Not Coping

I’m so sorry @Birdofparadise8 🌺💜

I have just finished up with an impromptu semi-emergency with a friend, supporting them to make their way through a hard time.
I’m just seeing your messages now - I’m really sorry I couldn’t get to chatting with you till now.
I haven’t had dinner as yet, I wanted to check my emails first and see how you are 🌺

im so sorry your psych is spanning out the sessions to two weekly - I can understand how that would be difficult with feeling the feelings of abandonment while our ENKELI is away for a while 😔💜

At least a good thing is that he said if you need to come in, that’ll be ok.. does that help at all? Knowing that he can do a session beforehand if needed?
I’m really sorry I wasn’t back online till now sweetheart, I hope you have had some good rest by the time you get this, and know that we care and hold space for you always 💜🌺🫂

Hey there @creative_writer 🙂🌺

yes they are quite pricey aren’t they? I was hoping to record sounds that have I might have a connection to, for familiarity 🙂

I’m sorry that feeling safe is elusive - you’re very right; cptsd does make it more difficult to feel safe..I am a person who lives with cptsd also, and I do at times feel like I need to find a safe feeling/place when I feel trauma sensations and feelings..please know you’re not alone in finding safety and calm hard to find, I understand how this affects a person, and I hold space for you 💜

Would you like to have your own thread to chat some more, if you think that would be helpful? 🌺🙂💜

Oh no, I hope they are okay @Former-Member

Quick question: I thought you said you don't have any friends, or is it that you just can't see them in person?

I know, I couldn't believe I nearly cried. He nearly made me cry, but I guess he brought me back to reality, so to speak, and then I cried last night for a bit. it was a good day. This week hasn't been good at all.

I don't know. I feel like I won't say anything. What's the point? H

We must have been on the hour, and he brought up that we have a session for a fortnight, and I said no next week. He was like, what if we do a fortnight like we have this time? I was very hesitant, so I just tried to beat around the bush and say something. I asked why he thought it was so important and why he was pushing it so much (at least he wasn't doing it just to get my parent's money, hey). I might have explained in the other post, but he said it was so I could work on the skills and how a week might not be long enough for that. ( I do understand that part, but there is a lot more going on than just being able to cope with rejection and abandonment. It's like how I was telling him I felt bad and guilty for making it about myself when ENKLIE decided to step back for a bit. I understand she has a lot going on, but I'm saying that was just making things worse, which I still don't understand how to stop).

Then he asked if it was okay to leave it there, and I said, yep. (even though I didn't want to because I didn't want to go to fortnightly). My emotions were so high (rejection/abandonment with not being able to see him). I clearly didn't want to go fortnightly. I just wanted to shut the conversation down. That's the first time I have shown so much emotion. I'm not sure why he didn't, like, let me cry. It just went straight to bringing me back by self-soothing, so I wasn't as upset. Then he mentioned the bit I said before about trusting him. I said thank you (feeling like he didn't deserve it by making me so distressed. Could he feel bad about that?). Then I left feeling not so great. Two weeks seems so far away.

I said I couldn't financially, and as he only works three days a week, I would like to go from thinking about how I wasn't coping like today. I wish I could go back. There were so many things we didn't talk about. I want the next two weeks to go so fast that the session will hurry up. Then I'll want that hour to last a long time.

Maybe I'm being irrational and not thinking clearly about whether to do once a week or once a fortnight. He works Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Say I do want to ask for a session next week. @Former-Member

Sorry, that's such a long post. I am feeling so conflicted about all this. I'd appreciate any thoughts you have.

Hey there @Birdofparadise8 🙂🌺

yeah…they’re ok now, thank you 💜🙂

I have very recently been finding people who are quite nice, through some of the research projects I’ve done lately, with lived experience, and we ended up being friends. I have two friends now, I have met that way. It’s really nice to know people who are very understanding about health and mental health - the kindness that we can all share is very much like the care that can be found here on the Forums 🥰🌺

The thing about it is, now that we have a healthy element of trust, we have been able to develop some safety planning, and so I was the safety contact for one friend 💜🙂

I’m really sorry it kept me from the Forum, and for breaking my promise to get back to you prior to the end of the evening, however I knew that as soon as all was ok I would log on here and post a reply for you - I hope that reply was ok 🙂🌺

I still can’t have friends visit, and usually that makes people sort of never want to be friends again, however these new friends I have are many kilometres away, so the connection is at its best using electronic formats ☺️🙌🏻

I’m so sorry you felt so disconnected and not on the same wavelength as your psych during that last appointment.. it sounds like he wasn’t really seeing what was going on for you? I don’t know, not having been there, but it sounds kind of dismissive and like you’re invisible in a way..?
I don’t really understand why he both closed off your emotional state of distress rather than holding space, and went to fortnightly appointments while you were saying you weren’t ready. One thing that concerned me is the disregard for your individuality and individual needs when drawing comparisons between other peoples frequency of attendance - as far as I see it, it doesn’t matter who goes when or how often; everyone has individual needs, so each person should have frequency of appointments that they feel they need to support their individual recovery..? To state that appointments should be a certain time apart because others do that makes very little invidious case by case clinical reasoning to me.. 🤔🌺

No sweets I didn’t see ENKELIs post about frequency of attending with the psych.. however if you feel you need the support, then phone by end of business on Friday to get in next week sometime if you’d like that, that is what I would do, and I guess it would just depend on his availability.

I’m so sorry you’re still feeling conflicted and some confusion around ENKELI taking some time away to get some things done 😔🌺💜.. like @Jynx has kindly described, abandonment has its significant effects that can be really challenging to deal with at times, however the strategies in place to support can be helpful, too 🙂🌺

I do know it’s really hard to feel so alone, especially when someone isn’t there that we had for support. Please do go gently and don’t feel bad for feeling the way you do though - it’s part of what you’re going through as you grow and learn more about coping and recovering 💜🌺🫂

we are here sweetheart, you’re not by yourself 🙂🌺💜

That's good to hear @Former-Member

I am happy they are safe. I'm also pleased you have been able to meet people who respect you even with the limitations of being able to see each other face to face.

I hope that friend is okay safety-wise. It seems like a big jump from a new friend to safety issues, or maybe I have that wrong.

It's okay. I understand you were busy, and that person's safety is far more important.

Yeah, it was good, thank you.

What happened was I was getting quite distressed about it all, and I was on the brink of tears. He just said to breathe, and I think I stretched my arms out on my own, and then we did the five senses, and I was semi-okay. I'm unsure if it's a good or bad thing. Maybe it was so I could see I could ground myself when distressed. However, being a psych, you'd think he would welcome crying. I hope that explains what happened a bit better.

I did wonder that I'm like, I don't really care how often other people go.

Yeah, I think he would just fit me in after his last client, as he finishes at 2:45 or maybe 4:00 some days. See, this just seems silly, not you. The circumstances, like two days, don't give me much time to know how I'll be.

It's so hard @Former-Member. I don't like abandonment or change.

"However the strategies in place to support can be helpful, too 🙂🌺" I don't really have many things that can help with feeling lonely. Connection is the main one, as then I'm not alone.

I feel like I should send him an email.

Is an email to a psych over 500 words too long?

Hey @tyme

How are you?

Can I share the email I want to send my psych? I'm not sure if it's coming across okay.

Hey @Birdofparadise8 ,

Sorry it took a while to respond.

Personally, I would never email a psychologist/psychiatrist unless they asked me to do so, or that it was read during my session time.

This is because I think it's important that we honour their time, and not take up more time than we pay for.

Hence I cannot answer whether a 500 word email is long/not long.

As for your question about sharing your email here, you are more than welcome to, but please remove any identifying information.

Also, if your pdoc were to respond, we ask that you do not share it online unless you have their written permission.

Thanks, tyme

It's just my psychologist, not my Pdoc @tyme

He has been happy for me to email him previously, and he said yesterday that it would be okay if something came up.

Yeah, I get that with paying and stuff, but he has clarified that it was okay.

And as you will see in the end, I say, "I don't mind if you leave this until I see you next or if you can give me a reply." So I will give him a choice.

Email

Hi,

I am following up on our session yesterday. I have a few questions/concerns.

First session regularity: I remember you mentioning how "most people" do fortnightly sessions, and I feel that this disregards individual needs when comparing other people's frequency of appointments. We shouldn't go on what the "normal" is, as that's not fair to me. Furthermore, when we were close to the end of the session discussing this, I was getting emotional about it and did not really want to do it fortnightly. I felt you kept pushing it quite a lot, to the point where I agreed to be able to see you still if I needed to, which in itself is pretty tricky to be able to know by a particular day, either this week or early next week, and then knowing if you can still see me between your schedule and also mine.

Second emotional state: I'm not sure if I have this wrong or not, but I do find it very hard to show emotion in front of anyone and to get to the point of nearly crying over session regularity should further indicate that I'm upset about it and again not entirely comfortable with having fortnightly sessions. In addition, when I was about to cry, I am unsure if trying to stop me from crying was the best thing. Yes, the emotional regulation stuff worked, but it was all so very fast from the moment you mentioned the fortnightly session to when I had a peak in distress to leaving. I know we did go over, but I wasn't expecting it. As I mentioned, the past two weeks were quite difficult, and yesterday, there were many other things to discuss, especially how things are fluctuating so much with my mood.

Additionally, I received feedback from someone who mentioned, "I don't really understand why he closed off your emotional state of distress rather than holding space." I'm unsure what your thoughts are on that, but I wanted to share that with you as I feel this happened.

Lastly, I’d like to mention a conversation I had with someone last week. I think on Sunday, I mentioned how I wasn’t feeling great, and she asked what we would do tonight. I said the following, mentioned how I am seeing you on Wednesday, and asked if you would increase the number of sessions. There are numerous reasons as to why that’s a no, but it was more that she mentioned than right when I liked weekly, and yes, sometimes feeling like I’m just waiting and then for you to bring up the fortnightly. I did think of mentioning it, but the timing was not right.

“We, hmm, not sure. Chat, I guess. I get to see my psych on Wednesday. I wish it would hurry up, but then it will be over, and I'll be feeling shit on Thursday, and then I want to see him again and have to wait until the next Wednesday.

I don't mind if you leave this until I see you next or if you reply to me.

I do hope this is okay with me sharing some thoughts and feelings I’ve had since yesterday.

Thank you