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I decided to start a new thread, my new chapter in my life is going to focus on healing my traumas, building resilience and self-worth and taking the steps of achieving mood stability. I am praying this year will be better than the last. Last year the SI got really intense, was so close to losing hope and I felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces like shattered glass. It all still feels overwhelming, I have a long way to go on my healing journey, but I think I'm starting to feel a bit more hopeful about the future.
In response to: Piecing the shattered glass together
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
@Kyle1, I guess deep inside I’m afraid of rejection. I’ve learnt to be cautious of even MH professionals, my parents are cautious because they think my meds cause instability, I’ve had bad experiences too. You would’ve thought staying off the phone while in a session with a client was common sense, yet, I once came across a pdoc who did that, and even blamed me for not trying “hard enough” and making up symptoms, I wasn’t even the one using their mobile during appointments :face_with_rolling_eyes:
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
I think I’m afraid of not belonging, that I rather self isolate and avoid being vulnerable than deal with the loneliness of not belonging anywhere.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
tymeModerator
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
From experience, don't try too hard to make yourself belong. Rather, find your tribe. @creative_writer
I used to be so worried about what others thought of me - I went into despair... nowadays, I couldn't care less. I've learnt that I cannot continue to live life with the soul purpose of pleasing others.
You need to come first in this. Do you accept yourself? You need to find belonging within yourself first.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
Kyle1Senior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
Fear of rejection and of not belonging are rather common @creative_writer
And I don't mean to sound condescending, but I think it shows considerable insight and maturity if you've been able to recognise that about yourself.
I still have these fears. They have drenched my shoes and the fumes follow me wherever I go. I take small steps to challenge myself sometimes. But still, I am set back on my heels these days, too. Particularly with health professionals ( since having my confidentiality breached).
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
@tyme and @Kyle1, I feel like I can think more clearly at the moment, was stuck in a haze for a while. Being so depression clogged up my brain, it didn’t give me the ability to reflect to this degree. I finally feel the depression lifting, I believe opening my blinds up in the morning after awakening is having a natural antidepressant effect, even if I don’t get out of bed straight away. I think the problem was I’ve struggled to get out of bed for a while, I’ll end up in the dark room, unmotivated to start moving. However, don’t know how long this will last, Melbourne is known for bleak days in winter.
@Kyle1, I once had confidentiality breached by a GP. I was an adult, I was sent to ED for SI (I had not acted on it at this point) by a GP, who later called by dad to tell him I was going to the hospital. I think just be poorly treated at points in my life brings about anxiety of stigmatisation. My parents just reinforce that anxiety. I know there are good health professionals out there, but I still feel like I must be guarded.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
Kyle1Senior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
I spoke about feeling how I need to be guarded now days with my counsellor today...
I feel like she must be thinking what a waste our time might be together...?
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
@Kyle1, or maybe she is thinking about how much progress you’ve made to admit that you feel as though you need to be guarded with her.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
Kyle1Senior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
it's very strange to me.
Coming from years of DV, anxiety and now pts and depression in the past few months...my counsellors and psych tell me I need the GP's drugs, while my GP tells me I need counselling...
My friends keep telling me " but God " ...
In the middle of all this there are shards of me swirling, clutching for anything to keep from SH. Even just a smile from a stranger. But even that can be a trigger lately, and I've only got me at the end of the day to hold it together.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
@Kyle1, treatment for MH is complex in nature and often needs to be taken from a holistic perspective. I hope it does get easier for you 💜🫂.
In response to: Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
Kyle1Senior Contributor
Re: Piecing the shattered glass together
Thank you 🫂🧡
This morning has been weird yet still one of my better days...
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