sent home by ED in a state

Hi everyone and thanks for the kind words.

For the first time I have really reached out for help and again my hand was slapped away by mental health services. I know looking at those websites where they said all the same horrible stuff as my partner totally triggered me and sent me into the worst episode I have had in my life. My anxiety was a 10, my depression was a 10, my rage was a 10, suicidal thoughts were a 10 and was feeling terrified and completely out of control. I spoke to mental health triage and they told me to go to the hospital. I left work at lunch (they think something else was wrong) went to local ED and was treated like a complete nuisance. I waited by myself in a hysterical state in the hospital for 2.5 hours, then a very young lady doctor spoke to me and maybe because of the state I was in but I'm definite she rolled her eyes at me. The they sent in the mental health woman who was the same lady I had in DBT, I was so glad to see a familiar face but that soon turned into complete rage. She asked how I was and then just started lecturing me how I should have my DBT book with me in the hospital, saying things that she didnt even know like you have felt this way before you will feel better again, I tried to explain no I havent felt this severe that's why I'm here because I dont know whats going one with me, she actually then said to me "what did you hope to achieve by coming here" I told her to get breathing space to make sure I'm safe and others are safe, maybe check my meds and I was told by mental health triage to come. She said to me you know there are no real meds for BPD and you know you will get over this, meanwhile I'm trying to admit 2 other patients. No compassion I was basically treated like a child having a tantrum (classic BPD), she then walked off and said its going to be hours before anyone can see you I think you should go home. I then stormed off as my rage built that much I thought I was going to tear the ED apart. I then was so much in a rage and so much more depressed and feeling completely worthless I was adamant I was going to do something stupid just to spite her - I didnt obviously. I was hardly in a condition to drive but I made it home. I had sent a text to my partner from the hospital. When I got home I just collapsed in bed in a total mess and what happens I get another lecture from my partner - basically the exact same thing.

So it appears no one gives a shit if you have BPD and well I had to make a decision over the weekend I guess do I want to live or not. If I do I have to know that its a lonely path as there is no one in my life to support me physically, not even mental health services! I guess I want to keep going otherwise I wouldnt be here. Things are now much better at home, I'm calm but not sure how I'm feeling except for guilty, very ashamed and stupid.

When I told this lady that I was going to be reassessed so that my meds could be reviewed she said I was wasting peoples time and that my GP has no idea and no one really understands BPD.

WAY TO GO MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES!!!!!

I have only learnt that I will never reach out again, it seems the very few times I have in my life I get mocked and get no help and made to feel even worthless by society and mental health services and it just secures my beliefs that people are horrible and nasty and I would rather live my life in total isolation.