diversify

Hello @wordman

That is an interesting name.

I am in a strange state of mind.

Sulky. Lots of anxiety. Much impatience. Feelings of restrictiveness. Sad full & empty. Mostly nervousness & anxiety.

What am I pushing through? Why am I ignoring my needs?

My mind is telling me to lay down & nap.

I can't.

I'm writing here.

I'm filling in time.

Filling in the time. Go to bed. Sleep from exhaustion. Wake up, excited today will be the day. Fill in time, not enough, running out. It's too late again. I forgot to notice I was alive.

@StanD Hello StanD. You are very descriptive with your post. I hope you find inspiration to write. From what i can read, you are perfectly capable of writing.

Have a sweet easter

Regards

Wordman

Hey @wordman

Thankyou for kind wishes. May your Easter be sweet too.

I had a small number of unexpected kindnesses this Easter & you are one of them.

I feel a bit sad right now. You always seem to reach out when I'm at my lowest. I don't like portraying this side of myself to you reach time we share.

I'm actually an awesome & naturally content person. I think more than many people I've encountered. I'm not sure why that is, I think I was born happy.

Blind luck.

I thought about your proposal - what inspires me. The first thing that came to mind was helping others. I would like the world to be a brighter place. I am bursting with so much love & kindness, it's easy for me to offer hope to another. I would like to help the world, in the same way people have helped me. A kind warmth & light, when all they see are the haunting shadows that drag across the midnight sea.

I'm inspired by people like you. Who somehow know exactly when to offer hope, a kind sentiment.

So, I'm aware of the kindness that had been afforded me today.

I don't want to dwell on the disappointments. They are there.

I'm certainly not the first person to feel this way.

I'm in a state where I'm highly attuned to unrelenting desperation I feel.

I'm not coping, & have not been for months. Chores, meals, shopping, routine - I have not been able to attend for months.

I have days where I can build enough strength & cook myself dinner & tidy & organise. Earlier today, I had small dance in the bathroom. A friend sent me a text saying happy Easter..& it made my day! The little things - it really was a big thing.

The big picture is not good. My domestic environment is unlivable. I have had many supports in place. I have had many traumatic abuses. I have done EVERYTHING I can think of, within my control to rise above.

The basic element I cannot grasp & need desperately, is help.

The problems I'm enduring - they are way beyond my abilities to solve. I am powerless. It sounds silly, or immature - the fact is, I cannot get myself out of this one. I need to be rescued.

I have asked, pleaded, begged, surrendered, taken risks, - readjusted, conformed, let go, been courageous, defiant, been kind, been mean & tough. Open to change, & stuck to my core values. I've run out of angles.

My mind, tomorrow, being stupidly optimistic, will find yet another new solution, & I will believe that this must be the path - why didn't I see it earlier? By tomorrow night, I will be exactly right back here...& if I get thru tomorrow, then the next few days or weeks - it will come back to haunt me again.

Yes. The only way out. It's too be rescued.

Or, I continue living, an unlivable situation, each day becoming sicker, as I continue to suffer. My spirit trapped.

I'm going to heat up dinner now. Vegetables & lamb, I made in the slow cooker cpl nights ago.

I will feed & water the animals. Take my increasing supply of meds & shut my eyes, praying once again, that tomorrow will be the day.... It won't. Not being pessimistic - it's simply not up to me.

Love to you wordman.

@StanD Hello StanD. After reading your post the first thing that came to my mind was, Hang In there. The things you struggle with can easily be overcome and conquered. You must allow that positive energy and desire to help others flourish. You will find a way to enable yourself to be free of your restrictions. You are not the first person to feel this way, nor will you be the last. What is important is that you hold on to a perspective of life that allows you to be the very person you wish to become. Plenty of people require help and assistance. It then becomes a matter of being the person who can improve someone's life. Someone who can change and turn themselves around from despair to happiness, joy, and a completely blissful life. Once you have turned yourself around you will find it easy to help and guide. You are going through a healing process. Continue with this healing process and become the person you want to become.

Regards

Wordman.

Thankyou @wordman I think I understand...

Be me. Help others.

I think within the healing process is easy to become lost. Things changing so quickly & old ways no longer useful.

I'm a new me & I'm the me I've always been. It's both simple & a conflict.

The old me felt safe in not trusting, myself or others.

The authentic me knows exactly who I am & what I need.

Letting go of old patterns that kept me safe.. It's frightening & freeing.

If I can hang in there, Hold on to what I know is real within me I might have a chance.

I'm not adept at handling all these new situations & emotions. I struggle lots. I don't know if I'm making right decisions because the terrain is unfamiliar through unclouded eyes. I know me. That's what I have to guide me.

I love your hope for me that I could have a life of bliss.

Easy.

It's what I want too

The person I want to be...