Feeling desperate

I just read your responding posts @Misty1. I'm really pleased it helped you to come here and find support from reading my post. Please keep talking here if it helps. You are right that often out in the real world no one has a clue how to help or what is really going on for you. It appears from your post you had already suffered more than most with your upbringing. Please remember that you are not to blame for anything that's happened. I know this is impossible to feel but it is the truth. I carry so much guilt and shame too. I really believe you can find a way forward with all this but you will need to put you first for a bit. I hated hearing this part but I believe it is mostly true is that time and future experiences will help you heal. I don't ever believe that time heals all but I think time plus therapy and support dims things a little and finds the space you need to survive in. 💜😊

Hi @Misty1

You are right - you do need to share your experiences of life with other people - but they need to be the right people

People who are telling your to "stop wallowing and pull your socks up" are not friends - they are too busy trying to make you be who you used to be and you will never be that person again - and not airing your dirty lauundry in public - your daughter died - and that is hardly dirty laundry

They don't understand - they have no idea - but here - we do - we know only too well

It is better to have a few friends than people being so critical and small minded

Decadian

Oh @Misty1 - my heart goes right out to you. Sending you a big warm hug. Your pain would be I describable - let me assure you "that this is not your fault" in any way.

My daughter had a serious suicide attempt approx 2 months ago. My husband found her and knew what to do and saved her the first time before being rushed by ambulance. The doctors said it was a miracle she was alive and had not acquired permanent brain damage. If not for my husband she would not be here.

She is 20 yrs old and also was raped and sexually assaulted on numerous occasions when she was not in our care at 16 yrs old. There was nothing we could do to protect her as by law she is an adult and could come and go as she pleased. She was also bullied at school. Her attempt was because of an abusive relationship she is in and she despaired. She was serious to end her life and she could do it again as she won't leave the partner. Her self esteem is an all time low. It's a waiting time for us presently.

Like you my child is my world and all I ever wanted for her was to be happy with a safe loving, stable home. All we can do my friend is our best to provide this. I also had a breakdown 5 yrs ago. This is not the reason our children did this - they were despairing usually because of abuse by others and low self esteem, and mostly they "tell no one of their pain". Because of this reason they find their pain overwhelming and can't deal with it. Nothing to do with your parenting my friend - nothing at all. You loved your daughter and did everything humanly best for your daughter. None of us are perfect but we would never intentionally hurt our loved ones. Don't punish yourself over something that is not your fault (I did the same).

I can't emphasis enough that this is not your fault and your perceived guilt is a normal feeling after such a tragedy but isn't true. Allow forgiveness for yourself as your daughter would not want this and "let your guilt go.". This is the first step towards being able to carry your grief; allowing yourself to properly grieve your daughter's loss. She knows you love her and does not blame you. You know deep in your heart this is true. Trust me. Let it go.

There are support groups for those who have lost loved ones through suicide. Someone here should pop on with the name of the organisation but you will find it in your area with a google search. You are not alone my friend and I am here for you if you should want to talk further.

Its totally understanble that you are depressed. I think it's wonderful that you are still there for your other daughter and this will also help you to move forward. Keep going. But equally important to also find some alone time to grieve and talk to others about how you are feeling (friends or support groups). Sometimes others will pull away because they do not know what to say. This is where support groups are invaluable.

i can't tell you that your pain will go away anytime soon but I can tell you it will lessen in time. And that you have a lot to live for - your family who need you. They will understand why you are depressed, they would be to - don't feel guilty about that either. Do your best to be there for them but also express your need for support. You can all be there for each other now - the onus is not just on you. Be kind to yourself as you have had a enormous loss and let yourself grieve without guilt. Suicde is the worse grief as it passes the pain on. You are a good loving mother who has experienced a tragedy not of your making. Your daughter took a permanent way out of a temporary situation as she was in despair and didn't reach out. I am glad you have. Please seek out the support group and know we are here for you. Please keep posting. Warm hugs 💕Xxx

@Decadian, I don't know how I can survive feeling worse than I do right now, if it's only the beginning of feeling like this. Though it explains why I am feeling progressively worse, which I thought was odd.

My parents went to compassionate friends after my brother died. They found it helpful but said the other parents had lost children through natural causes and didn't understand that their grief was different. I don't think like my parents, so that would not bother me. However I am not very good with strangers... I am shy. A bit of social anxiety still lingers.

I have never been able to ring things like lifeline, even when I was suicidal. l find it hard to ask for help. I would never ring my Psychiatrist to say I was struggling even though I know and trust him.

@Former-Member, I am sorry about your daughter. Before she died, my daughter made several suicide attempts. I felt so helpless. It is so hard, when you have no control over the damaging actions of someone you love. I wish love was enough.

Yes @Misty1 - I understand - you are a shy and private person - and it is hard for you to let someone know how bad it is - but you are doing well here - other people are joining the conversation and adding their experiences -

You are not alone

Whatever your parents felt about their grief being different because of other people losing their children to natural causes - and suicide being different - well - this could be true - I had never thought about it - but losing anyone to suicide is hard - and what people do to manage this is horrible - so yes - dealing with that is horrible and resides within us -

I am sorry to say it will be hard for a while yet - and you have noticed that you are feeling worse than you did - I can say that is natural - and how to survive? Hard one - people do though - there are people like me who are here to tell the tale - as well as one of my uncles and my aunt - and their son was 46 I think - and that was suicide -

It is harder - we know if someone died in an accident that was an accidental death - or if they were ill they were terminally ill- and that is natural causes - and I could go on - but with suicide we really don't know what pushed them too hard

So we can't see into their mind - we can't ask them - and they have no idea what they do to other people - and I want you to know this- it is a cruel act - not matter how understandable, no matter how hard their situation - my son had worked himself into a place where there was no help and I understand this but it still hurts

Please ring Life Line and try - you may be lucky and get the best person ever - they are highly trained and I ring them when I have to - and if one person can't "get it" - try again

There is no need to be shy - this makes it harder to recover - but you need to find the right friends - not people who give you unkind advice - no one will here

Decadian

@Misty1 - Hardest time. So sorry you are going through the death of your beautiful daughter, trying to navigate through such rough waters. I am so glad @Decadian and others are here for you. Keep coming back to us.

Thank you @Misty1 It can be a helpless feeling. Love would of been enough if our loved ones reached out for it and opened up to us. We find that with our daughter - she shuts everyone out. You did everything you cou,d and could not of done anymore - Don't feel inadequate - sometimes people are not open to that love. They cannot express the internal pain, they just want the pain to go away. It was not because your love was not enough.

One of the Australian support groups that i mentioned is "Survivors of suicide". But the mods on here @Former-Member @Nik Nik @Former-Member etc should be able to verify with you in time and give you the list of groups. Please don't feel anxious about going - everyone who goes there feels the same and you are not alone in how you are feeling. You will need extra support with the grief as at times will hit like a tsunami on days - but in time calm seas will emerge once again. This is the hardest part. The love you shared with your daughter will never die.