Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

Hi there,

I've written several times on this post. I've again been trying to get though to Samaritans, but understandably they are busy. As I've said previously, I find them better for me than CrisisCare, as they don't suggest they can call ambulance, police etc. I'm just having a bit of a hard time right now.

I wrote a post titled "Mental health worker with depression- a double isolator" which got a wonderful, heartfelt response, which I was so grateful for. I feel awful as I've only reached out to a few of you guys, but that's all the energy I have had, and I've tried to support when I can. So Thank You all who responded. I so want to be there for you guys as I know you 'get it' like no other can.

I read on a FB thing asking for feedback on SANE. I hope it's not shutting down???? I can't imagine not being able to pour out everything to you guys.

My hubby is still away (FIFO), but back Thursday night, thank goodness. As I have said in the past, I have major depression and anxiety, with specific phobias (uncooked meat being one - so I burn EVERY meat or fish we eat! And killing someone whilst driving another). It's been 2 weeks since my hubby left. I'm nearly there, regarding his return, but I feel so alone. My last post was actually quite positive, but now I'm feeling crap again. In case you don't know, I'm a therapist, working in mental health in a VERY small country town. I find I stand on a tight rope of 'normalcy' when I am "well", but the slightest thing can tip me over. I've had a strange moment with a friend, and it's getting to me - way too much I know, but it's hard to stop the voices saying end it. I won't end it, but I m self medicating - something I warned a client about just today - oh the irony!

I was due to see a psych tomorrow, but postponed it because I just can't drive at the moment very far. My husbands brother died in a car crash 15 years ago, and I lost my fiancee to terminal cancer 12 years ago, so just can't bear the thought of dying in a car - or more importantly, killing someone else. A car hitting ME as a pedestrian... yes that's often a fantasy, but it's about ME being behind the wheel...

I have metal rods and 14 long screws in my back and am facing more surgery. I'm always in pain, so rely on drugs including diazepam to get me through each day, which is no good when driving. I can't bear the thought of ebing responsible for my child's death when I'm driving, or killing someone else because I'm on meds and therefore a bit out of it. I have an auto-immune disease, so I can't write well with a pen, or open a can with a can opener, or tickle my son (that really hurts). Every day starts the same, I know I'm awake because I'm in pain. nothing doesn't hurt from my head down to my feet. They say there is nothing they can do. I can't go on with this pain. My husband comes home from the mine and has to look after me and our son..... to a degree. I do do stuff, I work, but it's 'passive' work - if you know what I mean. I know I'm rambling....

I'm still trying to get through to Samaritans. They are still busy. But this rant of mine has helped dull the voices. I feel so very alone. Please know that I DO care about you all. I just have no energy right now.

I can't believe my last post was so.... in a round about way, positive. And now here I am needing support again. MI is a bas@#$d. If you've never had it, you really can't understand, which I apreciate and look at those people with green eyes. I hope you are all going okay tonight. I'm going to make a real effort to be there for you too. Just know this - your MI is NOT your fault. It's genetic, it's an equation. Genetics + predisposition + stressor = MI. You are not alone. I am not alone, and this has helped. Thank You if you have beared with me long enough to read this far. I really will try to be there, as so many of you have for me. With all the best thoughts for all of you who are, have been, or could be where I am right now, I feel for you. And will try to support you. You're not alone,

Whim x