I feel like I'm being treated for somebody else's problems

Could you be referring to 'Scapegoating', @justanotherguy.? I found some interesting youtube videos by Jerry Wise on this issue. People who can't deal with their own issues putting the blame on you? I knew that was what was happening to me, but hadn't realized the complexity and cleverness of it all.

@justanotherguy @Historylover this is interesting. My question is if, in a long term relationship, one is triggered by the repetitive negative actions of the other, who should be changing/seeking help? Given that the one who is triggered suffers with (diagnosed) MH issues and thereby is more amenable to seeking help, should it necessarily follow that they change their attitude towards the behaviour causing the problem, or should the one behaving badly seek help/change?

In some family therapy there is a concept called the "designated patient" that represent the person within the dynamic that carries many of the family issues. I think it can possibly extend further. It can be as extreme as a scapegoat. or it can create helplessness or 'otherise' one individual.

@LooneyToones

As somebody who has experienced this ping-pong effect, after a while (sometimes years) and nothing seems to be 'working' and the loved ones still pin the blame on the person with mental illness, for a sane person it should send up red flags. Either the therapy is bogus, or the loved one is not being fully honest to the person with the 'mental illness'.

@Appleblossom

I can imagine in some families where emotional support is thin, or in cases of extreme hardship, then the 'weakest' could easily be turned into a scapegoat for the sake of others. It might not be much, but I'm sure it can set up a pattern of behaviour for life.

.....aaaaand let's address the elephant in the room.

I can see now I've made the same mistake on these forums, plus probably most of my adult life. I have commented that good therapy has helped me, I don't think I've said to people 'just get therapy', that's insensitive, but I definitely come across as a steamroller if I don't check myself.

@justanotherguy Could it be you’re just a pragmatist? Sometimes being the only one who actually says what others are thinking can get you into trouble but how often do you hear “have faith in your own convictions”?? Damned if you do and damned if you don’t 😐

@LooneyToones

Yes, I consider myself very pragmatic, probably overly so. Nobody likes a fence sitter and I never used to say anything to anyone until social media came along. I have finally realised (too late it seems) that most people don't want a solution to their problems, all they want is their preconceived ideas validated. Sorry mods to be so generalistic again but really, I have achieved little in life exactly because I'm too pragmatic. If everybody was like me then nothing would get done! So it's probably time to shut my mouth in public and stop bothering people who are actually doing work to keep me afloat, and maybe even do something useful for society. I've been in the mental health system so long I know more about it than a lot of other things, I think it takes about 10 years to become an expert at something, maybe I could help others navigate the MH system for a while.

@justanotherguy I am trying to be careful with my language as we both know things can get easily misinterpreted.

I have tried to acknowledge anything good in therapeutic approaches and not be absolutist in my criticisms of the mental health system. I am almost getting OCD in trying for clarity ... and also trying to keep things brief. I am grateful for the good things, but I know it is unwise to overstate it, as I tend to be glass half full type, and oopsadaisy fore I know it fall over or get hit in the face... so to speak.

There is another concept called projection, where people in general, not specifically within a family system, put their own problems on to others. Sometimes projection is conscious and sometimes unconscious, either way the other person wears it. Personally I am learning to be detect it and reflect it back, and do my own work as much as I can, flawed person as we all are.

@justanotherguy Think there are more fence-sitters today than ever as most are afraid to say the wrong thing for fear of being persecuted 😊. But if it’s handled tactfully snd diplomatically there’s nothing wrong with being pragmatic. Maybe combine it with doing something useful. 10 years to become an expert?? Hmm maybe not lol