Feeling desperate

Thank-you @Former-Member, it sounds like you and I have a lot in common.....which under the circumstances is sad but at the same time I find it comforting. I wrote on here because I felt so overwhelmed. I love my husband dearly but his way of dealing with our loss is to just move on. He doesn't understand why I am feeling so distressed. My youngest daughter is trying to hold it together until she has finished Yr 12 so she is doing everything possible to avoid thinking about her loss. She asked if we could treat her sisters birthday, like any other day (just this year) I would do anything to ease her pain. I know everyone deals with grief differently. But she gets cross with me sleeping all day (my avoidance strategy) when nothing's done in the house. My husband and daughter do not understand MI. They both mean well, but they don't understand why I don't have a shower or have trouble getting out of bed. I just need to know that I am not a total misfit, that there are other people who struggle like I do.

They have gone to spend a few days with my husband's parents, who also mean well but are of the "pull your socks up" mentality. I think they both needed a break from my grim low mood, but I actually needed a break from there well-meaning expectations that I should be able to 'snap' out of the way I am feeling. Plus I feel guilty that I am not being what they need me to be, so then I feel worse. I already feel a little better because I can lay in bed and not worry about what anyone thinks. Reading that other people struggle in ways I relate to has also helped. As has the kind words and advice that everyone has given.

I also needed to hear that I should not feel this intensely miserable forever. It honestly felt like I would.

Thank you for all your help TAWNEY and hugs back. X

I like that quote @Former-Member; "what other people are thinking, is none of your business".

My faith has taken a beating over the past few years. Believing in God was one of the things which sustained me when I was growing up....Him and my animals. It is not that I no longer believe in Him...He just feels far away at present. Not sure how to explain...

They are due home tomorrow afternoon @Former-Member. I feel heaps better than I did when I first posted here.

I had emailed my friend who understands MI, to see if I could catch up with her for a cuppa this weekend. That shows how desperate I was feeling, cause I don't normally arrange catch-ups. When she emailed back to say she was away for the weekend I panicked. I felt so wretched.

I have found this forum really helpful...it is weird..."feeling desperate" summed up how I was feeling...but now it sounds so melodramatic.

Hi @Misty1

I was so pleased to read that you are feeling better now - I have been thinking of you a lot wondering how you were going.

You are right in saying that everyone handles grief differently, as with your husband believing it best to move on and daughter wanting to treat her sisters birthday like any other day. The pain/grief is just too much for them. I could be wrong but the only problem I can see with this is that if they don't allow themselves to grieve properly and "feel the pain" now - it will come back and hit them in other ways later on.

Its good to see you still posting on here - please know we will always be here for you whenever you wish to talk or need support. Sending warm hugs and lots of love 💕

Thanks @Former-Member, I honestly found the forum a huge help. I spent the majority of the last four days in bed... I know that doesn't sound very proactive but I think I must have needed a rest.

I worry about my youngest daughter bottling up her grief, but also know she is trying valiantly to keep it together until after her yr 12 exams are finished.

When my husband was 9 he was diagnosed with leukaemia, had a relapse, long story short the treatment damaged blood vessels in his head. At the start of last year he suffered a stroke. He is heaps better than he was, but doubt he will ever be quite the same. He comes from a family who are highly intelligent but have very poor emotional intelligence. They just don't do emotions. When I was in a psychiatric hospital, many years ago, his mother rang me and told me I was destroying the family and to stop playing games. It has taken me 27 years to work out that she doesn't mean harm she just doesn't get MI. Unless she can see a physical problem there is not one. She does stoic really well.

The moving on is what my husband's whole family have done.

Your daughter is being very brave @Misty1. She may allow herself to grieve once her exams are out of the way.

Your husband has been through a lot - I would imagine that it was very possible that he would of experienced depression as a result of his stroke. Very stoic indeed. I admire his fortitude.

I do understand what you mean about people not understanding MI - it's usually the way we are raised in how we handle and deal with life events. My strength came in later life as I never had a good role model (childhood abuse survivor).

Repression of emotional pain is not a good thing in my experience as it feeds it and can be overwhelming. I became weary of wearing the mask pretending all was well - it was such a relief when I gained the courage to open up and reach out as that was the beginning of my healing. I can only hope it continues to serve me with the situation I find myself in with my daughter. So far so good.

Grief takes its toll on the body and listening to your needs of physical rest and acting on it was wise, it would of done you the world of good. You will know when you are ready to take that next step and move forward - everyones limitations are different and we move forward at our own pace. Go easy on you as you have been through hell. We get you and care. Warm hugs xx

Thank you @Former-Member, hugs back!

Hubby did get depressed. He also gets frustrated and feels down because as he puts it his " body is falling apart". He can't do things as well as he used to. But he is a walking miracle. Because he was not expected to survive, they gave him a trial drug. He is one of the only survivors of his type of illness from the year he was treated, because when he was sick, very few kids pulled through. Being used as a guinea pig saved his life. When we were married we had tests done because of the type of treatment he was given during his formative years. We were told we had a 5% chance of conceiving a baby. We had three kids.