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Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

WhimSenior Contributor24 Oct 2016, 11:33 pm AEDT

Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

Hi there,

I've written several times on this post. I've again been trying to get though to Samaritans, but understandably they are busy. As I've said previously, I find them better for me than CrisisCare, as they don't suggest they can call ambulance, police etc. I'm just having a bit of a hard time right now.

I wrote a post titled "Mental health worker with depression- a double isolator" which got a wonderful, heartfelt response, which I was so grateful for. I feel awful as I've only reached out to a few of you guys, but that's all the energy I have had, and I've tried to support when I can. So Thank You all who responded. I so want to be there for you guys as I know you 'get it' like no other can.

I read on a FB thing asking for feedback on SANE. I hope it's not shutting down???? I can't imagine not being able to pour out everything to you guys.

My hubby is still away (FIFO), but back Thursday night, thank goodness. As I have said in the past, I have major depression and anxiety, with specific phobias (uncooked meat being one - so I burn EVERY meat or fish we eat! And killing someone whilst driving another). It's been 2 weeks since my hubby left. I'm nearly there, regarding his return, but I feel so alone. My last post was actually quite positive, but now I'm feeling crap again. In case you don't know, I'm a therapist, working in mental health in a VERY small country town. I find I stand on a tight rope of 'normalcy' when I am "well", but the slightest thing can tip me over. I've had a strange moment with a friend, and it's getting to me - way too much I know, but it's hard to stop the voices saying end it. I won't end it, but I m self medicating - something I warned a client about just today - oh the irony!

I was due to see a psych tomorrow, but postponed it because I just can't drive at the moment very far. My husbands brother died in a car crash 15 years ago, and I lost my fiancee to terminal cancer 12 years ago, so just can't bear the thought of dying in a car - or more importantly, killing someone else. A car hitting ME as a pedestrian... yes that's often a fantasy, but it's about ME being behind the wheel...

I have metal rods and 14 long screws in my back and am facing more surgery. I'm always in pain, so rely on drugs including diazepam to get me through each day, which is no good when driving. I can't bear the thought of ebing responsible for my child's death when I'm driving, or killing someone else because I'm on meds and therefore a bit out of it. I have an auto-immune disease, so I can't write well with a pen, or open a can with a can opener, or tickle my son (that really hurts). Every day starts the same, I know I'm awake because I'm in pain. nothing doesn't hurt from my head down to my feet. They say there is nothing they can do. I can't go on with this pain. My husband comes home from the mine and has to look after me and our son..... to a degree. I do do stuff, I work, but it's 'passive' work - if you know what I mean. I know I'm rambling....

I'm still trying to get through to Samaritans. They are still busy. But this rant of mine has helped dull the voices. I feel so very alone. Please know that I DO care about you all. I just have no energy right now.

I can't believe my last post was so.... in a round about way, positive. And now here I am needing support again. MI is a bas@#$d. If you've never had it, you really can't understand, which I apreciate and look at those people with green eyes. I hope you are all going okay tonight. I'm going to make a real effort to be there for you too. Just know this - your MI is NOT your fault. It's genetic, it's an equation. Genetics + predisposition + stressor = MI. You are not alone. I am not alone, and this has helped. Thank You if you have beared with me long enough to read this far. I really will try to be there, as so many of you have for me. With all the best thoughts for all of you who are, have been, or could be where I am right now, I feel for you. And will try to support you. You're not alone,

Whim x

26 replies

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In response to: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

WhimSenior Contributor24 Oct 2016, 11:47 pm AEDT

Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

I'm so sorry, I don't think I can edit my post and I put on there that I was worried that SANE was being checked or something to see how viable it is. I don't want ANYONE to think it's not going to be around, as it helps SOOOOO many of us. PLEASE don't think it is. It was probably just a survey. It was on my FB, and I tried to click to say how amazing you guys are, but couldn't get it to work. But my computer is very old, and I do have trouble with it. It's not going anywhere. The thought of putting anxiety into anyone of you is awful, so I'm very sorry......

Whim

In response to: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

KurraSenior Contributor25 Oct 2016, 12:14 am AEDT

Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

Hi @Whim

As you are aware MI does not discriminate. If you have a vulnerability + the right (wrong) trigger MI can develop.

Try to remember that the nagging SI messages are merely thoughts unless you have a plan. Do you have a plan
Whim? You've mentioned that you experience chronic pain. As I live with severe pain 24/7 I do have a good comprehension of what you deal with each day. Pain certainly does diminish our capacity to cope. It certainly affects us not only physically but also mentally. Do you think anxiety might be a part of the mix? Severe pain is often exacerbated muscle tension. As the pain increases we tighten our muscles to try to protect ourselves from the pain..This only serves to increase the level of pain.

Early this year I realised that I have a real problem with anxiety. I eventually spoke to my GP about my high anxiety. He added an antidepressant that is especially effective for anxiety. Within 4 days I found my pain levels had decreased and I was constantly smiling real smiles.

Once more I'm asking if you have a plan. Are you seriously considering killing yourself.

Right beside you Whim 💕🎶

Thinking of you.

In response to: Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

AppleblossomSenior Contributor25 Oct 2016, 12:46 am AEDT

Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

Hello @Whim

I am struck by the concerned therapist in you trumping the wounded inner child. You actually care about the positive effect of the forum on the community of people who have times of ill health. I so know that MI does not mean people are selfish .. I see it again & again.

I am another with a physical pain component to my disability .. it is very difficult .. and I am afraid I have felt this way for so long I have a lot of plans .. the point is whether I can talk myself out of them, before I carry them out... yes a lot of inner conflict .. but you know all that.

Keep posting ... for your own self expression .. and to support others when you feel thats the right thing.

I am concerned about the lack of ongoing "supervision" or support for counsellors in general. Its a tough gig. GOOD Policy decisions really need to be made to stem the tide of suffering.

Take care @Whim... I like your name .. I am learning to respect my whims a bit more ... but not all whims are the same ... I allowed myself to get carried away in a non-productive fashion this week ... which is having consequences ... I hope good will prevail in the long run.

Gentleigh Bentleigh

In response to: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

PurpleFlowersSenior Contributor25 Oct 2016, 7:37 am AEDT

Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

Hi @Whim

Sorry to hear you are feeling such despair and I hope you find some relief very soon. From parts of your story that you share, it makes sense that your having such a difficult time (doing it mostly solo as a mum with hubby away alot and working in mental health, being there for others and on top of that living in daily pain). Throw in grief, loss, phobias and a few extra things and I ask myself why wouldnt your feel so bad (not wny are you). I hope you can feel the compassion and care coming through our words and that it permeates the places that are in most need. Take good care, hoping you have relief soon..:)

In response to: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

KurraSenior Contributor26 Oct 2016, 12:32 am AEDT

Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

Hi @Whim

Sorry. I wrote you a long message but lost it. I must sleep now but I'll get back to you tomorrow. Take care and hold on tight.
Luv n Hugzzz 💕 🎶

In response to: Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

WhimSenior Contributor26 Oct 2016, 12:39 am AEDT

Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

Hi @PurpleFlowers

Thank you very much for your response. I hope you are going okay at the moment.

Yes, there are many stressors that certainly don't help my depression/anxiety. The depression is definitely the loudest voice at the moment, but yes, your words do help permeate the sadness in me, and you will never know how grateful I am. I wrote a long post to Kurra, and am honestly just tapped out at the moment. I can't write anymore really, I would just be repeating myself, but I do mean this..... THANK YOU for your support. As I keep saying, I hope soon to be better enough to support others on this amazing site. Thank goodness for it. You are genuinely in my thoughts.

Whim x

In response to: Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

WhimSenior Contributor26 Oct 2016, 12:40 am AEDT

Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

No problem! Sleep well. I hope it is a gentle nurturing sleep for you.

Speak soon,

Whim x

In response to: Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

WhimSenior Contributor26 Oct 2016, 12:48 am AEDT

Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

Hi @Appleblossom

Thanks so much for your reply. Your response to me tells me that you are a very perceptive person, which is a real gift. Hold it tight.

I'm so sorry but I'm so exhausted from crying and pacing and all that that I have to try to sleep. Sleep hasn't come easy for me since my ex fiance was ill with cancer, 12 years ago. I slept on an edge because of any noise/movement he made. Since then I can't sleep well, and have to have a DVD on on my computer to get to sleep at all.

I'm so sorry that you too have pain, physical I mean! It's so tiring, debilitating and misunderstood. And yes, I do believe it wires our brains differently, and adds to depression.

You said you had had an unproductive week so far.... I've had many so understand! It adds pressure doesn't it? But just know that you can only do what you can do, and that you are doing the absolute best that you can.

My name! Yes, a whim.... oh if only life were so simple! But yes, I like my chosen name too, it holds some feeling of hope, I hope....

I wish you a good sleep, and a day tomorrow that brings you some lightness.

Thanks again,

Whim x

In response to: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

KurraSenior Contributor26 Oct 2016, 12:53 am AEDT

Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

Hmm so do I @Whim I've a 12hr day at work tomorrow but sometimes pain prevents me from getting to sleep quickly. I've run out of the muscle relaxant med that I take at night only.

Hold on tight lass until this rough patch starts to improve. You can do it. I know that and the inside you knows it too.

Luv n Hugzzz 💕 🎶

In response to: Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

WhimSenior Contributor26 Oct 2016, 12:54 am AEDT

Re: Hi again. Lonely, feeling like I can't stop the voices of despair. In so much pain.

Hi @Kurra

So sorry, this had to be reposted as I used the names of medications, which is absolutely fair enough. So I'm reposting, taking out the drug names etc. I'm reposting as it was a respose to a kind soul, and I don't want them not to get my reply. Thank you x

Thanks for your lovely response, and sorry it's taken a bit for me to reply. I'm so glad that your SSRI (I'm guessing) has helped with your pain, anxiety, and given you the ability to really smile.

Yes I do have anxiety and major depression. I take a drug which is good for dep and anxiety.

Regarding the suicidal ideation..... Where do I start? Every day I am haunted by the wierdest images or ideas. I don't know if I've said this on this site (the only one I use, thank God for SANE, and for all of YOU), but to give you an idea..... this is getting dirty and personal now (!) I was on the toilet a few weeks ago, with TP in my hand, and had this desire/image/wish to stuff it down my throat until I couldn't breathe and would die. But my 6 yr old son was there, chatting away, and so the thought dissapated in a few minutes, but still hung over me for hours. Yes, I have a stash of meds. Because of 2 massive back surgeries I have many strong morphine drugs, diazepam etc. I keep my 'stash' in a safe on top of our cupboard. But I look at it often. My husband has to put up with so much, with my back, our son having high functioning autism/adhd (still in process of official diagnosis, but paeadiatrician agreed he has the classic symptoms), no family nearby, and not many true friends. The only thing that gets me through is this site, samaritans, and the knowledge that to suicide would be so very hurtful to my family. If only it could be accidental. I often think of myself in regards to (I think it's Munck) "Death and the maiden" image. She is wrapping herself around him, in a loving embrace. I have a dangerous love affair with the idea of death.

But no, tonight, I am safe. I'm not good, but I'm not going to do anything. Is this site 'policed' for SI in people? Do you do anything? I pray to whatever God you/I believe in that you don't. As this is the only place I am actually 100% honest.

Today has been hard. My son knows something isn't right. The false smile to a sensitive child (as they all are at this age), is recognised, I know, and is worrying, and makes me feel even worse. It's the 3pm onwards that I struggle with the most, when I'm on my own with our boy, and I know I have no-one I can turn to. I fear I have caused, through genetics, his problems. I watched him in the bath tonight playing with his own poo (a common occurance, pooing in the bath and being 'fine' about it) and felt so awful that he has to put up with me. A six yr old shouldn't be saying to his mother "I've put my clothes on the chair so you don't have to bend down Mummy". He deserves better. So does my husband. I just don't know how to be that right now, or ever.

Thank you Kurra for your response. You are very good with the way you respond to people. Very good questions, put in such a gentle way, and such kind and sharing words regarding your own journey through MI.

I sincerely thank you.

Whim x

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