ever wonder why

Hello friend tonys, @tonys

It's ok if I don't hear from you. Thankyou for helping me as you and all the others have.....I might need you, I don't know... Is it ok if I write to you?

Your letters make me happy. I don't want to be greedy. I want you to be happy. I can't help it that I like you so much.

Gather your thoughts... If you must. Remember me & if you ever get the tiniest glint to reach me... Please do.

I like this word loyalty.... royal - strong.

You are right. I am fragile.

I'm scared to say I found where to hold... All I can say is now

I imagine I visit you one day & you show me all the animals, the sky, the grass, rabbit, cat horse. I will let swamp thing bowl me over & cover me in scary dog drool. The geese & I may have an issue. I've never met a pig, I would love too. Are they smooth pink pigs - no I think it hairy brown and white?

Animals, can't contain their affection.

Hmm I wonder what you think of me sharing this thought.

Dogs only want to give love & be loved.

Cats want you to love yourself.

It was kind of you to mention Sophia. I want to send her gratitude & strength too.

I finished another poem. I want to share it with.

Is ending so bad

The pain alone sad

More on the way

Harrowing Day

Night jumbley

I need my lungs

Can I find them

No

Endure

Not me

Enough

Good days bad days

Tiring my mind

Exhausting

fill spaces

What love

Would do this to me

Twisted in shadows

In black loud old fat trunk tree

Where WERE YOU !!

I was only a child

Love, covered my mouth

Hate, I smile

Black

I spin spin spin

You see me

I love You

I Love all of you

So much

Forever

Eternal Hands

Cup.

Are there any lollies there that you like?

Gather together, ..your thoughts, my most beautiful, gorgeous friend.

PS - don't forget - I'm here, so please write to me!!!

@maddison O k. thats the tractor fixed.. Iove the click of an old diesel engine. Every time i work on the old girl, i"m either short a piece, or have 2 left over...

Now..... whats this ..of coarse you can write me any time.... thats what ive been saying all through my letters. And i hope you dont just write me went you need me, I want to hear about your triumphs too, and don't worry,... they will come if you work your problems, and keep reaching out.. Your words,..... the cats want you to love yourself... and i recon you do, but maybe you havnt found the right professional to help, Took half a century for someone to see how bent outta shape i was.. am, ... was.... O.K. ok ..... am, But I am a hard worker and a pest, never owned a computor and now i have friends on this thing. I....... the world wants to hear from you. Just get up... and out, and meet it half way.

Animals cant contain there love , i agree, ... People are just animals that walk upright

looking for somewhere to place there love, ...... well.... emotions. A home

The only home i truly trust is the one i built in me. I lived on the city streets for years and had more friends and social structure than i have now.

Every time we share words, you are in my home.

and im in yours. No locks on my doors mate.

There are days that never end here. Midnight when the world sleeps, we meet, If you ever..ever dont here from me, I have either, lost reception, computers, caught fire, been swallowed by a flying saucer, ..... all of the above..

In answer,.......... my pigs are pink with black or dark patches, not hairy .. huge ,peaceful , and always hungry. Like looking in the mirror

All i can say is , whenever where ever.. im here,, we are all here...

Big hug .. Check out the hug from Apple blossom, Luv ya mate...

Book keepers back from the bakery.... Lets EAT ! and ill give you poem another good going over. tonys moonbase one

Finally! You gave me your age. My god tonys, that took a second. So, 50....ish?

Thanks to your encouragement I've made the first step in booking my professional counselling. It was already in the plans for next year.

I feel a small sense of accomplishment.

I'm so happy you've welcomed & reassured me. I didn't mind giving you space... and I will. Space is good....I feel lots better, knowing you are still around - pending fires/UFOs

I'm happy you see that I have love for myself. I agree, I don't think that is my main issue. I think my problems are about insecurities related to thinking. The house I've built inside of me, I believe it is solid....

I see what you are saying about sharing my wins & meeting the world half way & I love that you give me confidence that the world wants me. I see triumphs in everyday. Everyday, I am able to express myself, collect myself, honour myself, & those around me. They might not seem as big starting a new career, making a new friend. To me, they are huge value. Each word I write & step I take... I believe you see it too.

Soooo... No locks on your doors? It's really not my place to say & yet I will. I see some small locks on you tonys. And that is perfectly ok. Maybe I'm misinterpreting. I know you have lots of love to give...& take (as I want for you) Like, an entire world of love in you.

I think I am softer than you.... at the core.

What do you think of all that!!?

Too much?

Don't worry I won't ever tell anyone what is yours to keep.

Midnight is for you & me only....?

My poem . It is words on paper..I know what it means to me. If you ever want me. to explain anything about anything. ask...me. You know I would give all my lollies to anyone who needed them.... Maybe I will keep one?

@tonys ❤️

I recalled I wanted to tell you.

When I wrote to you about the trauma & desperation I was going through - I have never been able to express myself like that to another person my entire life.

Thankyou my great friend tonys

@tonys 11.59pm...eee

@maddison Little locks on me , eh,... Theres my clever girl.. And yes you are probably way softer than me, we agree.. But then only a woman's heart truly knows the pain, depth and meaning of love, They do all the waiting,... like only a woman can wait.... silently, patiently, .... For things to get better,..... for him to stop doing it,... for lost ones to come back.... for flowers to grow in stone...... peace in the home..... bruises to heal .... love to be... real

Time has its effect on locks.

You sound a little better, i hope you are a little better.

Now.... don't just expect the first counsellor to do their job . You may be case number 368209983....... next.

Make em earn it... I had to see a, .... no disrespect, i cant spell it. 'top shrink', and then all the stars aligned.

You talked about how you would love it on the farm, and you would, but i would also love, ...... did love it, right where you are. So much more i could draw from. Every shape , colour, culture , Thousands of faces to draw, and you can bet i made up little stories about each and every one of those people. Frankston to St kilda, Stopping all stations ....

See... everyone thinks you have to leave your mark in the world... big goals , conquests,

a legacy. Well there is a kind of peace in leaving no foot prints, no trails. just tiny steps living day to day in peace. Your drawings, the words you leave in your friends memories Rejoice in that and anything else is a bonus..

But that why i like you Maddison... You already know all this, I'm just affirming it for you.

Well my favourite time, all the animals here embraced in the safety of sleep, dreaming their little animal dreams........ I'll pack a lunchbox for us tomorrow, and we will share our hopes and dreams again...

tonys ................. moon base one

@maddison hello there Maddison. Just popping in quick to see how your day is... hoping you are out for a walk, or knitting new ideas. I wanted to say thanks for your special letter about your release and choosing me to catch all those falling feathers. Maybe thats the small beginnings of a new idea in you and worlds have been built on less than that . I'm always here and I've got big arms for you my dearest friend.

Was a little low on air last night, forgot my ticker tabs..... again.

I'm in the dog house today big time ! The bookkeeper baked a big pie in the wood stove for all of us to share. The smells coming out of that kitchen have been driving me nuts all morning.

You can bet i was first to the table when the lunch bell summoned.

Seeing every one eyes closed while she said the prayers , ... Through the window of opportunity i leapt . I had the whole pie crust lifted of and nearly on my plate when she opened one eye and busted me..

My knuckles are still ringing and i dont understand German but I'm under the tree with the portion she scornfully handed me.

You see, i have come to realise, just how well i can hide the impulses of my brain injury and autism with writing on a computor, but water always finds a way through, doesnt it.

So if i'm not always at my best,... well I think you get my point...

As for the book keeper , well shes not much taller than you , loyal, solid in every sense,

and scares the crapp out of me when Im out of order. I'm still hungry and I'm not sure its safe to go back yet... Least swamp thing still loves me.

Till next we share tonys moon base one

@wordman Hello

I wanted to reach out & say thankyou. I have said this before. I appreciate & value your words. Your words mean a great deal to me.

You don't need to reply. You are welcome, if you choose.

I know, think, believe you are self aware, intelligent to understand my intention.

May you be closer still to Joy. If you choose.

When I see the words, it gives me that, that I did not have before seeing.

This is why, I choose, to write these words to you.

maddison xx

@maddison Hello Maddison. Thank you for your sincere words. I am not closer to joy because I have found joy in my life. Thank you dearly for inviting me to reply to you. I welcome your words and hope you have joy in your life. Life is perplexing and it poses us with several challenges. I thoroughly enjoy your posts. I do understand your intention of providing comforting words and assurances. I write to you in the hope that my words will continue to provide value and comfort in your life. I have been somewhat dormant on this site of late. This is due to me having to enroll in courses associated with my work. Yes I have been a busy little bee of late. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are. I don't want to feel you are in a dark place or a suffering any ill feelings of any kind. I will always be here to listen and to, hopefully provide comfort. It brings me joy to see that you appreciate and value what I write. I definitely value and appreciate all the posts I have received. If you ever need to vent, please don't hesitate to do so with me. Keep the faith.

Kind Regards

Wordman

Thanks mate.

Hi @wordman thankyou for replying. Thankyou for generously offering that I am allowed to vent to you. I am trepidatious about writing you because I don't want to upset you or anyone else who happens to read this.

I don't want to feel you are in a dark place or a suffering any ill feelings of any kind.

I am suffering. I miss my friend terribly. I don't want to be alone. I am good during the day, the night is very hard & I am very sad. We have known each other for 20 years. He is my best friend. I'm finding it overwhelming to let him go. I feel despair.

My future is uncertain. The support I am getting is more than I could imagine. That is what is keeping me moving forward.

I think suffering is normal, right? I'm not sure. I feel ready to move on & at the same time, I feel so sad & as though things are not moving fast enough.

The situation I am in - it is horrible to see someone you thought you loved, taken by drugs & I have no control over it. I know it is unhealthy & cruel for me to be living like this.

I feel like if I was offered a new house to live in tomorrow, I would go - and at the same time, I am feeling like I don't want to live by myself. That will be new for me. I have done it in the past. It was not all bad - but I lost part of myself. I am a person who very much thrives in the company of other good people. I am worried for my future.

I have lots of special strangers around me right now. They are holding me. I can feel it. They are showing me the way, directing me & giving me the strength that is too much for me to carry on my own.

I don't have my love tho. I don't have my special person.

That is the bit I'm finding very hard.

Am I being immature? Do I need to grow up & accept that there is only me? I had love, now it is gone. That's life. I will be ok on my own? I don't know? I want my friend back. He is lost. I can't find him. I don't know where that goes?

One day I was happier than I've ever been. And now it's gone. It makes me very sad. I really need people, the right people, people who love me for me & who cherish me & value me. I need to be loved & accepted. I need my own special person.

I think that's all for now. My face is covered in tears & I need to eat.