Hello @Former-Member
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I think I can understand what you are saying. You are possibly feeling the trauma of past toxic relationship.
I understand this so much - it is EXACTLY what I am going thru now. It hit me car crash. I thought, yay, I'm finally free. Time to be me again. I had NO IDEA the long term damage that has been done to me. I could go into details. All I will say, is that I had my 2 nd GP appointment tonight, within 2 weeks & another new prescription. I AM NOT COPING.
However, I showed up for psych appt on Wednesday. I attended PSW meeting on Tuesday. Last night I brushed my teeth. The house is a disgrace. Though I have eaten dinner now , even if it is Coles brand microwave spag & meatballs. I drink my water. Take my meds & vitamins. I even did 30 mins if yoga today, a program on channel 31 I found, called move it out lose it. I have not done yoga in 3 decades?!
Ok, I haven't been able to leave couch or house. I am miserable, lonely, and in trauma. My cats have been given food, though I have not given them water, it changed their litters yet today.
Inside, I am crumbling too. It is the saddest thing to watch your own life forces fade away further each day.
Please look at things you have been able to do. Considering where you are at - they are very important, &: take effort & hope. You took time to write what is going on for you on here. You attended work - I cannot begin to imagine how difficult this is. You are inspiring.
The idea that ex is seeing you as an object in his life to win back - it is really frightening. You are not alone. I can understand this.
From what I am learning, I bet, he understands it too! Did you think of that? I never did. I thought my ex was simply an 'idiot'. No - they know exactly what they are doing. He knows you feel humiliated. It is not a coincidence. This is how they work. I look back, & am horrified how much control he had. I honestly believed they were my thoughts - nope - he was controlling & planting seeds within my own mind. It is horrific.
The fear when this type off thing happens to a person, is indescribable. My mind is still unable to accept. I know logically - though it is too incompressible to begin seeing.
My body, and symptoms show me how I was barely surviving, in constant fear for my life. No different than a soldier returning from war.
The humiliation you feel, this is common for me. It is what I was taught.
You say that you worry co workers or clients are looking at you like you are vague. I know this feeling - I self criticize.
If I can suggest, it is likely, your clients have love & concern for you, if they are noticing anything different. Maybe they don't know how to help, what to say, cross professional boundaries. If they are good people (unlike you ex) they are not judging you.
Like me, your brain is mixing up messages. Ex partner has caused intentional damage. Humiliation keeps you imprisoned. You feel humiliated that a person with such low morals was let into your life, & still has hold over you. That is his intention.
You don't have anything to be humiliated about. You are human. You are not alone. 1 in 4 woman suffer abuse by their partner. I'm not sure if you identify as female - the statistics are higher for minority groups.
You have nothing to be humiliated about. You did not cause this. You can't control this. It is not your responsibility to make the situation good again. He did this. Not you.
I feel like, you feel like you have to keep this embarrassing secret to yourself. Play a role in your work life that is acceptable.
I hate offering advice, & I'm not very good at it - can you talk to anyone at work? Even, a trusted client?
Moving to another area is possibly what you need.
If sane was not anonymous, I literally need company in my new place!!
I am not professional. I don't even know how much of my reply is relevant to you, it how much I am projecting.
I think it's most important to reach out to personal services. Any thing, it can be tiny, that you can do for your own self, your own MH , will be tiny building blocks in getting to the place you want, & absolutely, unquestionably deserve. I know you did good things today.
You wrote on here. That takes courage, strength. Admitting feelings of humiliation !!! Wow, that is rare. You have huge strength in you. Right now, he is deliberately frightening you - not 'almost ' (that is your kind nature 💕) Be proud you took the step to write what is happening for you on here. I am, enough for both of us, if it is difficult for you.
As you become more free - the anti goes up. The mind games they play are so subtle, it makes one feel crazy for even talking about it. Listen to your body. He knows exactly what he is doing. The stronger you get - the more he will try different tactics. If I'm wrong (I sincerely hope I am) then there is nothing to worry about
It is not silly to want to move to different town. It is really smart. Your body & brain already have awareness of what is best for you.
I suggest mentioning this to services. It is scarce - there is help available, even if it's only an idea you didn't think of yet. Keep talking. You are not 'almost' frightened. Your intellect understands perfectly what is happening - it is very difficult to see. That is why, you must have professional supports to guide you.
I have said it to many other members 1800respect. We are blessed in this country to have access to this incredible free service. Ring as many times as you want. If only to talk.
I know I have said way to much. Hoping it is perfect amount! I dearly hope I have not triggered you. I am around x
Perhaps @moderator @tyme could give me direction if my post is too much.
Thankyou
