Hi

Hi and welcome, @Birlegalla , it's good to have you here.

I did lose my identity and spent 3 years in bed with a nervous breakdown. But I slowly rebuilt myself, and now things are better than they were before. I had to ask myself what I liked in life, what I was good at, etc. and start again. Not sure if that's helpful.

I'm wondering if you have any professional support? Like a counsellor, meds, psychologist or psychiatrist?

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hi @Birlegalla

I hope you are doing ok in this moment.

I have suffered from anxiety and epression based from undiagnosed aspergerers all of my life.

Recently i have had to make some critical decisions about the way i have and continue to act... and act is the key word.

I have spent most of my life, not really being 'me', but instead being the 'me' i felt everyone wanted, and at times demanded. I never felt i could truly be myself as my brain didnt think and come to the same conclusions as others and i thought it was something to hide or minimise...

..and who were the winners and losers out of this arrangement? everyone - except me.

Others would win because they didnt have to deal with someone who wasnt quite the same as them, meaning they had to bring care and compassion to the party.

Likewise everyone lost, because my aspergers put me at the top of my career in the advertising industry for over 2 decades where thinking differently was a badge of honour... only others dont get to turn that on and off, its just me.

So i decided, i am just going to be me, and the cards can fall where they may.

I like me and i am sure you like you too. ..the point i am trying to make is that you can tie yourself in knot to appease othgers but at the end of the day, they will have no idea you have done anything. Best you just be yourself, say what you like, be what you want to be (always in a healthy way) and let others take responsibility for their own emotions and thoughts.

I faked it for 20 years and it didnt really get me anywhere and i resent that i had behaved that way, but i have seen an alternative now and really i never liked the people i was trying to conform around anyway. They were self absorbed and honestly quite weak people.

I can manipulate people, learnt it from a young age when i had to get in the head of those bullying me.. its not hard and that started to manifest itself onto girls i would date in my late teens. I put a stop to that. Why? becuase its not who i want to be and just becuase you can manipulate others, doesnt mean you should. I walk to the beat of my own moral drum. I am the captain of my own ship.

It takes great strength to put on a smile and walk in a room, relentlessly day after day. Be proud that you have gotten this far but 'damn the torpedoes, full stream ahead'.

I hope this helps a little and would like to discuss this more with you when orif you feel ike it

:0)

Hey thanks for responding, I use to have professional help I use to see headspace years ago but when I told them about seeing and hearing things and not being able to distinguish what’s real and what’s not they sent me to an intervention centre but that only lasted 2 weeks they told me to come back when it worsens soooo @NatureLover

Hi Scout1527,

Things could be heaps better but I guess it is how it is, honestly I don’t know how to “better” myself in the past when I didn’t have a care in the world I became who I wanted to be I guess I was independent I felt confident in myself had my heart broken a couple of times yes it broke me but I was always able to bring myself back up and be resilient. I don’t even know where to begin about myself… I grew up in a violent household got abused by my dad a fair bit, got bullied throughout high school, wasn’t allowed to get a job so had to earn money in horrible ways which I use to move out then when I thought things were looking up I met an amazing guy who I thought/think the world of then I got injured I lost all my savings been off work and then we got engaged and we fights are scary like violent scary I know I deserve better but I love him but what hurts most is I’ve lost myself after years fighting to find myself and then finally finding myself I’ve lost myself more than ever and I’m continuously fighting everyday to feel useful. I wish I could be who I want to be but I feel so defeated and bodged down. I know this sounds dramatic but I use to feel empty and hollow but it’s like now I can’t even feel empty or hollow I just feel nothing. I would rather feel empty/hollow than feel nothing. Sorry for the ramble i just don’t have anyone else to talk too hahaha @scout1572

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@Birlegalla wrote:

Hey thanks for responding, I use to have professional help I use to see headspace years ago but when I told them about seeing and hearing things and not being able to distinguish what’s real and what’s not they sent me to an intervention centre but that only lasted 2 weeks they told me to come back when it worsens soooo @NatureLover

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@Birlegalla If you'd like some professional support, you can visit your GP and ask for a Mental Health Care Plan. This will entitle you to 10 subsidised sessions with a psychologist per year. The only thing is that psychologists are so overwhelmed with demand at the moment that it could take 6 months to get in to see one. But it's a good idea to get on the waiting list now.

You can help this process by googling then ringing round psychologists in your area to ask: are they taking new patients at the moment, what is the wait time for a new patient to start, what are the costs, etc. Then you can take a name to your GP for the Mental Health Care Plan referral. (GPs might not know which psychologists are taking new patients and which have stopped as they are full.)

Good luck...

@scout1572 gee wiz, That letter took guts. No need to reply. I just tip my hat to you for the courage and honesty . . .t mb1