First time here

Hi all.

I'm a 38yr old mum of 4, and I'm struggling with life.

I grew up with an emotionally distant mother, who caused my dad to be physically distant, and and older brother who has substance abuse issues.

When I was 10 my mum remarried into a family that was very loud at pointing out I started puberty fairy young and had a substantial bra size by the time I was 13, one of those family members abused me when I was 13 and my mums response when I went to her for help about it was thats I was " lying and attention seeking"

A few years later I became pregnant to my BF at the time, we stayed together for our child for a few years but then separated. When I was 20 met someone new and started a relationship, I didn't take long for him to become abusive ( in every form) and at 34 weeks pregnant he convinced me to move to the other side of the country and away from all family and friends, had that child and then another 12 months later.I then lost custody of eldest child due to his actions during custody battle, when youngest at the time was 2 I reconnected to a old friend via social media and he convinced me that I needed to leave that situation and that I deserved better. Which I did do.

We are now married and have a child together, Child 2 and 3 have nothing to do with their father and class my husband as their dad,( eldest child is now an adult)which he is an amazing dad and a fantastic husband but he struggles to understand when I'm having really bad days, and thinks it's his fault for not being able to help me.

I've been on countless medications for several diagnosis and seen many many medical professionals but I always seem to crawl back into myself and shut off.

Anyone have any advice? And thank you for taking the time to read all this