Being real

Dear all,

I've been having to take farily long breaks from the forum because I am just finding myself quite overwhelmed.

It started early August when I became quite manic because I had too much going on in my "real" life, and I was spending too much of myself here on the forum too. I was having that awful feeling which is the emotional equivalent to feeling like your bum's hanging out of your pants - I couldn't contain myself emotionally. It was really horrid and confronting.

Lots was going on for me then - including going to my intake counselling appointment at ECASA (which took nearly a year to do from first deciding to go), having to drive my 6yo daughter on a weekly 2 hour round trip to access the child trauma therapy I finally found for her, still going into the city weekly for my usual therapy appointment/shopping trip, and joining my local council's Health & Well-being Advisory Group as a community representative (quarterly meetings, do-able I thought). So when I realised I was manic took a big step back and forced myself to take things much more quietly for a while.

It took several weeks, but it worked. For the first time I self-managed down from a manic episode without crashing or medication. I had a lot of encouragement from my psych, who is lovely & compassionate. I was really proud of myself.

And now here we are 3 months later and I find I'm there again. The reality is that I have had some huge stuff going on. I had a major break-through with my PTSD in realising why I started every school day dealing with hyper-arousal: it was 45 years of habit - I'd spent my first couple of years of that daily routine (when I was 5 & 6) knowing I would see one of my abusers - he worked at the school. The realisation dropped my trigger levels immediately and since then my arousal levels have stayed fairly low, so managing my C-PTSD has been (relatively) much easier.

It's just as well, because a cuple of days later I found out (from two separate sources) that one of our horrid next door neighbours (who like to bully everyone) was accused of abusing a foster child years ago. I have two young girls, a 13yo & a 6yo. You can perhaps imagine how I felt. I even considered selling my house. I ended up going and talking to the local police, and am now working through the neighbours with kids - just saying that this is what he was accused of, that I don't know for sure. What I do know is that he is more than ok with bullying a grown woman if he cam get away with it, flattening my tyres at night (when there's nothing wrong with them), pulling apart the boundary fence so it's easier for him to get through at night - so he's entirely capable of such things.

I've also had the owner of a small business I contracted some time ago trying to bully me into paying nearly twice what I'd been quoted, dragging it to the debt collectors & now to a lawyer. I've been managing to stand up to him too.

Through all of this there have been huge changes going on with the MH support services & provider in the transition to NDIS. Most of this has been really poorly communicated and I've found myself advocating on my own & others behalf about it. Because I am able to.

A couple of my close friends have also been bullied long term by DHS & CPS simply because they both have a MI. When they report the abuse (including CSA) by their children's respective fathers they are told they have an MI and they need to go to mediation. No investigation or anything. One of them had her children taken away and she had to go to court to get them back, because her child reported the father's abuse at school (& school did the right thing & reported to CPS). So I have been doing what I can to support them too, even if that's just listening and seeing/telling them what beautiful strong and loving mums they are - continuing to stand up and try to protect their kids in the face of overwhleming odds. It is frankly heart-breaking at times.

A couple of weeks ago I was reading up about domestic violence, and what stops women from leaving. I realised just how incredibly emotionally abusive my former partner was when we were together. He's much more respectful now, but I've actually asked him to find his own place and said living on the streets is not acceptable. This has been enormously confronting for me, I knew he was abusive back then - but I never realised how much I used to be under his thrall.

Then last week my 17yo son said he was moving out to live at a mate's house (who's still at home with his mum). I have been pushing my son to be more respectful and take more responsibiltiy for contributing to the household, including financially, as he is doing an apprenticeship. When he complained about how much board I wanted I suggested he look at how much it would cost him to go and rent on the market, never mind buying food/clothing, paying for utilities etc.

I didn't want him to move out, but I'm not going to fight him about it either. I know his friend's mum and she's someone I trust to look after him. I've realised maybe it's for the best. He and I had a really good talk last week about it all. But to be honest I am quite upset about it. Maybe it's because he's my first-born, or because he's still quite young - I don't know.

Anyway that's some of my news for the last couple of months, and I am needing to work very hard at staying on an even keel at the moment. Someitmes I find myself getting quite manic, and at others I am wobbling the other way towards depression.

Regards, Kristin