everyones world.

My headache thats been trying to turn into a migrane is doing a really good job of it. Im not getting light sensitivity as yet but Im trying my migrane medication to see if that helps. I mean it could and likely is my back from the procedure. I have a really crook neck and that could just be from spasms and the like. In general my back is better, its weird the lower back goes through phases of pain, same with my shoulders again I think the shoulders are spasm related. But the pain I normally have in my back does seem to have improved, I mean it could be gone all together but the procedure pain is stopping me from telling for sure. I think tomorrow will tell a lot. My back is really tense, Im taking muscle relaxants so hopefully that will help it settle.

Shes really bugging me at the moment, the sister. The entitlement that she is showing at the moment, the disrespect of others. You know being entitled and disrespectful really shits me off. This morning she asked my Dad to go into town for her, she wasnt driving because she hadnt slept in 2 days, never stopped her before. Currently its 8pm and she has gone out, her excuse why she can drive now and not this morning because shes had maybe an hours sleep, at the table and she was right now. She didnt want to drive in this morning and lied her way to get Dad to do it. Full disclosure I got him to get me some iced coffee but I wasnt allowed to drive at that point due to the procedure the day before.

My parents are buying me a car, I have no financial means to buy one for myself. Its just gonna be something cheap, which I understand and pretty much what ever they find that is decent. Something was said today about while Mum was down and I said something about anything but a Captiva with a chuckle and Mum replied with something along the lines you'll get what your given, a really snide remark. Dad has asked what I wanted and I said that Im after a small engine car, I mean I dont want to be paying through the nose for fuel thats not gonna help me financially in the long run. You know I appreciate what my Dad is doing for me and her aserting that I wasnt ticked me off. But I said Dad is doing, not MUM and Dad. Dad is the only one with any form or potential for an income going to support the family. Mum has a pension, plus quite a sizeable bank account as my sister gave her a fair amount from the sale of her house in repayment to them both for them paying the deposit. Mum hordes her pension and does not contribute any of it to paying her way or even the family. Dad pays it all, even the stuff agreed that she would pay for stuff, like her smokes. So when she has a dig about anything to do with Dad buying me a car ticks me off, she isnt contributing to it. Added to which my sister has borrowed enough money from them over the years, as have I. I always pay mine back. She however regularly comes up with large sums of money that Dad owes her, like thousands of dollars because she has bought stuff for Mum and groceries etc. I really struggle to think its on the up and up, there is never any evidence.

I went to bed at a reasonable hour last night, I was going to bed early tonight but a few things got in the way then while I wasnt looking my sister went out so I had to wait for her to get home so she could do her medication. I woke up at midnight to my sister sleeping at the table, I went out for a smoke and came back in and she was awake so I told her to go to bed, she refused, had a couple go's a her. She ended up coloring in, its just defiance, go to bed and go to sleep its not a hard concept. I mean if I could and just sleep I would but I have to persist with waking every few hours.

I woke up all itchy again, I dont think Ive written about it before, but Im really itchy around my neck/chest area, next time I see a GP Im gonna have to talk to them about it. I cant see anything that looks itchy, my skin looks fine but it has a tendancy to drive me nuts, especially if I get hot in that area.

Im pretty sore, but mostly ok. Sitting down I seem fine, in comparison to pre-procedure pain. Walking Im alright but standing is a bit of a challenge. Standing has always been my biggest challenge. I have been thinking about the possablity of not being in pain and what that means for me. I think theres a few challenges to tackle. Because the pain has been ongoing for so many years my muscles would need to be retrained and will need to have some physiotherapy or something to rehabilitate my back muscles. Im concerned that familly will see me as being pain free and therefore able to do more than I am capable of because my back muscles are not up to it.

My sister is supposed to take all her medication at certain times of the day but removes the one that calms her brain down and allows her to sleep and takes it later, or not at all. If she doesnt take it she stashes it and gives it to one of her support team. I dont get it, why would you purposly avoid taking medication that helps you sleep. You should be taking it at the same time each day and go to bed at the same time each day. But what gets me most of all is she then winges that she hasnt slept for a day or 2. If you want to sleep take your meds and go to bed. If not dont winge that havent and just shut up about the choice you made.

Ive woken up in the morning, Im more stiff than in pain now. I have a bit of pain in the lower back and my neck is sore again but in general Im actually not to bad. I have to go pick up my glasses which will involve a bit of walking so that will be interesting. Im in a fair mood at the moment, I have a bit of hope today.

I went in to get my drinks and smokes and decided not to get my glasses, they are spares so desperate need for them and Im glad I did because I started to be in pain on the way home. I dont know that I would have managed walking to Specsavers in the shopping centre. My shoulders are causing me a lot of pain, they have been for a while but I was hoping it was the back thing but maybe its not, maybe its a seperate issue, which doesnt excite me.

My next thing is my pain medications, I am almost certainly addicted to it so I cant just stop. Ill have to speak to the pain specialist about how I go about coming off it and even if I do. The procedure is temporary, no idea how long it will last but not a huge amount of time I would think. So they might just keep me on it until I have the next procedure as that will give me longer term relief and worth going through withdrawals for. I just dont want to go through some of the withdrawals and then start back on them because the pain has returned. I had a small taste of withdrawals when we changed to the new pain medication and I am really not looking forward to going through full withdrawals so Id like to do it just the once, not start, stop and start again.

Money within the family is a touchy thing. I borrow money from Dad and it can be a bit of tense event but most the time it goes smooth. I dont get him to buy things when he goes out for me unless he has my card, though rare that I would ask him.

My sister on the other hand was always accomodating, or seemed to be. She would get stuff when she when in, she would also call and offer to buy stuff or just come out and say do you want XXX for tea. She always come across as generous to everyone but it has been getting twisted around to me asking for stuff and not paying you back or taking advantage etc. She complains about pretty much everything, but she has been setting me up to complain about things. Ive taken to if she doesnt have my card I dont get her to get anything, even if she is getting stuff for the whole family, I will sit out of it to save the eventual complaints and winging that will come later.

Mum complains about the number of times that we go into town, I go in once a day to get my stuff, thats it, 99% of the time. I look after myself then no one else has to. I prefer it that way cause then no one can winge that I am getting them to get my stuff all the time, I dont have to wait for anyone, I can have it in a routine, I get enough drinks to last 24hrs. I get my own drinks, smokes and my meals are delivered. I look after myself.

Sister goes in and often a few times or for several hours. Dad rarely goes in. Mum complains because people dont come and tell her they are going into town. I normally go in early in the morning, so she would still be asleep. I also dont feel the need to run around after people to find out if they want me to go somewhere else while Im in town for stuff they want. I just want to go in to the one store that I can get to without too much issue, get in an out and home. With my back pain I avoid walking a lot or far, I dont need to go from one shop to another buying things added to which paying for it becomes an issue. Mum wont pay for shit, so she expects you to pay for it and get the money back off Dad. Essentially you do all the leg work for her and if Dad decides not to pay or holds out on paying your out the money until its sorted. I live pay to pay I cant afford that, I cant afford the 3 day delay in transfer. I have settled that I deal with my stuff and I leave others out of it unless its at the same place Im going and they give me their card, in return they leave me out of their stuff. It might seem petty and maybe it is but Im sick of all the money BS. I have debts to pay with each, even though I dont believe they are totally fair, I want to pay them back, its gonna take years but if I can pay them back then I dont have to deal with them anymore. She was going on about me owing $6500, once she did some paperwork it turned out to be $4500 which if I can get her to provide me with the required information and evidence I can put in for a grant through work which hopefully will repay this money. But she winged about me borrowing this, it was ligitametly being used to cover my expenses when I ran out of money as I was spending everything coming down to see her in hospital, I only earned so much so it was a choice between paying for my expenses for the fortnight and seeing sister etc when I can afford it or borrow the money to cover both to make her feel better. But no its a big deal, its an issue and Mum, less so Dad have got involved and Ive had remarks from mainly Mum. I had to explain the above to Mum which I dont think she really cared about but she left me alone.

For the most part I look after myself at home, I do my washing, I do my own shopping, I look after my own finances, I normally help with cleaning the house. The car Im driving is my Mums as the engine siezed in my old one, Dad is buying me a good cheap car which the cost will be added to the bill I have with him. I deal with my medical stuff myself, though again Dad has assisted with the financial side of this. But I go to all my appointments and deal with all medical and psychological things (my sister regularly has someone attend though has decided to take it on herself all the sudden, though tends to forget what was discussed). Sometimes family ask how I am going or how I went with an appointment. I dont tend to go into detail at all, I give a general overview but unless it may impact them then I keep it to myself. I dont think they have a right to know the ins and outs of my medical/mental conditions. If Im reducing, changing, adding medication, etc then I would tell them. I used to tell them about illnesses etc but they down play, dismiss and minimise and I dont see the point telling them something they clearly dont want to hear about.

Maybe I should be more generous with my time and money, spontanious and offer to buy everyone tea. Maybe I should do more for people in the house. I see what the money thing does to the rest of my family, my sister is constantly saying Mum and/or Dad owe her money (and me ofcourse). I owe too much money, both in the family and externally to spend it on everyone else. I spend enough on me and have a tightish budget that I try and keep to. A meal for everyone is gonna cost quite a bit and Mum has a tendancy to latch on and ask for meal after meal. Added to which I havent been eating full meals for quite sometime, so if I buy a meal for everyone, that includes me that Im barely going to eat. Mum doesnt put her hand into her pocket for anything and she doesnt do a thing to help with the running of the main house. She just orders people to do shit for her. I do what I can housework type stuff wise. I might increase that with the treatment etc. but its been limited by my physical limitations. My sister really doesnt do much, she makes it appear that she is generous and paying for stuff but that is all a cherade, Im quite sure that she adds the costs of meals she bought to Dads bill and same when she offers to buy you stuff while shes out, Im sure that goes onto the receipt that is used to go onto Dads bill. Im also sure that stuff she buys for herself magically winds up there aswell. I find that really frustrating, I pay for my meals, I pay board. Dad does put some money towards my Lite n Easy but she doesnt pay board but Dad pays for all her meals, except she doesnt have a budget or give Dad a list of what she wants, she goes and buys what ever she wants and bills Dad, no matter how much it costs. I have serious questions that the bills my Dad gets from my sister are completely legit but Dad wont question it because my sister has my Mum behind her and Dad wont fight both.

I just went to have a nap, partilly cause I was tired and I was, but more so I needed to rest my back. Stiff, its I dunno, its really weird it feels really odd its hard to put a finger on what exactly is the problem. Stiff is as close to a good word to describe it but its not exactly right, it spasms and tenses up. I got out of bed at 4pm, which Dad had to make a comment on. The whole medication thing which tires me out seems to be getting missed still, Ive only been on it for ages.

What gets me is I woke up spoke to Dad, walked past my sister and neither said they were going out. I went out to have a smoke, came back in and both were missing and my sisters car. I have no idea where they have gone, when they will be back, nothing. It would have been nice to get a little information about whats going on, at least when they will be back. Turns out Dad had gone out the back and my sister went to the shops.

I was just talking to Dad, everything, well not everything but a lot of what my sister was complaining about with my Mum I am starting to question. No doubt my Mums a bitch and there are serious issues but you know theres things like collecting stuff for Mum, well there is heaps of stuff thats been collected by my sister for my sister. So yeah my Mum would add to it but its not like Mum had sent her out day after day my sister had a lot to play in that but she doesnt admit to that side of things. So it makes me question a lot of other stuff. The things that she says about Mum and basically tells Dad and I what to do and not to do with Mum, depending on the day. Thats the other thing, there is little consistantcy in what we should do and she doesnt stick to anything. Both Dad and I are sure that she will turn around and throw us under the bus the moment it gets real with Mum. We are at this thing where they are trying to resolve things between the family and Mum, my sister is saying stuff about my Mum in these meetings, there are witnesses but they now want to see my Mum so this is going to be relayed to my Mum. Thrown under the bus time.

My Dad got a message from my Mum this morning it was something along the special relationship that my sister has with her GP and Mum was jealous of that because Mum and Sister had a special relationship. You know its getting my Mum down etc. All I could think when Dad was telling me this, if Mum put 10% of the effort into having a relationship with me I wouldnt go days without seeing her, when we live in the same house. It would also feel nice to be wanted even a little bit.

Im trying to do something for Dad and clearly concentrating and yet she wont shut up, she does it all the time. Ill be typing and she will be making random comments and questions. Just shut up, Im not interested in little tid bits of useless and pointless bits of nothingness

I know Im not perfect, I get that. Theres things that I need to change and Im going about some of these changes and getting involved with psychs. I try to stay out of everyones way, do my stuff for me even when I am in pain, I even got in shit for this cause I would do this but not stuff for others, I do my chores, even when there are change after change in dog food. Essentially, I want to be allowed to live my life the way I can work it, I want to be understood and appreciated, I want people to understand my conditions and just accept the way things are for me. I appreciate that my conditions impact others, but I shouldnt be blamed for it.