Not Coping

TS was the only good time I've had so far in the past few weeks. Everything else has been so hard.

Recovery isn't linear, but how long do I go on like this? I hate that I just sit here crying over nothing. Tears run down my face, and I don't know what for. Feeling this wave of sadness when I don't have a reason to be sad @tyme

I just want to go back to when I was little and stop the bullying when I was five and try harder to force my parents into letting me move schools, and then things might not be so bad. I don't even know why people were mean to me, I never did anything to anyone. I was always nice, but for some reason, people thought they could bully me from the age of five. It's so young no one deserves that. It hurts so much. I have this photo on my phone of me when I was five, and I looked so happy. I wish I could have defended little me. The only time she ever truly felt safe was then ripped away from her. I couldn't communicate with my parents, so I never had an outlet. I never had a safe space feelings-wise. My parents never hurt me or anything.

Gosh I'm not sure why I'm even rambling about this. Now I'm sitting here sobbing over this.

Anyway, I just saw the time. Have a good night @tyme

@Birdofparadise8 the first thing you need to do is stop worrying that you are rambling. Your feelings are real and valid and I am not surprised you were sobbing. It's so bloody painful and you've had what, 15 years of it?
The good thing is you will heal. The bad thing is that it won't happen overnight and while you heal you will have to go through the hurt.

It's really difficult because the people who should be validating you and your feelings are not (parents, teachers, etc) so you have to find someone who will validate you.

Before I got my BP2 diagnosis I acted inappropriately, hooking up with random guys, taking risks, drinking too much and smoking too much. While I never did any illegal substances if it had've been presented to me I may very well have. It wasn't until I was put on medication and saw an excellent counsellor that I realised how damaging my behaviour was. It also took a long time to forgive myself for my behaviour.

Have you written a letter to your 5 year old self? My counsellor recommended I write myself a letter allowing me to feel rejected and treated poorly by people who should have known better. I was lucky, when I was bullied at school my mother intervened and the bullying stopped.
Sadly as I got older and my anxiety became worse I was bullied in my workplace and that's not something a parent can fix.

Try writing a letter, apologizing to your 5 year old self, something like "I'm sorry you were bullied and you had no one to protect you. I'm sorry your mum didn't help you and let you change schools."

I wrote myself a letter and part of it which I've never shared until now was saying sorry to myself that some of the parents at my primary school wouldn't let me play with their kids outside of school hours because my parents were divorced. Like I had anything to do with my dad screwing around on my mum and then dumping the 3 of us in favour of his 2nd wife who he also cheated on and left.
I allowed myself to feel lonely and confused, it took a lot of tears but it did help.

Now I am the one rambling!
As for my teeth, my top 2 teeth are broken and I just broke one of the bottom teeth a couple of weeks back. Because of my medication my mouth dries out, making my teeth brittle. I also had the plaque stripped from my teeth when I worked in a chemical laboratory with acids. For implants they are around $8000 each which equals $64 000 for all of the damage. I am on the waiting list for the govt dental clinic but I am considering using my super and just getting them all ripped out and get dentures. It breaks my heart because I always have looked after my teeth. It's just been the last 2 years that I've had trouble so it is also probably hormonal.

Are there any hobbies that help take your mind off the sad stuff?

Pretty close it was 13 years @ENKELI

I just hope it won't take 13 years. I don't know if I would make it that long being depressed.

I think you might have mentioned this in the letter to me before. No, I haven't. If I'm to do it. Is it me writing about how little me should have been validated or about me looking at the photo of five year old me and writing about what she deserves better. About the school not helping nor my parents.

Ah, okay, that sucks. The medication is wreaking your teeth.

Do you not have private health insurance?

My nan had dentures at 16 because they didn't know how to look after teeth back then.

@Birdofparadise8 The letter I wrote was like I was writing to another person, like "Dear Enkeli, I am sorry you had to go through the rejection of your father at such a young age. Please know it wasn't your fault. You did nothing to cause his leaving." That kind of stuff.

I have private health but it won't cover everything and I used all my savings up last year when I was supposed to be caring for my dad and not earning any money. I've heard that I can access my super for dental work so I am going to get a quote from the dentist and then contact my super fund.

Do you really want to take out your super, though? Then you won't have as much for when you retire.

Is there a step you can do before that wouldn't cost as much @ENKELI

Hi @creative_writer

Have you ever written a letter to yourself like @ENKELI suggested?

Yeah it might be a good idea to try @creative_writer