@AnonymousEmpath
I completely understand the tunnel with no light at the end. It would be unreasonable to expect you to read my posts of late but short story my sister has been in one hospital or another for 3 months for physical and mental health. Self harming, suicidal impulses etc. She ended up in a mental health facility and diagnosed BPD, still self harming, still suicidal impulses. She got sent home. More self harm and eventually an attempt. I am her carer my parents arent really involved. We all live together. We are all disabled. I have major spinal issues, waitiing on surgery ATM. I have Bladder Cancer. Bipolar 2 with psychotic features, I hallucinate and now have delusions, the 2 kinda mix together. I have severe anxiety, so much that even with medication my hands shake constantly. I have depression. Im in chronic pain, Im on 4 different pain medications just to function. In total Im on 27 daily medications.
I stated having incredibly intense chest pains with shortness of breath, I went to ER, my sister had to come cause she didnt feel safe. Im getting hooked up to check for a heart attack and she ended up being admitted as well. Im now being investigated for heart disease.
I pee blood, so started pliminary testing but prob have to have another cystoscopy to see if I have another tumor in the near future.
I have a list of topics to discuss with my GP. The appointments are 15 min long, though mine usually go longer but I have enough topics for another couple of months.
I say all that not to show you how shit my life is but so you know I know how shit life is and that lights at the end of the tunnel arent always there. They arent, without sounding corny, thats when you get a flashlight and make your own light. Its not gonna last forever but it will get you further down the tunnel until you can see the light.
To be honest, 1/2 the time I am using a flashlight. Im on here more than most just looking for a glimmer of hope, someone to tell me how to put my foot forward and take the next step.
My family arent at all supportive. My Mum doesnt come out her room, everything is taken too her. My Dad spends most his time out the back with his head in the sand. If he is inside he is in his room on his laptop, again with his head in the sand. My sister clearly isnt in a space to help or support. Dont get me wrong Dad will take me to my surgeries (number 4 for the year coming up) and pick me up, but he wont stay inside and make sure I am ok to get around (spinal surgery).
I have one friend who I reached out to recently, we see each other a few times a year. Anyhow I reached out and he was in the middle of custody issues so not real supportive of my issues.
Again Im not trying to compare, my situation is worse than yours or anything like that. I dont know your situation. But I understand just how shit life can be, I really do. And it wasnt so long ago that I was thinking, why bother. Or Ill get her home and then Im done. even before my sister stuff, I was sick of the constant pain, all the meds, the financial burden but its small steps at the begining, like writing on the forums, or FB. Then a phone call and a chat, and another. then seeing a councillor or psychologist and maybe a psychiatrist. But its small steps. I did mine a bit arse about, I had a psychologist, I saw my GP then I got real help through SANE. I posted in the forums...a lot. Now I occassonally reply to others.
Am I 100% no, not at all. I mean my sister attempted only a few nights ago and that kinda leaves a mark. But small steps mate.
I cant convince you that life is worth living, I think its worth having a go at it and continuing to have a go at it. But small steps. Its got to be worth a small step
