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Self Medicating Again

utopiaSenior Contributor24 Oct 2016, 9:28 pm AEDT

Self Medicating Again

Am so embarrassed and ashamed to admit this - but I've been drinking again these past 2 weeks & everyday bar one - for the past week.
So of course my mood is low. Depression and alcohol don't mix. I can't work on my anxiety. I don't want to listen to one more relaxation ap or do another breathing exercise or meditation. I don't want to write in my journal. Or do the gardening or dance to music. I just feel like wallowing in self bleeping pity and being self destructive.
Of course - because I've gone off the rails - my mind has nothing but negative self talk to say.
So need to rant here and put down all this negative shite & hope and pray that tomorrow will be another day.
what a bloody hypocrite I've been.

26 replies

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In response to: Self Medicating Again

Unknown userMember24 Oct 2016, 11:36 pm AEDT

Re: Self Medicating Again

I'm not really sure @Former-Member. I guess sleep first then someone to help get the stuff that's swirling in my head out. I've been begging for the last few weeks for that. I need someone who can help ask the right questions and help get everything out and then sorted out. My therapist is not helping so much with this right now. I'm feeling more and more angry and frustrated with everything. There is no answer to it. I have no other options

In response to: Self Medicating Again

utopiaSenior Contributor24 Oct 2016, 11:57 pm AEDT

Re: Self Medicating Again

@Former-Member. You didn't crash this post. You joined in because we are going through a similar situation. This is where we share - on this forum. And It's right to add your feelings to this post.
Only difference is we self medicate with different drugs - that's all.
And we will both be better one day soon and will just remember this as a slight step back. Not a failure. Even if we feel that way.
As I said before - I'm hapoy to support each other through this - if you are comfortable with that.

In response to: Re: Self Medicating Again

Unknown userMember25 Oct 2016, 12:00 am AEDT

Re: Self Medicating Again

Thanks @utopia💜🤗

i hope your psych helps on Thursday.💜😊🤗💐

In response to: Re: Self Medicating Again

Unknown userMember25 Oct 2016, 12:02 am AEDT

Re: Self Medicating Again

What do you what to get out @Former-Member . So much of what you are experiencing/feeling/thinking resonates with me- so you are not alone. I am feeling quite frustrated too.

I think what you are doing and not being judgemental, I hope this mite help but is causing you more pain and distress. I often ask myself, is this action/behaviour adding to my recovering or keeping me stuck/added pain. I then stop the behaviour and focus my attention on my recovering and moving foward in a healthy way.

I'm not sure if this is helping and if you just need to rest on it and pick this back up when you have a clearer headspace. I think you have plenty of options. I do know of a treatment facility that would help you but you need private insurance to go in there.

In response to: Self Medicating Again

utopiaSenior Contributor25 Oct 2016, 12:14 am AEDT

Re: Self Medicating Again

@Former-Member. My anxiety has risen since having a drdam about my first love from when I was 16. I knew something was wrong back then but I didn't know what 'it' was. Over the years as I have learnt more about the cruel people of the world - I have put two and two together and realised it was violent abuse he suffered at the hands of the church. He wants to meet to discuss this face to face - but it is just taking so long. It has been 23 days since we spoke about the dream & the violence and drugs etc he dealt with later. For 30 years I worried that he was dead. I knew he was at a high risk for dangerous drug use - even back then. I discussed it with him at the time. But he dismissed my fears. Your first love is always someone you hold close in your heart.And my hheart has been in fear for 30 years.
The anxiety our reconnecting and knowing just a little of his story - is so different from my usual causes of anxiety - that my normal tooks don't work.
I need to see him and talk so that ivcan finally put these fears to rest. But the waiting for him to find the time to visit (I live hours away)- is literally sending me batty.
My psychologist has read our correspondence - with old friends details blanked out - & all he says is to sit with the anxiety & that he sees a strong connection and honesty with our writting - and that maybe after 10 years - I am ready to love again - to trust someone again. And then he smirks and says this is an exciting time. I should embrace it. But no - it is a terrifying time. If he ooens up to me - I have to be strong to handle his story. I have to let go of my fears for him. I have to close the chapter and remember that I loved a 16 year old - not this adult. All bloody confusing. And chaotic

In response to: Re: Self Medicating Again

Unknown userMember25 Oct 2016, 12:22 am AEDT

Re: Self Medicating Again

@Former-Member

What helps me when I am stuck on something in my thoughts, I need to get physically do something (self care,problem solve, exercise). Set yourself some goals.

Did the therpist say something that made you feel negative towards yourself?

Because those feelings of frustration/angry is usually caused by feeling hurt and also not being able to experess ourselves. I'm not sure if I am close to what is happening for you.

In response to: Re: Self Medicating Again

Unknown userMember25 Oct 2016, 12:39 am AEDT

Re: Self Medicating Again

Thanks @Former-Member,

there are lots of things that have been happening lately and lots of relationships to deal with like you which are complicated. Then there's so many questions about identity and then there's other stuff about failure and a few others. Lately I've been building lots of internal anger that get s turned into SI then the planning and obsession takes over until I'm waiting to implode and self harm. Usually I'm getting better at understanding and working on strategies but I've been purposely making things worse and self destructing and I desperately want to understand why. I'm turning into someone I don't recognise. There's other stuff but I can't talk about on here. Thanks for trying to help. I guess it's helped a bit getting it out. I know I have to work it out better. I am screaming on the inside at the moment like so many here on the forum. I sometimes don't think my mental health team hear that screaming I. Silence. I hope you are doing ok take care 💜😊🤗💐

@utopia I can't feel what you are but I know if I were in your shoes I would have the same kind of messed up brain and feelings too. I know I'd be the same as you with it. Go gently she says, easy for me to write, hard to do. Take care 💜😊🤗💐

In response to: Self Medicating Again

utopiaSenior Contributor25 Oct 2016, 12:47 am AEDT

Re: Self Medicating Again

You too @Former-Member. Gentle with ourselves. Our journeys are different, but the anxiety and self destructive behavior can be very similar

In response to: Re: Self Medicating Again

AppleblossomSenior Contributor25 Oct 2016, 1:05 am AEDT

Re: Self Medicating Again

@utopia your statement about the degree of self medicating and about being able to own up to it with psyche is powerful and can be healing.

I never had an alcohol problem, but I remember I went through similar thoughts and feelings before I finally did quit smoking for good ..

You are on meds so that degree of alcohol is not a good idea .. which you do realise .. I know I slipped up once more after I went through that process ... you have just done .. but knew it was just a blip and I could give up .. after then .. what ever had me hooked into the habit .. just wasnt relevant any more .. I also do things like keep the thing around .. at times .. to ensure I have mastery over it .. not it over me.

@Former-Member Your description of your racing thoughts and brain overload ... is very much me a great deal of the time ... I really do find ... the physicality of gardening, walking and music help me keep mind body & soul connected. I know you are flat out with a big brood and love art .. but are there any other YOU things you can take up that can help mediate or even distract from the negative thoughts .. while you sort out your priorities .. get butcher paper out ... and scribble as fast as the thoughts fly ... try and mind map it ...

thinking of you all ... more sisters ... thats nice.

Hi @Former-Member Havent heard from zoo .. they extended the cut-off date til today.

I took my night meds early 9.30 and tried to sleep .. but couldnt ... wired ... I had a physically active and productive day ... getting things sorted .. I always knew I needed enough to stop an elephant .. so they will probably have to up the meds .. but I will do it under med supervision. For the last 30 years I have been relaxed about my alcohol consumption ... a comfortable 3 bottles of wine a year ... approx ... now with heavier med regime ... I think I have to cut it out entirely ... too many interactions ... but thats ok ... still not ready to drive again .. maybe in a week???

In response to: Self Medicating Again

utopiaSenior Contributor25 Oct 2016, 11:44 am AEDT

Re: Self Medicating Again

@Former-Member. No need to respond. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you & am here anytime you may need me.
We will both overcome this period in our lives.
♥♥♥

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